[lindadohm]

I an new this website. However; when looking it over, I do see that much of the postings/information is for or about the adoptive parent rather than the birth parents. I have absolutely nothing against couples (or singles) wanting to find a child to adopt, to raise as their own, to love and cherish, but here is the problem. I am a birthmom and while I appreciate that my relinquished son's adoptive family took him in and gave him the type of life that I could have never given him when I was sixteen, for some reason, adoptive parents still seem like the enemy. I know that sounds horrible on my part, but there is anger, bitterness, sorry, regret and a whole range of other emotions surrounding "the adoption", simply because I had no real choice and in my mind, my son was taken from me. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this so that everyone understands and I harbor no real ill will against my son's adoptive parents, I just wish with all my heart and soul that it had been me raising him and sharing his life. So when I read things like "loving couple looking for infant to raise and love as their own", something inside of me just explodes.

To all adoptive parents who might read this, I'm sorry. I know most of you are wonderful individuals and have made wonderful parents, I just hurt, even after 36 years.

[lahdh4]

It all depends on my day. If I am having a really hard day I just stick to another forum where it is only birth moms. This way I don't have to see all the "happy" announcements, "Gotcha Days" and the like.
Some days I am just truelly angry and avoid it and really only comment on a few threads. Otherwise I avoid all others because it is too painfull.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

It all depends on my day. If I am having a really hard day I just stick to another forum where it is only birth moms. This way I don't have to see all the "happy" announcements, "Gotcha Days" and the like.
Some days I am just truelly angry and avoid it and really only comment on a few threads. Otherwise I avoid all others because it is too painfull.

I feel the same way sometimes. I think it bugs me because for me there is no happy ending to placing Kiddo. It just is what it is. Not that I'm not happy that he is flourishing where he is, but well... you know what I mean.

[kathy79]

I read the forums everyday but I don't post much. After 17 months in reunion with my bson I still feel like I'm trying to figure out my own path and I wouldn't be much help to anyone else at this point.

I find the diverse viewpoints from bmoms, amoms and adoptees quite interesting. I wish I had know about this site before I was in reunion.

[SuddenlySusan]

My son and I found each other two years ago this month. His adoptive mother welcomed me with love, respect and open arms. Yet, I feel sick when reading some of the adoptive parent forums. It's hard to explain... but, I feel relief in knowing that I don't need to try to explain myself in this forum. Even with a successful reunion, it still hurts... not as much as it did, but still...

[paigeturner]

I'm on almost every day, but my posting is erratic. I read almost everything from all sides of the triad. This is a good place. I learn a lot. Having said that, I have lots of "buttons". I hate reading adoptive parents refer to their child's first mom as "our" birthmom. I cringe sometimes when I read the gushing statements on TPR. I get angry when I read careless posts from adoptive parents "wishing, hoping, praying" that their child's first parents experience a second crisis pregnancy so they can raise a sibling.

But for the most part I love it here. I've "met" wonderful adult adoptees and adoptive parents here. I've learned a lot about their hopes and fears.

[AlisonMarie]

I do think some of the ads are sometimes hurtful when I come here, like giving the gift of family, or pregnant? we can help. For me, adoption wasn't a "choice" I wanted to make. I wanted to keep my son, but at 15 I didn't have a lot of ground to stand on when someone asks, how do you expect to support your child? It wasn't a happy thing, and sometimes I do get offended when it's made to seem that way. I think it's a happy thing for the adoptive family, and I am happy my son will have a life I could have only dreamed of for him, but I wish I didn't feel it was the only way he could be happy.....I hope that makes sense.

[cetalley]

[quote=AlisonMarie]I do think some of the ads are sometimes hurtful when I come here, like giving the gift of family, or pregnant? we can help. For me, adoption wasn't a "choice" I wanted to make. I wanted to keep my son, but at 15 I didn't have a lot of ground to stand on when someone asks, how do you expect to support your child? It wasn't a happy thing, and sometimes I do get offended when it's made to seem that way.

I think it's a happy thing for the adoptive family, and I am happy my son will have a life I could have only dreamed of for him, but I wish I didn't feel it was the only way he could be happy.....I hope that makes sense.[/QUOTE

]
I must say, like most of you, I have my days, but have yet to have ill feelings towards any parents whom have adopted. There is always gonna be those few, who just don't have a clue, about life in general and even know less of what it takes to be a "mom". Alison said something that has always peeked my curiousity...something along the line of her son having a life she could only dream of giving....This is what angers me the most..."We as Firstmoms, seem to have this notion! In reality, I do not know this, I was not given a chance to find out...after all I had a 6r. old(now29), and he is still an amazing person...I don't feel I did a bad job parenting him. I, however do not know behind those closed doors what my twin sons endured(now 22yrs.old). I do not, and have not ever known ANYTHING about where they went..but especially nothing about their parents! Did they endure abuse, alcohol, adultery/affairs(parents),financial loss, divorce, incest...etc., etc....the list goes on. People whom live in castles(9 bedrroms/6 baths), have the usual everyday issues I do. If we had to stop and parent for a week or 2 and be forced to look at these issues, would you have made the same choice? I had no choice( either sign or lose my 6 yr.old),but I think most ladies would reconsider relinquishing. I know there are no guarantees in life ,this can happen with all of us, but it is a guarantee, NOBODY could protect, love, and respect my twin sons more than me...their mother!

[Janeytwo]

Hey All,

Enemies:
The enemy is poverty and the desperation it holds women in.

The enemy is a schizophrenic society that doesn't want birth control to be available in highschools and then is shocked when young girls get pregnant. IMO - that's sort of like staring down the barrel of a loaded 30 aught 6, pulling the trigger and then being totally stunned when you wake up dead with a slug sticking out of your face.

The enemy is a society that still holds women mainly responsible for procreation. (Matter of fact I posted something on that and no one responded. Everyone must've been at the grocery store.)

Irkies:

Sometimes I'll read something and can't believe how ignorant a person can be. But on the irkies I really only have one. Every time I talk about how poverty was a deciding factor in my choice to relinquish, someone will inevitably post back to say how people like me are the exception and not the norm.

And its at that point that someone else on the triangle will invariably add a post backing that up and stating that poverty is the least acceptable reason for relinquishment.

I have to tell you.....THAT HURTS. THAT HURTS BAD.

Two people have even gone so far as to intimate that if they would've been in my shoes they wouldn't have done what I did.

Try reading that and not wanting to climb through the computer screen and choke the s**t out of someone.

[paigeturner]

Originally Posted by Janeytwo

Hey All,

The enemy is a society that still holds women mainly responsible for procreation. (Matter of fact I posted something on that and no one responded. Everyone must've been at the grocery store.)

Bump it up! Bump it up!

[SuddenlySusan]

I hear you Janey... for me, there appeared to be no "valid" reason for surrendering my son: I was 18 and my mother was supportive of me but did not support the adoption. The bottom line is that at the time I did what I truly believed was the best for my son, even though I see things much differently in retrospect today.

I dread seeing the lifted eyebrow when I tell someone that the true obstacle for me was an overly oppressive and intolerant society. You can almost hear them thinking, "Yeah, right." Then, on the other hand, there are those who say, "Oh, but you did the right thing." No I didn't. I did what I THOUGHT was the right thing. There's a difference...a lifetime of difference. Ugh.

Susan

[Janeytwo]

Hey guys!

Lots of good stuff to reply to since my last post on here...which I will write on tomorrow (Oh joy! Bet you guys can't wait).

Paige I tried to find the post that I wrote but can't find it. I am the biggest non-techie on this forum I'm sure of it! LOL!

But I remember almost exactly what I said and so I'll repost in the morning.

Note: If anyone finds my post and knows how to bump it - please feel free. :-)

I am going to go take some migraine medicine now and also kill my little Mini-Pin who's barking in my ear non-stop!! Oooo boy!!!!

Hugs to everybody!

[kakuehl]

Hi all. Calamity, I'm another bmom that posts here regularly. I'm in the midst of a move and and beginning of a new call (I'm a pastor) and haven't been posting much lately. There are also regulars who are both adoptee and birthmother.

You can avoid most of those ads by becoming a premium member.

Anyway, welcome to the forums!

[trixila]

IAs an adoptive parent (domestic, open) I can only offer what my son's wonderful birthmother told me: Contact with me can remind her of a time when her life was really bad. She was raising two young sons, divorced, had a troubled relationship with a drug user, and barely making ends meet. Fast forward 10 years, she finished college, met and married a fantastic man, had two more children, and is well on her way to having the life she deserves. She worked very hard to improve her life and wants her son to be proud of her when they are reunited (they live 1000 miles away).

My daughter's birthmother struggles to raise her two young children and simply survive.

My husband and college sort of girlfriend placed their daughter for adoption 25 years ago. It was a very painful and private experience for him. He kept in touch, loosely, but had a full blown reunion and real relationship 4 years ago. He is not into the adoption groups, meetings, and literature. He would never visit a forum like this one. Just not his thing.

I only visited this forum after posting about the impact adoption has had on my life. I have learned alot and appreciate the openness expressed here.

[quantum]

A couple of comments on a couple of things!
First of all, I don't read the adoptive parent forums. I've just felt too vulnerable! I even stopped reading the adoptee forums. My son (thank goodness) seems to not have any abandonment issues, and reading the adoptee forums was making me paranoid! My heart does ache for everyone involved in the triad though. It's just that personally, I am here for support and being here is where I feel safe and about all I can handle right now!

On to the thing of poverty being a valid reason for relinquishment. It's one of the things that I've found so interesting as an American living abroad! First of all I think that part of what caused me to relinquish was the fear of poverty. As in, what could a young girl like me, no college education etc etc DO to support a child.
I cannot imagine how actually living in poverty would 'help' that situation. I mean, I felt helpless! Janey must have felt that a million times over!
I know we have this mantra of adoption being a permanent solution to a temporary problem BUT I guess I would apply that more to more like the hiccups in life. Is that making any sense?
And as to what I said before, as an American living abroad...adoption is such a relatively common choice Stateside. Where I live there are many more benefits, especially for single parents! And there isn't the stigma that's attached to welfare. The rate of domestic adoption is nearly zero. I just find that so interesting. You take the poverty out of the equation and adoption disappears as an option. So my chances of finding a local support group are...zero.
I have gotten lovely comments like 'oh I could NEVER let strangers raise my child'
urgh

Now I'm going to look for Janey's post...