[Britbirthmum]

Hi,

I'm new to the forums. I have a dilemma, and I was hoping I could get some advice on it.
I placed my baby girl up for adoption 17.5 years ago, and she will be 18 this year. Every year I have received a letter with updates from her parents, and a week ago, I got a letter from them asking if I'd like to write her a letter for her 18th.

I really, really want to do this. But the truth is, I have no idea where I would begin, or what sort of things I should write. I've never been good with words, and truthfully, I'm really struggling. I want to tell her about her younger siblings, and about me, but I don't know where to begin.

Should I tell her why I placed her for adoption, or would that be coming on too heavy for a first letter? How much do I tell her about us?

I've made a start so many times on this letter in the past week, and I keep over-analysing what I've written. I'm sure this is make or break for any relationship I'll have with her, and I'm desperate not to mess it up.

Thank you for any help you can offer, and I am sorry if I've posted this in the wrong section.

Jackie

[teacher22]

Britbirthmum,

Do you know how much your daughter knows about you? Does she even know she's adopted? As a birthmom I don't think I would be comfortable being the one to tell her those things first. Just my opinion.

I wrote a letter to my birthson about 6 months ago and told him the basic details of the how's and the why's of his placement. Then I went on to tell him what I have been doing these past 18 years. I also included my living/family situation and my career. I felt comfortable giving him multiple ways to contact me. I also stated many times that I was happy with any sort of contact that he was ready for and would love to hear from in any way that he was comfortable with. So far, we only have an email/facebook relationship! =) It is better than nothing!

I don't know if that helps. There are lots of people here with amazing advice and experience. Please keep posting and hang in there. Your emotions will start to get crazy, but that's normal too!

=) teacher 22

[kakuehl]

This is certainly not the wrong place to post your question. I'm not sure I have much of an answer for you.

One thought, is there any medical info that you could share with her? I know that when I placed my son there wasn't much to share; that changed as I (and my parents) got older.

I'm not sure how much emotion or detail you want to share in a first letter. What were your dreams for her when you placed? Share what it meant to receive the updates each year.

This is not something I've done -- I found my son when he was 32, a very different age.

Good luck!

[dpen6]

Can you just write how you have heard from her parents all these years andhow proud you are that she is doingwell(if she is), how 18 is such a wondeerful year yadayada....l.then just tell her that you have thought ofher all the time butespecially on birthdays, and are thrilled to be personally acknowledging her 18th....

Keep it about her....tell heryou are opento any qiestions then she can ask the whys when she is ready.

[ourdreamcametru]

Not sure what to tell you about what to write but as an adoptive mother I'd be glad to read over your letter as an outsider if you would feel better having an opinion before sending it. I'm sure anything you write would be perfect though!

[Asha0314]

Hi!
Maybe if you asked this question to adoptees, they could give you some good ideas, in the adoptees forum.
Good luck!

[Whirled_Peas]

How about rewriting what you already wrote (I've edited a bit)

Originally Posted by Britbirthmum

Every year I have received a letter with updates from (your) parents, and a week ago, I got a letter from them asking if I'd like to write (you) a letter for (your) 18th.

I really, really want to do this. But the truth is, I have no idea where I (should) begin, or what sort of things I should write. I've never been good with words, and truthfully, I'm really struggling. I want to tell (you) about (your) younger siblings, and about me, but I don't know where to begin.

And then you tell her about you and her siblings and anything else you want to say.

Then maybe you say:

Originally Posted by Britbirthmum

(I want to) tell (you) why I placed (you) for adoption, (but I fear that) would that be coming on too heavy for a first letter.

Or maybe you don't say that. Maybe you do say you love her very much and have thought of her constantly over the years.

[quantum]

I like Whirled Peas idea, but I would leave out the 'why' questions.

That's something that she'll ask you in her own time, if she wants to know! if you guys end up having direct contact that is, but it sounds like that's where it's heading.

How exciting!
Be yourself btw. And try not to worry too much about it.

[JustPeachy]

Please understand that all birthmothers (at least all the ones I've spoken to about this) struggle with writing letters. I had a semi-open in which I communicated with my son's parents, and it was always so difficult to write, for many of the same reasons you state; i.e. not knowing if I was saying too much or too little, expressing too much emotion or not enough, afraid of saying the wrong thing and ruining the relationship, etc. And I am good with words and adept at writing, and it was STILL hard. It has gotten easier over time, but even now when I write updates to my son, it takes FOREVER to get something in writing and I make several edits before I send it out. So, what you are feeling is perfectly NORMAL.

I'm wondering since you got updates every year from your daughter's family, were you able to send updates back to them at all? Did you have any written communication with your daughter's parents? When you placed her for adoption, were you able to write out anything in terms of your reasons for placement?

I would keep things on the lighter side, personally. I would start out by saying that you wanted to acknowledge her 18th birthday and wish her all the very best, that you've thought about her all the time, esp. on her birthday, etc. and are open to any communication she wishes to have with you. You could say something like "if you have any questions for me, I'd be happy to answer them." I would also tell her a bit about you, what is going on in your life.

If you want to draft something up and have me look at it, just send to me via PM. I'd be happy to look it over. I know it seems like a "make or break" situation, but I"m sure you will express yourself appropriately and your letter will be well received. Don't let your fears get in the way of this!! (I know, I know, easier said than done!!).

[Britbirthmum]

Thanks everyone.

I also like Whirled_peas idea, and I have managed to get a sort of start to my letter from that.

She does definitely know she's adopted, and I did actually get a Christmas card from her one year, through her adoptive parents, so I feel confident that they have been open with her.

I've never got to send her anything before, but I know if she's seen any of her adoption paperwork, there are reasons why I gave her up explained in that.

I'm just so insanely nervous! Thank you for all your advice, it means a lot to know other people understand.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Britbirthmum

Hi,

I'm new to the forums. I have a dilemma, and I was hoping I could get some advice on it.
I placed my baby girl up for adoption 17.5 years ago, and she will be 18 this year. Every year I have received a letter with updates from her parents, and a week ago, I got a letter from them asking if I'd like to write her a letter for her 18th.

I really, really want to do this. But the truth is, I have no idea where I would begin, or what sort of things I should write. I've never been good with words, and truthfully, I'm really struggling. I want to tell her about her younger siblings, and about me, but I don't know where to begin.

Should I tell her why I placed her for adoption, or would that be coming on too heavy for a first letter? How much do I tell her about us?

I've made a start so many times on this letter in the past week, and I keep over-analysing what I've written. I'm sure this is make or break for any relationship I'll have with her, and I'm desperate not to mess it up.

Thank you for any help you can offer, and I am sorry if I've posted this in the wrong section.

Jackie

Think of it as a telephone converstation,
Hello how are you.
As you know I am you brithmom

just let it flow then before you mail go back and edit.
Don't say anythink negative..

good luck

[Britbirthmum]

I've managed to do the first two paragraphs of my letter, in my first I was introducing it,

My name is J, and I am the woman who gave birth to you 18 years ago. I don't really know what I should say in this letter, I've been planning it your entire life, and I'm still not ready. It's important to me that I make a good first impression on you, but I'm really not good with words, and I have been so worried that this will sound wrong. I've been looking at all the updates I've been sent about you, and I am so proud of how well you are doing! I was so proud to see your GCSE results, and I am so happy you are doing well at college. I have thought about you every day for the past 18 years, and I love you so much.

And in the second one, I've basically described myself, what my job is, and things I like doing, and said she can ask me about anything I've not mentioned. I've not mentioned my reasons for giving her up, but I do want her to feel she can ask.

I'm thinking next, I should tell her about my younger children, and very briefly describe my new husband?

I have a while to finish it, her birthday isn't for a few months yet, but I don't want to let myself put it all off, and have to rush it in the last minute.

[quantum]

You know what, it sounds really great so far!

:-)

[JustPeachy]

What you wrote so far sounds perfect to me. And you say you don't have a way with words??!!?? Could have fooled me!

I'm thinking next, I should tell her about my younger children, and very briefly describe my new husband?

Sure, I would include a bit about them. That would be nice to add as it is a big part of your life.

So far, you are doing a great job of this! It's good you are giving yourself a head-start and can make several drafts before finalizing it and sending it off. I know you will make a good impression!

[loveajax]

Brit, it sounds great to me (I am an a mom and married to an adult adoptee who wrote a letter to his birth mom a while back...I know they are hard to write). I just wanted to add that I also would include pictures of yourself and your hubby and kids...I know my DH would love to see a pic of his birth mom. Best to you with all of this!!