[twoplus1]

Our 15 year old foster daughter came to live with us in Oct 08 and last week gave birth to her daughter. She had planned from the beginning to place her for adoption and she is following through with that plan. She is staying with family this weekend and will come back to our home tomorrow. We were all with her in the hospital and I could see how much she loves her child. I know this is going to be difficult for her. Can anyone provide any insight on how we can best relate to her to meet her needs and help her get through these first difficult days?

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by twoplus1

Our 15 year old foster daughter came to live with us in Oct 08 and last week gave birth to her daughter. She had planned from the beginning to place her for adoption and she is following through with that plan. She is staying with family this weekend and will come back to our home tomorrow. We were all with her in the hospital and I could see how much she loves her child. I know this is going to be difficult for her. Can anyone provide any insight on how we can best relate to her to meet her needs and help her get through these first difficult days?

HELLO, I am a Firstmom, 22 yrs into the mistake, sadly there is no FIRST DIFFICULT days, the really dificult days are farther down the road...for most of us. Time MAY make her decision to relinquish, a LITTLE easier, but do not expect her to 'get passed it'. We never get passed it, we never forget, we never get over it..ever..for how can we...we have given away a part of us. I would only suggest, you allow her space..lots of space. Let her know "YOU have no idea of what she is going through...unless, (you have relinqished), then you may share your experience. Encourage her that no matter what time day or night(wake you if she must), you want her to know you will be there to listen, hold her if she wishes to cry, LOVE her, and tell her it is normal (if one can call it that), to feel as she does. make sure she has a therapist, to help guide her along this journey. She will be hormonal for several months to come, so expect her to act in many different ways. Did she sign papers yet? Is there a possability that she could have raised her baby, or was she fed the proverbial( 2 parents, loving couple, nice home, good income household,and baby will get all it needs, cliche? This is used to convince a young mother,"IT IS FOR THE BEST'. It is not for the best,hell we don't even take puppies and kittens away from their mother, for 6-8 weeks, so unless child would have been product of drugs, abuse, or mom was mentally ill. So, please do not re-enforce this idea to her, for this WILL NOT help her. I am so proud that you love this young Firstmom, enough to come here and ask...hopefully she will get better advice from the others. One last thing...do not refer to her as a "Birthmom", she is the childs Firstmom/Natural Mom. Is the adoption open, so that she will(in time see her child and know), or semi-open for updates, annual visits? If she has not signed, I would encourage her..highly...to check out these options...but, I would encourage any loving adult in her life to see if parenting were an option...if she truly wants to parent,she can...she just needs a little help! BLESSINGS to you, and be there..for she will need someone! C.J.

[twoplus1]

Thank you so much for your perspective. To be honest, I have been a foster parent for over a year and a half and I have never heard the term "FirstMom" although it makes perfect sense and truly describes the role. She came into our life after she had made the decision and we have not chosen to encourage nor discourage her choices - only to support her when she has made them. Our primary role is to provide a home for her and allow her to have homebound school services while she is pregnant and recovering. I don't have any idea what she is going through. The closest we can come to having any input are the facts that my husband was relinquished and subsequently adopted as an infant and I was born to a teenage mother and was raised by her. Her aunt is her guardian and is helping her and counseling her through the paperwork as well as another counselor/therapist that she has been seeing. Thanks again -

[Janeytwo]

Hey there!

IMO - I think you said it perfectly with this response:

we have not chosen to encourage nor discourage her choices - only to support her when she has made them.

Sounds like a very health approach to me.

Just listening to her, being there for her, allowing her to express her grief and telling her that even if you can't entirely understand, that you respect what she's going through and feeling.

I can tell you that that would've made a tremendous difference to me personally to have heard those words just once.

Kudos to you, Twoplus1, for being compassionate enough and caring enough to come in here looking for answers.

Wishing you and yours peace today!

[JustPeachy]

Is your FD having an open adoption, semi-open, or closed? My adoption was "semi-open," although it wasn't defined as such, it just sort of evolved into that. So in the beginning, all I really thought I'd be getting was a 6 week picture and a 6 month picture, and beyond that, it was uncertain, but getting the pictures truly did help me and having a few letters from my son's parents, etc. Then as time went on and I got more updates, it really was very helpful for me just to be able to see how he was doing.

I received counseling both before and after placing my son, which helped a lot. However, I will say, that first year was extremely difficult for me. It was like grieving a death in many ways. So many people did not understand. Even my own mom told me after 2 weeks home from the hospital when I was crying every night, "I thought you'd be over this by now." I don't need to tell you that is NOT the right thing to say to someone who just gave birth, left the hospital without her baby, and had TPR hanging over her head!

I think it is important to be supportive but at the same time recognize that your FD may hold a lot of her feelings in. It's a touchy thing and sometimes I would want to talk about it, and other times I wouldn't, and would get annoyed or angry if someone brought it up. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. It's like I wanted others to recognize my pain, but then if they tried to draw me out when it was not on my terms, it felt somehow intrusive to me. Maybe that was just me, though. I think, too, sometimes we DO need to be drawn out, as it is easy to say "I'm here if you need me" but a lot of people won't take you up on that, and then everyone else thinks the other person is just fine when they really are not.

Every birthmom is different. Some like to talk about their babies, some would rather not. Some get upset around birthdays, some celebrate them, etc. In time, you will see how your FD is, and can better gauge what kind of support she needs. One thing to keep in mind. Just because it was her decision and she felt it was best to place her child does not mean it won't be painful for her, perhaps just as painful as if it was NOT her choice. So any comments like "well, it was your choice to make an adoption plan" or "you made the decision to do this" won't go over well (not saying that you would say these things, but others may, and it will hurt to hear this).

[kakuehl]

I would also say, give her the opportunity to talk about how she's doing, but don't push it. Is she getting counseling? Even if she remains convinced this was the right choice for her she needs to know that it's normal (and good) to grieve. Thirty-six years later I remain convinced that the decision to place was the best one at the time for my firsborn. That doesn't mean there isn't still some pain. I love him now, as I did then. I still want the best for him.

[twoplus1]

Long story short, FD has decided she wants to keep baby. I don't know exactly how it is going to work, but I respect her decision. She is so young, can't drive and really has no one to keep the baby while she goes to school. Her auntie/ guardian already has 6 children in the home and she did not see this coming, bless her heart. We all thought that FD had her mind made up, she liked the family that she had chosen and it was to be a semi-open adoption. She was looking forward to going to high school and even college or art school. I don't think the agency will allow us to bring the baby into our home with her. I don't know that I could handle it if they did. This is a giant U-turn for all of us. The 5 day waiting period is up on Wednesday. FD has an appointment with her counselor tomorrow and she will make the final decision after that. We will see what happens... she may be moving out in 2 days!

[Janeytwo]

Dear Twoplus1,

Keep us posted okay? Can't speak for others of course, but I would love to know how things turn out for everyone - including you.

Hugs to ya!

[twoplus1]

FD packed up most of her things and left today. She has returned to live with her aunt and they will pick up the baby in the morning and sign necessary documents to reverse the relinquishment. I sent her with all of the diapers, clothes, formula, bottles & supplies that I could pack up. Hopefully we will see her again this weekend to deliver the rest of her stuff. I am just exhausted from the past 4 months and especially the events of the past week. We are going to keep our license current, but stay as close the bottom of the list for accepting placements as we can get for a while.

[kakuehl]

Hang in there, twoplus1. You have taken on a challenging job. I hope that your care of FD has made an impact on her life.