[butterflymama]

Hi everyone. Our baby's birthparents picked us from profiles at an agency, and we then came to their state to meet them three times before our son's birth. They invited us to the OB appointments and ultrasounds and we went out to dinners, and we all got along really, really well. My husband and I feel like we have a good relationship with them, and that we all like each other a lot. The birthmom stated often that she was so happy with her choice in us, that we answered her prayers, etc.

Our son was born in February. We were in the hospital for the birth and stayed in the home state in a hotel room with him while paperwork got processed. She and the birthfather saw him in the hospital before she was discharged, and then we all went out to dinner before we (dh, baby, and I) went home. It was emotional, especially for her, but she smiled a lot and said she felt good about her decision. She indicated that she probably wouldn't want much contact for awhile, and expected to be distant, at least at first.

So, I guess I shouldn't be worried, but I am. I've been sending her letters and pictures every 1-2 weeks, figuring that if she didn't want to open then, she could put them somewhere safe and open them when she was ready, or ask the social worker down there to keep them for her. I didn't expect her to write back to me, but it's upsetting that she isn't responding to the sw's calls or letters. My husband and I like her so much; she is a very bubbly, warm, kind person, and it's hard to think that she might be really suffering right now. (The sw agrees that it's odd that she hasn't responded to her, since she had been so outgoing and friendly to everyone in the agency throughout the pregnancy, but that it's somewhat common for birthmothers to need some (sometimes a lot of) time with no contact.)

My question: have I been writing to her too much? I really just wanted to be reassuring to her, and to let her know that we love our baby so much, and that we care about her, and that we are not going to cut her out of our lives and forget about her. But maybe my letters are salt in the wound and she would rather me chill out with them? But, then, can't I assume that she could request that the agency stop forwarding them?

Anyway - birthmothers - how often would you like to get pictures and letters of your babies, given our semi-open arrangement and what our baby's birthmom has stated? Do you think I'm just making it harder for her, when I want so much to make it easier?

[quantum]

I would have loved it, but that's me.
Don't give up on her!

[JustPeachy]

IT's so hard to say exactly what is going on, but it's so soon since she gave birth and from my experience, the first year after I placed my child was by far the very hardest. I was only allowed a 6 week picture and a 6 month picture and from then on, it was up to the aparents whether or not they wanted to send anything. I was lucky that they almost always responded to my request for updates, but I only got them 1x per year, sometimes 1x every other year, and it was usually just one photo. Things were very different when I was placing.

I would have certainly liked to get more photos, but I'm not sure if every week or every other week would have been too much for me, especially in that first year. I think if it was too much, I would have expressed that to the social worker and asked to receive stuff maybe once a month, but again, it's so hard to know for sure exactly how I would have felt. Maybe your child's bmom is afraid to say anything for fear if she asks for less, she'll be perceived negatively. Maybe she is fine with getting the pictures as is, but doesn't know what to say in response. I know for me, I used to request updates through the agency but it was always very hard for me to write an update on myself.

My advice would be to continue with what you are doing unless and until you hear otherwise. If you stop sending stuff, the bmom may feel you are backing off. You could maybe drop her a note next time and ask her if she is OK with the frequency of the photos, and encourage her to let you know if it's too much, not enough, etc. In time, you will find the right balance.

[butterflymama]

Thank you for your replies, quantum and justpeachy. That's very good advice to just add in a question to my next letter about whether she likes the amount of letters and pictures I am sending her. She may not respond, since she hasn't been responding to the sw, but at least she would know that I *want* to give her the right level of contact.

[kakuehl]

It maybe that she is just overwhelmed with grief right now and can't face even replying. The time may well come when she will cherish the letters, updates and pictures. Hang in there. Often emotions hit birthmoms after adoption in an unexpected depth. My adoption was a closed one (no other option then), but I would loved to have the assurance that D was well and thriving.

[lahdh4]

She could be trying to deal with the emotions now that everything is settling down. I would have loved pictures every couple of weeks but at the time I couldn't handle it. It was hard for me. I zoned out and don't remember a period of time before and after going to the mail box and seeing something from them.
continue with sending them.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by butterflymama

Hi everyone. Our baby's birthparents picked us from profiles at an agency, and we then came to their state to meet them three times before our son's birth. They invited us to the OB appointments and ultrasounds and we went out to dinners, and we all got along really, really well. My husband and I feel like we have a good relationship with them, and that we all like each other a lot. The birthmom stated often that she was so happy with her choice in us, that we answered her prayers, etc.

Our son was born in February. We were in the hospital for the birth and stayed in the home state in a hotel room with him while paperwork got processed. She and the birthfather saw him in the hospital before she was discharged, and then we all went out to dinner before we (dh, baby, and I) went home. It was emotional, especially for her, but she smiled a lot and said she felt good about her decision. She indicated that she probably wouldn't want much contact for awhile, and expected to be distant, at least at first.

So, I guess I shouldn't be worried, but I am. I've been sending her letters and pictures every 1-2 weeks, figuring that if she didn't want to open then, she could put them somewhere safe and open them when she was ready, or ask the social worker down there to keep them for her. I didn't expect her to write back to me, but it's upsetting that she isn't responding to the sw's calls or letters. My husband and I like her so much; she is a very bubbly, warm, kind person, and it's hard to think that she might be really suffering right now. (The sw agrees that it's odd that she hasn't responded to her, since she had been so outgoing and friendly to everyone in the agency throughout the pregnancy, but that it's somewhat common for birthmothers to need some (sometimes a lot of) time with no contact.)

My question: have I been writing to her too much? I really just wanted to be reassuring to her, and to let her know that we love our baby so much, and that we care about her, and that we are not going to cut her out of our lives and forget about her. But maybe my letters are salt in the wound and she would rather me chill out with them? But, then, can't I assume that she could request that the agency stop forwarding them?

Anyway - birthmothers - how often would you like to get pictures and letters of your babies, given our semi-open arrangement and what our baby's birthmom has stated? Do you think I'm just making it harder for her, when I want so much to make it easier?

Don't stop writing, but explain that you have been busy and will write when you can. Limit to once a month. I wouldn't think that would be too little or too much.

The more you know about the birthfamily, the easier your relationship the better it will be in the long run for your child.

[butterflymama]

Thank you so much, everyone. I sent our son's birthmom a card a few days ago, and asked her to please let me know if I am writing too much, and that the last thing I want to do is hurt or bother her. I told her that I'd keep writing unless I hear differently. I plan to stretch out the contact a bit, to maybe one card with pics a month, and one little note with updates. I don't want to just immediately start writing a lot less often, but a goal of once a month sounds good, I think.

[CGoldenthal701]

As a birth mother, I receive pictures now every six months because I want to. Some mothers want to go about their lives like nothing happened because the giving up a child was so traumatic emotionally and mentally. I know when I see pictures of my son or receive emails I go spiraling downward for a month or two afterward.
So maybe she choses not to relive that pain time in her life.

[butterflymama]

Hi everyone. Thanks again so much for your input and opinions. I just heard from our baby's birthmother's social worker, and she is doing fine. She wanted to see if I was up for communicating with her by e-mail. (yes!) My husband and I are so relieved.

She also said that she really appreciates the letters and pictures I have sent her. I had been writing her through snail mail b/c I thought it would be nice for her to have tangible photos and letters to hold on to, and that it would be less pressure on her to respond, but I am very eager to hear from her.

Anyway, thanks so much, and I hope you all have a great day.