[susie_book]

In three weeks I'll see my son for the first time since I placed him--and I kind of don't want to. I know that probably sounds nuts, especially after I spent months wishing I hadn't had to give him up, but now I'm just nervous and upset by the idea of seeing him. I worry that his parents will expect me to hold him--the idea makes me want to cry. He'll be about six months old. The birthfather is really excited about seeing him, no complicated feelings apparently, so I'm the only one who's not feeling positive about the visit.

Has anyone else ever been upset by the idea of a visit? How did things end up going?

[bromanchik]

Feeling ambivalent is perfectly normal. It is the fear of the unknown... will he cry if I hold him, will I cry? Will it be awkward? Will seeing the adoptive mom taking care of my son be upsetting. Will I be upset if he is shy around me. Will I do the right thing? All of these might be on your mind.

Just remember that you are building a relationship with the adoptive parents as well, one that will hopefully last a lifetime.

Take it slow. Get to know each other. If you can discuss your concerns with the adoptive parents.

[quantum]

I think you're protecting yourself a bit! Well, it's a possibility of course.
I know when I first was going to see my son (after 21 years) I was excited but there was also a chance it wouldn't happen and I kept myself sane with the 'well it will be ok either way'.

It's been great to see him when I have though! Brenda has some good advice...

[thanksgivingmom]

I BAWLED nearly the entire way TO my second visit. About five minutes into the drive I realize I didn't want to go. At all. I don't know why......the first visit went fine - great, in fact. I just wanted to throw my head deep into the sand and not pull it out again.

Of course, that doesn't work anyway.

I pushed through it, drove to the visit, and pushed through it.

It's those moments where I realize how very much open adoption ISN'T about ME. I know that following through is important for my daughter. I know that visits are important for my daughter. I know that KNOWING me is important for my daughter. So I do it. Even when it's scary. Even when it makes me want to cry. Even when I think I can't.

Know that we are here for you as you work through all of these emotions.

[susie_book]

Thanks for the replies. It's funny--I feel like I already have a good relationship with his mom--we email every week, and are pretty close. But it's helpful to hear that some of you birthmoms got to see your kids and didn't cry or melt down or have anything catastrophic happen. My mom will also be seeing the kid and meeting his parents for the first time; last night she was trying to talk me into getting pregnant asap so I can raise a grandchild for her. -.- I do want a child at some point, but I'm still not in a good place to become a parent. Ah, well.

[kakuehl]

Susie - I think your mom might be trying to deal with her grief. Tell her that there is a right time for you to be a parent! Another child will never replace the first one but will be loved for his/her self!

[alc04]

I got to meet my son and his parents on Thursday of last week. He was two weeks old. I was so scared that I cried in my car for 10 minutes before I could bring myself to walk inside. Good luck!

[JustPeachy]

I can only imagine how difficult it might be as I did not have an OA, but I know you will handle this and come out stronger for it. There are so many ladies here who have walked this path and as you can see, they have many words of wisdom and have weathered the storm.

I actually admire all you ladies who, depsite the emotional difficulties, are keeping to your OAs. I often wish I could have had an OA, but to be very honest with you, I don't know that I would have been able to handle it so well.

susie_book, you will have your mom with you for support and of course, us here. And it IS so very important for your child to know you over the years and to see you as a consistent person in her life. And as hard as it is, there are benefits for you, too, to get to see your child. I often think if I had an OA, there wouldn't be so much difficulty now (moving toward reunion) for me and my son.