[Sparky7]

When i saw this thread i just new i had to reply to it. My girls bdad and I had a summer romance and he left right around the time i was pregnant so i never got to tell him because his phone number no longer worked. But after i healed and had my baby i was able to track him down and i told him about her at first he was so thrilled and happy. I said that i was thinking about adoption because we both worked at dead end jobs at the time and at first he didnt want to do that at all but i said just to call me in a few days and we'll see then. He thought about it then he said that as much as he loved her he couldn't take on a 3rd child so adoption would be best for everyone involed so thats what he and I did. Even though it's what he and I both decided he wanted me to handle the details he just couldnt then he closed himself off and left a few months after we terminated our rights. His mother though thankfully gave us full medical history which surprized me because she and her husband wanted nothing to do with her. A year later he came back wanting toknow about her so when i made visits i gave him pictures and updates he was more than welcome to see her but he said he wasnt ready for that he just wanted pictures. I still dont know what happend but he took off again and i donlt really know how to feel about that. I always wanted him to be apart of her life but i think right now it's just to painful for him and instead of trying it's easier for him to run so as of now i'm both birthparents for her. If she ever wanted to find jesse then i'll support her and help her find him but as far as his why's and what not to me it's not my place to tell her thats really up to him. But i think for him it was just to much to handle.

[confused19]

So I understand how it seems fair to ask about the bdad but what I dont get is how people who have been adopted forgive them so easily. I am currently pregnant and I fear for the life of my child and myself that the bdad will put a stop to this adoption. I love my child and have decided that giving him a family; rather than the hell I grew up with, is what is best for him! The bdad thinks that I am trying to take away his chance of being a dad but the man doesnt even know how to do laundry,or cook (let alone keep food in the fridge), nor does he live in a place that is suitable for a child. I fully respect that he is not one of those guys who doesn't care what happens to his kids but where is the line of doing what is truely best for the child and making the child suffer so he can be a dad?!
I am 19 and while I have several friends my age who are single parents and going to school full time plus working fulltime to support their child.. I don't think that is fair to the child. I cannot give my child everything that I think he deserves in my current situation but I look like the bad guy for not wantin to keep my child. How is that fair?!
My parents can't stand eachother and I grew up hating them both for making my brothers and I choose one over the other. My mom gave custody of us to our dad and then when we were old enough to take care of ourselves (16) she wanted to be apart of our lives. It doesn't work that way. I don't want that life for my child and I don't think that is soo wrong!

[kakuehl]

Confused, I hear what you are saying about your situation. I think you need to do what you believe is right for your child regardless of what others say.

I think we have to remember that our birthchildren have grown up wondering about both parents. They don't have the baggage with their bfather that the bmom often does. They may want to see for themselves what both their bparents are like. All of change over the years and many of us mature! The bdad they find may well have grown up!

[dpen6]

Confused,

You have good reason to be confused but you sound like a very mature and insightful woman. You truly are looking out for your child. Have you considered counseling with the bfather present?

AS far as older adoptees "forgiving" the bfathers...its not really that way. Its more theyare searching to find out more about themselves. Often the bfathers have matured but if they haven't there is no guarentee of any sort of realtionship.

Anyway, you don't have to do what anyone else is doing or decided to do. If you in your heart really beleive that you can not keep this child, have no support andworry about ho0w you would be able to feed them then its ok. Have you gone to see what kind of help is available?

[1982benji]

reuntited with son ..after 32 years.
prompted me to contact my dad ..
rang and was given info he passed away on my birthday 3 years ago..ironic..
picture my mother painted was inaccurate ..
i have 7 1/2 brothers and sisters all knew of me as dad had spoken..of his boy from oz...
me and my dad were the same in many ways..
my relationship with my mum has been affected ..i accept she controlled and before i rang the other day said just tell me the truth....
she said your dad wanted nothing to do with you..
my sister said ..your family ..had arranged for you to have a cord at your dads funeral if you turned up ...thats how much we care..(matter of respect..as one oldest sons tradition .)
all want contact and are pleased to hear from me.
regards my mum.....i can only love her...
experience of how to deal with the situation was just not their
and in hindsight could have been handled in other manner.....a phone call or whatever ..but it was not meant to be ...surreal and rollercoaster keeps on going still have to work on my relationship with my son..

my other brother wants no contact with other family members ..unfortunately i held back as i did not want to upset the apple cart.

respect his and my mums wishes be polite yet assertive on my rights on the situation.

no expectaions .....call was enough and my sidter said she will put the kettle on.

[jdp530]

I am a BF and have been wondering about my BD for many years and I have been interested in locating her. She will be 29 this summer. I didnt even realize that a registry existed until a few years ago. I assumed that she could find me if she was interested. I finally contacted the agency back in Feb that handled our adoption here in TX. Well, its now mid-June but agency has been in contact with her recently. I completed the requirements and hope to hear from her soon.

She had registered with agency several years ago to locate her birth parents. I just wish the agency had notified me and given me the opportunity to respond but I guess the law doesnt allow for them to contact parties involved until a match has been made.

I am so excited that I will receive a note or letter and I am hoping that she is still interested in making contact and possibly establishing a new relationship.

[GretyC]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Shadow -

The laws in 1972 were a lot different than they are today...unwed fathers weren't given any choice when it came to relinquishment; their signatures were not required.

I was born in 1969. My mother was sent out of state to live with her aunt and not allowed to speak to my father during her pregnancy. I was placed in foster care for the first four months of my life. When I was reunited with my birth family I was shocked to see in my adoption records (I was adopted through "child welfare", as it was called then) that when I was two months old my father found out where my mother was sent to give birth and had called trying to get me back, but he was told that I had already been adopted and besides that he had no right to me at all. It was wonderful to know that he loved me and tried to get me back, but it is also painful to know that he tried to do the right thing and he was turned away.

[quantum]

I'm glad to finally see some birth fathers chiming in here.

I wonder if the father of my son thinks about him.
I wish I could find him and find out.

My son can find out if he wants to, he expresses interest, and then it seems like he chickens out. I think he's afraid of being rejected. I don't want to push.

[lalgee]

Originally Posted by GretyC

My mother was sent out of state to live with her aunt and not allowed to speak to my father during her pregnancy.

You know, there were so many people back then that decided FOR you that you weren't good enough to take care of a child, and they decided that the father of the child was some kind of terrible person that you shouldn't be able to talk to about his child. And, they decided that you needed to hide away so that they weren't embarrassed by you and your child.
The language above just sums that up. "mother was sent" "not allowed to speak" - but everyone still has this notion that we bmom's "chose" to lose our child to adoption and the bdad's just "walked away" scot free. It wasn't like that at all. Outward appearances look like that, but that was all it was - an outward appearance manufactured by those closest to us so that they would either not be ashamed or exposed.
It takes a long time to right that wrong. I am so glad to see bdad's here expressing their feelings, which were largely ignored or rejected so long ago.

[shadow riderer]

[quote=lalgee]You know, there were so many people back then that decided FOR you that you weren't good enough to take care of a child, and they decided that the father of the child was some kind of terrible person that you shouldn't be able to talk to about his child. And, they decided that you needed to hide away so that they weren't embarrassed by you and your child.
The language above just sums that up. "mother was sent" "not allowed to speak" - but everyone still has this notion that we bmom's "chose" to lose our child to adoption and the bdad's just "walked away" scot free. It wasn't like that at all. Outward appearances look like that, but that was all it was - an outward appearance manufactured by those closest to us so that they would either not be ashamed or exposed.
It takes a long time to right that wrong. I am so glad to see bdad's here expressing their feelings, which were largely ignored or rejected so long ago.[/QUOTE

As I have thought about my reunions, and what it was like for my BPs, I just can't accept that my Bfather didn't suffer, not the same guilt, shame, etc, as my Bmother, but he didn't get off scot free either. The post above says what I've been thinking. It was really a sham to hide Bfather's families embarrassment, just as Bmom was sent away, and told "don't bring that baby home". I think Bdad was told, maybe without words, just ignore it and it will go away. I'm not sure saying it was easier for Bfathers is fair to them. It was just different, and it was also the same, in a way. Granted they didn't carry a child for nine months. I think, in a way, they were told to "forget" and "get on with your life:, sort of the same as Bmothers, but in a different way, if that makes any sense.

It's that "outward appearence" thing thatreally explains my Bdad's denial of his responsiblity in our reunion. Before the results of our DNA test arrived, he would say to everyone, including me, "If you/she is my daughter, you/she are going to be a part of my life." His insistance that his name was on the birth certificate, his conveniently telling everyone he didn't know he had a daughter, leaving out the fact that he did know my Bmom could have very well been carrying his child, but never followed through to find out for sure. He put a lot of effort into portraying himself as not the kind of guy that would abandon or turn his back on his child had he "known". He actually, in deep denial I suppose, told me , when I mentioned to him that Bmom wanted to talk to him, "I think I would say to her, thank you." Thankyou? Bmom's can you imagine the Bfather of your child thanking you and how you would feel if that happened? Talk about a man in denial. My first thought as the adoptee, was "Are you nuts!" Granted he was in a high emotional state of joy over being found at the time, but I'm thinking "thank you" wouldn't have gone over well with Bmom. Nope, wouldn't have gone over well at all.

The whole society and the "outward appearence" thing explains my granparents reaction, it explains everything. The sad thing, for me, is that no one seemed to get past it. We've all suffered because of it.

To the birth fathers, thank you for sharing, and please continue do so. Your thoughts and feelins do mmatter.

Quantum, it took me 16 years to finally get the courage to contact by birth father. It was the fear of rejection by him that made it so difficult. I think, in my adoptee's point of view, and basing my thoughts on what my Bmom had told me, I thought if he could turn his back on me as a unborn child, it wouldn't be much of a stretch for him to do so as an adult. That fear was all consuming when I contacted my Bfather. Turns out, in my case, rejection was what I got in the end. I truly hope it works out differently with your Bson. For mem that "fear of rejection" was much stronger with my bfather than my bmother.

JD, I hope you hear from your Bdaughter soon. Just go slow, and best wishes for a successful reunion. Please keep us informed. Also, keep in mind that what I've said about my fear of rejection was "my" feelings. Your BD may not feel that way at all.

Thank you everyone for posting. I hope everone will keep sharing. For the person who was asking about bfathers being forgiven easier than bmoms. As an adoptee, and speaking for myself, that isn't true. IMO, both of my BPs share responsibility in what happened. It takes two to tango.