[-Hillary]

My baby boy was born on December 29th, 2008... I planned on adoption from the very beginning, knowing that being 18 and in college I wouldn't be able to provide everything my son deserved...

I chose an open adoption.. though I chose not to have visitation... thinking that would only confuse him... pictures and monthly updates are enough...

At the hospital I was able to see him whenever I asked, which was often, and the adoptive parents were there too. I let them spend a lot of time with him... they did most of the feeding and changing etc.

I came home 4 days after arriving at the hospital... and at first I was okay. A lot of friends came by to see me (I had many people supporting me and my choice of adoption) and I was feeling fine.

But today it was like this wall of sorrow just hit me... and I can't do anything but lay in bed and cry. I want to try and move on... I miss my baby so much... but I can't let that take over my life...I don't know what to do.

[-Hillary]

I guess I posted this in the wrong place... sorry about that =/

[DancinBear63]

Hillary,
Though I've not been in your position, I can empathize with your feelings. I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I am certain that so many others on these boards will be able to offer you support too!

Take care!

[BlackSheep]

Hillary-

I was in your shoes 26 years ago. I had just turned 19 a few weeks before finding out that I was pregnant. I, like you, was also in college. I also chose adoption as the best choice for my situation.

I know the pain and grief you are experiencing right now. I can tell you that it does get better, but it doesn't go away.

I went to the psychology department of the college I attended and went into grief counseling to learn how to live with my decision and be able to move on with my life as my baby was learning to do with her family. Find a counselor/pastor/psychologist, someone you can talk to about your feelings and grieve, cry, take care of yourself!!!

Continue to post or join us in the chat room sometime to talk about your feelings. We are here for you and will give you all the support we can.

[lglysson]

I remember the same thing happening. I was alright with my decision, had lots of support, but when I got home and was alone I lost it. It's apart of the grief process, you will get through it. I will be praying for you.
Blessings

[kelley1970]

I remember the first couple of months after I gave my daughter up 18 years ago... I felt like noone in the world understood how I felt, I cried and cried. Nothing could get me out of that place *sigh* I remember that pain, and I am so sorry for you that you are in that place now. Lots of people around me said that I did the right thing - that it was unselfish and what was best for her, I cant tell you how sick I was of hearing that! Of course it was for the best, thats why I did it to begin with, right? But I'm talking about the PAIN, the daily hurt that was surrounding me every single day....

thats the bad news...

on a lighter note, it DOES get better. It will never totally go away, and you will think of him often, but the incredible pain does eventually fade away. You learn to understand yourself and your choices - why you made them and that its ok to go on with your life. I will think of you, sometimes the stories I read on here stay with me long after I have closed this site - yours is one of them - and I will pray for comfort for you during this most difficult time.

Just keep repeating to yourself that time will help and let yourself know that its OK that you made the decision you did.... I dont know you, but I'm sending out a big hug, take care of yourself and remember - with everyday, you will get stronger....

[quantum]

Let yourself grieve, that's what you're doing!
None of us understood really when we relinquished.
It's taken me a long time to come to terms with it.

We're here to help when you need it. If only to be some 'ears' that understand.

[JustPeachy]

First off, congratulations on your beautiful baby boy.

The first year is so very hard. I was in a similar situation as you, just barely 19, not in college yet but very well decided on adoption for my child from the start because I wanted so much more than I knew I could provide for him at that time. I was thinking "oh, this won't be so bad, because I KNOW this is the right decision." I was not prepared for how much it would hurt. People did try to tell me, but I did not believe them until I was actually experiencing it. I still feel I made the right decision, but that doesn't mean it wasn't painful. Remember, it is perfectly OK and NORMAL to grieve. Number one, your hormones are all over the place and readjusting. Two, you've just experienced a very real and deep loss. You will have times where you just need to break down and let it all out. This is hard and painful, but not a bad thing. Do you have access to counseling? I would highly recommend it, as it helped me tremendously. I had a semi-open with updates and pictures, but at the time I relinquished my child, it wasn't defined as such. I think I was just very fortunate that my son's parents were so responsive to my requests for updates. This helped me more than I can tell you to see his progress and know what he looked like. Also, talking and connecting with other birthmothers is very helpful. My agency has a birthmother support group which I have found very helpful, and I also have a friend who is a birthmom. The ladies here are also truly wonderful.

People tend to dismiss a birthmother's pain, especially if it was her decision to place. They think "oh, you WANTED this," as if you are just supposed to skip along merrily on your way like Juno and strum a guitar! Just because you made this decision does not mean it won't be painful for you. But it will get better and you can heal. Try to think of the grieving you are going through as a part of that healing process. It is far better to let it out and acknowledge it than to stuff it or try to forget it. That just doesn't work.

If you like to write, journaling is also a good way to get it all out on paper. Try to take extra special care of yourself right now, too.

[-Hillary]

Thank you all so much for your posts... it's wonderful to know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling, even though it seems that way sometimes.

I do have access to a support group, though I wasn't sure at first if I wanted to join one... (I'm not one to express myself to many people.. especially a whole group of them) and I'm still meeting with my social worker (who is also my couselor) once a week or every other week...
I'm hoping that talking to her will help with the healing process... and she worked with a birth mother a few years ago that she is going to try to bring to one of our meetings... so maybe talking with her will also help.

Again, thank you all very much =)

[kakuehl]

Dear Hillary,

First, you did post at the right place!

You are grieving right now. Recognize it as a good thing! It is a sign that you are not hiding your emotions from yourself. Just as with a death, there is a finality about relinquishing that is incredibly painful. As the others say, it does get easier.

I gave birth to D near the beginning of my last year in college. Looking back, I have no idea how I got through that last year. One of my friends told me later that I had looked so said that he had just wanted to give me a hug. (I with he had - but I also know that I pushed people away.) For over 32 years I had no clue whether he was alive or dead... We have now been in reunion over 3 years. I'm getting to watch his children grow. I love him now as I did then and I'm still sure I made the right decision when I place him.

If you are not yet willing to meet with a support group (or even if you are), you may find it easier to vent, express feelings, etc. here. We have been there! Try not to make too many life changing decisions. Looking back, I made lots of choices for my life: marrying within the year, etc., that were the direct result of my grieving process and its effect on me.

There are lots of resources here. Welcome again.

[belleinblue1978]

Hilary,

I placed my son into an open adoption 4.5 years ago. I was 26, have a good education, all of the right things, but I wasn't ready to be a GOOD mom and my boyfriend wasn't even ready to be a mediocre dad.

I did what I had to do for kiddo. I struggled through six weeks of him in the NICU. I spent a total of about 3 hours with him before I signed my rights away when he was about 6 months old.

I put on the happy, I'm ok with this face for a long time. Eventually I stopped with that. It hurts like heck. I have two gaping holes in my heart now. One where my son belongs and the other where my FIRST family belongs.

You know, if you change your mind, visits aren't confusing. I see my kid for between 8 and 10 hours a year. That doesn't confuse him, but he knows who I am and won't have to wonder. I'm not a mythical person, he knows all the cool things about me and the not so cool. There won't be the agony of trying to decide if he wants to contact me when he is older. I'll be a part of his life.

Are visits easy for me? Not always, it hurts that someone else calls him mom, but I have my proof that he is good, proof that you can't get in pictures or letters.

The pain will lessen, I promise you. Sometimes it hits me again, full force. The best way I can describe it is getting my heart bandaged up enough so it only drips and then something happens and it all gets ripped off. It is getting easier and easier to rebandage though.

[-Hillary]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

You know, if you change your mind, visits aren't confusing. I see my kid for between 8 and 10 hours a year. That doesn't confuse him, but he knows who I am and won't have to wonder. I'm not a mythical person, he knows all the cool things about me and the not so cool. There won't be the agony of trying to decide if he wants to contact me when he is older. I'll be a part of his life.

Yeah... but visits weren't in the agreement I have with the adoptive parents... I'm still not sure visits would be the best thing for him, you know..?

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by -Hillary

Yeah... but visits weren't in the agreement I have with the adoptive parents... I'm still not sure visits would be the best thing for him, you know..?

Yes, but a lot of times these agreements are revisited as kids grow up. Your son may want visits.

Speaking as an adopted person, I wish I could have known my first mom growing up and my brothers and sister. There wouldn't be an empty place in my heart where they belong now.

[humbird753]

Hillary - I am a birth mom also. Mine was 38 years ago. I do remember when she was born and also signing final papers and leaving her behind. In those days adoptions were only "closed." No opportunity for pictures, visits, or any type of updates. You may change your mind on the visiting as he may want to know who you are. I am now trying to find my daughter. Enough of me - was just trying to let you know where I am coming from.
It wasn't just a week or a month since I relinquished, but I do remember the pain and grief that came shortly after leaving the hospital and leaving her behind. It is very painful - all of us here as birth moms can understand that pain you are experiencing. The pain does lessen, but it never goes away completely. This is a loss and the grief you are experiencing is very normal.
There are a lot of "wise" people in this web site. Hope you stay on board and "share" or ask" others here for support.
You will be in my prayers.
Paula

[-Hillary]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

I wish I could have known my first mom growing up and my brothers and sister. There wouldn't be an empty place in my heart where they belong now.

I never really thought of that... I just figured my visiting would interupt the adoptive parents' relationship with him...