[alc04]

I am very happy with the choice I made for Owen. He is thriving very well with his Aparents and they love him so much. But, I feel this empty place in my heart. My boys mean everything to me and he is no different. I just feel so weird having been pregnant for nine months and not getting to do all the things I did with my other two. When I see parents with babies around Owen's age I want to cry. How do I cope with this? I have a history of Self-Injury and am trying to stay far away from that.

[RavenSong]

As birth/first mothers, we can believe in our hearts that the decision we made was the right one, but we still grieve the loss of our child. You're right -- it is such a weird, almost physical, feeling when you carry a child for nine months and then he's gone in the blink of an eye. We have all those postpartum hormones surging that Mother Nature gave us to help us take care of our babies. The baby may be gone, but the hormones are still surging.

You say you have a history of self-injury. Do you see a therapist or trusted counselor? If not, I think you should seriously consider getting some therapy. Whatever you do, don't take it out on yourself...don't hurt yourself.

I think the feelings you're experiencing are totally normal. I know I felt the same emptiness the first year of my baby's life.

Keep posting here...it really does help to talk with other women who have gone through the same things. We're all pretty good listeners here, and I've met some wonderful people from all three sides of the triad, people I can pour my heart out to and trust.

Be good to yourself...be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself the same way you would treat your best friend if she was going through the same thing as you are right now.

[dklevy]

I used to self mutilate. I can relate completely to how you feel. Feeling physical pain is soooo much easier than the pain that we go through when we lose a child. I don't believe that just because we chose to reliquish that it's any easier. Honestly, I think in many ways it's harder because it was a choice and not some horrible accident.

Focus on the positive as much as you can. Go to therapy, support groups, and rely on friends. Try not to focus on the hurt. Cutting was how I focused on the physical hurt in order to ignore the emotional. But when the cut healed, the pain was still there.

Personally, my least destructive coping mechanism was to just stay busy. To never stay home. I'm sure your other boys can help with that!

Stay strong, but allow yourself to be weak as well. Let others help you. Talk out how you feel and don't ever be ashamed of how you feel. You are not alone.

[JustPeachy]

By all means, reach out to a trusted therapist, come here and let it out, and take to heart the advice that Raven and dklevy are giving, as it is good. The first year was definitely the very hardest for me in terms of where my emotions were. And it is perfectly normal to have conflicting feelings. I felt I made the right decision for my son and yet the pain was still so great, and why wouldn't it be? Placing a child, even if it is your decision and what you feel is best, is still a tremendous loss. Try as best as you can to focus on positive, healing things. Keeping busy is not a bad thing, so long as you are not "stuffing" your emotions. They have to come out in a healthy way. Allow yourself to cry and grieve. I understand you may not want to be falling apart in front of your kids, but find some alone time where you can do so in private. Journaling has always been helpful for me, anything creative, exercise can also help with difficult emotions, and of course, just being good to yourself. Treat yourself to something nice, it doesn't have to be expensive. Even a small bouquet of flowers, a hot bubble bath, etc., can be very nurturing. Understand that it will take time, but you can heal, and one thing that helped me is for me to work on striving to be the best person I could be so that I could be someone my son would be proud of.

[alc04]

Thank You so much. I have seen a therapist before, but felt it wasn't helping. Instead I post often on a board called 'Bodies Under Siege'. They are all past addicts, Self Mutilators, and so on. They give great advice. Plus, I know they feel the same things I do.
I feel some comfort in seeing his pictures his amom sends me. He looks so happy and very well cared for. I know that no matter what in my heart he will always be my son. No one could ever take that away. My adoption counsler with the agency makes weekly calls to me to see how I am and wants to see if I need to talk. She is a very nice lady and has given up a child for adoption. That's how she started her career.