[Tigger27]

if you were talking with your mom about having more kids/starting a family and she said, "well, hopefully you will be able to have your own without problems and won't have to adopt" then she pauses and says "oh not that adopting is bad, it would be nice too but it would be really nice if you were able to still have your own".

How would you react to that? How would that make you feel to hear your mom say that to you when she knew about your having had and placed a child/children for adoption?

[JustPeachy]

Are we related? Because that sounds just like something MY mom would say!! Why couldn't she have just left it at "oh, that's wonderful news and I am happy for you!" instead of making such a comment?

I'm sorry she said this to you. She probably did not intend to hurt you, but it truly does come off as insensitive. At least to me it does. But then again, I hear doozies like this from my mom all the time (not necessarily adoption related), who cannot control herself when it comes to just blurting things out without thinking.

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

I'm really not sure how I would react to that. I'd probably look at her crazy...but it does sound like something my mother would say, or someone in my family would say. Good luck though!!

[LasVegasMom]

I would be upset, but as usual when it comes to my mom and my son's adoption, I would keep it to myself. My mom still says things I find are strange like now that my son is not talking to me, she told me that he is not REALLY my son, just a person that is related to me-HUH? We all have our own way of dealing with adoption and I guess we all feel that as women, our moms should understand more than apparently most of them do. I will never figure it out, I really don't speak to my mom alot about my son, it's just better off that way.

[-maggie]

I would be hurt. I'm sorry she said that to you. I think some make coments like that without thinking. I would hope to believe that it wasn't intentional.

My mother has NEVER talked about the adoption. The last time it was mentioned was when I told her I was on my way to the courthouse. I guess it's just easier for her to pretend like it never happened.

[loveajax]

i am sorry your mom said that.

in one sense, i sort of understand it from another angle....when I could not get pg and had a miscarriage, my mom said, "why don't you just adopt!" like it was as easy as going to babies r us and "ordering" a baby. but i realized that my mom (who had her own history of miscarriage and lost a child to leukemia) just really wanted me to be a mom.

i think if the "undertone" is that well, since you placed kids for adoption, you "may" never be so "deserving" to get pg and give birth again, you should be annoyed. but also as i get older, i realize that what my "older' parents say may just reflect their generation's way of thinking. if your mom is otherwise kind and supportive, i think you should just tell her how you feel.

and, i guess as an a parent (who also is married to an adoptee), i would "educate" her on the fact that if you ever did adopt those kids would also be "your own."

good luck!!

[Mil]

I'm sure I would be upset and angry if my mom said that to me. Because that makes it sound like adopting a child isn't 'quite as good' as giving birth to that child. That would be hurtful to someone wanting to adopt, but it is a double whammy to someone who's placed their child. Makes it sound like your child's adoption was 'second choice' and not quite as good as 'having your own'. Yes, that sounds like something my mom would blurt out.

I have three grandsons. Two are bio and one is a step. I don't categorize them that way, but for this explanation it's pertinent. My husband and I have tried very hard to include my oldest grandson as part of the family and that he's our grandchild too. He calls us grandma and grandpa, even though his mom is now divorced from my son. But my mom takes opportunity after opportunity to point out that he's 'not really' my grandson. AM I STUPID?? Of course I know he's not biologically my grandson and I KNOW he's not even part of my son's family anymore. But he's my grandson in my heart and I love him. He's had a very rough life and we're someone he can depend on. It really ticks me off when she feels the need to continually point this out. The last time I told her that I was tired of her pointing this out. But she didn't seem phased. Why do moms feel the need to do things like this???

[quantum]

awwww (((Anne)))
How I would react? I'd be really hurt and upset and not say anything and then after a while I wouldn't be able to take it anymore and I'd call her up and yell at her! Then she would say 'ooo I never thought about that' and I'd feel bad.
I'm not saying it's right it's just how I'd react! Most likely.

Sometimes even the people closest to us spew out things without really thinking. Heck the social worker said as we left the courthouse 'lots of birthmothers come back to see us to adopt later in life'. Oh how that made me feel ill. Like 'so I've just given up my only chance to raise the only child I'll ever give birth to?' What the heck was that?

It's up to the relationship you have with your mom. Maybe say 'you know mom, when you said that, it really made me sad! You KNOW about my girls!'

Good luck sweetheart.

[belleinblue1978]

My mom... ok, you all know I love my mom more than anything, but sometimes she does things like that too. She'll say something about how adoptive parents feel and go on and on and I just wanna punch her.

I walk away and think about how to nicely say things and then I say it, prefacing with I'm not mad, but after thinking about this for awhile I wanted you to know.....

It works with her. My parents don't always make the jump from being both adoptive parents and first grandparents and it makes things hard sometimes.

[kakuehl]

Hmm... Comments like that hurt. I wonder though, one of my mother's concerns when I placed D was that there was no guarantee that I could ever get pregnant again. Perhaps your mom is just concerned that you won't get pregnant as easily this time when you want to.

[quantum]

Oh, just so you really don't feel you're alone in comments from a mom...
I have a friend who has had MAJOR fertility problems and also had some form of arthritis and finally decided to take a medication that helps her illness but she absolutely cannot get pregnant while on it...
She just bought a house, her mom walked in and said 'oh new house new baby'
ouch!

Sometimes I think moms live on a different plane than we do! :-)

[Tigger27]

Well, yeah, I have or could write a book full of the stupid things my mom has said because like some of you have mentioned, she is one who just blurts things out and doesn't really think before she speaks.

My mom and I don't have that close of a relationship because we can't because she is the way she is - think codependency type stuff and that's her and what my relationship with my mom use to be until I figured things out with counseling and all.

My mom just flips out about a lot and says stupid/nasty/hurtful things a lot to me and all of my siblings and my nieces and nephews too. My sister and I have fun laughing and talking about the newest stupid nasty thing she did or said because that's part of how we both deal with it and with her.

Anyway, I pretty much just left that comment from my mom alone, but it was rather annoying, but whenever I try to tell/explain to her how I don't like when she says something etc. she just either isn't phased or she throws a fit and plays the victim = whines and says she's sorry for living and sorry she even said anything and she can't do anything right and then goes off to pout and gives the silent treatment for a while. Then she comes back and talks like everything's okay and nothing happened so I've tried talking to her about things, but a lot of times I just ignore it and leave it because it doesn't do much good when I try to talk to her about it anyway.

And well, as far as I'm concerned, my mom is on another planet lol. My mom also said after the comment I mentioned that she thinks maybe after we/I have more kids that we're raising that my girls parents will feel more secure and be even more open with me cause they won't be as worried about me taking/thinking about taking my girls back from them.

Both hubby and I looked at each other and went huh cause unless I/we missed something - I have never thought about taking my girls back and they are 5 1/2 and 4 yrs old now so even if for some reason I really wanted to try to get them back - I couldn't hello lol. Oh and both my girls parents and I have really good relationships and I can tell you that neither of them have really ever worried about me taking my girls back/ away from them - it's just so not even close to how they (my girls parents) or I think/feel lol. So, yeah my mom really is out there sometimes, I tell ya.