[SchmennaLeigh]

Guys, I'm feeling frustrated today.

The Munchkin's birthday is on Saturday.

I have done so much healing this year. It's been a hard year, a trying year. Things haven't been easy. In fact, some things have been very, very hard. But I've done so much healing work both with my therapist and on my own. I have pushed myself to look past the negatives and find positives in even the hardest of situations. I have recaptured joy in a relationship that has struggled. I have allowed myself to grieve but I have also allowed myself to rejoice. I haven't gotten caught up in any unhealthy activities. I did say a few things here and there that should have been thought through a bit more but I also recognized my faults, apologized for them and moved forward instead of dwelling on what I had done wrong. I have practiced the art of forgiveness not just of others but with MYSELF for the first time EVER.

I have been feeling so much better about things in general for months now.

And, bam, last night? A ton of bricks. Bam.

I don't quite understand it. I mean, part of me understands it. But the logical part of my brain that recognizes the work that I have done towards healing and acceptance this year does not understand. Shouldn't all of that work amounted to something even in light of this week? Shouldn't I be better able to cope with the memories and emotions that the birthday week brings up? Or would I really be worse off this week, this year, if I hadn't made all those positive changes?

It all feels for naught. I'm upset with myself that I'm so upset right now.

Is it just par for the course? Is this to be expected every year? Will her birthday week ever simply be a reason to rejoice instead of this complicated dichotomy of emotion? Will the healing work that I do every year ever make a difference when this week rolls around? Or am I doomed to feel this way one week a year?

[cetalley]

Jenna, I offer you lots of hugs....and more hugs.... ! I am sorry you are having a tough time this week, I do think that no matter how far we go, and no matter the reason for that distance...we will always fall back 3 steps. It is exhausting to say the least. I used to be very sad on my twins b-day, until I realized it was really one of the best days in my life. I still after 22 yrs shed my tears, and the week before is just a mess, but I shed my tears because I wish I could be the one there with them and be able to have just that 1 day to soak up their ever move. Alas this was not meant to be....but maybe 1 day....I have read many of your post and you have done very well in understanding AND living your journey, you will continue to do so. So bake her a cake, blow out her candle, and do what I would do...eat a pint of ice-cream...then hate yourself for doing it the next day! You deserve to have your feelings about munshkins b-day, so allow it!

[JustPeachy]

For me, the first birthday was very hard, but subsequent birthdays were not. Sometimes they would be a little "bitter-sweet," but mostly I would be thinking good thoughts for my son, wondering how he was celebrating and enjoying his birthday, and wishing him well. The memory of birthing him was never a painful one for me and I didn't dwell on relinquishment on his birthday. I don't know why, but I just didn't. Later, I met another birthmom in a support group, who said she would have a cake and light a candle and sing happy birthday to her child every year, and I thought that was such a wonderful idea, in that I could still celebrate his birthday, even from afar. So now I do similar things to acknowledge the day, either have a candle lit with his picture near, have some cake, a glass of wine and a toast, etc. I like to celebrate the day.

If you are feeling sad/depressed this week, just allow it. You have made great progress, but that doesn't mean you won't have times or days where difficult feelings will come up. For a lot of women, the birthday or birth-week really hits hard. IF you can manage it, try to do something special in your child's honor, even if it's just something really simple. It may help to develop a special tradition that will not focus on the loss, but the celebration of Munchkin's life.

[stinky_kitty]

For me it got easier as time went on. This birthday I will actually be spending with my son, so that will be a new experience for me.

[CalamityJane]

Birthdays have always been very difficult for me. The level of difficulty has varied over the years and I find some years more difficult than others.

So much happened in the period leading up to her birthday that I find an entire stretch of time up to and including her birthday puts me in a funk.

I think the best advice, at least for me, was that I had a right to be sad, depressed, frustrated and whatever. I was entitled to the emotions I felt. What I was going through was O.K. and I didn't owe it to anyone to put on a brave face and pretend like life was a basket of flowers. Once I was in a place where I no longer felt it was my duty to be strong, then it was easier for me to not only deal with my emotions, but heal somewhat.

I am still not O.K. with it, but I know that I am entitled to feel not O.K. and I do just that. It makes it easier to cope. Kind of like tearing a Band-aide off with one yank. It enables me to just get it out and move on.

You do know that what you're feeling is O.K., right? There is nothing wrong with your emotions and feeling as you do is perfectly in line with the emotions that one feels over the loss of parenting a child.

[thanksgivingmom]

So far (all two years) Cupcake's actual birthday has been okay. The days leading up to it or after it are a mess though. And actual Thanksgiving seems to always be harder than the 23rd.

((((((hugs))))))

[MommaKatja]

This year my son turned seven and it was the first year it wasn't devastatingly hard for me. It was still hard but not AS hard. I dont know if its the more time that has passed or that I'd had a visit about a month prior and so still felt very close to him.

I worry sometimes that my birthday week blues are a self fulfilling prophecy. I try to get myself prepared for the hard week to come so then I have a hard week. I dont know.

Many hugs, you are in my thoughts.

[bromanchik]

Oh Jenna. I hear you. 24 years later and the week of his birthday still sucks. Be good to yourself. It is an anniversary reaction.

[RavenSong]

Jenna, like Brenda just said, it's an anniversary reaction. My son will soon turn 37 years old, and we've been in reunion since he was 18. I still have a hard time the week of his birthday. It's not quite as hard as it was when he was a child. But it still throws me for a loop every year.

Be good to yourself...pamper yourself in some nice way on Munchkin's special day.

This, too, shall pass...

[C_Amos]

I replied, but it seems to have disappeared so I will try again.

I am so sorry to hear that the anniversary is as difficult for you as it is. Please know, as one adult adoptee, that I remember my birth mother every year on my birthday. I give thanks for her sacrifice, and am thankful for my life.

Real love can be real hard. I wish it were not so, and that you may experience peace. Thank you for carrying your child, and giving life. Please know you are in my prayers.

[kakuehl]

Ah, Jenna, it has nothing to do with the amount of work you have done or even if you are in reunion with your adult child (or as the others have shown an open adoption). D was 36 on my birthday in October... it was as always an emotional time for me. Getting upset with yourself doesn't help! It will pass. Our bodies (brains) know at some level. It's as if we have to acknowledge the anniversary. (It often happens when someone dies,too. As pastors we are taught to contact people on the birthday of a loved one, or the wedding anniversary. People are often down and don't realize why.)

Taking care of yourself means being gentle with yourself at this time of year. You will return to the progress you have made.

[taramayrn]

I think what you are feeling is very normal. Allow yourself to feel those feelings and be kind to yourself.

For me as the years go on the birthdays have gotten easier.

[lahdh4]

I am still waiting for it to get easier. I am finding some humor in the hospital experience as there was some but still have anger and disappointment and sorrow.
Just remember to take care of you.