[Birthmom12_10_2008]

How do you deal with your best friends being pregnant?

How do you deal with the wanting to get pregnant again to fill the void?

How do you deal with the strong desire to get him back?

[aspenhall]

It hasn't been that long, are you sure there isn't any way to get him back? ......Do your reasons for placing him not apply anymore?....

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really am. I wish I had more advice.

[belleinblue1978]

The pregnant thing I ignore, I really do. Other people can have children and be happy. It took me awhile to get to that point though. I still have issues with people that are pregnant that I KNOW don't have support, financial means, but I can't do anything about it so I don't let it eat me.

I have a cat, that's how I dealt with the void. Even if I got pregnant again, I can't replace my son, and trying won't help.

I reminded myself constantly that I did what I did for him and that he is well loved. It isn't easy and I still have to do that, but I had to be honest with myself about my situation and the legalities of it.

[JustPeachy]

How do you deal with your best friends being pregnant?

I had a best friend who was pregnant at the same time I was, who was planning for adoption like me. After she had her baby, she had a change of heart and brought him home. I wasn't due for another 3 months. I remember feeling sad because we were on the same path and supporting each other, and now I was still planning for adoption and I felt alone with it, but also happy for her, and a bit envious that she was able to take her baby home. As it turned out, after several weeks, my friend realized she was not ready to be a mom. She was going to call the attorney to open up the adoption again, when a family member stepped forward and adopted her child. She still got to see her baby, while I didn't have this option, but I learned to not compare myself and my circumstances to my friends. I was pretty well set on my decision, so even though other people had different life situations and choices they made, I still felt underlying everything, I did the right thing in my particular circumstances.

How do you deal with the wanting to get pregnant again to fill the void?

I never wanted to get pregnant again to fill the void. I guess I never really felt a void, just that I missed my son terribly and I knew another baby would not replace him. I thought when I got older and met the right person, I would probably have other children. As it turned out, I did not have other children for a variety of reasons, and although I went through a rather long period of indecision about whether I wanted them, I'm pretty well content with my life as it is.

How do you deal with the strong desire to get him back?

My son was in cradle care for approx. 6 weeks before I signed TPR, so I had all that time to really think everything over. Before I had him, I was set on adoption and of course, did not anticipate how strongly I'd bond with him after birth. Leaving the hospital without him was excruciating, but once I signed, I knew that was it and there was no turning back. I guess I didn't have a desire to get him back, as I knew it was an impossibility and again, I was very well set in my decision. I missed him terribly, but just held out hope that we'd meet again and I could know him someday. I think having a semi-open adoption was very helpful too, so at least I could see his pictures and know what kind of progress he was making. When I saw how happy and well-adjusted he was, it eased my mind a lot. I wish now, in hindsight, I could have had an open adoption, but I am also a very different person now than I was back then. I'm not sure I would have handled OA very well when I placed my son.

Things are still very new for you. I would give much more time for your emotions to settle and keep in mind, your hormones are also re-adusting, which complicates everything. The first year for me was so very difficult and the grief was the most intense at that time. I would suggest counseling, and I wouldn't do anything rash (i.e. having another baby right now to fill the void you are feeling--that wouldn't be fair to you or the child). Also, try not to compare yourself to your friends, as everyone's situation is different.

[dklevy]

We all have to find our own way to cope. I don't hold little babies, can't feel happy for pregnant friends, and have withdrawn from certain situations for the last 11 years.

A cat or dog might help with some of the loneliness, but I have a somewhat antisocial wild born rabbit and snakes, so I really can't speak from experience there.

I can sympathize with wanting to fill the void with another baby, but please don't do it for only that reason and not so soon. 11 years to the day later, and remarried to my exhusband, we are now just starting to talk about starting a family again. And I still am afraid that the pain inside will prevent me from looking at and holding my own baby.

Sorry that probably doesn't help much. Today's a rough day for me. But maybe it'll help to know we all get through it one way or another.....And be thankfull you are here to get support from day one. Too many of us didn't have that.

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

Thanks for the imput. It is very hard to not let it get me down. And I try very hard. And I am very happy for my 2 best friends. But at the same time I'm sooooooooooo jealous of what they have and get to have.

As for getting pregnant again, I just found out that I have pre-cancerous cells in my cervix (most woman do, and my doc doesn't seem worried - it's mild), and was told to not even have sex, so that won't be a problem, and I wouldn't go out and do that any ways. As for a dog or cat, I couldn't afford the upkeep on a baby much less an animal. But I have thought about it, a lot.

[kakuehl]

I have often looked back at that time and wondered how I did it. I know that certain of my life decisions were definitely affected by D's placement. I was a senior in college and took two weeks off when he was born. (I went to the hospital with a suitcase of clothes and books.) I busied myself with my school work and built a wall around myself. I married my husband two months after graduation (looking back, a direct result of the adoption.) DH was a good friend who was with me through the pregnancy and delivery although he is not D's bfather. I didn't have any friends who were pregnant but I did have cousins who were having children. I badly wanted to have a baby although I knew it would not replace D. My husband and I have two children (D was born in Oct. of 72, the others in July 76 and 78). My only advice is live each day, one day at a time, as fully as you can. In my experience it does get easier as time goes on. Understand that the experience has changed you and you will continue to change.

[teacher22]

A close family friend and cousin were pregnant and due at the same time as I was. I couldn't go to their showers because I just couldn't deal with the whole scenario. I went through a phase a couple of years later where I really wanted a baby. I started to babysit for 2-3 days at a time for 2 toddlers. I did that 3 times a month for about 3 months and I was cured for awhile!

It is hard. If you feel your placement was the best thing for everyone then I think the saying "one day at a time" really is all you can do. Keep coming here and talking to everyone too.

Hang in there!

[susie_book]

I'm mostly just focused on knowing that I'll be able to start my own family in a couple of years. It doesn't bother me to see other people pregnant, but for the first couple of months after the adoption I wanted a baby so, so badly. I still want the kid back, but I honestly think he's better off where he is, and that's enough.

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

I think not knowing for sure whether or not he is better off is what gets me the most. The uncertainity of it all. Sure he probably is better off, and is doing really well, but how do I know for sure that it was the right choice.

[kakuehl]

Mandi, I can definitely resonate with that one. It was probably the constant thought through my life until I found him again 32 years later. It was the not knowing he was alive or dead. I still wish things could have been different, but I still believe I made the right decision.

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

I don't want to wait 18 years to find out from him how he's really doing. I want to know as time goes by. Yes it is an open adoption, but how long are they going to actually follow through with it, you know. I just hate this not knowing, and I hate being depressed. I'm so over it I just can't get over this hump.

[billysmommy]

"Yes it is an open adoption, but how long are they going to actually follow through with it, you know."

Just wanted to chime in as an aparent - I have followed through for almost 8 years so far, and there is no end in sight.

[aspenhall]

As an aparent, I also have followed through on my end for 4 1/2 years and it's my dd's bmom who keeps dissappearing then reappearing. In an open adoption, you should have all their contact and identifying info and that of some of their extended family too. You should know them well enough that it would be impossible to fully dissappear.

And most aparents I know agonize a really long time before ever considering stepping back from openness. They usually have major issues with their childs reaction to their bparents behavior.....and then spend a long time trying to resolve it every other possible way.

I would tell you, don't worry. But if your baby's aparents bring up any concerns with you. Listen and see if there's a "happy medium" solution to their concerns. You have the power to affect this open adoption as much as they do. They most likely agonize and analyze just as much as you are.

I wish I could say more to reassure you. I would say if it's affecting you this deeply, please let them know it's your biggest fear....and ask to agree upon a way to resolve any conflict in the future. If they know they can come to you with concerns and you won't be hurt or offended or angry if they do, it's most likely that any issues will always remain small and manageable and no drastic action will ever be needed.

[julz12-13]

i had a friend who had twins a year before me, so i would play with her kids. then i had a friend who had a baby a year after placement. i would just love on her baby. i even worked in Labor and Delivery 6 months after placement, as a secretary. i would share my giving up a child for adoption to girls who were doing the same. i would always let them know, i was there if they needed someone. i looked at it as a way God could use me and my situation.

the feeling of wanting another baby has NEVER gone away for me. i have 3 children of my own. and have met my bdaughter. and for some reason, i still want another baby. i have just come to accept that is a part of me that makes me, ME from my experiences. i'm 42 yo, i really cant be havng another baby. so i embrace it. i dont know if it will be that way for you. i'm just sharing my feelings. i do feel very blessed that my 1st child after placing my bd, was a girl. i felt God was blessing me and helping my hurt. then i had 2 boys.

the strong urge to get bd back, came and went the first 3 years. then when i had my dd, it wasnt as strong. its not been long for you. its very fresh....you have alot of healing to go thru. i remember my arms literally aching from being empty. (i spent 4 days with my bd before placing her...b/c my doctor was kind to keep me that long, and i had complications from delivery)

someone suggested to me to write down my feelings every time i thought of her. of course, i couldnt write all day long...but thru out the 20 yrs we were seperated, i did write letters to her. i was able to give those to her so she knew i really did miss her and never forgot her. plus it helped me when i was feeling sad.

also, i suggest you either get some therapy where you can talk thru this. or find a support group. they didnt have support groups back when i placed, like they do now. its nice to be surrounded by ppl who know exactly what you're going thru.

((((((hugs)))))