[Janeytwo]

Hey there! This is a personal vent/observation from one bmom to the other bmoms in here. And it's said with respect for all - and I do mean ALL as in everyone in here.


I have somes questions to ask of all of us bmoms.

What does it really matter what outsiders call us? Do the ugly words we've all witnessed define us?

I watch a lot of us in here rush to defend our positions. Why do so?

Seriously, are we in here to learn from others like us about reunion? Are we in here to share in order to heal? Or are we here to endlessly justify ourselves to people outside of our own experience?

Because I found myself doing that very thing a short time ago. I am so glad it happened too. It gave me an opportunity to appreciate what I know I am and what I know I'm not. I'd almost forgotten that. I'd begun to buy in to the garbage floating on the prejudicial sea (and by that I mean garbage as in opinion - not garbage as in people).


Look, there are always going be those out there who point their finger at everyone else on the planet, calling everyone else "less than", speaking of others in ugly, derogatory terms. Meanwhile, they're sleeping around on their spouse with their own sister's husband. Or they're embezzeling funds from the retirement accounts of the elderly; that kind of hoo-hah.

Do you see what I'm saying? Homo sapiens ain't the most redeemable species - myself included. But when we respond to nasty underhanded comments, we lend those comments credence. In an odd sort of way, we actually give them merit - in my opinion.

To rush out and say "No! No! That's not true! You don't understand! Look at who I really am!" is a waste of time and intellect.

People either respect me or they don't. (Shrug inserted here). Who really gives a hoot? I respect me and that's good enough.

I can rant privately when something hits my craw and things do. That's what friends are for, right? But I ain't handing someone a gun to shoot me with - if that makes sense.

I think it is imperative that we come to understand we owe no one an apology or an explanation outside of our children, ourselves and our God - not necessarily in that order. And no one owes us one either.

IMO - We have got to stop venturing outside of this forum looking for approval. And I think we need to be honest that that's partly what we're doing it when we rush in where angels fear to tread. Because we have residual unpleasant feelings re. adoption.

Okay, that's why the birthmoms forum is here, isn't it? So that we can reach out to each other, offer compassion to those who venture in here and hope, that through our words, someone somewhere will understand.

But if they don't? Well then they don't. That's their right. No one has to accept me. Who the frig am I? And more importantly, who the frig are they?

Approval, love of self, respect for oneself? All that comes from within not from without.

Just my thoughts for whatever they're not worth to ya.

[JustPeachy]

Interesting topic, Janey! I dunno, for me, I think it's just that I want so badly to not be misunderstood, not to be judged, and to have some sort of acknowledgement, and not to be kept in the closet as a birthmom.

I was at a birthmother's meeting last weekend and saying how I cannot keep a photo of my son on my desk at work, as nobody at work knows about my son, and it would just open up a huge hornet's nest. Now, I'm not ashamed and have never felt shame over my decision to place, but I have been very harshly judged, especially in the workplace when I was pregnant and placing. I was part of the gossip mill and a lot of the nasty comments got back to me. It really was upsetting. Anyway, as I stated this, several other women chimed in to say that was incorrect, people have been very supportive of them, they simply didn't CARE what others thought, and they were very open about being birthmoms to pretty much everyone. I found this hard to believe, actually, as in the beginning after I had my son, I would tell anyone about him, and my experience had been to have a few people be supportive, most feeling uncomfortable, and the rest very harshly judgemental, to the point of really personally attacking me with such venom, that I just could never understand. I expressed this at the group, and one of the ladies had a similar attitude as what you wrote here:

People either respect me or they don't. (Shrug inserted here). Who really gives a hoot? I respect me and that's good enough.

She showed her daughter's picture (the only one she had as she was from the closed era) to anyone and everyone, and just didn't care what anyone else thought of her. I wish I had that kind of backbone, and I really wanted to pick her brain some more to find out what her response would be if she had someone firing back at her with really ugly words and judgements. Perhaps I'm just too sensitive and give a crap too much about what others think. As for me, I am only "out" to people I know and trust very well. I kind of feel it's not anyone's business at work, but at the same time, feel I'm "in the closet" because of that fear of being judged. To answer your question, NO, it doesn't matter what outsiders call us and their words don't define us. I know this intellectually. To me, it says more about THEM than about us. But emotionally, it just triggers those old feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, low self-esteem, and that what I did was wrong and shameful, even though I KNOW without a doubt, it was not wrong or shameful.

Not sure if I'm making sense here, but just wanted to share.

[Janeytwo]

((( Peachy ))) !!!!!

It's so good to e-speak to you!!!

Jumping around here a bit if that's okay.

I was part of the gossip mill and a lot of the nasty comments got back to me. It really was upsetting. Anyway, as I stated this, several other women chimed in to say that was incorrect, people have been very supportive of them, they simply didn't CARE what others thought, and they were very open about being birthmoms to pretty much everyone. I found this hard to believe.....

I sort of find it hard to believe too - about every single person being supportive. There's just no way. I'm with you there. I doubt that very much.

Forgive me, I know how cynical that sounds.


Anyway, I've thought about this a lot in the past week. I guess it's not so much about "coming out" as it is about responding to the name calling started by others. That's what I can't see reacting to.

Someone starts a conversation about bmoms and people rush in to correct them. I can't see the point.

Not that I want to live in a closet.....you're so right, Peachy. I'm done with that crapolio! But if I respond to the hateful comments, aren't I drawing attention to them?

LOL! Here's a funny sidenote: I was talking to my SIL about this and she said that if anyone made ugly comments to her, her answer would be, "Thank you for your useless opinion. Does the warden know you're out?"

To answer your question, NO, it doesn't matter what outsiders call us and their words don't define us. I know this intellectually. To me, it says more about THEM than about us. But emotionally, it just triggers those old feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, low self-esteem, and that what I did was wrong and shameful, even though I KNOW without a doubt, it was not wrong or shameful.

((( Peachy )))

I understand totally. It does the same to me. You know, there was one accusation re. my decision to relinquish that had the power to destroy my equilibrium like no other. It had that much hold on me because I wasn't consciously aware of how much hold it had. (Hope that doesn't reek of circular logic).

Then....somebody either figured that out because they're whip-smart in that serial killer kind of way, or they'd picked up on my weakness through things I'd said. And they used that very insult to gain footing into my sense of self. I don't even think it was personal on their part - just convenient.

That was the best favor anyone's ever done for me because I realized it was my problem - not theirs. I was shaking, crying, getting upset. I PM'd everyone (including God) LOL!

I set about thinking of how to respond. I sat for a day feeling the pain of the accusation and then in the morning? I busted out laughing.

Because I realized I'd done more damage to myself than anyone else could've. I gave that rediculous accusation power when I reacted to it so completely that it took me over.

All I had to do was quietly work through it and move forward. Lesson learned.

That was so freeing. I can't begin to say.

Sigh....I am wondering if that's what everyone really wants. To tell their story and move forward secure in the knowledge that they matter if only too themselves.

Big hugs to ya! I miss your ever-wise words but I think we've been on different threads!!! LOL!!!

[kakuehl]

Hi Janey and Peachy,

For many years I controlled who I told about D. Since Reunion it's not been as easy! I don't necessarily tell the whole story(!) when I say I have 3 children but I try to be as open as possible so that I am being true to D and his parents. I must admit I get nervous about how people are going to respond ("Christians" can be very judgmental... unfortunately!) and to a certain extent, my call (job) depends on others perceptions of me. Of course, that is the very reason I won't hide anymore. I firmly know myself to be a forgiven child of God, and I have come to terms with who I am and the consequences of my actions. (Ok -Janey, there are holes in that but not about D!)

As a Christian I am called to forgive as I have been forgiven.. to love as I have been loved. When I feel attacked as a bmom, I try to "consider the source" to see what the other person is dealing with. I will sometimes engage in the dialog and sometimes just walk away, depending on how I am feeling. (If for some reason I'm feeling vulnerable that day, I will walk away,for my own sanity.)

[JustPeachy]

Now I'm going to be jumping around a bit here!

Not that I want to live in a closet.....you're so right, Peachy. I'm done with that crapolio! But if I respond to the hateful comments, aren't I drawing attention to them?

I totally get what you are saying here, Janey, and you are right. Sometimes certain comments are not worth responding to, and if we know in the depths of our soul that those comments are untrue and hateful, why the need to "set the record straight" so to speak?

I sort of find it hard to believe too - about every single person being supportive. There's just no way. I'm with you there. I doubt that very much.

Forgive me, I know how cynical that sounds.

Oh, I know. I felt like I was being cynical too, but my experience and that of so many other bmoms I know (especially from the closed era) has been exactly the opposite. And the thing is, this woman who was the biggest proponent of being so open about her daughter was sent away back in the 70s, so her whole pregnancy was hidden. I was going to work every day (and this was in the 80s, when it wasn't so "shameful" to be unmarried and pregnant) and getting so much grief. Even my boss said something derogatory TO MY FACE about insurance rates going up as a result of the company having to pay for my prenatal care and labor/delivery costs! Then, of course, afterward, many people were asking how was my baby and I had to explain that I placed him. It was really rough and though I did hold my head high, it was still hard to be judged all the time and have unfair assumptions made about me (one of the big doozies was I "gave my baby up" because I didn't know who the father was!).

Because I realized I'd done more damage to myself than anyone else could've. I gave that rediculous accusation power when I reacted to it so completely that it took me over.

All I had to do was quietly work through it and move forward. Lesson learned.

That was so freeing. I can't begin to say.

These be some wise words, Janey! The thing that is hard for me is the quietly working through part, LOL!! I think, as I said before, I give too much thought over what other people think of me and I hate being misunderstood. Thing is, you simply cannot control what others think, and they will think what they want regardless. But what exactly does it mean to "quietly work through it?" What can be done concretely to facilitate this process? Is it to pray? Meditate?? Just say "I'm not going to go there and entertain those thoughts?" I think it's probably different for everyone, but it's one of those things that seems to really take a lot of clarity and effort to do. It's like the strong emotions can get triggered so easily and it takes so much strength to stop yourself and say "NO, I'm not going down THAT road again!"

When I feel attacked as a bmom, I try to "consider the source" to see what the other person is dealing with. I will sometimes engage in the dialog and sometimes just walk away, depending on how I am feeling. (If for some reason I'm feeling vulnerable that day, I will walk away,for my own sanity.)

Also very wise words here.

[thanksgivingmom]

Anyway, I've thought about this a lot in the past week. I guess it's not so much about "coming out" as it is about responding to the name calling started by others. That's what I can't see reacting to.

Someone starts a conversation about bmoms and people rush in to correct them. I can't see the point.

Not that I want to live in a closet.....you're so right, Peachy. I'm done with that crapolio! But if I respond to the hateful comments, aren't I drawing attention to them?

Okay.....I'm one of those that almost ALWAYS corrects people about what they call me (us)....I'm pretty picky about words and don't think it's "just semantics" - I think some words are laced with venom while others aren't...I also understand that sometimes the "good" words can be just as demeaning depending on the person using them.

And what I've found is this. If I'm in a "heated debate" with X about why I don't think expectant Moms should be called birthmoms, or why I (for ME) prefer to be called a first Mom over other terms, or why I think that "real Mom" serves to undermine the value that BOTH first Mom AND adoptive Moms have - it's almost NEVER the person that I'm actually "talking" too (btw, let me interrupt myself to apologize for the excessive quotation marks today!) that "gets" the message. But I can't tell you how many times I get PMs or emails or comments on the blog about how what I said really did make them stop and think. There are people that you are NEVER going to get through to.....and there are people that are looking to have those discussions and really take something positive away from it.

Can I keep this up 24/7?? No, some days I am flat out WORN OUT. It's HARD. But I think - how much worse would it be if there weren't anyone doing the work? We see how hateful people can be, and that's with other people constantly working to try to change the way people think about us, label us, stereotype us.

[Amandak249]

When I first read this thread, I said to myself " How interesting- I always like to hear what Janey has to say- let's take a look."

I know that people on these forums can be a little snarky. I also know that many of the issues, amongst people in the triad- stem from our own experiences, perceptions, and relationships. I don't have a good relationship with m birthsister- so I'm sometimes quick to judge birthsiblings who don't immediately love their asiblings, for example

I always assumed that this prejudice you spoke of was contained to INSIDE these forums. That the misconceptions occured inside the adoption world.

I am very sad to realize that your status as a "birthmother, first mom, natural mom, or whatever your term of preference is, arises discrimination, hate, and harsh opinion from OUTSIDERS. Who the heck are they to tell YOU or insinuate that YOU are bad for making your OWN decisions? UGH.

That made me so angry. People are so stupid.


This is one of those situations where it may be hard to see the other side unless you've lived it. The people who say these things to you, or any birthmother, are not worth your time. They are clearly not educated about adoption, and certainly not fluent in compassion.


I hope you have peaceful sunday, and I am sad to hear that this prejedice exists. I've never seen her first hand, and I can't beleive I've missed it all this itime!

[Janeytwo]

Hey TG and Peachy and Kathy!

I want to respond to each of your posts but I'm getting tired after working all day today! Eeekk! I am old!

Something interesting I'm finding as I'm talking with people via PM on the topic.

In general there seems to be a marked difference in the beliefs of how to tackle this subject between Closed Era bmoms and Open Era bmoms.

I am wondering why that is. Hmmm...going to have to think on that.

Peachy - love your other thread you started.

I'll post to you guys and Peachy on her other in the am.

Big hugs to you all though!

:-)

[Janeytwo]

Hey guys!

Lots of good stuff here.

Kathy

I firmly know myself to be a forgiven child of God, and I have come to terms with who I am and the consequences of my actions.

Can we use this as a banner? Because it's awesome!!!



Peachy

I was going to work every day .....and getting so much grief. Even my boss said something derogatory TO MY FACE about insurance rates going up as a result of the company having to pay for my prenatal care and labor/delivery costs! Then, of course, afterward, many people were asking how was my baby and I had to explain that I placed him. It was really rough and though I did hold my head high, it was still hard to be judged all the time and have unfair assumptions made about me

((( Peachy ))) That took some big brass ones! That remark about not knowing the dad. Good grief!! It never ceases to amaze me how badly women can treat each other. I'll never understand it.

And what a horrid thing your boss said to you!!! That is inexcusable!!

With any luck, he's now sitting on the unemployment line trying to figure out how to get a job slinging quasi-grub at Burger King so he can pay his heat bill.

And through all that you held your head up and kept walking. (((( Peachy )))) You've been "standing" for years my friend.

I know this situation about work inside and out as it happened to me. I was a waitress and worked up until the week before my c-section. I think I told you about these 4 cops who came into the restaurant and sat at my section and when I went up to wait on them, one of them looked at me and said, "Where's your husband honey?" And they all looked at each other and snickered at me.

And after I placed that's when those two girls (one of whom I worked with) came into the restaurant to ask me if I knew who'd adopted my baby because somebody they knew had "just gotten" a baby girl and she looked just like me and they wanted to give "her mom" some of my information so that she'd have a better idea where her baby girl came from.

People are slime.

But what exactly does it mean to "quietly work through it?" What can be done concretely to facilitate this process? Is it to pray? Meditate?? Just say "I'm not going to go there and entertain those thoughts?"

Yikes! Oh Peachy, I used the wrong word. I didn't mean quietly in the sense of meditation. I meant quietly in the form of privately. My bad bud!!!

No, what I do is I have a breakdown at the keyboard for a minute or two then I PM people in here and use language that is quite frankly beneath me as a British woman and perfectable acceptable as a Motor City girl. Folks have gotten used to me and just respond back with hugs and support. LOL! Then I go and gripe about it to my hubby who rolls his eyes and says stuff like, "What are y'all babes fighting about THIS week?!" That's when I realize he's useless in this arena so I call a couple of people and talk myself down through their wisdom and compassion.

Only after all that do I sit quietly down and take a mental walk to God's garage. He always seems to see me coming. He shakes his head and grins and says, "Bout time ya got here, Janey. Ya done whining now, 'cuz I got some advice YOU can surely use!"


LOL! I have never claimed to be sane. Just simply as crazy as the rest of the humans.


TGMom

If I'm in a "heated debate" with X about ...... why I (for ME) prefer to be called a first Mom over other terms, or why I think that "real Mom" serves to undermine the value that BOTH first Mom AND adoptive Moms have - it's almost NEVER the person that I'm actually "talking" too...... But I can't tell you how many times I get PMs or emails or comments on the blog about how what I said really did make them stop and think.

I wasn't so much talking about what people call me in reference to my status. I can totally understand why this is important though (not negating that).

No. It's the names; the ugly accusations. Things like whore, baby killer (yeah - I've actually heard that one), "threw your kids in a dumpster", and the horrific things said by people on both sides of the abortion debate. I hear the "dumpster" thing a lot and am wondering if that has more to do with my being a double surrenderer.

It's that stuff that I can't afford to respond to anymore.

You know, when I first started this thread I was trying to figure out what it was I was trying to convey - or rather, how to convey it properly. I found my mind wandering into the past. I was thinking about my childhood and what it was like living during the Civil Rights movement. I was actually remembering the march to Selma (though I only ever saw that on TV on news shows about it when I was little. I wasn't there or anything.)

Martin said that no matter what anyone on the sidelines did, if they threw rocks and bottles, if they set dogs on the marchers, if they attacked; no one was to throw a punch back in return. They would simply get up if they could and keep marching forward.

I'm in no way an enlightened avatar of the likes of MLK nor is the plight of birthmothers comparable to the plight of African-Americans before or Martin. Far from it. But I can embrace his point in relation to myself in adoption.

They can throw all the bricks they like. I have to keep walking forward. Speech is empowerment but so is action.

Does that make sense?

Maybe I'm trying to figure out which battles to pick and which to avoid. THAT should only take the rest of my days! LOL!!!!


Amanda Thank you for your kind words! They are much appreicated!!!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

Hey there! This is a personal vent/observation from one bmom to the other bmoms in here. And it's said with respect for all - and I do mean ALL as in everyone in here.


I have somes questions to ask of all of us bmoms.

What does it really matter what outsiders call us? Do the ugly words we've all witnessed define us?

I watch a lot of us in here rush to defend our positions. Why do so?

Seriously, are we in here to learn from others like us about reunion? Are we in here to share in order to heal? Or are we here to endlessly justify ourselves to people outside of our own experience?

Because I found myself doing that very thing a short time ago. I am so glad it happened too. It gave me an opportunity to appreciate what I know I am and what I know I'm not. I'd almost forgotten that. I'd begun to buy in to the garbage floating on the prejudicial sea (and by that I mean garbage as in opinion - not garbage as in people).


Look, there are always going be those out there who point their finger at everyone else on the planet, calling everyone else "less than", speaking of others in ugly, derogatory terms. Meanwhile, they're sleeping around on their spouse with their own sister's husband. Or they're embezzeling funds from the retirement accounts of the elderly; that kind of hoo-hah.

Do you see what I'm saying? Homo sapiens ain't the most redeemable species - myself included. But when we respond to nasty underhanded comments, we lend those comments credence. In an odd sort of way, we actually give them merit - in my opinion.

To rush out and say "No! No! That's not true! You don't understand! Look at who I really am!" is a waste of time and intellect.

People either respect me or they don't. (Shrug inserted here). Who really gives a hoot? I respect me and that's good enough.

I can rant privately when something hits my craw and things do. That's what friends are for, right? But I ain't handing someone a gun to shoot me with - if that makes sense.

I think it is imperative that we come to understand we owe no one an apology or an explanation outside of our children, ourselves and our God - not necessarily in that order. And no one owes us one either.

IMO - We have got to stop venturing outside of this forum looking for approval. And I think we need to be honest that that's partly what we're doing it when we rush in where angels fear to tread. Because we have residual unpleasant feelings re. adoption.

Okay, that's why the birthmoms forum is here, isn't it? So that we can reach out to each other, offer compassion to those who venture in here and hope, that through our words, someone somewhere will understand.

But if they don't? Well then they don't. That's their right. No one has to accept me. Who the frig am I? And more importantly, who the frig are they?

Approval, love of self, respect for oneself? All that comes from within not from without.

Just my thoughts for whatever they're not worth to ya.

Depends on the year, era, age and social acceptance of the time a teen/young woman relinquishes. It depends on if you were told you were not good enough, a whore, slut, easy, social standing had no relevance. Rich or poor if you walked down the street to have people look at you like you were dirt.

To be called names when you went back to school.
If you returned to the same school and were shunned. Or boys or men dated you because you were easy.

Before 1960 divorced women were thought to be in need by married men and sometimes raped. Rape was consider their fault. Men could not be forced to pay for children they denied were theirs. There was no way to reliable prove who the father was and either young men or their parents would say the girl slept around.

When you are told this often enough, when your "mistake" shamed you entire family you believe what people said about you. It takes years or professional help, help that was only available after about the 1980's, to come to an understanding.

Women who gave up babies pre 1980 often do not talk about it to anyone, never have, some never will. They carry that guilt to their grave.

For those who have passed that hurdle it is when they find or are found that those emotions return. When you child looks at you and says, WHY, then will not understand or accept the only answer you have.

We are as good as anyone else, it is convincing ourselves that we are that is hardest.

[thanksgivingmom]

Janey - as someone that placed their child using Safe Haven - BELIEVE me, I've gotten my load of insults. I get emails from people I've never "met" even in Cyberland saying, "Glad you didn't kill your baby or toss her in a dumpster somewhere" - as though I even entertained the thought!

Terrified, I took her to a VERY safe and VERY reputable hospital, met her doctor (who has been delivering and treating newborns for over 25 years as she treated ME) and made sure she was the safest and healthiest baby in that place.

HOW that puts me on par with women that do horrific acts to their children I don't know.

But taking the insults in silence doesn't help me, or those that will go after me.....and there will be those that go after me. I have many younger cousins, nieces, and yes, even my daughter - and God forbid any of them find themselves in a situation where they feel adoption is the only answer, I want to do what I can NOW to protect them from what we have experienced.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

Hey there! This is a personal vent/observation from one bmom to the other bmoms in here. And it's said with respect for all - and I do mean ALL as in everyone in here.


I have somes questions to ask of all of us bmoms.

What does it really matter what outsiders call us? Do the ugly words we've all witnessed define us?

I watch a lot of us in here rush to defend our positions. Why do so?

Seriously, are we in here to learn from others like us about reunion? Are we in here to share in order to heal? Or are we here to endlessly justify ourselves to people outside of our own experience?

Because I found myself doing that very thing a short time ago. I am so glad it happened too. It gave me an opportunity to appreciate what I know I am and what I know I'm not. I'd almost forgotten that. I'd begun to buy in to the garbage floating on the prejudicial sea (and by that I mean garbage as in opinion - not garbage as in people).


Look, there are always going be those out there who point their finger at everyone else on the planet, calling everyone else "less than", speaking of others in ugly, derogatory terms. Meanwhile, they're sleeping around on their spouse with their own sister's husband. Or they're embezzeling funds from the retirement accounts of the elderly; that kind of hoo-hah.

Do you see what I'm saying? Homo sapiens ain't the most redeemable species - myself included. But when we respond to nasty underhanded comments, we lend those comments credence. In an odd sort of way, we actually give them merit - in my opinion.

To rush out and say "No! No! That's not true! You don't understand! Look at who I really am!" is a waste of time and intellect.

People either respect me or they don't. (Shrug inserted here). Who really gives a hoot? I respect me and that's good enough.

I can rant privately when something hits my craw and things do. That's what friends are for, right? But I ain't handing someone a gun to shoot me with - if that makes sense.

I think it is imperative that we come to understand we owe no one an apology or an explanation outside of our children, ourselves and our God - not necessarily in that order. And no one owes us one either.

IMO - We have got to stop venturing outside of this forum looking for approval. And I think we need to be honest that that's partly what we're doing it when we rush in where angels fear to tread. Because we have residual unpleasant feelings re. adoption.

Okay, that's why the birthmoms forum is here, isn't it? So that we can reach out to each other, offer compassion to those who venture in here and hope, that through our words, someone somewhere will understand.

But if they don't? Well then they don't. That's their right. No one has to accept me. Who the frig am I? And more importantly, who the frig are they?

Approval, love of self, respect for oneself? All that comes from within not from without.

Just my thoughts for whatever they're not worth to ya.

Instead of calling it rush to defend, how about teaching someone the truth of the why, when and how.

With shows like secret life of an america teenager or Juno that makes it look easy. Those who have never seen this decission made need to understand instead of putting bmom's down.

Sometimes it is a monumental task and no amount of explaining will help, so, maybe it depends on the situation, or the person you are talking too.

[RavenSong]

I think Scarlet Moon hit the nail on the head when she said, "Instead of calling it rush to defend, how about teaching someone the truth of the why, when and how. That's how I view it -- more as a teaching opportunity than a rush to defend.

I don't think most people who have not experienced what we have have a clue when it comes to birthmoms. They get their information from Lifetime movies and gossip, rather than really seeking out true knowledge. And then there are the people who are just plain judgmental...and think they know everything about us...without knowing anything about us at all.

I do think it's important to unveil the myths, the secrecy. As long as we're faceless or voiceless, things will never change.

[Stillamom]

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

I think it is imperative that we come to understand we owe no one an apology or an explanation outside of our children, ourselves and our God - not necessarily in that order. And no one owes us one either.

So why then is it, or is it just in my situation, that the aparents feel we owe them an explanation? Seems everything is analyzed and then questioned. Then, if the answers don't seem to fit their assumptions of how things happened, they feel a need to insert a possibly different scenario. What the !@?!? Of course, I know some of it comes from bdad because his "explanation" came first and doesn't coincide. But guess what guys, he WAS NOT there!!! Do they think they are helping their DD find answers? She is, after all, old enough to decide for herself what she wants to believe. I think it is causing more harm than good. Their questioning, along with bd questioning is causing her to question. I think getting a little education would be more productive. So why do I even answer? Quite frankly, it's very insulting when someone tries to tell me that they know more about my life than I do.

It is just so obvious and frustrating that people still don't get what went on in the closed era. I am surprised, though, that people who adopted during that time wouldn't have a clue either! Quite frankly, I don't think anyone wants to believe it because then there would be a lot more apologies due. We birthmothers, are the only ones who should be apologizing, right? (sarcasm)

I've only been here a short time and have learned a lot and have been helped alot by all of you,(thank you) but it seems as though the more I learn, the more frustrated I get. ;-(

Btw, Kathy, thanks for the prayers. I know God loves me.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Stillamom

So why then is it, or is it just in my situation, that the aparents feel we owe them an explanation? Seems everything is analyzed and then questioned. Then, if the answers don't seem to fit their assumptions of how things happened, they feel a need to insert a possibly different scenario. What the !@?!? Of course, I know some of it comes from bdad because his "explanation" came first and doesn't coincide. But guess what guys, he WAS NOT there!!! Do they think they are helping their DD find answers? She is, after all, old enough to decide for herself what she wants to believe. I think it is causing more harm than good. Their questioning, along with bd questioning is causing her to question. I think getting a little education would be more productive. So why do I even answer? Quite frankly, it's very insulting when someone tries to tell me that they know more about my life than I do.

It is just so obvious and frustrating that people still don't get what went on in the closed era. I am surprised, though, that people who adopted during that time wouldn't have a clue either! Quite frankly, I don't think anyone wants to believe it because then there would be a lot more apologies due. We birthmothers, are the only ones who should be apologizing, right? (sarcasm)

I've only been here a short time and have learned a lot and have been helped alot by all of you,(thank you) but it seems as though the more I learn, the more frustrated I get. ;-(

Btw, Kathy, thanks for the prayers. I know God loves me.

I had people tell me when I started searching for my son that my mother forcing the adoption was the best thing for me.

If that was so, why did I find someone/anyone who would marry me within 6 months of his birth. I wanted my son he was gone, so I wanted another baby. I had to wait until I turned 17 to get married. Two weeks before my birthson's frist birthday I was married and expecting.

Adoption can be good, I know that, just wasn't for me.