[SuddenlySusan]

Linda, I'm so happy for you...and 36 is a wonderful age to meet your son. I met my son two years ago, when he was 36, along with his wife and three children. It's been great...

So very happy for you!

Hugs,
Susan

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by CalamityJane

I've noticed that there are quite a lot of active adoptive parents, mostly adoptive mothers who are active on the forums on this site. What I haven't seen is an equal number of birth parents.

Is there a reason for this? Are birth parents less supported here?

Just something I happened to notice since joining a few weeks ago.

Depends on age, reunion or lack of it.. or need for someone to talk too.

I used to be a lot more active on all the adoption sites I was part of. Now I just stop in 3 or 4 times a month and see what is going on.

I am reunited with my son, that happened in 1997.

Hugs

[heart_string]

I've been lurking here and finally joined not too long ago.

I am pregnant now due Feb 4 and have chosen my baby's family just recently. Reading some of these forums has been a scary event for me. Some of the comments that I read in threads in other parts of the forum are definitely hurtful & it just seems that people are more concerned with supporting what the adoptive parents may be 'feeling' without really giving a thought that birth or expectant moms may be reading those words same.

I will tell you that I've even gone so far after reading some posts, that I compare whatever they have in their profile to that of the parenting profiles that I had. There's no way that I would want to deal with some posters in an adoptive situation.

I feel that birth parents have to do a lot of 'defending' in certain areas of the forum:

They have to defend the reason they chose adoption over parenting

They have to defend their emotions over their choice

If they've needed assistance during the pregnancy, they have to defend why they need assistance

(ad nauseum)

I've learned a lot from reading this board too - but there are so many times that I want to interject and say "You know, I wonder how many pregnant women who are choosing adoption wish they knew who you were so they could RUN in the other direction if they come across your profile".

I try to believe that most prospective adoptive parents have more respect for the natural mother of adopted children than a lot of what I've read here - it's the one belief that secures what I inherently feel is the best choice for ME & my child.

All those things said, this board has been extremely beneficial to me in making my adoption plan. It's enlightened me to issues that may come up between natural mothers and adoptive parents (naming, breast feeding, how 'open' the adoption will be). I feel that I am more able to make informed decisions after reading many of the threads.

Even with having to deal with irritation over some crazy comments someone has made, this board is an invaluable resource & overall a community where I hope I can learn, share, and support others who are going through similar situations.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by heart_string

I've been lurking here and finally joined not too long ago.

I am pregnant now due Feb 4 and have chosen my baby's family just recently. Reading some of these forums has been a scary event for me. Some of the comments that I read in threads in other parts of the forum are definitely hurtful & it just seems that people are more concerned with supporting what the adoptive parents may be 'feeling' without really giving a thought that birth or expectant moms may be reading those words same.

I will tell you that I've even gone so far after reading some posts, that I compare whatever they have in their profile to that of the parenting profiles that I had. There's no way that I would want to deal with some posters in an adoptive situation.

I feel that birth parents have to do a lot of 'defending' in certain areas of the forum:

They have to defend the reason they chose adoption over parenting

They have to defend their emotions over their choice

If they've needed assistance during the pregnancy, they have to defend why they need assistance

(ad nauseum)

I've learned a lot from reading this board too - but there are so many times that I want to interject and say "You know, I wonder how many pregnant women who are choosing adoption wish they knew who you were so they could RUN in the other direction if they come across your profile".

I try to believe that most prospective adoptive parents have more respect for the natural mother of adopted children than a lot of what I've read here - it's the one belief that secures what I inherently feel is the best choice for ME & my child.

All those things said, this board has been extremely beneficial to me in making my adoption plan. It's enlightened me to issues that may come up between natural mothers and adoptive parents (naming, breast feeding, how 'open' the adoption will be). I feel that I am more able to make informed decisions after reading many of the threads.

Even with having to deal with irritation over some crazy comments someone has made, this board is an invaluable resource & overall a community where I hope I can learn, share, and support others who are going through similar situations.

Good luck, be sure to have someone to talk to.
Be sure that you are comfortable with the adopting parents and they are comfortable with you.

Remember that though open adoption is legal in many states it is unenforceable. You can't make someone have an open adobtion after the adoption is final unless they are willing.

That said, there are many wonderful people with open adoptions with more then one birth mother and they make it work. Just as there are new adoptive parent who cannot do it after they live with it.

Keep all lines of communitcations open, make sure you and they have more then one way of contact.

Get help early if things seem to be going wrong, or even it they are going right or if you feel overwhelmed.

I wish you the best, I can't say I am not sorry you can't keep your child, I wish you could, but I do understand.

[BethVA62]

"this board has been extremely beneficial to me in making my adoption plan."

IMO, that is the reason the majority of the birthparents I know from online and in person do not come to adoption.com for support.

and because they do not use the "birth" terms to diminish themselves as anything other than their child's mother and they are pro-natural family preservation.

There are many that have started web groups just for natural parents, sometimes adoptees are included, where they are safe from the many mean and completely intentional comments made often by many adopters.

Because they have become somewhat if not completely anti-adoption because of their experience of adoption, because of what they found out at the time they were lucky enough to have a reunion, or when they found out that open adoptions could be closed and there isn't a **** thing they could do about it.

or they find out that even their child's adopted parents ask themselves how his/her mother could just give this gift away, an unappreciated gift, after they've told the mom how strong she is to make such a selfless loving decision.

many of these mothers, as would I, an adoptee, would suggest any one considering adoption to visit these other sites, so you can be completely informed on how adoption can work out, before you decide on it for you and your child.

You may not get pats on the back for the loving decision you are about to make, but you will get affirmations of being your childs mother and deserving of your own child regardless of your age, financial or marital status, and they will offer you great help in keeping your child.

Is there a section set up on adoption.com that gives support to mothers that really want to keep their children, but feel pressure to choose adoption? or wish they had kept their baby? or offer legal assistance to those that have found their open adoptions closed once finalized? or offer support to those mothers that feel betrayed becasue their child did not get the home and life that they were promised? I dunno, I have not really looked.

Lots of people say what you want to hear when they want something from you.

There are a lot of myths around adoption, it's wise to know them so you can recognize them when you see them.

As you can see I have a very hard time behaving here And I really do try usually, it's hard to be silent any longer.
If my first post today does'nt get me tossed this one may
I'm out
Beth

[kakuehl]

My dear Beth,

While adoption.com is a pro-adoption site, I believe you will find that there is honesty here about the problems with open adoption, etc. I have seen women honestly talking about their experiences with adoptions. I have not seen women trying to talk a girl into choosing adoption. We offer support as she searches through her options. Again, Adoption.com is a proadoption site, but it is also a place where birth moms support one another and offer our stories to others who are making decisions.

[LasVegasMom]

Hi there, I'm a birthmom too and frankly I found this site after a couple of tries on other forums. This one is great, there are a number of birthmom "regulars" and I must admit it can get addicting. One reason is because for the first time in my life, ever, I am interacting with birthmothers. Just like Janey said, I too have probably met other birthmoms and just didn't know it. Man, I wish I could have met just one in person (still haven't). As far as I have seen on this forum, there are lots of us birthmoms here. I have the opposite experience from one of the posts in that my sons amom will not join a support group or seek any therapy of any kind and wow has that come back to haunt me because now she is holding on to him for dear life which has caused our reunion to fall apart (a post for another day). I will say, and I think I am very representative of many moms from the closed era, that I just "tried to get on with my life" which of course is a total joke. Part of that "getting on" process was NOT seeking other bmoms, which is of course exactly what I have always needed because who better to understand what I go through on a daily basis. My son, who is obviously smarter than me, found me, and BAM I was knee-deep in reunion before I knew what hit me. Finding this forum has been a god-send to me, and I feel a sisterhood with all the birthmoms that post here. I have started some posts, and responded to many, and really there is such a great mix of women that I find the opinions and input great and very helpful for me in my on-going journey of reunion (1 year into it and now we aren't talking but I'm praying that will turn around soon!). Just stick around, read the threads, start ones now and again, and it will enrich your life and help you with any issues you have.

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by BethVA62

"this board has been extremely beneficial to me in making my adoption plan."

IMO, that is the reason the majority of the birthparents I know from online and in person do not come to adoption.com for support.

and because they do not use the "birth" terms to diminish themselves as anything other than their child's mother and they are pro-natural family preservation.

There are many that have started web groups just for natural parents, sometimes adoptees are included, where they are safe from the many mean and completely intentional comments made often by many adopters.

Because they have become somewhat if not completely anti-adoption because of their experience of adoption, because of what they found out at the time they were lucky enough to have a reunion, or when they found out that open adoptions could be closed and there isn't a **** thing they could do about it.

or they find out that even their child's adopted parents ask themselves how his/her mother could just give this gift away, an unappreciated gift, after they've told the mom how strong she is to make such a selfless loving decision.

many of these mothers, as would I, an adoptee, would suggest any one considering adoption to visit these other sites, so you can be completely informed on how adoption can work out, before you decide on it for you and your child.

You may not get pats on the back for the loving decision you are about to make, but you will get affirmations of being your childs mother and deserving of your own child regardless of your age, financial or marital status, and they will offer you great help in keeping your child.

Is there a section set up on adoption.com that gives support to mothers that really want to keep their children, but feel pressure to choose adoption? or wish they had kept their baby? or offer legal assistance to those that have found their open adoptions closed once finalized? or offer support to those mothers that feel betrayed becasue their child did not get the home and life that they were promised? I dunno, I have not really looked.

Lots of people say what you want to hear when they want something from you.

There are a lot of myths around adoption, it's wise to know them so you can recognize them when you see them.

As you can see I have a very hard time behaving here And I really do try usually, it's hard to be silent any longer.
If my first post today does'nt get me tossed this one may
I'm out
Beth

Sorry you haven't found what you need here at Adoption.com. But I can say that MANY E-moms have. I know without a doubt that no matter how Pro-Adoption the site is as a whole, I would never pressure an e-mom to place. I also know that MANY of our wonderful adoptive parents here at A.com would also step up and advise an e-mom to be well informed of ALL of her choices.

We do have the occasional potential adoptive parent who comes here and solicits an e-mom, with an agenda, however we also have a great moderating team who takes care of that

I am pro-adoption, does that mean that I think adoption is for everyone? Absolutely not! Was it for me? Hindsight is 20/20 and I am here now so that I can be the voice I didn't have when I was looking into my options.

I find it very sad that one can not be pro-adoption without being told that they have an agenda.

[BethVA62]

Congrats Linda!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how wonderfully awesome!!!!!!!!!
I will pray every day for you both to have all the hope, compassion and patience your big hearts can hold


Dearest kakuehl,

Thanks for your reply, and I have noticed deep in the threads, the honesty shared between the moms. yay!!

And now that I have not been thrown out, yet! for saying the things in my above post that I feel, have experienced, I tend to believe there is more freedom of speech here than there was years ago. That is so good to see.

I and several of my nice adoptee friends were thrown out for saying similar things and for attacking the baby vultures several years ago. Something I will never apologize for, never. I am thrilled to hear that vultures are no longer allowed here, I hope it is highly enforced, if I see one lurking I will surely rat them out to you, cause they are my enemy and they really make me want to PUKE

But I must admit, when I see a expectant mom being shown the option of adoption, I will be there if I can to share with her the other options available to her as well. I find my self an advocate for those that have no voice yet.

My mother and I both wish we had had someone do this for us. The only option my mom was given was adoption, the only support she was given was to take her baby off her hands to punish her for her sins, convince her that there are more deserving parents than she, and tell her she would get over it soon enough, and I wouldn't know a thing and I wouldn't want to ever know her. That was 1962, I wish things would have changed a lot more since then, but I really do see where things have changed quite a bit in the last few years.

I'm afraid I will probably speak up too, when I see adopted parents attempting or believing in secrecy or complete replacement and elimination of mother. I'm sorry, but I feel like it's my job to be there to help the confused by sharing my insights, for the adoptees sake. So please toss me now if that is not welcome here.

I've spent over two decades, reading, exploring, speaking with hundreds of adoptees, first families and adopted parents online and in person. Researcing all kinds of adoption related issues. All this work and education must be beneficial to someone other than me and my family.

It's hard to help anyone in that way unless you are at a site where the entire triad is welcomed. I can stomach hearing all sides, they all make me feel seasick.

I like it here because it IS positive and warm and fuzzy and understanding...and active. I am typically a very positive and hopeful person, many of the other mom and adoptee sites aren't as warm and fuzzily positive or hopeful. But mainly because most of their experiences haven't been so positive.

For myself, I am never happy if I can't explore all sides of a thing. I've been exposed to the ugly side of adoption, it's a bit hard to ignore, repress, deny or forget, not share, it's real, eye-opening and hardly healthy in my opinion to stay there all the time OR not at all


"I find it very sad that one can not be pro-adoption without being told that they have an agenda."

I understand Michelle, I am stuck somewhere in the middle of pro and anti, there is a LOT of stuff that needs to change for future adoptees.
I think as an adoptee, for me anyway, it seems I have been given the job of being stuck in the middle of lots of stuff, so I am attempting to accept it and learn to like it.

I too find it sad, I am told I have a pro adoption agenda in the anti- forums and in the pro forums, I've been told I have an anti agenda, all because I don't agree with either 100%.

And both sides have suggested I am brainwashed LOL

pro and anti is all political .... therefore both have an agenda, I really don't want any part of either.
So just saying I am pro or anti immediately seems to give one a political agenda.

The only political agenda I have is open birth records to adoptees and their original families,
an agenda of honesty!
or an agenda of being an equal citizen.
It seems if you are for open records many people deem you as anti-adoption with an ungrateful bastard agenda, go figure.

Even the people in the open records fight, fight among themselves over who is pro adoption etc.
At the "rally" or whatever in New Orleans this summer, several of the big groups dropped out of the fight because they said some of the other groups involved were pro-adoption, and they coulnd't support it. And many of the moms groups won't join in the open records fight, because they are not fighting to open records to the first family, only the adoptee.

All of our citizens should have equal access to their vital records.
I hope everyone can get together so that one day the secrets of adoption will be banished in the US, one day soon.

Opening records has nothing to do with if you are anti or pro adoption aarrrggg

Thanks for allowing me to give my answer to the question: "Why are there so few birth parents on this forum?"
I really did try to behave. The languages and insights are so different in the different triad worlds.

Now I see that: "This is a pro-adoption site." would have been a shorter and sweeter answer, especially to those in the know.
Probably a better reply in this pro-type forum than "Many just can't stomach the place and here is why"
((hugs)))
Beth

[RavenSong]

Beth, I've been following your posts for several days, and you've made some very interesting points. It did make me a bit uncomfortable when you almost dared someone to ban you from the site a couple days ago, mainly because I think you have some very valuable insights to contribute. I hope you stay around and become a "regular".

I think we all have different callings in life, things that stir our souls to action. I've tried hard not to get caught up in the politics of adoption, mainly because I don't think that's where my calling is. I am neither pro-adoption nor anti-adoption, although I must admit I'm adamant about the need for adoption reform, including completely open records. I'm just a woman trying to pick up the pieces of my own life, and in the meantime, learning and sharing with my fellow birth/first moms.

I think most of us who post on these forums do so from a point of honesty and a wish to help each other on this journey called life. No matter what each mother's political leanings are toward the adoption process, we all seem to be dealing with a lot of pain. There are similarities among us, no matter if we're anti- or pro-adoption.

Adoption.com has been my refuge these past couple years. I have gotten to know and love people from all sides of the triad. I want to be here for the women who are coming out of hiding from the "closed era" or "baby scoop era". So many of us just buried ourselves when we placed our children for adoption, and many of us need a helping hand when we decide we're getting tired of hurting so much.

I also enjoy sharing with others who are going through the reunion experience. When I reunited with my then-18-year-old son, he was majorly messed up. Back in those years, there were no Internet forums or books to help guide me through the many challenges we encountered. Reuniting with teenagers, especially troubled ones, is a very different ballgame than reuniting with full-fledged adults. So I keep my eyes open for birth/first moms who join up here who are struggling with the same issues I did.

Anyhoo, I hope you stick around. It's always refreshing to listen to other people's opinions and experiences.

[BethVA62]

Thanks Raven,

I feel more comfortable here now.

I've felt uncomfortable, seems like I have managed to project it I guess past experiences got to me. There have been many times and places when I have been silenced when talking about what is true to me regarding adoption. I guess I am suprised my words didn't end with a toss. I hate getting tossed, you don't get a chance to explain your comments, it ends up being a waste of time and no knowledge shared.

I'm too hard headed to leave LOL

I'm here for the emotional end of things too.

I wonder all the time how different my reunion would have been if I were younger, of course I have always wished i was younger when I found them, but I do wonder how well things might have gone. I was a "troubled" teen/young adult. I must have been troubled, I was pretty angry and just plain cold.

That stupid list they have for the adoption child syndrome (I hate being labeled, and I hate that list!). Well just go down the list and check them all, that WAS me.
So I have my doubts that I would have been pleasant, even though I have always wanted to meet my peeps more than anything. I was furious and defiant against the whole world, especially aparents. I can only imagine I would have taken them for all the money I could, gotten what ever I could out of them, show them how angry and hurt I was and moved on until I needed something else from them. i think I vaguley do remember that i felt like they owed me something, didn't feel that way at 40. I wasn't that great at communicating then either, i didn't have the knowledge of many of the emotional issues that separation/adoption caused in me. And i could only imagine, especially after meeting my dad's family, that they would have attempted to parent me, in my defiant state, that would not have gone over well at all. I didn't want ANY parents.

When i was 18 I traveled to the childrens home society that did my adoption and for some reason thought i could just get my info since I was of age. I was so excited, finally, I'd waited so long, the day was finally here.

The lady there laughed at me and said NO and other stuff that I dont' remember, just remember her laughing. I didn't think it was so funny, lost it, cleaned off the ladies desk, tossed my chair across the room and when i snapped out of it or whatever, I realized i had her by the throat saying "Do you think it is funny now? Tell me my mothers name @#$%!"
So.... I got to spend my 18th b-day week in jail, while getting teased by the guard witches " awwww she can't find her mommy, her mommy threw her away, her mommy will hide forever, ha ha ha poor little cry baby" crap like that. I'm suprised I am not still in there LOL

I wandered the country on and off for years, no one in my family knew where I was most of the time.
I surely wouldn't have handled things as well as when I was 40. Even at 22 when I got marrried for the 4th time, my first three husbands died in a 5 year time frame. I didn't have much trust in love, or keeping it, it was all short term, no sense in getting attached.

Then I had my daughter and everything changed. It's been up hill in the love department since. With out that knowledge of the mother child bond, that kind of love that was so foreign to me, I doubt if I would ever really "get it" during reunion or ever.

And I think as we get older, we grow more concerned with those around us, and our decendants/ancestors, instead of just ourselves. At least I did, so now I am just an old broad full of love and attachments, that is liable to say just about anything!

Thanks for the comfort Raven, I look forward to us sharing many more insights together.
Beth

[onewhoisblessed]

I'm a birth mom and I come here...........we rock.....

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by BethVA62

... so now I am just an old broad full of love and attachments, that is liable to say just about anything!

AWESOME!

Peace,
Susan

[alwaysmissingu7590]

mostly I get support, or at least understanding here-
although there are times when I get a nasty response from an apareent who doesn't believe any bityhmom could not have any animosity toward their child's parents..
mostly its fine....

that being said....

i have gotten a lot of help from adoptees sharing and also aparents
so i get a gist of all the emotions involved...
its hard all around, and for many different reasons.....

I also got to choose, and meet face to face, my child's parents--
I also wrote him a 3 page letter for them to give him when he turned 18- or if and when he requested it..
He turned 18 5 months ago-
and as soon as I could I set about making it as easy as I possibly can for him to find me if and when he ever decides to.
I'm so thrilled for all of the bparents with good reunions
sorry for the ones with failed reunions,
but at the core of it all, i'm still jealous that there was contact...
that's MY issue
all I want to know is that he's happy and healthy
and has a good life.....

JMO
Kerri

[cksmom]

I love reading and sometimes contributing to the birthmom forum. Even more than the adoptee forum. The birthmoms here are wonderful and I have learned a great deal from them. I have some insight to my own bmom and wish, wish, wish she was on here so she could heal and learn from these very wise women.

I think the reason there aren't tons of bmoms here has been mentioned. For many from the closed era and I suspect even the last 10-20 years when it was more "open" were told they have no rights to their child, no right to search for them and to just forget. Some don't feel worthy or the adoption of their child was a complete secret and still is. There may be alot of lurkers that aren't posting but are reading (YAY!) I doubt my bmom is but if she is....I love you and I'm not mad about not communicating. Please contact me when you can. I will be here waiting always.

I have a great deal of admiration, respect and love for bmoms here. They may not be my bmom but I still feel very connected to them all.