[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by -Hillary

I never really thought of that... I just figured my visiting would interupt the adoptive parents' relationship with him...

Hillary,

Kids are only as confused as the adults around them. My son isn't confused about who I am... I'm Belle his first mom. D is his mom and T is his dad. He has a lot of grammas and grampas, but lots of kids do. Seeing him for 8-10 hours a year isn't going to interrupt his mom and dad's relationship with him at all.

I saw my son today, OMG I'm so proud of him and it is so amazing to know him. I'm glad he gets to know me so he doesn't have to spend his life wondering like I have.

[HeidiK]

As an adoptive parentin a very open adoption...kids are only confused if the adults create confusion. BOTH of my sons birthmoms wanted pictures and letters only, at the beginning. With my 1st son - the SW called and asked if I would be willing to do a visit ( he was 3moths old) as she thought it would help him birthmom continue to process the adoption...How could I say know when I loved her son and her so much? After that 1st - visit I GOT the value in OA and it made so much sense for us all. My oldest can call is birthmom when he misses her ( he's now 6yrs) and he can tell her he loves her or send her pictures when he wants too...we see each other every 4-5 months and its awesome. Visits have never confused him - I think they help him understand that the connection is never broken....

I hope you find peace Hillary...and may you always know that your son loves you and so do the people you chose for him

[LoveMyKids94]

I'm an adoptive mom, sweetie, and I wonder if you can talk to the parents to see if they'd be interested in an open adoption. I'm facing the opposite of you. I have a 12 year old who wants to see her birthmother and the adoption was supposed to be open, but she closed it. If only she would, I'd open it in a minute to make my baby girl feel complete.
It can't hurt to ask. And, remember, one day you WILL see this child again if that's what you want. Adoptions are really never closed anymore.
My mommy heart hurts for you, and I hope you do ask them.

[adoptionblessin]

I also am an adoptive parent of two children both through the fostercare system. My son is 15 and had been in care at age 5, he was abanndoned by his birthmom and left with his Grandma who then decided to give him to someone else ,etc....Today he wonders alot about his siblings, his BF is dead and no one knows where his birthmom is . It is very hard on him both mentally and emotionally. My daughter came to me at birth,her birthmom had many issues yet if I knew she was safe I would help my daughter see her she has not been heard from for 4 yrs. I must admit when I started looking at adoption I was terrified of open adoption, Im still not sure why, but as I deal with my son I wish I had the answers he soooo badly wants, so if you have the option I do believe it would be great for all involved.

[-Hillary]

Originally Posted by LoveMyKids94

I'm an adoptive mom, sweetie, and I wonder if you can talk to the parents to see if they'd be interested in an open adoption. I'm facing the opposite of you. I have a 12 year old who wants to see her birthmother and the adoption was supposed to be open, but she closed it. If only she would, I'd open it in a minute to make my baby girl feel complete.
It can't hurt to ask. And, remember, one day you WILL see this child again if that's what you want. Adoptions are really never closed anymore.
My mommy heart hurts for you, and I hope you do ask them.

Well... we technically have an open adoption- but just not with visits...

I still haven't decided if i should request visits, or if that would be the right thing to do...

[thanksgivingmom]

Hillary, when I placed my daughter over two years ago I didn't see how visits could be good for her. I thought it would be best if I just slunk into the background and let her have her life.

But HAVING her life means having access to ALL of her life - and the truth is that I carried her, sang to her, gave birth to her, and loved her (of course I STILL love her!) for all that time before she was placed.

Now, I see my daughter about once every six months. She's only two, so she doesn't REALLY know who I am, but it's not something she's going to have to figure out one day when she's older. It's just the way she will have lived her life. This WILL be normal for her. She'll have a Mom and a First Mom and it will be the way it's always been for her.

I would recommend looking at some books that talk about open adoption - Life Givers by James Gritter (I think) is a GREAT one.


Best of luck to you

[GAgirl81]

I'm hoping to adopt, and I'm hoping very much for an open adoption. That seems to be the norm these days. I'd like to have whatever level of communication feels comfortable for the birth mother initially, and since situations change and people change, if she'd like to have more or less contact as time goes on, I will support that. I can't even begin to imagine the anguish that you all have gone through, and my heart aches for you. That being said, it probably couldn't hurt to at least ask if you can try some visits.

[Whirled_Peas]

I am also an adoptive mom. We very much wanted an open adoption with visits. We felt it would be best for our baby.

Our birthmom has chosen to not have any contact at this time. I think it just hurts her too much to see our baby. She knows that she can contact us at any time for visits.

When our daughter was 3 months old our birthmom sent an email asking how things were. I can't tell you how happy I was to receive her email. I have saved it for our daughter.

As excited as I was to get the email, I was also a bit threatened. We were a week away from finalizing and I didn't feel secure in everything. Our daughter turns 6 months tomorrow. I keep hoping our birthmom will email yet I also wonder how I will feel if she does.

I tell you this not to keep you from asking for visits, but to let you know everyone has all kinds of conflicting emotions.

Maybe it would help you to think about 20 years from now. If you don't have visits and you meet your child then, what will it be like versus what would it be like if you'd had visits.

[-Hillary]

I'm just worried that the adoptive parents won't agree to it... I mean... it wasn't in the original agreement...

[kakuehl]

It's possible they won't agree, but it's always possible that they will!

[thanksgivingmom]

It wasn't in mine either Hilary OA's grow and change over time...they may be thinking about visits as well, and be too afraid to as you because they don't want to push while you're greiving.

Nothing is gauranteed and for sure, but this could be one "what if" that you don't have to wonder about.

[lovemy2boys]

Hilary,

We have OA's with all 4 of our kids' firstparents, but it didn't start that way...

AJ's firstdad wanted a closed adoption. In fact, he was going to seal his records (or whatever they call it) so AJ couldn't receive his identifying info, even when he turned 18...

Well, we always wanted to meet him and have him get to know AJ, and vice versa...and apparently, time changed his feelings as well...

So 7 years later, here we are in a fully OA with him, and that includes visits.

Moral of the story? You never know if you don't ask.

I'll send good thoughts your way...

[GAgirl81]

I know it's easy for all of us who haven't been in your shoes to say "It can't hurt to ask" but you must really be in a tough position. It isn't as easy as "just asking" for you, because you will be afraid the answer will be no and I imagine that rejection would bring all that pain right back to the surface. Did you have a good relationship with them before? Hopefully their reaction would be the same as all the adoptive moms and prospective adoptive moms have stated in here that theirs was or would be, that they would be ok with it, because it could help ease the pain of someone who brought them so much joy. I hope this goes well for you, whatever you choose to do. <hugs>

[jp4ga]

Hillary,

I am an amom. We had a verbal agreement with the bmom of our baby. Right now we are doing letters and pictures every 3 months sometimes I will send more often if we did something special or have taken a lot of pictures. If she were to contact me about phone calls and visits I would more than likely agree to change our current terms. Right now my dd is only 7 months old so phone calls would not be very beneficial other than to hear me talk, but in the future they would be. All you can do is ask, if they say no wait about 6 months and ask again. Hopefully they will be willing.

[lyra smith]

hillary,

Let me just tell you that you are AMAZING!! Birth-moms are the most wonderful women on this planet! I am a birth-mom of 7 years!!
This time is so difficult. You may feel uneasy to share your feelings with the Adoptive parents right now. but if you can try to have open communication about your feelings with them ( what ever method works for you....e-mail, phone or letters) You will truly be benefiting their lives as well as yours. If visitations are something that you think you might need to more effectively heal, then you should ask for them. The most important part of open adoption is communication.
The relationship between the Aparents and you is always going to be a dynamic one. It will change as time goes on because its so difficult to plan for the future and know what feelings you will all be dealing with. They love you! I am sure of it!! You gave them a life and I know they will be grateful for it for ever!

I have seen some people saying that the pain never goes away. I will always remember the pain of placement but my pain is gone and has been replaced with a deep appreciation for myself and and the courage i had to change my life! Perhaps this pain has lessened for me because I have been able to see my son as often as needed.
Make sure you take care of your feelings. Mourning a loss takes time. Don't rush it. Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Its ok to have them. Your great!!