[JustPeachy]

My boyfriend who is the father seems to be able to cope with this so much better than I can. And I don't know how he does it. He says he thinks about him sometimes, and feels sad. But he doesn't constantly think about him.

He didn't carry him for 9 months in his body and nurture him and bond with him the same way a woman does. Sorry if that sounds sexist, but it's just not the same for a guy as it is for a woman who carried the baby in her body all that time and has tons of hormones rushing through her after delivery that make her bond even more strongly with her baby. I'm not dismissing your boyfriend, and he will grieve in his own way, but you cannot compare your grief to his. This will take time for you and you cannot expect to just be "over it."

[xximyourzeroxx]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

He didn't carry him for 9 months in his body and nurture him and bond with him the same way a woman does. Sorry if that sounds sexist, but it's just not the same for a guy as it is for a woman who carried the baby in her body all that time and has tons of hormones rushing through her after delivery that make her bond even more strongly with her baby. I'm not dismissing your boyfriend, and he will grieve in his own way, but you cannot compare your grief to his. This will take time for you and you cannot expect to just be "over it."

I know that. But it's hard because I feel like almost two weeks after it we are on a completely different page. He wants the old me to just come back. I feel depressed and I don't want to do anything. And I don't want him to dismiss all thought of our son. I am sure things will be a tiny bit better when I go back to work, I will be doing things again instead of doing nothing. But I don't think I'll be as happy as I was before. And I am worried I will have changed too much.

[thanksgivingmom]

xx - I read what you're writing and I cannot BELIEVE it's been almost two years to the day since I was writing similar words.

My daughter was born on thanksgiving 2006 - and I came here after her birth for support. Today, I've got the best friends and the best support I could ask for.

Be good to yourself and ALLOW yourself to grieve, to miss him, to feel all the things you're feeling. (This is something that it takes a while to learn to do...I'm still working on it).

While other posters are right in that your boyfriend doesn't have that connection from carrying your son for 9 months - guys also process things differently. Heck, PEOPLE process things differently. Some people "deal" with their sadness by denying their feelings. He may be dismissing thoughts of your son, but he may not. He may just be dealing in his own way. We might not understand it as it's not OUR way, but it's a possibility.

((((hugs))))

[4everyellowskz]

I wanted to pass along a link to another well respected expert in grief and loss, Alan Wolfelt. The following link is to an article entitled: The Journey Through Grief:
The Mourner's Six "Reconciliation Needs". While he is talking about death in his article, you can replace your loss experience. Center For Loss: For people who are grieving and those who want to help them

The reality is loss is loss whether it is the physical death of a person, the loss one experience's through relinquishing a child, the loss the adoptive couple experiences when they are unable to have a biological couple, divorce, moving, etc. I hope you find this article. The first section doesn't fit exactly to the loss birthmother experiences, but I was able to reframe it in the sense that while my son may come back into my life in the future, it will not be the same relationship I had with him while I carried him in utero. And it's that reality that I have to confront. I also think it's important that the article clarifies the difference between grief and mournng, two very distinct processes. And while Kubler-Ross offers us the "what to possibly expect", there is not exact formula to the grief process. It's individual for everyone and it's okay to cry. Sometimes you may feel like you're not sure if you even have enough tears left to continue crying, but as cliche as it may sound, tears are healing. Also, counseling can be helpful and it wouldn't be a bad idea if you continue to feel "depressed". Having a safe place to share your thoughts and feelings can be empowering and comforting as you walk along this life-changing journey.