[mrstak]

My heart hurts. I regret giving my baby up for adoption 9 years ago. I feel guilty because I feel this way. I have 2 beautiful children who are with me, but I want all of them. My sons A-mother could not have children and at the time I was pregnant with him I was afraid to keep him because I was already a single mom with one and I didn’t feel I could handle two. Birthfather was a real piece of work and said he would not even acknowledge the baby. I never gave a thought what it would be like to keep him I convinced myself that he was not my baby, that he was meant for someone else. Everyone tells me what a beautiful thing I did. Sure maybe they are right, but I am not so sure I really thought about the emotional consequences of my actions. I miss him every day. I hurt. I feel like he is so close and I try to reach out to touch him, hug him love him but he is untouchable to me, because I gave up the right to be his Mom when he was born. I never held him in my arms, I wanted to, but I couldn’t because I would not have let him go to be with his adoptive parents. It would have broke their hearts. I am unable to deal with the emotions I feel and I am not sure how I really feel because I hold it inside. I can’t do anything to change the path I chose. I am confused and I don’t know how or what to do. I guess I thought as time passes I would heal, but it isn’t happening. It seems as each year passes it hurts more. I can’t talk to anyone close to me about this because they think they understand and try to be supportive, but I can't even figure out what I am feeling.

[bromanchik]

mrstak,

Please do not suffer in silence. Share it here. So many of us have been there. All the things you are feeling... you are not alone.

Have you considered counseling? Sometimes we can get stuck when there is so much loss and regret. It can help to have someone objective help you sort it out.

[Janeytwo]

Dear mrstak,

Hi. My name's Janey. Welcome to the forum.

Just wanted to tell you that everything you talk of here are things I've felt myself.

Hope you know you're not alone and that this is a good place to come for understanding which is something I sure needed.

Keep posting and take care of you today!

[dklevy]

Welcome. This is a great place to let it all out and know that the advice and support you get comes from people who know and not people who are imagining what you are going through. I just joined and although it's painful to face everything, we have to face it in order to heal because time really doesn't heal these wounds.

I am not so sure I really thought about the emotional consequences of my actions I don't think any of of could have imagined what it's like no matter how much thought we put into it or how much guidance we got.

I convinced myself that he was not my baby SE was never "my" baby, she was always "our" baby. Made the good-bye easier even though it was still nearly unbearable.

It seems as each year passes it hurts moreI feel the same way. Finding where she lives helped. Writing her parents helped. Not getting a response certainly didn't help.

I know the forum can't do all a real person can. It can't hold you as you cry. But I hope it helps you to sort everything out and to realize you shouldn't feel guilty about how you feel. We have no control over our feelings only what we do with them.

[kakuehl]

mrstak - please take Brenda's advice and consider counseling. She can help you find a counselor in your area who understands adoption issues.

I have always thought of relinquishment as a wound that heals with scar tissue. Over time, for me anyway, the scar tissue fades and becomes less sensitive. It never goes away completely.

Do come share your feelings here. Many of us have faced similar situations.

[JustPeachy]

I am so sorry you are going through this. No matter what, no matter how prepared you think you are for placing a child for adoption (and I thought I was totally prepared), it is never easy, not by a long shot.

I must agree with the others in saying please consider counseling. And keep coming here and "talk" to us! There are many wise women who have traveled the same path and are so helpful. Keeping it all bottled up inside is not the answer.

Did you place through an agency? What type of adoption do you have (closed/semi-open/open)???

I know for me, counseling helped tremendously, as did getting my feelings out through creative expression. You don't have to understand your feelings, even if they don't seem to make sense, just get them out. Do you like to write/journal? That can be extremely helpful in getting feelings out. I find also knowing other birthmoms and communicating with them (both online and in person) is so helpful. If there are any birthmom or triad support groups in your area, I would highly recommend going.

[Amandak249]

I don't have much advice, as I'm just an adoptee- I have no experience! There are plenty of women of here who not only have traveled the road you're on, but who've mastered it. There are some fabulous people here- all of whom would be willing and happy to listen.

Hang in there!

[mrstak]

Thanks to each of you who replied. To answer a couple of questions, my Adoption is semi open or open. Not really sure how you would clarify it. It was a private adoption. The adoptive parents and I went through my pregnancy together, the a-mom wanted to be there and know everything I was going through. We don't use a third party for correspondence. I get pictures and letters every year without fail. The adoptive parents and I have left the door open to when he is ready he can contact me. We did not set an age or date.

I believe counseling would probably do me a world of good. I used to love to journal, but for some reason whenever I try to put my feelings on paper I just ended up going blank and crying my eyes out. Even right now I am having a hard time just thinking about it. I know I am trying to bury what I am feeling because I am afraid that maybe it is just to painful for me to take. I really don't know. I have always been the type of person who would never bottle things up inside, but for some reason I am pretty sure that is exactly what I am doing.

[lisah3389]

Hi! What you are feeling is normal. It is called the grieving process. After giving up parental rights of a child, you experience greiving, just like when someone dies. The pain is very deep. And what makes it even harder is the fact that we did it. My advice to you is, if you are a christian, put your son in God's hands. And of course counseling is a real good idea, it will help you understand what your feeling. You are actually in a better situation then most, because you know your son is with a loving mother. You know where he is too. That would be a tremendous comfort to me. Another thing is if his mother is kind enough to send you pictures of him every year, than you can bet she will tell him all about you when he's grown.