[Momokat]

So I am in a birthmother's support group that meets once a month....(and if anyone is in the DFW area and wants to join, we are looking for more to come! It's the second Tues of every month...7-8:30PM..PM me for more info)...
Anyway....most (if not all!) of the women I meet that are birthmothers from closed adoptions in the 70s or 80s are divorced...after they have reunited with their child or even before.
Do you all think there is a higher percentage of divorces among us birth moms? Any idea why? What about birth fathers?
I know my own marriage is just, well, lets just say very empty.
Thanks for the feedback....

[quantum]

I am on my third marriage! So I had been divorced two times before I found my son.
Fortunately, this relationship is better than ever, but I have to say if I'd started the reunion with either of my previous husbands, especially the second one, it would have destroyed anything we'd had left.

I have wondered as well if being a birthmother, especially from the closed era (relinquished in 85) has affected those relationships. It wouldn't surprise me!

[kakuehl]

I can only speak for myself... I know that my decision to marry as soon as I did (9 months after D's birth) was a direct consequence of his birth. I married a good friend and DH and I have been married for 35 years, but I did not marry my "other half" and I wonder if we would have married at all if I hadn't felt a need to get married as soon as possible.

At the same time, remember that close to half of all marriages end in divorce!

[stinky_kitty]

I don't know? I got married at 18 and it's been almost 12 years now and going strong. My DH has been one of my biggest supporters throughout the whole ordeal including reunion.

[LasVegasMom]

I almost divorced my husband 3 months into my reunion but thank god i did not. Actually my son convinced me not to, and i am very happy i listened to him. I believe that reunion just turns your world upside down, esp if you relinquished during closed era, as I did. You know nothing about your child, then boom, all of a sudden the child is back in your life, it really throws you for a loop. I have been with my husband for 21 years and he knew about my son, but of course we never spoke of him. I mean I had a lawyer, had papers drawn up and everything and I am really glad that I rethought the whole thing. Now that my reunion has fallen apart, my husband is the only person besides my therapist (and here!) where I can be honest, and he has been very supportive and loves my son like his own. However reunion can make you reevaluate your life and all the decisions you have made since relinquishment.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Momokat!!

I agree with Kathy's reminder that half of all marraiges end in divorce. It would, for me only, be an oversimplication to say that adoption is behind so many divorces.

I would also say that, for me, it was the opposite. Adoption had nothing at all to do with my divorce. That was destroyed by the disease of alcoholism, which pretty much descimates everything that crosses its powerful path.

In that regard, being a birthmother actually kept me married longer than common sense would've dictated. LOL! See...I had to be perfect at being a mom and a wife because I had to atone for the sin of relinquishing my daughter and son. I had to have an immaculately kept home and immaculately kept secrets and lies. I couldn't admit too myself that I'd married a person suffering from alcoholism!! God no!! That would mean that I'd made yet another bad choice in my life!! And I couldn't have that, now could I?

Nope! Respectability was the order of the day; as was watching ex bury bottles in our front yard because "they" were coming to take his booze. And me sitting back in fury thinking of ex - "You stupid jerk!! I'm trying to convince people I'm decent folk like them; not white trash that committed the worst crime possible - signing adoption papers!! People will find out!! Then they'll know the truth and it's all your fault alkie!!"

Sigh....I was as lost from myself in those days as one soul can get. Thank God that God knew that. Don't know what I would've done without His compassion then.

My heart goes out to my ex-husband in what he suffered then as well. Alcoholism - such a terrible illness.

A therapist once told me something interesting. Studies were done on divorce and it was learned that the people we pick in our 20's to marry are not necessarily the ones we'd pick if we married in our 30's and 40's.

Don't know if that's true or not. But it's an interesting find.

Much peace to you today!

Stinky_Kitty

My DH has been one of my biggest supporters throughout the whole ordeal including reunion.

I am so glad you have the suppport you need. You've sure earned it, my friend.

[cksmom]

I wonder if that has anything to do with ALL THE SECRETS? Many bmoms were told to never tell their future husbands and many never did. My bmom has been married for almost 37 years and as of 6 months ago, he did not know about me. I think that is part of the reason she stopped communicating with me. How in the heck do you tell a man about a baby you had 39 years ago and not be afraid that it will ruin everything? How would that not be devastating to him to be lied to for the entire marriage? How would that not cause trust issues? How would that not shatter a marriage built on lies? What is even worse for my bmom is that my siblings, her husband's kids have known about me for years.

When we first started emailing, she told me he didn't know but said he is so wonderful that he will go along with anything she wants. Well, I have to think that she started thinking harder about that and freaked out.

[-maggie]

OP, We have just celebrated our 19th anniversary. I've never been divorced and the adoption was never a secret.

However, I will say that the only time my marriage came close to ending was after dd found us. Please understand it wasn't dd fault at all. It was all me. I hadn't dealt with soooo many issues that they hit me all at once. It was extremely difficult for me..... but, we made it through. Our marrige is stronger than ever now!

[Janeytwo]

Cksmom

I wonder if that has anything to do with ALL THE SECRETS? Many bmoms were told to never tell their future husbands and many never did.....How in the heck do you tell a man about a baby you had 39 years ago and not be afraid that it will ruin everything?

That's a very good question. I guess it would depend on the man but then I can't imagine living with the loss of my children and not telling either one of my husband's. That seems like a great deal of strain for anyone to put on themself.

Most importantly it would be (my opinion only) dishonoring my son and daughter and my raised daughters. My actions in my teen years may be something I regret, but I can't and won't say I regret my 4 children. I don't.

This thing you posted about being told not to tell? Sigh....that sounds like "family rules" crapolio. I would hope no therapist or social worker would advise something that dishonest, but then after some of the stuff I've heard in here - guess I shouldn't be surprised.

The lies I spoke of were the ones I told myself about my ex-husband's drinking and how nobody knew. Meanwhile he's chasing cars down the street. LOL! But the threat of exposure to the general public over the surrender of my children was a constant and frightening one.

I kept that from the general public. IMO, either a person learns to do that very quickly or they pay the price. The public cannot be trusted with such painful history. They immediately either try to canonize me (which I don't hate them for - it's just very uncomfortable spiritually), or they are spiteful and downright mean. And trust me when I say, I've been told things that litterally shocked me so badly, I thought the skin would burn off my body. No other way to describe it.

Both of my husbands have always treated the surrender of my children with the respect it is due. And to his credit, even in his most blindingly drunken state, my ex never used that as ammo. (And anyone who's lived with an active alcoholic knows how rotten they can behave under the influence of booze.)

Women of course are the very lastpeople I would tell. With the exception of one woman who said to me, "Those were crazy times, Janey. I could've ended up pregnant and so could most other women - they just don't have the nads to admit it." With the exception of her, women have been singularly viscious to me. I don't put my head on that chopping block.

My family is also an issue. Laughing here, many times over the years when new people have entered our family's tightly-knit sphere mom has looked at me -eyes like saucers she's so afraid - and said, "Janey, you don't have to tell anyone about your kids. It's not something they need to know!"

I always smile quietly and say, "I hadn't planned on it mom."

Her response (much relieved), "Good. That's settled then."

she told me he didn't know but said he is so wonderful that he will go along with anything she wants. Well, I have to think that she started thinking harder about that and freaked out.

I suspect (though of course I can't actually know) that what's really freaking her isn't the history of herself that she's painted in everyone elses eyes, it's the history she's painted in her own.

Now she has to face herself. And she has to face herself in you; her daughter.

Maggie

However, I will say that the only time my marriage came close to ending was after dd found us......I hadn't dealt with soooo many issues that they hit me all at once.

And there's the ugliness of the Closed Era. The message from our parents especially and society as a whole. The "just forget and go on" BS. Someone on another thread spoke of how they were told by a family member (translating roughly here), "Why can't you let this go? I thought you'd dealt with it years ago."

Uh huh. Yeah. Right. And how did a person deal with the pain of a loss they weren't allowed to express within the confines of their family?

Someone else had replied to that thread that it would be like asking someone to live without their heart. At the time I thought that wasn't the exact analogy I would've used. I think I would've said to my sibling if they said that to me, "How about your husband disappears and you never see him again and you never know if he lived or died and we all just pretend he never existed in the first place? And then we tell you that since you made the mistake of getting married in the first place, that you made your own bed and now you can lie in it. How about we all do that? Hey! I'm hungry, let's have lunch!"

I think that covers the callouness of my family to a tee.

I'd be willing to bet it covers yours as well Maggie. Just even dealing with that garbage puts a hole in person's self-worth that takes decades to return from.

And the pain of the surrender of your daughter to begin with.

That's a lot to ask of oneself to be "totally fine" with that. I've seen two rare posts in here where someone has come in just for one or two posts to announce to the rest of us losers how they are "completely at peace" with their decision and that even though they respect us, they don't get what our problem is.

I had shared with a friend in here that that's on par with women who come into AlAnon only to tell everyone at the table that they don't have a problem with their husband's drinking, that they can handle it.

I saw an old-timer confront someone with that attitude once. She said, "Oh really? Then why are you here?"

I for one am just glad that I'm here and that you're here too!


Hugs to all!

[quantum]

I'm reading your post here Janey and just nodding and nodding. (that and many other posts you've made).

I'm so grateful to have found this site. I lived so many years thinking I was alone.

[Janeytwo]

((( Quantum )))

And now we don't have to be!! Yeah!!!! :-)

Love ya much!!!

[kakuehl]

Janey,
I'm not always sure that it's callousness that makes families say "get over it." In part, I suspect it's denial and self-preservation - "I don't want to have to deal with it, myself let's pretend it never happened." Recognize that it's the same way some people act after a death or divorce: "I can't see why she/he isn't over it... they need to move on, etc."

[Janeytwo]

Kakuehl Hey Kathy!!

I know what you mean about death and how people don't want to talk about it or deal with it.

Sigh....guess it's just that this isn't a death and I hate that family treat it like it is. Or like some dirty secret.

Ah well, you're right. Oftentimes people just don't know how to deal.

Hope your services went well today!

[kakuehl]

Services went well. It's snowing here so there weren't many here.

[LasVegasMom]

I never ever dealt with my preganancy and relinquishing my son until he found me. He was the "deep dark family secret" that apparently my entire family knew about but nobody ever spoke of. I learned early on that I was not to speak of my pregnancy or ever having a baby. In 28 years, my mother spoke of my first son one time, and that was when I was pregnant with my 2nd child (who of course we all acted like she was my first) and my mom asked me if that preganancy was different than my first. I thought it was such a strange question, and in my head I was like, 'well, lets see, i'm not in high school, i'm not trying to hide this pregnancy, i'm married, i planned this, i'm having a baby shower, and oh, yeah, I'm keeping her and I can talk about her and not act like she never existed, so uh, yeah, it's like TOTALLY DIFFERENT", but instead I just said, 'yes, mom, this is completely different' and that was it, the one and only conversation we ever had about my son from the day I had him until 8 years later when I was preganant with my daughter, and we never ever spoke of him again. I will say the one thing I did right was talk to my husband about my son before we got married. And because I had been programmed by the "forget about him, forget about having a son" closed-era, I really felt damaged and felt like once I told my husband, because of course I was a horrible person, that he would leave me but of course he didn't, he actually understood but of course my programming was such that we rarely spoke of my son. Of course the occasional movie would come up and I would freak because it was about adoption, and my husband would always either turn the channel or do something to get my mind off of it. I just think that never speaking of my son kept me in a jail of sorts. Now that he found me, I am free from that jail. I don't know what I would do if I was still locked in that cell of denial. I have a good foundation, and my husband accepted my son as his own, and even though I went a bit crazy at first and thought I didn't want my husband around anymore, now I realize HE is the one person who really knows the true me, and let me be myself, the mom to 3 beautiful children.
And yes, still many women do not understand my teenage choices so it is not something I speak of in mixed company. It is kind of funny, though, to see people's reactions when I do tell them that yes, I have 3 children, but I only raised 2 of them, and that my oldest was adopted. As I have stated before, thank god for this forum, thank god for good therapists, and thank god for understanding husbands. I hope all of you find good partners that can help you, hold you when you cry, and understand when you act a bit 'crazy' because life is not always easy.