[Janeytwo]

The little oak bench I sat on in the courthouse that day. Me, there in that small, stuffy office with its desk covered in files and paperwork and several overly-large Rolex cardexes. Phones ringing in the background; a place rife with life - or proof of it and yet I was so totally alone. Surrounded by the business of the day; the letter of the law; the sanity by which everything is done in an orderly manner. Such a place that place. Not a heaven; not a hell; an in-between place where all stops and then begins again on a lesser, sadder note.

Sitting there under the clock on that bench which at the time reminded me of a pew; a church pew. Praying for a miracle which would not come - at least not in the form I had asked.

I can hear, smell, taste it all like it was just yesterday. The air in that room; warm and close. The hardness of the little oak bench; me sitting on it so small and young and lost. The clock; it's minute hands running to the hour; running fast - as if it had it's own agenda. And the little oak bench offering me some purchase of sanity; somewhere to rest before I lost what was/is oh-so-precious.

That was my little oak bench; a moment in time forever frozen with remorse.

Do adoptive moms have thier own little oak bench? I think perhaps yes. Their bench is an impersonal chair in an OB/GYN office. They sit in that vinyl or scotch-guarded material-covered chair praying for a miracle; one that will not come - at least not in the form they wish it to.

Phones ring in the background; souls making appointments. Files cover the doctor's desk; proof of life and it's history. Walls covered with degrees from this University or that. And on the desk, perhaps a clock in the shape of a ship. The minute hands running fast; too fast - as if the clock has an agenda. And the chair offering some purchase of sanity when she hears the words, "I am sorry but you cannot bear children. You will never have a child. There is nothing we can do. Perhaps you should consider adoption." Such a place that place; a place of hope tinged with sorrow. For surely to have children is as natural and desired by her as the need to breathe.

Was that how it was? Did one young woman sit in a cold vinyl chair with metal armrests while another sat across town on a little oak bench?

The two never to meet but whose lives would cross in the blessing of two children; lost and yet found; grieved and yet celebrated.

Everyone has a little oak bench.

[Whirled_Peas]

Yeah, adoptive parents have their own sorrows.

I'm lucky, I gave birth to my son so I know what it's like. I know what it's like to feel a baby move or to go through labor. I can't imagine how bad it would be to have missed out on those events.

I am nursing my adopted daughter. For me, nursing means more than birthing. But again, I've birthed. I know how the memories from pregnancy fade as you fall in love with this new person. Someone who's never birthed can't know that. All they know is that they missed out on something amazing. They missed out on touching the hand of God with their man and their child.

I do wish I could take credit for being the architect for my daughter's eyes and her smile and her sunny disposition. Most of all I wish I could have birthed her to save her from any confusion about the adoption. I am still jealous of my pregnant friends. I wish I could have carried my beloved little girl. Pregnancy (when it's the right time) is so fun.

Interesting thing is, I'm not jealous that my baby's birthmom got all the experiences I didn't. I know how sad she was to place and I can never deny her anything, not even those moments I wish I could have had.

There is loss in all corners of the adoption triad. For me the greatest loss is the ones the baby may feel. I wish so much I hadn't failed her. I wish my body would have allowed her to come from me instead of from her birthmother's sorrow. I wish her birthmom had been in a better place so she could have parented instead of placed. Two women who love this baby so much. Wouldn't it have been better if the gods had let me be the one to get pregnant? Then no one would have been sad.

[escottswanson]

Fascinating imagery... I know my adoptive Mom had the cold vinyl chair, I never got to talk to my natural mother but I do NOT consider her a failure in any way... circumstances just aren't always great. I think about her often and what would have been her little oak bench. I know she was so frustrated with the world it must have been maddening...

[Janeytwo]

Hey All! Thanks for replying, it meant a lot to me.

Whirled_Peas

I do wish I could take credit for being the architect for my daughter's eyes and her smile and her sunny disposition.

You know "Peas", on the eyes maybe you feel you can't take credit. That's all right though; eyes aren't just about color. They're also about the person behind the eyes and IMO, you can take credit for that; for her smile and her sunny little self. You can take credit for that in the obvious love you have for her.

Two women who love this baby so much. Wouldn't it have been better if the gods had let me be the one to get pregnant? Then no one would have been sad

((( Whirled_Peas ))) Maybe one day we'll live in a world where no one has to go without; that would be a nice place to be.

Escottswanson

I know she was so frustrated with the world it must have been maddening.

Hmmmm. I like that you wrote this. In looking back I had not thought of it as frustrating - but then I have shut away the pain of surrender for many years now. I suppose if I was frustrated, it was with myself for not being courageous enough to face the tremendous odds. I saw a made-for-TV-movie this year - a real life drama about a girl from the streets who made it all the way to Harvard on her sheer wits. I think in that young age I was, there was a part of me who thought I should have been able to do the same; fight the good fight no matter how hard it got. But then, I suppose it is one thing to ask such a Herculean effort of oneself; quite another to ask it of two children.

And the girl in the movie; she had just herself to worry after; to feed and clothe.

Still, I am thankful; thankful for those who helped guide me in those dark times.

Thanks for listening.

[cksmom]

I really liked what you wrote, Janey. I was able to see it through your words.

I know that my amom had that impersonal chair in the OBGYN office. She miscarried 5 times in 8 years. While adopting my abrother and I helped her initially, I don't think she ever recovered from losing those 5 babies. She is mentally incapable of having a relationship with us. She told her therapist that she is mourning 3 little girls that died at various ages. She never had a live birth. I think that is the core of her mental health.

[lovemy2boys]

Lovely, Janey...

[Janeytwo]

Dear Cksmom - It's hard to know how to respond to your post. On the one hand, I want to extend compassion to your amom but on the other I want to extend compassion to you because I feel so bad that her pain caused her to shut you out. Not of course that I'm saying she was a bad person; just that sometimes people fall so far into a hole over their own grief that others suffer.

I am sorry for both you and your amom that this was the case and I pray that you especially can heal from that.

You are obviously a very kind person in that you are able to see her side and not be bitter yourself. There are many out there without that kind of courage and fortitude. I think you're an amazing woman!

:-)

Have a wonderful day!

[escottswanson]

My natural mother told the social worker that she felt like she had never been given adequate care and had wished her whole life that she had been adopted... she knew from the moment that she found out she was pregnant that she would put me up for adoption. I cried when I read this... the emotions seemed to bleed through the paper. After I found my bio family (and found that she had died 13 years ago) I learned that she was right... nobody in the entire family ever made it past 10th grade and virtually everyone had serious drug and alcohol problems. How a 16 year old girl all alone in that environment could know... and also be able to do the right thing is still amazing to me.

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

Everyone has a little oak bench.

Those benches.. hard oak.. covered in plastic.. so if you bang your knee it really hurts..

Moments caught in time.. and the ones that get lost in those moments.. go to ground and never come out again..
You want to pull them out and say.. stop it..

But you can’t..

I can remember walking down the hill near my home and asking for therapy.. going to that first meeting..
And I can remember the time she had me read a letter to my son.. who I had gone to ground about.. who I could barely speak about..

I sit and reflect on those times when we are caught..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Escottswanson

nobody in the entire family ever made it past 10th grade and virtually everyone had serious drug and alcohol problems. How a 16 year old girl all alone in that environment could know... and also be able to do the right thing is still amazing to me

((( Escottswanson ))) I can picture your bmom; picture the moment when she knew what she must do. It's hard to describe that "moment of clarity" - guess that's the only way I can describe it anyhow. It was almost otherworldly to me in a way; like a massive shot of adreline strength and the resolve that came behind it. That's how it felt then.

Now with the many years behind me, I neither romanticize that moment nor hate myself in it. I now understand that I made the best possible choice in a small field of them.

By the way, your compassion? Your willingness to try to understand? Well, you're pretty amazing yourself.

Jackie

I sit and reflect on those times when we are caught..

And there are so many of them for so many people. Surreal locations; like hospital waiting rooms when a loved one is gravely ill; situations like that where a person feels on the precipice, powerless, faced with the understanding that life truly is beyond our control.

Loss of jobs, loss of homes, challenges to the "self" we think we are.

Then at those moments we often say, "I need to sit down for a moment. I need to think this through....sort it out."

The stoppage of time for a brief second or hour in order to catch one's breath....

Yes. You are so right, Jackie.

Much hugs to everyone!

[escottswanson]

Thanks Janey

I spent 13 years trying to find her to deliver my song... along the way I met some amazing people and also I think acquired a much deeper understanding of natural mothers. I know I'm sort of unusual, especially as a male adoptee... but failing in my quest to deliver my gratitude has really only galvanized my will to at least remind as many natural moms as I can that adoptees do sometimes have gratitude, respect, love, and appreciation for their circumstances...

[Janeytwo]

Dear "Escott",

Thank you for your kindness and for having the guts to come in here and hang with us women.

LOL! I'm sure it's not easy at times!

And it is nice to hear that someone is grateful. It means a lot! :-)

Merry Christmas to you!

[Monster]

Janey

I think in some ways everyone wanted to say something like this or can relate but thank you for putting into words for us to read i love it

[Whirled_Peas]

Y'know, with a little rewriting this could be published as a poem.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Whirled_Peas,

Thanks for the kudos!! :-)