[oceanica]

I am in oa for my 2 babies, pure and simple.
However, of course I feel grateful to their bmoms, and want to honor their wishes, and want to do what I can to make them feel good.
The main thing is that I want them to stay involved, and keep in contact, so that when the babies get bigger they will know them. That's for the babies. But don't get me wrong, I am thankful too. They are both very young, and will no doubt go on to a lot more life ahead of them. Already the contact is all coming from me, and there are times when my daughter's bmom disappears. So what can I do to keep them interested and involved, as well as help them understand how thankful I am? What can I do if anything to help with the suffering they are going through?
(I am looking for constructive advice from bmoms in oa, so if you are an angry person from the closed era, I'm sorry, however it may not apply here.)

[oceanica]

Let me clarify... I didn't mean that last statement to sound rude!
I just meant that I am trying to do things right here, so if you were coerced into placing or you have a completely closed adoption it may not apply.
But please, everyone let me know what you think! I didn't want to exclude anybody because you all could have valuable input for me.

[Dickons]

Oceanica,

I doubt any took the comment the wrong way. You don't try to create issues, you try to create solutions.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[BrandyHagz]

Birth mothers aren’t mind readers. Neither are adoptive mothers, for that matter.

Open adoption is like any other relationship. It takes work, honesty, commitment, respect and understanding, just like all of your other relationships.

If you want something from your relationship with your children’s birth mothers, then the only advice I can give you is to tell them what you’re wanting. Unless you tell them you have expectations, they’ll never know.

Be prepared, however, to listen to what they have to say – it might be that you’re ideal open adoption relationship and their ideal open adoption relationship are two very different things. If that’s the case, I suggest you all sit down and define what it is then create a workable solution for all of you.

You may want X – but unless she wants X too – you’re likely not going to get it. Remember, this is a relationship, not a dictatorship.

Bridge the gap by creating an atmosphere of open and honest communication using real relationship skills that you’d use with anyone else, unrelated to adoption, in your life.

[oceanica]

Kee's family said they wanted a lot of contact. And, they always seem so happy to hear from me, especially bmom. But, if I don't call they don't. And, they rarely respond to my emails when I send them pics and updates. We recently saw them and took bmom to the mall and then out to dinner, and then we went out again the next day with the whole family. I know bmom has a lot to process so I'll just wait for a few months and if I don't hear from them, I'll give them a call again. But they have always been very caring and respectful. And they treat my daughter like a princess too, and she's no bio relation to them.
But thanks for your input... I appreciate it. If you think of anything else, let me know.

[my2sons]

I just reunited with my son after 16 yrs of not seeing him. I have found out that the people who adopted him were at one time very good friends of my family. I also found out that in the state im from that all adoption done after 1987 are open and my son was placed in 1992. I never had the opportunity to have contact. I wish more adoptive parents made the attempts that you have. My son was abused in his ahome by his a father. He has no use for his amom. His life was so bad that he turned to drugs, alcohol and crime, he spent his 21st birthday in jail. Yet they thought it was in his best interest for me not to have contact with him. Boy they sure did a cracker jack job of raising him, and they are christians too. I am so angry at them for doing this to him and I just want to scream at them, yet I dont know what to do. I guess for now I will just love him with all my heart and that will be my ultimate revenge. Good luck and thanks for letting me vent.

[bromanchik]

I agree with Brandy (big surprise ) Birthfamilies are not mind readers and communication is key. Also know this, even in the best OA most birthparents are walking on eggshells... afraid that they are going to say something that will get them cut off. It's not rational, but there it is. I still have that iggling fear today. And my son is 25 years old and on his own!

Additionally there is the really intense feelings that contact brings, especially when the kids are little.

One more thing. I would reframe the gratitude to birthfamily stance to one of child centeredness. Most birthparents are not aware that they are actually important in the life of the child... after all they were "replaced" by you. (I have heard many times "Why should you be involved? He already has a Mom, he doesn't need you. Two will only confuse him.") You need to be the other voice that says, "Even though you are not parenting you are vital and important in the life of this child."

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by oceanica

I am in oa for my 2 babies, pure and simple.
However, of course I feel grateful to their bmoms, and want to honor their wishes, and want to do what I can to make them feel good.
The main thing is that I want them to stay involved, and keep in contact, so that when the babies get bigger they will know them. That's for the babies. But don't get me wrong, I am thankful too. They are both very young, and will no doubt go on to a lot more life ahead of them. Already the contact is all coming from me, and there are times when my daughter's bmom disappears. So what can I do to keep them interested and involved, as well as help them understand how thankful I am? What can I do if anything to help with the suffering they are going through?
(I am looking for constructive advice from bmoms in oa, so if you are an angry person from the closed era, I'm sorry, however it may not apply here.)

Start a group on here or yahoo or even a blog that is private, give the b-moms the web addy have them sign in, keep updates there, and occasionally send them reminders that you are doing it, say every other month. That way they can sign and and read what you are posting they can ask questions or just leave their own update. Something you can make copies of and save for the children. That way if one disappears for awhile she will be able to find the web site anytime she has access to a computer. Don't stop what you are doing it will be great for the kids later.

It was hard in the old closed system with never knowing anything not even if your child is alive or dead. I imagine it is hard for bmom's in open knowing but not being a part of their lives. As they mature they will be things will take a turn, as they have more years to live with this it may get better.

Just don't stop.

Thanks

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by oceanica

Let me clarify... I didn't mean that last statement to sound rude!
I just meant that I am trying to do things right here, so if you were coerced into placing or you have a completely closed adoption it may not apply.
But please, everyone let me know what you think! I didn't want to exclude anybody because you all could have valuable input for me.

I didn't take it as rude. Open adoption has to be hard yet meaningful for everyone. Usually the amom who is more mature will shoulder the mom duties all the way around. I hope you understood that.

Not only for your children's sake but so the bmoms stay involved over time.

Hugs