[xximyourzeroxx]

So, it's been 2 days. 2 days since I left the hospital and my son. I placed him for adoption. I got to spend two wonderful days with him beforehand in the hospital. And I have been crying for two days. Every time I picture his cute little face it makes me cry. Every time I see my boyfriend (who is his father) I cry. Every time I see his picture, hat, blanket, or baby things I cry. I have been told it gets easier with time, but I know it will never go away. I am sad. I want him back in my arms. I chose an open adoption. I got to name him. I will get to visit him several times a year. But it's not the same. I am making a scrapbook, and having an engraved locket made with his picture, to try and ease my pain. But it's so hard. Where do I go from here? How can I stop crying?

[lglysson]

when, but I don't. I do know you will get through it. You will be okay. I am a birth mom to an 18 year old. I still miss her, but I don't regret my choice. I still cry for her, but I wouldn't change things. I am thankful that you have an open adoption. For your sake, please keep it open. In the future you may decide to pull back, just don't close doors. There are many amazing women here who will support you.

I know just how you feel. Please find a local support group. Or at least someone you can talk to in person, too. That helped me. Keep coming here to. You can find many to help you.
Love and blessings...

[Jackiejdajda]

I do not think you can stop the pain.. I think we have to travel through it..
There is a trick.. a different way with this kind of grief.. you have suffered a great loss and I know we all need to honor your loss..
I did not honor my grief when I gave my son up for adoption..

Maybe you can keep a journal of your grief.. your thoughts your feelings a photo..

And I am so sorry for your loss.. so very very sorry.. I am sorry you have to join with us who have surrendered..


Jackie

[Sunnylove]

I wish I would have had an open adoption with my biological mother. When I was born she didn't know that she had that right. I was grew up wondering where I came from, who looked like, etc. Please keep the adoption open. It will be hard to see other people raising your child, but it will also help you to see that he is okay and that you made the right decision. Also, as he gets older and has questions, he will be able to come straight to you and ask you. So many of us do not have that option. We have to spend years trying to find our birth parents and some of us never do.

[Janeytwo]

Hey there.

Jackie's right. I also am so very sorry you had to join us here. Wish no woman had to do that. :-(

Just wanted to extend a smile and a much-needed hug your way.

Hang in there and keep posting

[xximyourzeroxx]

Originally Posted by Sunnylove

I wish I would have had an open adoption with my biological mother. When I was born she didn't know that she had that right. I was grew up wondering where I came from, who looked like, etc. Please keep the adoption open. It will be hard to see other people raising your child, but it will also help you to see that he is okay and that you made the right decision. Also, as he gets older and has questions, he will be able to come straight to you and ask you. So many of us do not have that option. We have to spend years trying to find our birth parents and some of us never do.

I am sorry that you could not have an adoption that was open. I never want him to suffer that pain. I always want to be there. It's still hard though because as I met with them before I left the hospital I was torn up inside watching them hold him. It made me happy but it hurt. But I would never ever close the adoption. He is my life. I don't feel like any less of a mother. Because me and his father will always be there for him. I just want him back so bad. But I know this is best.

[xximyourzeroxx]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I do not think you can stop the pain.. I think we have to travel through it..
There is a trick.. a different way with this kind of grief.. you have suffered a great loss and I know we all need to honor your loss..
I did not honor my grief when I gave my son up for adoption..

Maybe you can keep a journal of your grief.. your thoughts your feelings a photo..

And I am so sorry for your loss.. so very very sorry.. I am sorry you have to join with us who have surrendered..


Jackie

I do feel like I am grieving. People don't seem to understand I need time, they are trying to rush me back to being normal old me. I try to tell them that it feels like how it would feel if you just went into a hospital and snatched someone's baby. Thats how I feel. I know it was my choice but that doesn't make it okay emotionally to me.

[quantum]

You ARE grieving. I don't care what anyone else says, I don't care how much this was YOUR decision, it's hard.
I'm not sure it really gets easier, it just gets a little different.
We're here though to tell you you are not alone, you can make it through this. We'll help you as much as we can.

[AlisonMarie]

It does get easier, the pain never competely stops, but you learn how to cope. And you'll have good days and bad days. Counseling really helped me sort through my feelings after the adoption, but I didn't start going until about a year after. I do feel happy that my son is probably very well cared for and loved, but it still hurts. I got really jealous of teenage moms, who kept their babies, and were doing okay. I still get jealous sometimes.

And people will expect you to bounce back, but remind them that you can't. My parents wanted me to be the old me, but I couldn't. I was really withdrawn after and depressed, for a long time. My son's adoption is semi-open, but became closed at my parents wishes. I wish I did get to see him, or hear updates, as hard as it is, I think it's easier than not knowing at all.

[Jackiejdajda]

xximyourzeroxx

I do feel like I am grieving. People don't seem to understand I need time, they are trying to rush me back to being normal old me. I try to tell them that it feels like how it would feel if you just went into a hospital and snatched someone's baby.

Standing up and saying “You need to hear me!” is very important.. It took me over twenty years to finally say those words.. Some never say them.. Some of us kept the secret and our quiet for years.. a terribe terrible thing to do in my opinion..

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book.. On Grief and Grieving.. the stages of grief are…

………denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

This from a review of the book written by David Kessler..

The authors state that, "if you do not take the time to grieve, you cannot find a future in which loss is remembered and honored without pain."

So maybe getting that book and reading it as a guide on how to honor your grief and in turn you can give it to others who want you to rush through your grief..

Jackie

[AlisonMarie]

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book.. On Grief and Grieving.. the stages of grief are…

………denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

This from a review of the book written by David Kessler..

The authors state that, "if you do not take the time to grieve, you cannot find a future in which loss is remembered and honored without pain."

So maybe getting that book and reading it as a guide on how to honor your grief and in turn you can give it to others who want you to rush through your grief..

I think this is really important to share. I had all those feelings, but I was never "allowed" by my parents to feel them. I was told to get over it, and I never did grieve the way I should have. If I was crying I was told it was my own fault, and I should have just had an abortion. My feelings were never validated, and for that, I find myself almost 12 years later, emotionally damaged, and unable to open up. So YES, allow yourself to grieve, it's a loss like any other.

[JustPeachy]

This is very hard what you are going through. You must allow yourself to grieve and if others in your life don't understand (and unfortunately, many won't), you will need to find support on your own, whether that be through private counseling, an adoption support group, coming here, or all of the above.

The first year for me was the very hardest, and even though it was my choice and I really was going for adoption from the get-go, it still hurt. People think because it was your decision, it shouldn't be painful, and that is plain ridiculous. You suffered a terrible loss, no matter what. I had semi-open, and that helped me to know my son was ok and seeing pictures and getting updates, etc., but it was still very hard. The counseling really helped me, and my agency did provide very good post-adoption counseling. I also got private counseling later on and currently attend a triad support group. Writing my feelings in a journal really helped a lot, too, as did writing poetry, drawing and listening to music.

Everyone grieves in their own way, and there is no timetable. Right now, it's very, very raw. The first year, as I said, was the hardest for me, but I did go back to work, and was lucky to have some friends who listened to me and supported me. I do not regret my decision, though sometimes I regret my circumstances.

Just know we understand and are here for you.

[Godslittlequeen]

I had a son on January 8 1979 and i had to give it up at birth and now I am beginning to search for him. Has anyone have any ideas on how I can do that. Please e,ail me at Godslittlequeen@yahoo.com

[xximyourzeroxx]

Thank you for all of your advice. It's been almost two weeks, and I still feel like I don't want to leave my room. And I rarely do. I've been taking it easy, I don't have to return to work yet. But I feel depressed and unmotivated. I think about him everyday. My boyfriend who is the father seems to be able to cope with this so much better than I can. And I don't know how he does it. He says he thinks about him sometimes, and feels sad. But he doesn't constantly think about him. Thats part of what I am afraid of. I want to be able to get to the point where I don't feel sad about it anymore, but I don't want to forget him. I think that's impossible but I am afraid that I could. I have a very bad memory. I can't remember a lot of things. I am afraid that somehow the parents who adopted him won't keep their word and let me see him often. I have bad anxiety, so usually this is all me thinking too much into it and panicking. But I am really afraid of losing him, and I am afraid of everyone not being sensitive about it. Anything having to do with pregnancy, having a baby, and babies upsets me. I can't see it on tv, I can't see it when I go out, I can't see it at work (I work where there are a lot of children). It all makes me very upset. I feel like I am going crazy.

[stinky_kitty]

((hugs)) You're not going crazy. My son will be 15 in about a month and I still think about him every single day. I still have days where it makes me really sad, it'll always be that way for me.

It's just one of those things that will take time and the vast majority of people are never going to understand what you're going through.

My best advice is to let yourself work through your feelings, and don't let anybody tell you that you should've "moved on" by now, or that it shouldn't hurt you anymore.