[Birthmom12_10_2008]

I wanna be dead. I wanna just go away. I wanna just go to bed and never wake up again. This hurts sooooooooo bad.

I had been doing so well. I even checked myself into the local psych. hospital. Changed my meds up, got rid of suicidal thoughts, and now they're back. Just know that I wouldn't act out on them, and at this moment I haven't thought about how I would do it, but I have before, and those little thoughts keep coming to the surface. I think it might be because next week the baby will be 2 months old...I can't think of why I'm so upset and sad right now. I've had some real great days lately. I want to be better. I want to the pain to end, but it seems like no matter what I do it doesn't go away or end.

Any suggestions would be great. Thanks.

[Mommy24]

Mandi~ First off Are you journaling? I found this to be a great way to help me through my pain. Do you have an open adoption? Could you check in and see how baby is doing? Maybe it would help to hear some positive things right now.

Take care of you right now, do something nice for yourself and feel free to PM me anytime if you need someone to chat with.

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

Thank you. I am journaling, to the baby, but I think I might buy another journal for me - there are some things I just can't journal to him. I have an open adoption, but I don't want to step on toes by contacting them. I'm suppose to get my first update next month. I think that might have something to do with how I feel because even though there is no reason for me to think they won't follow through I'm so worried they won't and I'll end up disappointed.

[kakuehl]

Are you in counseling? Also, if the suicidal thoughts are returning, you may need another med adjustment. Recognise that you will have good days, followed by bad days. (The bad days usually show up when things are going well and you thing you are "over the hump") I'm glad to read that you don't plan to act on the thoughts. Will you promise us to call someone: a friend, counselor, suicide hotline if you feel like you might act on the thoughts?

[crick]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much tonight! ((HUGS))

I did want to be sure you knew of this website/hotline that has call centers available. Talking to professionals can be lifesaving.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Will you promise us to call someone: a friend, counselor, suicide hotline if you feel like you might act on the thoughts?

YES! I promise.

Today so far is better, just a pain in my chest that just doesn't seem to wanna go away.

I appreciate alllll the comments and the concern. I am counseling and if the thoughts don't go away I will definitely tell my doctors. But I am almost certain the meds are working, but who knows. I just don't want to end up back in the hospital. I can't afford it and I can't afford to miss any more work. I've only worked 1 day since Mid-November and I'm suppose to go back Monday.

[kakuehl]

Thank you! I'm glad today is better. Do you think the fact that you are going back to work on Monday could be a factor in your feelings? Keep working with your counselors and stay on you meds... I think it will get better (or at least easier to live with it)

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

Going back to work might be making me feel like this. I am very nervous, especially since I have no idea what school I'll be at yet. And I really don't want to go back to work, but there is no sense in sitting around the house wallowing in my self-pity, besides, I need the money - I have -40 bucks to my name, on top of the THOUSANDS of dollars of medical bills and debt.

Thanks again for the encouragment.

[EZ2Luv]

I am glad that you have a safety plan in order in case you are feeling so desperate. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. However, I will say that like other things in life, suicide is a permanant solution to temporary pain. Many times people really don't want to die, they just only want to stop the pain or go to sleep and come back when the pain is gone.

Please take care of yourself. Alot of the meds do take some time before they begin to work where you can feel a difference. Also, continue to update us. We care about you and are here to support you.
I pray that you are able to heal and find peace.
Hugs,
EZ

[susieloo]

Oh my heart goes out to you. Everything you are feeling is very normal...not that that makes thing easier. Sometimes we just dont know where our emotions are going to take us.
I think a good idea is to start to make the yourself the best person you can possibly be. Work hard at school, become qualified and follow your passions, hobbies, interests etc.if more of a relationship with your child ever develops think about who they would want to find...a bmom that isn't functioning...or a birthmom who has been able to suceed through sheer determination.
It is such a hard road, i know. Sometimes helpin others can lighten the load...we need to feel worthwhile and having the most natural job in the world stripped from you can be soul destroying.( That of mom i mean)
Its been a 30 yr journey for me, I jusy wished there were forums like this when i was a new bmom.
Susie

[JustPeachy]

Going back to work may actually do you a lot of good. It will give you a structure to your day and help take your mind off everything, even for just a bit. Try to remember your hormones are also all over the place with readjusting right now. That can make anyone feel very depressed. I think writing the separate journal for you is a great idea. This way you can vent and say things in there that no one else will see. Also exercise can do wonders in improving the mood. Try to do good things for yourself, even if you feel like crawling under a rock and giving up. Be good to yourself. It sounds like despite these strong feelings you are very aware of what to do to help yourself and are taking action to do so. That is a very good thing. Try to stay strong for yourself and also your baby. He will be a part of your life and if you can be the best person you can be (and I know you can!), it will benefit him, too.

[lahdh4]

Keeping seperate journals is a good thing. I have 2 going. One that is for Supergirl and another that is for me and my everyday goings on.
I call my counselor if I need to. This is usually in the middle of the night and she is good about calling me back. Just something to a connection to help center myself.

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

Thank you everyone. I agree that work might do me some good. It helped working at my dads office last week. I kind of hope I can do that next week too. I totally could use the extra money.

And thanks for the advice about the two journals, I think as soon as I get some money I'll buy a new journal. Til then I'll keep journaling souly to the baby. That way I'm at least journaling.

Again, THANKS!

[Whirled_Peas]

Mandi,

I'm an adoptive mom. Your story makes me so sad.

There was a time in my life when I wanted the pain to stop. Compared to your hurt, mine was so trivial--it was over a man. Geesh, that's hardly something worth feeling so sad about.

It took me years of soul searching to find my way totally out of my hole. So many childhood hurts to come to understand. Yet I did it and you can too.

I come to this board to understand what our birthmom might be going through. I cannot do anything to help her other than let her know how wonderful our daughter is. She is truly a ray of sunshine. She wakes up in the morning with a smile on her face. We have already taken her to San Francisco, Denver, and the Caribbean. Probably your baby hasn't traveled that much, but I'm sure he's growing and learning so much. If his parents love him 1/10 of how much we love our little girl, he is a very loved baby. I know our birthmom loves our baby as much as you do yours and I am so grateful for that. As an adoptive parent I want to know my baby's birthmom is still in love with her. The fact that you are journaling for him is amazing. What a wonderful gift you are giving him.

I am glad you are doing better and that you will get help before you take irreversible actions to stop the pain. I know I never wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. Now I have so much in my life I can't even believe I ever felt that bad.

[AlisonMarie]

I was pretty much a disaster after placing my son for adoption. I was supposed to have only 6 weeks of home study, but I was so severely depressed, I took 3 months off from school. I mostly slept and ate and cried. I had suicidal thoughts too, but I never acted on them. I started counseling a year later, which helped sooo much! And just recently, I started group counseling. Not for adoptive parents, but just people who have bad family support. It has helped more than anything, and I made a lot of good friends. Journaling also helps a lot, I recently started a blog about my adoption experience.

My heart goes out to you right now. I remember those dark days all too well.