[lindadohm]

After making my very first attempt to join and participating on an adoption forum board and addressing the pain and sorrow that the relinquishment of my son when I was sixteen years old caused me , a miracle happened. I never believed that I would ever know my son, how he was, whether he was still alive, but after 36 years of grieving, my son saw one of my postings and contacted me via email and by telephone today. I have yet to speak to him as I was out shopping for my daughter's birthday and had no idea what had occurred, but my daughter has. He wants a reunion and I will be speaking to him tomorrow. I'm not really sure what I'm feeling right now other than total awe and shock. And as an added blessing, I am thrilled to learn that I am a grandmother of two.

For all those of you that have been searching and have begun to give up hope - don't!! I, like many of you, have felt unworthy and undeserving - that I had gotten exactly what I deserved for having a child at such a socially unacceptable age. I believed that my son must hate me and had no desire to meet me or even have any curiosity about me - I simply did not exist to him. But now I see that there may still be a light at the end of the tunnel. For all those members of the adoption triad I ask a favor. Pray that my reunion with my son is a successful one and that both of us can begin the road to recovery and happiness.

Best wishes and good luck to all. I am now a believer!!!
Linda Loflin, Birthmother

[bromanchik]

Congratulations Linda!!

[sstuart]

I am a birthmother and I sporadically post. I also try not to venture out into the other triad--although sometimes I am drawn by a topic.
It is still painful for me in reunion. My DD is busy with life and so I do not hear from her often. It has not been quite a year yet, but I hope that this does not mean that she has answers and is just moving on!!!
I think that poverty or the threat of it is a major reason for placement. I was not poor, but definitely lower middle class and I was told I would be on the street and on "welfare" and how would I ever do anything else with my life.
It is not easy being the birthmother because as soon as you relinguish you are not longer that "loving, generous" person. You are now someone to be feared. Someone who may try to "steal the baby back" and all the other stereotypes out there.
I come here because I have learned a lot on these forums. But I have also learned that in 23 years, the adoption process and the stereotypes have not changed a whole lot.

And Janey did you post or did anyone find it??

[sstuart]

BTW congratulations Linda!! Keep us posted. I hope everything goes GREAT!

[quantum]

WOW Linda! that's GREAT!
Good luck with everything. Remember that we're here to help you with this rollercoaster ride you're going on!

[SuddenlySusan]

Linda -- may your lives be filled with compassion and tenderness as you walk the path to reunion. My heart goes out to you. I'll never forget the day I found my son's posting on this website.

Peace,
Susan

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

I dread seeing the lifted eyebrow when I tell someone that the true obstacle for me was an overly oppressive and intolerant society. You can almost hear them thinking, "Yeah, right." Then, on the other hand, there are those who say, "Oh, but you did the right thing." No I didn't. I did what I THOUGHT was the right thing. There's a difference...a lifetime of difference. Ugh.

Susan

Susan, I'm so glad you wrote that paragraph. I'm right there with you, my friend. (Btw, it's good to see you posting again!)

You've put it down in words perfectly. There is a huge difference between "doing the right thing" and doing what we "thought" was the right thing. I thought I was doing the right thing, too, but it wasn't the right thing for my son...or me. I made the wrong decision... It took years for me to find that out.

But there's no turning back the hands of time....

[Janeytwo]

Hey everybody!

I forgot all the stuff I wanted to write yesterday! Good grief but I am old!! LOL!!

Anyhoo Paige and Quantum - I checked around and it seems that my post on the men thing is gone. I am not sure what that's about but maybe somebody took offense. Eh. Sure didn't mean too offend but I guess that happens sometimes - especially in these politically correct auto-bot times. My general gist was just that if we're going to hold women accountable for procreation - we need to hold men accountable too. (And by "we" I mean us women).

(Evil grin attached here) Let the arrows fly!! LOL!!!

Quantum

I cannot imagine how actually living in poverty would 'help' that situation. I mean, I felt helpless! Janey must have felt that a million times over!

Thank you, buddy for saying that.

You know I was talking to a wise soul in here and she pointed out that each of us can only see from our point of things. And for me when someone says "financial hardship" I immediately think of starvation; sleeping in alcoves in the onset of winter; that kind of stuff.

Sigh....maybe I need to think less that way. You know somehow never forget that life but try to make peace with it.

Something that I'm remembering. When I first started dating my husband, I went to his mom and dads. They're very wealthy and hubby grew up with every convenience - including maids. I freaked when I saw his parents home!! Freaked! And I told him I couldn't be with him anymore because his family was from money and there was no way I could relate to him.

He called me a snob. "You're really a snob, yew know that?" he said. "You think you're better than me 'cuz you're poor!"

LOL! I sort of blinked and thought, "Shouldn't that conversation go the other way?"

I have gotten lovely comments like 'oh I could NEVER let strangers raise my child'

When I hear this kind of thing it makes me wonder how our sad little species has lasted as long as it has on this planet.

[Janeytwo]

Susan,

I just wanted to echo Raven. You are so right! There is a difference!!

Well said!!! :-)

[BlackSheep]

I am a birthmom and an adoptee. I do post in the forums, but not often, only when and where I think I have something to offer. I read quite a bit and visit the forums almost daily. Having the point of view of 2 sides, I can spend time in and relate to so many different threads...I have been blessed by being in reunion with my birthmom, birthdad, siblings (most of them) and my daughter that I placed 26 years ago! Rollercoaster ride on both sides.

Just thought I would chime in that I am here too! Linda, good luck in your reunion, keep us all posted!

[Janeytwo]

Linda

Pray that my reunion with my son is a successful one and that both of us can begin the road to recovery and happiness.

((( Linda ))) Absolutely!! I am sorry....I had meant to write that and thought I did. Please forgive me....I am somewhat addled this week. I love what you wrote about the road to recovery and happiness!! Here's to you and your son and many years of getting to know one another!!

SStuary

I was not poor, but definitely lower middle class and I was told I would be on the street and on "welfare" and how would I ever do anything else with my life.

Hey there! I have to apologize to you too! I must've read this but somehow I blanked it out! I'm so sorry my friend. I just skipped right over it. Weird.

IMO - this that you said here is so important. I am remembering once seeing an African American comedian - I want to say it was Chris Rock but I'm not certain, it's been some time ago now - Anyway he said that the poor are God's way of scaring everybody else into behaving themselves. LOL!

I've given this a lot of thought in the past few days and I wonder if people are afraid to admit that money is a deciding factor in many parts of thier lives. You know we're raised with these sayings, "Money can't buy happiness", "Money can't buy love", Of course I understand the aesthetics of those. Money is not a substitute for love and happiness but it is a necessity in order not just to survive but to thrive.

And IMO when we tell ourselves different we do ourselves an injustice.

Wishing everyone a great day!

[quantum]

Hiya Janey! I wanted to address this a bit...
I lived a few years sort of on the edge of poverty. It wasn't a completely dire situation since I had in the back of my mind that my parents could and would always bail me out,
Anyhoo what I realised is that on some levels money doesn't matter and money doesn't by happiness and so on BUT and it's a HUGE but I'm talking about, you really need to have basic needs covered first.
I mean, I ate loads of the cheapest spaghetti with tomato puree, but I had a warm place to sleep at night, and it was food! I was terrified of ending up on the street though and could see it not so far off my situation...
So there, money DID matter!

Now fast forward years later and I'm doing quite ok. I said to a friend of my husband that 'money isn't everything' and he laughed. But what I meant is more in the situation that I'm currently in. I don't work full time. We choose to live in Sweden. So we don't buy a new car BUT we have way more time and energy for our kids. THAT is what I mean by that!

Anyway I guess what I'm saying is that you are 100% right, but of course you are. You've been (from what I understand) in pretty dire straits, YOU KNOW! And I admire you all the more for the strong survivor that you are.

And I apologise for my babble. :-D

[lindadohm]

Hi all. Thanks for your kind words of support.

Well it's been three days now and I am still walking on a cloud. I have talked to my son for two days in a row, today being the first day we did not talk. Everything is working out well. He is respective to relationship and is especially excited that he now has a sister.

My son has turned out to be a wonderful person. I have two beautiful grandchildren, Klyie, who is eight and Nicholas who is 2 1/2. My son, whose name now is Rob, has emailed me pictures and there is no doubt whatsoever that this is my family. I know that there will be ruff days ahead and things may not work out to my exact liking or expectations, but I will deal with those things as they come along and will not allow anything to get in the way of a continuing relationship. I will not push and will take it at a pace that is comfortable for my son.

Again, I want to tell all those individuals searching - don't ever give up hope. It has taken 36 years for me, but it was worth the wait. Believe and have faith.

Linda Loflin
Reunited Birthmom

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[quantum]

How EXCITING!

[Janeytwo]

Dear Linda,

Congrats! And two grandkids to boot! :-)