[bowman]

Hi, It's the first time I have posted in these forums, I could be in the wrong place.? Seriously thinking about trying to find my birthparents, but a bit terrified about what kind of reaction I might find. So I guess I'm asking for stories from birthparents who have reunited or searched, how they have felt about being contacted?

[dpen6]

Bowman,

I am an adoptee not a birthparent. but I did reunite a long time ago with my birthmom. she was thrilled but it brought up some stuff for both of us. There are as many differnt emotions as there are people. Some bmoms may refuse contact, others are very open to it.

Read aroung the forums and you might get some of the different feelings everyone has.

Good luck!

[-maggie]

Originally Posted by bowman

So I guess I'm asking for stories from birthparents who have reunited or searched, how they have felt about being contacted?

Welcome bowman!!!

I am a bmom that was contacted by my daughter 2 years ago. For me.... it was one of the best days in my life! I was extremely happy to hear from her!

[kakuehl]

I found my bson almost four years ago through this site. My first thought was relief that he was alive and that he had registered, meaning he was at least a little curious about his birth family. I then spend some time trying to actually locate him since the info he left here was out of date. I waited on pins and needles until he contacted me. I feel blessed that he wants me in his life. I love being part of his extended family and being privileged to watch his children grow. As dpen said, it does bring up "stuff" from the past and each person deals with it (or not) in his/her own way. My reunion has been a good one; I hope yours will be too.

[JustPeachy]

It is scary to wonder about what the reaction may be from your birthparents, but I say "nothing ventured, nothing gained." It will definitely bring up a lot of emotions, for them as well as you, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I had a semi-open adoption with my son, but when he gave consent to have a package sent to me with all his identifying info, I was thrilled and excited, but I will also admit, I was terrified and had a lot of unexpected emotions come up. I worked through them with the help of counseling, and talking to other birthmothers. We are not yet in reunion, but I hope we will be at some point.

[loveajax]

My DH has reunited with his birth mom after 40 odd years....They have only had email contact to date and it took her a year to respond to his initial letter. I think she was a little overwhelmed (she is fairly elderly and has had a stroke), but she did say it was such peace of mind to hear from him and know he was happy and healthy. I wish I had encouraged DH to do a little more "researching" into reunions, but I do think there really is no way of "knowing" without trying! Best of luck to you!!

[Britbirthmum]

Hi Bowman,

I'm sort of the opposite position to you at the moment. I'm about to contact my birthdaughter for the first time, and I too am incredibly nervous!

I can't predict how your parents will react of course, but for me, if my daughter contacted me first, I would be absolutely thrilled.

Good Luck!!

[bowman]

Thanks, it's been really great to hear your insights. I know that no-one in the word could tell me what my experience might be , but hearing you're experiences is very helpful, and I appreciate you all sharing them..

[barbie12]

Hi Bowman..

keep us posted when you contact your birthmom....no turning back now .......I am excited for you, I remember how nervous I was to call the NUMBER..I rehearsed. Also, I sent a letter to the house with my phone and email address..and then I received a email message...COOL ()

Looking was the easy part..... You can do it!!

[april16]

I recently terminated my parental rights and have been losing sleep over whether or not my bdaughter will contact me sometime in the future. My biggest fear is that she will not want to meet me or will be angry with me for the decisions i have made. I wish there was some way of knowing that she will understand this was the most loving decision I could make and that some day she will want to meet me.

[Janeytwo]

Dear April16,

Hi my name's Janey. I'm a bmom. I just wanted to let you know that these feelings and fears you are having are perfectly normal. I can't speak for other birthparents but for me they certainly have been.

The underlying fear that my children would hate me has haunted me through the years but I am coming to see that's better to face that fear than to let it eat away at me as it has done.

So kudos to you for having the courage to come here and share. Please keep talking. There are a lot of good people in here on all sides who can give you some excellent advice on dealing with emotions and also can offer a hand of friendship and support.

Much hugs your way today.

[JustPeachy]

Originally Posted by april16

I recently terminated my parental rights and have been losing sleep over whether or not my bdaughter will contact me sometime in the future. My biggest fear is that she will not want to meet me or will be angry with me for the decisions i have made. I wish there was some way of knowing that she will understand this was the most loving decision I could make and that some day she will want to meet me.

I think most mothers who terminate their rights experience these feelings. I used to worry a lot that my son would hate me or be upset because I "gave him up" without fully understanding what my circumstances were or the reasons behind my decision and why I felt it was best. I also worry that he will not want to meet me, or if we do meet, then that will be it and I won't see him again after!

What kind of adoption did you go with? I am assuming it was either closed or semi-open?? Were/are you able to write letters to your child at all?? I had a semi-open and was able to do so, and although it was difficult at times to write, I think it helped to build somewhat of a foundation if we do meet in person. He's also seen pictures of me over the years, so he won't have a fantasy built up in his mind of what I look like or what my personality is like. I think that will help us if we ever reach a point of reunion. I'm wondering if that option is available to you, or if you can keep a journal or send stuff through an intermediary for your child so s/he can hear in your own words why you came to the decision to choose adoption.

[kakuehl]

My adoption was closed. I spent almost 33 years wondering if he was even alive. When I found him I rejoiced that he was living. I located his parents first and they told him, I was looking. Apparently he expressed some anger to them that "[i] had walked out of his life and needn't think [i] could just walk back in again." He has never expressed that to me. In fact our relationship is very comfortable now.

There are no guarantees about what will happen. I'm not sure if anyone else can completely understand our reasons, etc. although they may come close. Be prepared to love your bchild unconditionally regardless of what happens. And try to live your life now as fully as you can. As always, worrying about the future doesn't help!