[ligno]

I gave up my two toddler girls for adoption in '00. It's been horrible. I didn't listen to my gut.. things could have been okay. I want to evaporate from this nightmare!

[agathaj]

Hugs to you

[Monster]

ligno,
Hugs to you please dont punish yourself.

[C_Amos]

Originally Posted by ligno

I gave up my two toddler girls for adoption in '00. It's been horrible. I didn't listen to my gut.. things could have been okay. I want to evaporate from this nightmare!

I am sorry that you are suffering. You said things 'could have been okay'. I am sure that at the time you made your decision you saw that things maight not have been ok. I am sure that was not an easy decision to make, but you made it. I believe that in makeing that choice you were choosing to put your children first.

I am sure it is hard for you, but for what it is worth I think it is a wonderful thing that you love you children enough to have given them a chance at a life that you were unable to give them.

I pray that you might take some comfort in that. I know that I am humbled by, and thankful for my own birthmothers sacrifice.

Putting her child above her own comfort is something that I do not know if I might have been selfless enough to do myself.

Blessings,

[Janeytwo]

Dear Ligno,

Hi. I'm Janey. I feel so much for you in the pain your are in now. It is such a powerful grief this grief, isn't it?

Please keep posting in here to find the love and support you need.

Much peace your way today,

[JustPeachy]

Ligno, I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. Have you been able to receive any sort of grief counseling over the years? Are you in contact at all with your children or was your adoption closed?

[ligno]

thanks, you all, for the kindness and support. I haven't been in counseling... sorely needed at this point obviously! It was an open adoption, and I found out a few months back that the girls have had issues resulting from the separation. (It is pretty severe... developmental affects.)
My grief was bad up to that point, but now, with the knowledge that the adoption actually harmed them... I am suffocating with regret. I don't know why I didn't know, or nobody told me, of these possible consequences. I appreciate the insights you've all had for me so far, thank you again!

[Jackiejdajda]

You can not go back and change things.. all you can do is work with right now..

Yes to therapy.. and then maybe you can help with the girls.. this when you can work through your own emotional well being..

There must have been a very good reason for you to give them up.. maybe seek those reasons to help yourself get right..

Jackie

[kakuehl]

I hear your pain as we all do. There is a saying, "Sin boldly and trust God (or pray) more boldly still." We make the best decision we can at the time and move forward. You can't undo the past. You are in the midst of the grief process, but if you do move beyond the place where you are, you will be unable to be there for the girls. Trusting God means letting go of the "If onlys" and the "what ifs". You can't go back. As others have said, seek counseling. Try to find a counselor who has experience with adoption "issues." Bromanchik is a good source of help. She has contacts through out the country. If you pm her she will help you.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by ligno

I gave up my two toddler girls for adoption in '00. It's been horrible. I didn't listen to my gut.. things could have been okay. I want to evaporate from this nightmare!

Knowing that others also have lived or are living this nightmare doesn't help. This is to say you are not alone.

The pain doesn't go away but it does recede and becomes livable. I can't say when this will happen.

Just live as best you can cry when you need too, find someone to hug and be as happy as you can allow yourself to be.


xxoxo Hugs for you

[cetalley]

Ligno, I too am a firstmom, and welcome to our forums. Please come, and know we are all here in basically the same shoes....just different sizes and colors. I , personally, do not look at my relinquishment, as HELL, but more so a type of pergatory. That of course is where you are "stuck", one cannot move forward, and most definately cannot go back. You have recieved some much wiser advice than I have to offer. I can say what you have already heard ....some days are better, and some just come around and smack you upside the head. I cannot imagine what you are feeling. By that I mean, I am sad that I relinquished newborn twin sons, I do not know what you must surely feel, by relinquishing toddlers. I did see you are feeling guilty about some issues they are now enduring, because YOU feel as if you have caused these issues. I ask, did you intentionally set out to muck-up their lives, and cause them sadness and hurt? NO YOU DID NOT! We only set out in life , to leave this world a little better than we found it. We as parents want nothing more than to raise our children with LOVE, respect and to be responsible adults, whom will then pass this on to the next generation. Please know, and I can tell, you have done nothing you cannot fix. Please get some support(i.e.-counseling), learn from your mistakes and then dive back in there ...for your daughters. " IT IS ONLY A MISTAKE IF YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM IT, IF YOU LEARN FROM IT ...IT IS A LESSON!'For no matter how much they are loved...they will always need you! So go get better, show them you will be there. Happy holidays, try to be good to yourself....hummmm words to live by! Blessings, C.J.