[lindadohm]

I haven't been back on to this web page since right after finding me son. Just thought I give an update.

After being contacted by my son on 1/6/09, he arranged to fly out to California from Georgia to meet my daughter and I. It went better than I could ever hope for. I cried a lot of course, but I couldn't help it. My daughter and my son became fast friends. They actually talk more often than him and I. At first that bothered me, but than I realized that he never had a sibling but did have parents.

His adoptive mom wrote me a wonderful letter and refers to Rob as "our son". She can't wait to me us. This is actually going to happen on July 1st. Rob sent airline tickets to both my daughter and I to go to Georgia to meet his wife, children and the rest of the family.

I have talked to my grandchildren and daughter-in-law. Sent my first Easter cards to my grandchildren. Sent my first birthday gift to my granddaughter. Received my first call on Mother's Day from Rod. It's like a whole other life opening up.

As I previously stated in my first posts, I never dreamed that this would happen for me - I'm just not that lucky or blessed - so I thought. I have found a peace within my soul and the void has been filled. Maybe I'll never really have the relationship that I want with him, we live so far apart. But for now, this is enough. Only time will tell.

Best of luck to all of you. I hope you find your own peace. Keep your chins and and believe it can happen to you.

Linda

[quantum]

Hi Linda!
Thanks for the update! I totally relate to the distance thing.
I'm so happy for you!!!

Please keep us updated and feel free to come here and share both ups and downs as you go through this next phase of your life.

[kathy79]

I'm a bmom in a good reunion for all most 2 years. I probably spend way too much time reading all the posts but I rarely post because I don't feel that I have much advice to give.

I wish I had know about this site before reunion. It would of helped knowing there were others like me out there.

[dpen6]

I am so happy for you andthe rest of your family. It is very heartwarming to hear how everyone can pull together to make things work...awesome!

[lalgee]

Hiya. Birthmom here. Usually lurking, but today I thought I'd post.
There may be more bmoms here than you know, but like me, just can't bring themselves to say anything. We're here, though, and learning how to deal with it all.
Myself, I'm still reeling after almost 26 years. I'm still a scared little 14 year old. I'm still devastated that he denied contact (or did he?). I used to be (pretty recently) very angry at myself and others pertaining to my son's adoption.
I want him in my life. I love him so much. I always have.
To express those things above is extremely difficult, especially wanting him in my life. Are others out there saying "too bad, you signed that right away. He nor his parents OWE you anything. You are not entitled to have him in your life."
I know that. That's what adoption is all about - the law. The LAW says he's not my son anymore. The LAW says he's "protected" from me. The LAW says only they have rights to know him. The LAW says I'm not his parent.
But my heart says, I AM his mother. And my heart says I need him in my life. And I wonder why I am hated and despised by his family, after I lost a piece of my very heart and soul as they gained their heart's desire.
Someone wrote in my journal one day as I asked why why why? - they answered "you made the wine and only you have to drink it". That is exactly the kind of response that keeps me from posting here. How cold and uncaring it seemed when I read it. Yes, I know that it is true. Yes, I know all of this is my fault. Yes, I know I messed up. Yes, I know. I don't need a reminder - I am painfully aware of it every nano-second. I made my bed, and now I have to sleep in it, right?
I'm here, though I may not post for fear of those responses. I have a feeling there are many many more like me, in the shadows, just "getting on with our lives" like we were told.

[RavenSong]

Lalgee - I cannot thank you enough for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us. You're really brave for being so honest and forthcoming. You've said some things tonight that I haven't dared breathe out of fear of being knocked down and villified.

I'm so sorry that a member of these forums left such a harsh statement for you on your journal. Some people just don't get it at all -- they're so stuck on themselves that they have no clue what they're talking about.

No, you do NOT have to be punished for the rest of your life for having committed the crime of bringing a child into this world outside of marriage and doing what society demanded of us back then. For pete's sake, you were 14 years old...a baby yourself. You were a kid making adult decisions, and now you're being blamed for those decisions. Enough is enough -- 26 years have passed...that's long enough to do penance, IMO.

You have just as much right as anybody else on this planet to have your own needs, feelings, and desires addressed. You have the right to be happy, and you have the right to be heard. Above all, you have the right to heal.

It's been 37 years now for me, living under the judgments of people who didn't even know me as the young girl I was when I relinquished my son. You ask if we'll always have to pay the price for being young and foolish...I suspect we will, for there will always be people eager to condemn us for their problems. We're an easy group to scapegoat, to blame, to judge. That's why it's so darn important that we be able to share with each other, and to help each other heal from the madness and pain.

If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to send me a PM. That goes for any other birth/first mom out there who's lurking and too afraid to post. I promise I won't bite, lol.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Lalgee!

((( Lalgee )))

Great post.

I am so sorry people have hurt you with their words. Sigh...that stuff cuts deep.

You know, in the year I've been here I've seen a lot of lowdown nasty things said to people on all sides by people who need to SERIOUSLY get an existence. Looking for an opening to cut people down, put them down and keep them down?

They got a name for that kind which I ain't going to waste my time with here. Suffice it to say, this is the type that gossips about a dead man in the funeral parlor's bathroom while the poor s.o.b.'s laying in his casket.

Don't look for approval from those folks. They don't respect themselves; they dang sure ain't gonna respect anyone else.


(((( Lalgee )))) Tell your story with your head held up. Tell it for you and those like you. Because the silence is the enemy. Not some clown that couldn't find their way out of a paper bag because their limited IQ's in the way.

Walk with pride among us homosapiens, Lalgee. We ain't no Elvis.

And remember my friend, there's always going to be some fool out there thinking they're above everyone else.......and that's their first mistake.

Are others out there saying "too bad, you signed that right away. He nor his parents OWE you anything. You are not entitled to have him in your life

((( Lalgee ))) Lots of hugs your way.


Undoubtedly there are going to be people out there saying that. Shrug. Let 'em talk. I mean, everybody's got 'em. But when they talk, just keeping walking forward, one foot in the front of the other down the path. Let 'em throw those Molotov Cocktail statements from the sidelines. Don't waiver, don't look over at them, don't waste your time trying to convince them otherwise.

It don't matter one whit what they say. You know the truth of your heart and your life and that's all that matters.

Your son will always be your son. If other people don't like that? Oh well...that's a hole in the ground. My name's Paul it's 'tween ya'll. KWIM?

IMO. I'll keep talking till they're walking my jar to the mausoleum and even then I'll have my attorney post for me posthumously. I will NOT stand by and be silenced because I'm an inconvenience to uptight souls. Nuh uh.

Nope, nope, nope.

And not because then they win. Heck, they can win all they want. That's their business

But if I live in fear of testifying to my own life? THEN I lose and I've lost enough already.

Much peace your way today!

[kakuehl]

Lalgee, thanks for taking your courage in both hands and posting here. While it is true that ALL of us live with the consequences of our actions, it doesn't not mean that we can't hold our heads high as people of worth. I wonder how many couples are infertile as a result of early sex. (STD's can be silent destroyers of fertility. Scar tissue after an abortion can make one infertile, etc..etc.) Sometimes the only difference between the amother and the bmother is that the birth mother "got caught."

I speak as a pastor and Christian (just so you know where I'm coming from), I believe that all of us sin and bear the consequesnces of our actions. I also believe that we are loved unconditionally by God who does not consider one sin worse than another. I know that God forgives me and loves me, regardless of what people say or think about me. Even though I am forgiven, I still have to live with what I have done. I live with the effects of adoption forever. I have found it's hardest to forgive myself.

I found my birthson when he was 32; he responded on his 33rd birthday. We have been in reunion 3 1/2 years at this point. He has told me that if I had found him when he was 18 or even 25, our reunion would not have gone as well as it has. I guess what I'm saying is don't give up hope. And don't let anyone else define you.

By the way, not all, but most adoptees who post here seem to feel a need to at least know something of their heritage and the woman who gave birth to them. (So much for what the LAW declares.)

[JustPeachy]

The LAW says he's not my son anymore. The LAW says he's "protected" from me. The LAW says only they have rights to know him. The LAW says I'm not his parent. But my heart says, I AM his mother. And my heart says I need him in my life. And I wonder why I am hated and despised by his family, after I lost a piece of my very heart and soul as they gained their heart's desire.

Thank you for writing this. So true, so true. I have never understood why a natural mother should be punished for making the heart wrenching decision to place her child (or in many cases, not making the decision at all, but having it forced on them). That's the part about adoption that really grates on me--the punitive nature toward the birthmother, in particular, which not only affects her, but her child as well.

I firmly believe if we are seen as bad, or shameful, and what we did should be never spoken of, then that only serves to perpetuate the notion that adoption itself is something to be ashamed of. What does that do to the child who was adopted? How does that make him or her feel? I can only imagine.

I am comfortable posting here, but still struggle with "coming out" to others in real life. For many of the reason you stated. My family knows (but rarely talks about it), my husband, and my good friends know, but outside of them, I don't talk about it, even though it bugs me that if people ask if I have kids, I want to say "yes" but automatically say "no" because I just don't want to go into the whole story with a casual acquaintance or stranger and risk have them saying "OMG!! I could NEVER do THAT!!!!!" or whatever other stupid comments they are going to make.

[-maggie]

Originally Posted by lalgee

I'm here, though I may not post for fear of those responses. I have a feeling there are many many more like me, in the shadows, just "getting on with our lives" like we were told.

Lalgee, reading the experiences of others is healing in itself. Knowing that I wasn’t the only one brought great comfort. However, sharing with others has been the most helpful to me. Being able to open up and let it out has been amazing! I had no idea that sharing would be so healing and I wish other bmoms out there could understand that. It is very hard to reach out. Just know that there are some great women here that completely understand. I know it feels safer in the shadows. The comments we hear really sting. But, their views are not what matters. YOU deserve to be happy!!!

[lalgee]

As I sit here and read through these responses - I can't even describe the wave of utter relief and comfort that you all have provided me! You have all just opened your hearts and arms so warmly to me, and I wanted to express to you how much I needed to hear all of that and how deeply I appreciate these words.
Forgiving myself - yep, that's the hardest.
Being a Christian also, I *know* certain things for absolute sure, and then there are other things that the LORD is beginning to open my heart and mind to. Things I know for sure - He will work it out when the time is right. What I mean by work it out is that I will get to see my son again and have him in my life. Things I have only recently begun to fully comprehend (as simple and basic as this sounds) is that this wasn't "MY" mistake, nor "MY" choice - God designed this child from "before the foundations of the earth - He knew him". This child didn't take God by surprise, nor was he a mistake made by my wrongdoings, which I then had to figure out what to do with. This child was specifically designed to be right where he is right now, and I was specifically designed and created to be the blessed woman who had the privilege of carrying him to term and being his mother - though not his parent. I am beginning to comprehend that my being without my child is not punishment for wrongdoing or evil or sin, because Jesus's compassion never ends, never fails - it is new every morning. He is merciful above all, and though pain pierces my heart right now - God will work it to completion for His own ultimate glory, and eventually for my blessing and joy.
It is that joy that presently eludes me, though He is awakening me to it more each day through the beautiful souls like you all who have replied above.
Thank you for your precious words.

[pswelsh40]

I am a parent of an adopted 17 year old now and I cannot stand her foster parents. They railroaded me and led me to believe that I was getting my daughter back once I served my five year sentence. She talk to me like she hates me. How do I deal with that?


*edited to remove inappropriate statement*

[texasmom1952]

I am a birth mom. I notice that a lot of birth moms on here are quite young. I gave up my daughter for adoption when I was 15, which was 41 years ago. I found her in 2001. My question is, to all those birthmoms out there, is how do you know if what you are doing is right. In mothering I mean. My daughter's adopted mom passed before I found her. So, I have nothing to compare myself to as far as mothering. I have another child, but I worry that I am not a good mother to him either. Or good enough I should say.
Feeling very insecure. My daughter is very laid back, very non confrontational so I am not sure if I am giving too much or not enough.......
I need some guidelines....

[quantum]

(((texasmom)))
Welcome to the forums! You've brought up feelings that a lot of us feel I think!

I woudln't worry too much about mothering your daughter. I would just follow her lead. Personally I feel like trying to be a 'mother' to my grown son (whom I relinquished) just leads to heart ache. I miss those years when I wasn't his mother, know what I mean? So I just try to be there for him. As a grown up friend or other kind of relative.

Don't know if I'm making any sense! Is there anything in particular that's getting to you right now?

[lalgee]

quantum, what good advice.
Taking it day by day, relaxing, getting to know your child, just listening...all very good ways to both be a good mother and a friend. Following her lead and not worrying too much about "am I doing this too much or that not enough" will add to the quality of the relationship.
I don't speak from experience of reunion unfortunately, but I am a mom and have found that it is not as hard as everyone made you think it was so I would relinquish back then.
I wish you the very best texasmom! You will do fine - just relax and enjoy!