[agree519]

Hi everyone, I'm wrestling with something and would love to get advice from a birth parent. I looked through some of your posts here, and it looks like most of you are bparents looking to reunite, but I hope that someone could just shine some perspective on this.

My incredibly lengthy story is here: My Story

Basically, I found her, she gave me limited information and in a nutshell asked to be left alone. Using her email address, I was able to find out more about her, including her home address and phone number. This happened in 2002, and I dont have the same contact information I had when this all happened.

I want to mail her a letter just to say that I respect her space, but here's the key to find me if she ever changed her mind. But in doing that, I think I would make matters worse, because she's going to realize that she doesnt have that security of me not knowing where she is.

I just dont know what to do with all that I have on her. Best case senario would be I would get the meeting with her that I've always wanted, but I would be so very pleased and satisfied if I could just get her to send me a picture of her, it wouldnt have to be current, but maybe around the time she had me. The reality of it all is that she's content in her life now, and she doesnt want to meet me. I've come as close to "accepting" it as I could possibly be, and I dont think anything else could disapoint me further.

I think that I just cant let this go because she shut the door on both meeting her and whatever possibility I could have at finding my bfather.

I do have a wonderful supportive afamily, (aka real family) that I am not looking to replace, but yet I just have this need to meet my other side.

Thank you all in advance.

[quantum]

I feel for you! I really do. I had always been open to having my son a part of my life.

It's been a while since you contacted your bmom. There are many reasons why she would have rejected contact a few years ago, it is possible that she might be more willing now. I understand you wanting to leave the door open in case she changes her mind.

I wish I had some advice as to how to approach her, I'm hoping other ladies here might have some good suggestions.

In the meantime, I'm wondering, have you read 'The Girls Who Went Away' ? that might help with some insight as to why she has refused contact. Please try not to take it personally (I know it's impossible), I'm sure she loves you and thinks about you, it's just that so many of us from the closed era had it drilled into us that we were to forget and move on and some were better at the illusion of doing that than others. It's possible that no one in her life knows about you and the thought of coming out and what that might mean and what that might change terrifies her.

I wish you all the best!

[dklevy]

I can relate but from the other "side". I tracked down my daughter and send her parents a letter directly (she's only 11). I decided to do it despite the fears that it would upset them. I had to know they knew had to get ahold of me and that I still love them and miss my daughter. If you have that same nagging feeling of "what if she wants to reach out but can't find me" like i did, I'd say go for it. A lot can change in 7 years. And it's not like reaching out to her can destroy what you have now, right? Just phrase it like you did here. Tell her you will understand if you don't hear from her, but that you want whatever she is willing to give and wanted her to know your new info. I wish you the best!

[JustPeachy]

Oh, I feel for you! You are in such a tough position. I am a birthmom, but had a semi-open, so pictures and letters were exchanged through the years. I have always been open to reunion and though I'm not in it yet, I can say that even moving toward it stirs up many, many difficult emotions. Ones that surprised and shocked me. And fear can totally paralyze you, regardless of whether or not you want to reconnect. I suspect, given your mom was from the closed era, she dealt with losing you by just trying to push all the feelings away and "move on" as she was most certainly told to do. I think it could be espeically difficult if it was not really her decision to relinquish you, but rather was forced by her family or coerced by an agency.

Given all that, the initial shock of you contacting her previously is no longer there. I don't know if, over the years, she's tried to process the feelings that have certainly come up, or if she just "left the book on the shelf" as she indicated, but I think it might be worth another try IF you go in up front knowing it could result in her still not being ready or willing to communicate. It will feel like a rejection, but I don't know that it is the true intention for your birthmom to reject you, but rather an extreme difficulty to cope with very difficult emotions that will arise. It might be beneficial for you to get some counseling while you make this decision and go through with it, if that's what you decide to do.

Was your adoption handled through an agency?? I'm wondering if you bmom is not receptive to direct contact, if she'd be willing to send an update through the agency. That may be another avenue to pursue.

I think if you started out by saying you would like to reach out again and see if she may be interested to open up communication, wanted to provide your contact information in case she ever wanted to reach out to you, and asked if you could take things slowly, that might be a good way to go. I would not push for a meeting right now. I would take it step by step. Tell her a little bit about yourself and maybe enclose a photo of yourself, too. I think if it were me, I'd just leave it at that and request that if she does not want ongoing contact, if she could consider an updated medical history and ask if she would be willing to share a photo, because it would mean so much to you to know what she looked like.

Good luck to you! You sound like a well-put-together person and I think you'll come across just fine. If she doesn't respond, it's not about you at all.

[LasVegasMom]

Hi, I'm also a birthmom. I so feel for you, but you have to know that your bmom most likely has issues surrounding your adoption that she has never dealt with (I know I did and still do after much therapy)I relinquished my son in 1980. This was during the closed era-this was during a time when we were told to "get over it...get on with your life", which is what I did but really that is a total joke because you can never forget, you always wonder, you always feel the love for your baby no matter what you are told. However, many women kept the fact that they relinquished a child a total secret. I had the good sense to tell my husband before we were married-didn't want my son to show up on my doorstep and have to explain to my husband something I should have told him already. Anyhow, I have found that many women never tell anyone, even those closest to them. The birth becomes the "family secret". Yes, it is horrible, yes, it is wrong, but it is what it is unfortunately. I believe in 27 years, my mother spoke of my son 1 time only and everyone else in my family was afraid of hurting my feelings or something by speaking of him. My children did not know they had an older brother. Living the lie of my life was tiring and frankly having my son contact me was very freeing, because I did not have to 'pretend' anymore-I have THREE children, not 2, and my reunion has given me my precious son again. I guess what I am saying is if she is like me, or many other women from the closed era, she has never fully dealt with the emotions of relinquishing you. Your contact obviously spooked her, but it may have also given her the opportunity to deal with unresolved issues from your adoption. She has had time, I say at least try it again, and if this time she does not respond, then she knows how to get in touch with you in the future. Stay on the forums, read anything you can about reunion, and say your prayers. Sounds like your aparents are awesome and supportive so lean on them as well. Good luck

[RavenSong]

I remember reading your story several weeks ago when you first posted it. It's such a touching story about how the OB nurse called your mom to tell her a woman in labor wanted to place her baby for adoption.

I'm wondering something. Have you checked your birthmom's listing lately over at Classmates.com? If she hasn't deleted it, I think you can think it's safe to assume that she thinks you might contact her again.

My advice as a birthmother is to go ahead and send her a letter, stating what you've told us in this thread...that you're open to contact if she ever changes her mind. She's a big girl -- she must know that in this day and age, it is really easy to find physical addresses and phone numbers on just about anybody.

I highly suspect that the reason she said she didn't want contact with you is because she hasn't told the younger children she raised about you. This seems to be a huge recurring theme that I've noticed over the past several years. When a birthmother doesn't tell her raised children about their lost sibling, she tends to be scared out of her wits of how the kids will react if they find out. I've read so many threads where this same thing has happened to other adoptees when they reach out to their birthmothers. In so many of these instances, they have siblings who haven't been told about them.

Hang in there, and keep posting here. We've got a lot of great members from all three sides of the triad.

[Janeytwo]

Hey there "Agree"!

I'm just stopping in to echo what the other ladies have said.

I know it's hard to reach out again...frightening for you. And that's understandable.

Maybe this was exactly what your bmom went through when you contacted her. She'd buried everything so deeply that she couldn't get over the fear.

Emotional risk is the hardest to face.

((( "Agree" ))) Perhaps one more try is worth it - at least then you'll know you did try and you don't have to torture yourself wondering.

Keep us posted okay?

Hugs to ya!

[honeybee80]

I am a bmom that did not give up her bchild by choice but I was young and the courts took away my rights. Sadly I am on the other end of the scope. My bdaughter wants nothing to do with me, she is 14, because her amom knows me and does not like me. I feel for your pain. I am a bmom that would welcome my child with open arms but sadly that's not the case for your bmom. I would still try to contact her and let her know how you feel. She probably suspected that you might try to get in contact with her. You have a right to know who your bdad is and she cannot take that away from you. I would write her a letter letting her know what it would mean to you knowing what she looks like. It wouldnt hurt to try again she might just change her mind. Try myspace, facebook, that's where I found my girl. Don't ever give up hope.

[LasVegasMom]

Raven is correct about keeping "secrets", and I can only say from my perspective it was the 2nd most difficult thing I ever did in my life-the first being relinquishing my son-the 2nd being telling my 2 other children they had a brother they knew nothing of and that I had kept him a secret from them. The thing is, when you are open and honest, good things usually happen. This was the case in my instance. My kids were so excited about their brother, they made me call him that very second! They now all call and text each other all the time and my son is enjoying being their big brother.
While there are many reasons your bmom may be scared to have the contact with you, go for it. You never know what can happen, but you really don't know until you try!

[teacher22]

Agree, I am a birthmom who made contact with my son in December and we continue to do so by email and Facebook only. I was so grateful to have contact with him especially since I approached him, but I became immediately overwhelmed with guilt and grief again. Maybe this is something that your birthmom was feeling. I have since calmed down a lot but the waves of emotion sneak in every once in awhile. I'd say go for the contact. She might be scared too and just needs that extra push!

=) teacher22