[broken_mommy]

Ok my son that i gave up for adoption (04/01/1995)when he was 6 weeks old turned 14. All i want to do is cry. I have regretted this since i signed the papers but i did what was best for him at the time. He is my miracle baby as he and i almost died during the birth. I know his addy but the adoptive parents consider me trash for giving him up and wont tell him who i am. Last year i sent him a birthday card with my phone number and a letter telling him who i was but i dont want to ruin his b-day if he doesn't know about me. I have another son who is now 9 and he wants to know his brother as i have all his baby pics hanging on the wall. What do i do? What takes the pain Away. I have a countdown of the days till he turns 18. What age can i try to contact him without getting in trouble? i mean i know i'm not his legal mother anymore but he is still my boy if that makes sense

i have written adoptive mom letters and never get a reply and he wont remember me since he was only about 14 months the last time i saw him since the adoption took a while so we got to see him until he was a little over a year. So that really hurt to.i send cards in hopes that one day when i meet him i can tell him that there wasnt a day in the last ---- (how many ever) years that i didnt think of him. i keep a journal of all the hopes i had for him so he can see i never stopped loving him

im a mess over this

in some ways i think i should just stay aways forever and not screw up his head but yet i gave birth to him and love him and made a terrible mistake by giving him up

i feel like a failure and a horrible parent and im afraid my other son will hate me for it when he gets older

I plan on being at his graduation and they cant stop me. I know where he goes to school but no sure what grade. the song lightning crashes was the song my dad heard on the way to the hospital when my gram called him and told him that i was hemmoraging and they didnt think we were going to make it. and today i was at the store with hubby and it came on the radio i ran out crying. The drs said my placenta separated and he was not breathing from and had not been gettin enough oxygen since my water broke and was filled with blood. The delivery was so bad they wouldnt let my mom or any family in with me. I was a terrified 16 years old.

sorry about spelling and stuff just been crying all day and sorry if its long and doent make sense just hard to type it all

thanks mamas


what do i do now? honestly what would you do? can they get me for stalking if i keep mailing letters

[RavenSong]

If I were you, I'd write a respectful letter to Cody's mom, asking her to provide you with annual updates and photographs. I'm not quite sure how you obtained their address. Did the parents give you the address, themselves? Or did you find it on your own?

If you used an adoption agency when you relinquished your son, I recommend asking them to act as a third-party intermediary. Send your letters and photos to them, and ask them to forward them to Cody's parents. His amom may feel less threatened if you use the agency to exchange your communications.

I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain and regret. Even though you feel that you made a mistake by relinquishing your son, I think it's important not to let him know that. After dealing with adoption for the past 37 years and reunion for the last 19 years, I've come to strongly believe that the pain and regret experienced by birthmoms (myself included) is our burden to bear, not our children's. It won't help you build a healthy relationship with Cody in the future if you tell him that you feel you made a horrible mistake, IMHO. Many adoptees in reunion feel somehow responsible for their birthmother's emotional pain and regrets, just by being born.

I'm not suggesting that you bury your pain and emotions, not at all...in fact, that's the worse thing you can do. I believe it's imperative for birthmoms to work at being as emotionally healthy as possible, preferably in the years leading up to reunion. Take this time to work on your birthmom issues, and it'll be a lot easier on both you and Cody when you do reunite. If you can possibly see a therapist, I highly recommend it. It's best if you can find a therapist or counselor who has experience in dealing with adoption issues. If none are available where you live, be sure to tell the therapist that you'll need to work on grief issues.

Other things that helped me while I was preparing to reunite with my son 19 years ago were journaling, artwork, putting together a scrapbook for him, and joining an adoption triad support group. I'd be glad to help you find a support group if you send me your location via PM (private message).

Good luck, and keep coming back here. There are a lot of great members here from all three sides of the triad. We may not have all the answers, but I promise you that we'll listen.

[kakuehl]

Also, recognize that anniversaries bring special pain! My bson and I have been in a relationship for three years and I still believe I made the best decision for him, I still find that his birthday is a very difficult time for me emotionally. I still wonder about how his adoption affected my ability to raise my other children. My personal goal was to allow D to have the information to find me if/when he was ready. Unfortunately, my early attempts failed. I finally found him (at least his name) on this site. I contacted his parents who gave him the info. In your case, I would explain to your 9 year old that your bson's parents don't want to have a relationship with you right now. I would send a certified letter to your BS on his 18th birthday (to make sure he gets it.) and then let it in his hands. I would try to be as courteous and respectful of his aparents as possible (Treat them as you wish they would treat you.) Send them updates of you and your family. Continue to as for updates. Try not to "pester" them!

[greenbottles]

Have you searched for him online - Myspace, Facebook, Bebo? Also if you know what school he goes to chances are that they will have an online newsletter. He could be mentioned in the newsletter with photos. I have found my bdaughter online and I have watched her Myspace for a few years now - since she was about 14 - I have not contacted her through Myspace as I didn't want her to make it private. She and her friends - now late teens - have moved to facebook and so I don't get to see her page as it's private...but I have found photos of her on her friend's boyfriends' Facebook...
Your son maybe a bit young yet to have any interest in these sites but chances are he'll get a webpage soon....
It has kept me sane as she doesn't want contact...

[broken_mommy]

i have searched myspace and found 2 that could be him. they are private so i dont know what to do. i know he has no clue who i am.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by broken_mommy

i have searched myspace and found 2 that could be him. they are private so i dont know what to do. i know he has no clue who i am.

Since your son is only 14 years old, I don't think you should be thinking of contacting him at all through MySpace, even if you can figure out which private profile is his. I thought you were trying to figure out whether to send his parents another letter or not. I didn't realize from your first post on this thread that you were contemplating direct contact with him.

No one can tell you what to do, but I can almost guarantee you that if you go behind his parents' backs at this point in time, they'll have a very strong negative reaction. If you aren't willing to contact his parents first, I would strongly recommend that you wait to contact your son directly until he is of legal age.

I know the waiting is very difficult when they become teenagers...I know this. But it's something you just have to put up with, IMHO. If I were in your shoes, I would write a very respectful letter to his folks. Remember to treat them in the same manner you would like to be treated.

[browneyes0707]

I do understand how you feel. I found my DD online when she was 14 (I wasn't really looking for her, I got curious one night and there she was) I didn't contact her, but her birthfather did. And even though she claimed to want to meet us, it was really hard for her to have that fantasy suddenly become reality. She told her parents he contacted her, and she hasn't asked for direct contact since. I was fortunate enough that her mom offered to keep in touch with me ( I did not contact her directly, instead I wrote her mom, which is how I learned what her birthfather did) but we also had an OA for a few years after her birth before we lost touch. I have contact with her mom, but it's not really a two way street, and it's been a hard road to navigate.

First, I'm sure you will think I'm crazy for saying this now, but you have no idea how quickly the years will fly. My DD is 17 now and just the other day I remarked how it seems like yesterday that she was 14 and I thought I'd have to wait so long!

I highly suggest waiting until he is of age. As much as you are his birthmother, you are also a stranger in the sense that he doesn't know you. The thing that gets me through is knowing that I have to do this on DD's time, not mine. It's about what she wants, not what I want. And although I believe that she is more interested than she lets on, I still can't risk making her uncomfortable. I used to check her out on myspace, but to be honest, it made me uncomfortable to "spy" on her. She did set it to private, which I'm glad because I don't think the web public SHOULD have access to a teenager. Don't risk making your son uncomfortable to satisfy your curiousity. You want to build a relationship with him that starts off on the right foot. Also remember that 18 isn't a magic age, he might be a little older when he is ready. Just give him that time and space.

As for his parents, well, they will have to own up to their own actions. They are the ones who will have to explain that you sent letters and cards and they opted to not respond or see it through. It's rude of them not to respond, but sometimes people are just that, rude. Unfortunately, if they don't want a relationship, there isn't much to do about that. If you do keep sending letters, they may percieve it as stalking. And that's the last thing you need. Have they ever responded to you? What makes you think they have not told him or that they thing less of you for choosing to place your baby with them?

Hang in there. Concentrate on being the best person you can be so when he IS ready, he can see that his mother certainly is NOT trash, but a woman worth getting to know!

[broken_mommy]

ok so i wrote 2 letters one to them and one to him. i piut his with theirs and asked they do with it what they want. its up to them for NOW... I tried i contacted the adoption agency i have to call back on monday since i was told it was an OA.

[greenbottles]

Browneyes, I agree that young teenagers' webprofiles should be on private. I personally dislike Facebook because it has convinced users to put their 'real' names out there, whereas with Bebo and Myspace the teens mostly use fake names so they can be a lot harder to find. It took a lot of searching to find my bdaughter's Myspace. But do I feel like it's spying -no - it has got me through the tough early teen years. I could see what she was doing etc without direct contact. Most of my questions were answered. Broken Mommy hang in there - i recommend linking up with other bmothers through this site and learning about reunion because it will happen and then you will be somewhat prepared.