[JustPeachy]

In responding to Janey's latest topic, I mentioned a situation that came up for me at a birthmother's meeting I recently attended. I was saying how I cannot just openly tell everyone and anyone I am a birthmom without opening up a whole hornet's nest, and that I had experienced while pregnant and placing being the brunt of office gossip, nasty comments/judgements, etc., which I don't want to repeat. I was lamenting the fact that I would like to be open about being a birthmom (as I am not ashamed of it), keep my son's picture on my desk at work, etc., but the fear of reliving all that nonsense, having to defend my status as a birthmom, having to deal with uncomfortable silence or outright nastiness, etc. keeps me from doing so.

Several of the women there in the group insisted that I was incorrect in my thinking, and that I'd be surprised if I opened up, how supportive people would be, and that they didn't care what anyone thought, they were very open (some even seemed to be "in your face") about the fact that they were birthmoms.

Now in my experience, most (if not all) of the birthmoms I've known personally do NOT go around telling people. Most I know either keep it to themselves or only let those who they know well and trust into that part of their lives. For instance, an old friend of mine who is also a birthmom has told her husband, her side of the family, some of her close friends, but her in-laws do not know, and certainly her co-workers do not know. I have a relative from the closed era who speaks of her adopted child to NOONE. Her kids don't know. Only her husband and family who were around when she was pregnant know.

I don't feel my status as a birthmom, or my son, is a "dirty little secret" that I should be ashamed of. I would like to be more "out" about it and not give a hoot about what anyone else thinks. But at the same time, I sort of feel that it is a personal and private matter. And I'm certainly not wanting to open myself up again to being the person everyone is gossiping about at the office or among casual acquaintences.

So my question to you all is, how "out" are you about being a birthmom?? Are you pretty much open with everyone, or only those you feel close to??

One of the comments that kind of upset me at this meeting was when someone said "if we don't talk about our experiences, other women won't consider adoption." I'm not against adoption, but at the same time, I don't feel I should discuss my experience to get other women to consider the same. I would just like to be able to discuss it because it's a big part of who I am and I don't like to be so closeted about it.

[bromanchik]

I am as out as anyone, I suppose. But it is not something I feel compelled to tell everyone I meet. Certainly when it comes up in conversation I do not deny it, but I do not feel like it needs to be known to everyone.

[RavenSong]

How "out" am I as a birthmother? Well, I guess I'd have to say that I'm pretty upfront about it with almost everybody I know in real life. It's never been something I hide, even back in 1972 when my son was born. I did go thru a period in the early 80s when I was a bit cautious about who I disclosed my history to, mainly because I was getting a lot of flack from several people who called themselves my friends.

When my son was born, all of my friends were supportive of me. I had no problem talking to new friends about how I had relinquished my baby when I was 17 years old. People back then knew what society demanded of young unwed mothers. Most people were very understanding...until I reached my early 30s. People I met in my 30s who had not known me as a teenager and young adult could not fathom why I had placed my child for adoption. They only saw the mature 30-something who was great with kids...they had never seen or known the 16-year-old pregnant teenager who still looked like a baby herself.

I was notorious for being very good with kids...most of my friends' and neighbors' kids often hung out at my house, and I became the "cool mom" figure in our neighborhood. The fact that I was good with children ultimately worked against me. Some people just couldn't wrap their heads around the fact that I loved kids but had surrendered my own baby to adoption. They kept trying to get me to say that I had been forced to relinquish by my parents, that it hadn't been my own decision. Eventually those friendships tanked. And I became reluctant to disclose my birthmom status to new people I met.

In the late 80s, I started preparing for reunion with my son and began sharing my history with people again. When my son and his parents sent me a beautiful framed photograph for Mother's Day when he was 17, I made the decision to put it on my office desk, knowing full well that the questions and comments were going to start flying. In 1990 when my son turned 18, I had to explain to my employer why I needed some time off to go to San Diego. Talk about being scared...my boss was an ex-hippie who took great pride in her motherhood. I really thought she was going to judge me for not being able to raise my own son. However, when I told her about relinquishing my baby and how I was now reuniting with him...she cried...and hugged me.

I'm in my mid-50s now, and I've been in reunion for over 19 years. My son's photographs are on just about every wall of my house, including the childhood pictures with his parents in them. Everyone who knows me knows that I am a birthmom...and you wouldn't believe how many adoptees in our community have reached out to me after discovering that I'm a birthmother in reunion. I really don't care anymore what people may think or say about me. If they have a problem with it, they're welcome not to have anything to do with me...I chalk it up to their ignorance.

LOL, I was just recalling an incident from the mid-1990s. My son and I were interviewed and photographed for a book on adoption loss and reunion -- we have our own chapter. The oral interviews were also broadcast on National Public Radio. Anyhoo, the author used our real names for the book and the radio program, and I didn't really think too much about it. But then I started getting some really strange phone calls, some of them outright obscene. It took me a while to realize that they were coming from people who had read the book or listened to the radio program. Fortunately, it didn't last too long...I guess the sickos got tired of not getting much of a response out of me. I would usually ask them just what exactly it was that was triggering them, what was it that was causing them to waste their time and energy making hateful telephone calls to a woman they would probably never meet in real life.

P.S. The next time you get an obscene phone call, try asking the caller what he thinks his mother would say if she knew her son was making obscene phone calls. It works every time...

[quantum]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

.

So my question to you all is, how "out" are you about being a birthmom?? Are you pretty much open with everyone, or only those you feel close to??

One of the comments that kind of upset me at this meeting was when someone said "if we don't talk about our experiences, other women won't consider adoption." I'm not against adoption, but at the same time, I don't feel I should discuss my experience to get other women to consider the same. I would just like to be able to discuss it because it's a big part of who I am and I don't like to be so closeted about it.

Hiya JP,

I'm pretty closed about it even now. Heck, within my own family, I wasn't allowed to talk about it for 20+ years. The thing that made me come out, was finding my son.
Now we visit him, hopefully he'll come visit us, but I'm still quite closed about it.
Frankly I'm scared and half the time I don't know HOW to bring it up!

[Janeytwo]

Hey Peachy!! Great thread!!!

IMO - Quantum has made an excellent point here. The way family reacts might have a lot to do with how we view being "out". For years when my mother or Sister Susie have brought new friends around or when we've gone to parties of my stepdad's relatives, they've taken me aside and said things like, "Don't tell anyone about yourself. There's no need to air our dirty laundry in public."

I have been "dirty laundry" for 32 years now. I fear I am beginning to stink!!

I think too the inability to "come out" has a great deal to do with the silence. The powers that be sealed our history shut behind a blast-furnace door that was not to be opened due to the threat of radioactive materials spilling out. If you get my drift.

Perhaps - and not negating the terrible pain of Open Adoption in any way - perhaps the internet and the ability to defend oneself from the old "you abandoned your own child and forget them" accusers by having photos and visits......perhaps those things have somewhat taken the ammo from the stone throwers. I dunno. I suspect that people simply choose another line of attack.

And that's why it's so hard to come out.

I'll tell you something. About 3 times in the past year I've mentioned to my siblings and my mom things that've been said about bmoms in this forum. Nothing against the owners of this forum or the Mods. They do a admirable job of keeping things civil but you can't always contain the crazies on the other side of the gate. Sometimes they find a way in.

Anyway, I will tell my family members what was said. They'll roll their eyes and make some flippant observation like, "Oh that's silly"; something like that. Here's what's interesting. They never get mad. Ever.

Now that is markedly different to what I see in here. I've seen more than a few people from bparents to aparents to adoptees respond to ugly comments with fury and disgust.

But from my family? Only a feigned concern, a brief flippant response and then an immediate changing of the subject. I've come to accept something. They agree with what's being said on some level at least. They're not consciously aware of that I don't think. But deep down in that quiet place we rarely venture? They agree in some way.

And if our own blood agrees? What? Then strangers don't? I seriously doubt that. Strangers have no history with us, therefore I'd think they'd be even more inclined to despise us.

And here's the other thing. This net is the Wild West. People will come onto forums and say things they wouldn't have the nerve to voice in public. But the fact that they're saying them at all points to their belief in what they're saying.

All those things drive me to be very careful who I talk to. I don't think that makes me a coward. I think it makes me someone who's seen what people are capable of and therefore I'm hesitant and sometimes afraid.

I was honest with my hubby from the moment we met. I have been honest with my daughters. That to me is about living honorably.

However, everyone else? Well if I know someone real, real well I will tell them when and if I feel the time is right for me.

Because that signing of those documents took a great deal of everything I was - in fact it killed me for a couple, three decades.

So I don't owe it to people to continue to pay emotionally by pouring my heart out to them and then waiting for them to either embrace or reject me. No....friggin.....way. Screw them and their little dog too.

I realize that that's my warped thinking. Sorry. It's old religion; real street-level stuff. You don't go into someone else's territory with your hands shoved humbly in your pockets, armed with nothing but an explanation, hoping they accept your kind. Nuh uh. Nobody does that.

3 rules of survivlal I've pounded into my daughters' heads so that hopefully they will be safe out there among us homo sapiens:

#1. Don't hassle people you don't know.
#2. Don't pick a fight with someone who's got nothing to lose.
#3. There's always a bigger badder you-know-what in the valley.

I.e., don't go looking for trouble because it'll find you.

Forgive me everyone. I know how desparate that sounds. Don't mean it to.

Maybe I can put this another way and forgive the program speak. I knew a guy in AA who never mentioned being in recovery to anyone at his place of employment especially. He'd done that once in response to an upcoming Christmas party. Actually went up to his boss after 5 years of working steadily for the guy and told him he was a recovering alcoholic and might need to take a pass on the party.

His boss fired him on the spot.

Hope I've made sense here.


P.S. Raven LOL on the obscene phone call thingy! That's hilarious!!

[kakuehl]

As I've said before, at this point I don't hide much (about adoption anyway). I include D's kids in my list of grandkids. When people ask who that is when I show pictures, I answer as matter-a-factly as I can and don't go into great detail. DH has put family pictures in the hall. I have D as a baby and a wedding pic with his parents. I am sometimes a little nervous about being so open, but for me it is necessary.

[thanksgivingmom]

I'm not "out" at all. My old roommate knows, but that's it.

The only other people that know are friends that I have made through forums or other "safe" adoption friendly spaces.

[quantum]

You guys will have to forgive me if I'm a bit fuzzy, I've got some kinda virus and a bit of a fever BUT anyway.

I find it interesting that TGmom is nearly completely 'in' the closet on this, since she's in an open adoption. Of course with your circumstances and everything I totally understand! It's just that sometimes the arguement is made that people are more 'out' these days because of open adoption. Not necessarily true.

One thing that kinda irks me (forgive me if I've read wrong) is the idea that we 'owe' the world or whatever to be out about this. I think what we 'owe' is to give ourselves a break and to do what we can handle.

Sometimes I feel like I push myself a little more out there than I'm comfortable with, but that's more for my son's sake...

*sigh*

[bromanchik]

When I do a presentation on adoption I always do a poll. "How many adoptive parents, adoptees, birth/first parents do you know outside of the adoption community?" Always big numbers for the first two and a handful for the latter.

I don't think we owe the world anything. However, I do think that a lot of the stereotypes about us thrive because so few people really know who we are. If we were more known, I think it would be harder for people to hang on to their misguided beliefs.

[kakuehl]

Hi quantum,
I don't think we owe anything. For me, it's about being true to myself, and now, about being honest for D's sake. This is made more challenging by the fact that D's adad and I now serve in the same synod under the same bishop. Adad is now retired which means he only works part-time (ha!) and we are in opposite ends of the synod, but we go to some of the same meetings and have colleagues in common. I figure it's another sign of God's sense of humor.

[belleinblue1978]

I'm pretty out about being adopted and a first mom. People ask if I have kids and I say yes. I do have a child, granted the relationship there is kinda rocky right now, but he is still my child and I"ll be darned if anyone is going to deny me that.

I hear all the dumb comments and I have standard answers that I give back for all of them. I live in an area of the country where adoption is REALLY frowned on. Most people only know people involved in adoption that have lost their children to DSS, so I spend alot of time combating the idea that I made the choice, it was a good choice, and that I love my son more than anything.

[thanksgivingmom]

Q, I know a decent amount of first parents in OA's that aren't totally "out."

I choose to not be out in my family for the obvious reasons (well, obvious to those of you that "know" me and that I have explained those reasons too) but as I've moved out of my apartment, made friends that don't know my family, and work with people that don't interact with my family, I don't have those reasons to not share my daughter with them.

But I still choose not to.

This might sound crazy, but I think some people "get" why women placed during the BSE - there was the social stigma of a single mother, or it was the parents that sent them away and they had little choice. I think (and granted, I could be TOTALLY wrong) that these are things that have been evidenced over the years. I think that my placing my daughter is sometimes less understood. I wasn't FORCED into it - quite the contrary. It was MY decision, and I fear that some see me as more of a monster for it.

I've heard from other first Moms and adoptees the questions of, "WHY did you place your child??? You could have parented her!!!" I've been made the villian in my story from people within the adoption community - and if they can make me the villian, I fear what those outside of the community would think....

Don't get me wrong, I've found tremendous support as well, but the negative experiences have really impacted me......

[JustPeachy]

This might sound crazy, but I think some people "get" why women placed during the BSE - there was the social stigma of a single mother, or it was the parents that sent them away and they had little choice. I think (and granted, I could be TOTALLY wrong) that these are things that have been evidenced over the years. I think that my placing my daughter is sometimes less understood. I wasn't FORCED into it - quite the contrary. It was MY decision, and I fear that some see me as more of a monster for it.

TGM, I feel this way, too. In my situation, it was solely my choice and decision to go with adoption for my son. My mom didn't make me, and legally couldn't as I was already over 18, and I knew quite a few people at the time who were single moms, many of whom I was good friends with, so I can't say there was the stigma to face against single moms. Now, I didn't have the option to bring my son home (that was my mom's choice), but even if I could have, I'm not sure I would have, at least not as my family circumstances were. So since it was my choice and decision, I feel on one hand, I can own it, which is a good thing, but it's a bad thing in that so many people simply cannot wrap their minds around why you would willingly relinquish a child. It's easier for them, I think, to accept that your parents made you do it, or society didn't support being unmarried and pregnant, etc.

[MommaKatja]

I'm pretty open. I had pictures on my desk when I had a desk and will again when I start my new job. If people ask who the little boy is I tell them he's my son. If they ask more question I answer them. In some situations I leave it at he doesn't live with me. In other cases I come right out with I placed him for adoption at birth. I haven't had any outright nastiness at work but I have in other aspects of my life and the uncomfortable silences have been frequent.

My decision to be out at work (at my last job) stemmed from needing 2 weeks off for a visit and wanting my boss to understand the importance of approving my vacation request. It was such a small organization the information just spread and so I decided I could put pictures out.

I've recently decided that in the dating world its something I need to be extreamly upfront about so I don't waste my time with someone who isn't able to handle it.

[thanksgivingmom]

Exactly Peachy.....and I really think that's what makes me be more quiet about it.....I mean, I placed in 2006! What kind of stigma against single Mom's is there today? Not that much (at least not here in LA basically). I had a job (albeit I was bartending), I was educated, etc. so it's not only that I placed, but that I have to then justify to people I share with WHY I placed.

I admit, I'm not ready to go there with random people....