[heartlistener]

In a conversation with my daughter the other day, she made a reference to my relinquishment of her as being "an amazingly unselfish choice." Without blinking, I looked her square in the face and reminded her, "I didn't have a choice." (Like so many birthmoms, I felt coerced into surrendering her - I was abandoned by my boyfriend with both my parents refusing to help me if I had decided to parent her myself).

Her response to my reminder that I didn't really have a choice in her relinquishment? "Oh, yeah, that's right." (Meaning she forgot!)

The sad thing is, she knows my story - I've told her, though I haven't made a big deal out of it b/c I don't think it's appropriate to. It hurts me that she can't even remember the truth of my side of the adoption experience.

So rather than dwelling on my hurt and allowing it to fester, I told her that her comment hurt me, and she admitted that she blocks the truth of my pain b/c for her, her adoption into a loving family was a happy experience, and she would rather believe it was happy for all of us.

I am happy she was adopted into a loving family (how awful if she hadn't been!) but I feel somewhat negated by her "forgetting" that all wasn't so rosy on my end of things.

I think what this reminds me of is all the people who told me (after I relinquished her) to "put this experience behind me" and "to move on."

It just hurts.

[quantum]

I get it! I do...of course it hurts.

I guess in my case, I constantly have to remind myself that the hard stuff about relinquishment is MY stuff to deal with. Not my son's stuff to deal with. I just don't even talk about it with him.

But please, don't feel negated! Your feelings are absolutely valid! We were told so many lies about how we could move on etc. We were never told how much this would hurt. It's frustrating! I guess I'm just saying, please don't take it too hard that your daughter can't deal with it, doesn't want to deal with it, whatever.
Heck, that's what we're here for!

(((((heartlistener))))

[Janeytwo]

(((( Heartlistener ))))

I think what this reminds me of is all the people who told me (after I relinquished her) to "put this experience behind me" and "to move on."

This "fate" (maybe that's a good word for it).....this fate of being a birthmother.....it's a lonely one. It is a road few choose to walk and I'm beginning to suspect that that frightens people.

You know, I am remembering when I tried reaching out to my mother after leaving the hospital. I told her how much the impending adoption was hurting me; how hard it was to do. She simply said, "You made your bed, now lie in it."

I have since learned that she was being torn up inside watching me go through everything and that the only response she could muster was to distance herself; get hard and mean. She has admitted to me recently that it was the same response she had during all the bombing she endured as a child!!

Which pretty much speaks volumes to me. Here, my mother, a victim of a terrible war likens the loss of my children to her experience of hiding underground while bombs dropped, praying to God to live another minute. She likens the loss of my children to the long years of extreme starvation she and her family endured. She likens it to the depth-of-the-heart fear she held of the Nazis.

That says a lot doesn't it?

War is the ultimate form of child abuse and my mother carried that abuse with her; teaching her children that there was no God, no life after death, that no one could be trusted really, that everyone had an angle and that the mission in life was to survive at all costs. She is now 70 years old and is only beginning to awaken from those long-held illusions.

And in watching her journey, the thing I ask myself is how does a person come out of such hell and have a whole relationship with her children? I suppose the answer is they don't; not right away. We each of us bring our pain with us along the winding path of life. The trick, and this is dang near impossible some days, is to recognize past pain and try our ****dest not to let it shadow the relationships we try to garner with the people we love in the now.

Never easy; never. That's why I continue to post in here because through my mother and her actions, I am learning that I too carry deep emotional scars and that if I'm not aware of them, if I don't acknowledge their existence? Well then I might just carry them with me into an uncertain future.

No judgement of you meant. I am double-surrenderer and understand the long, cold shadow of adoption.

You are like many of us in here from all sides of adoption. You are looking for someone to say, "I see your pain and understand it and I empathize completely."

(((( Heartlistener )))) I do see...I understand and I do empathize completely.

Keep posting. We will be here.

[kakuehl]

Quantum's words are wise. My decision was my own, I was not forced to place him, and it still hurt when D told me he thought I'd made the right decision! How long have you been in reunion with your daughter? How old is she? Both factors may play into her inability to hear and remember your story. She had a good experience and to admit to herself that you didn't, may create more guilt in her than she can deal with right now.

As Quantum says, come here to share your very valid feelings of pain, hurt, grief. Try to let the past go and get to know this woman who is flesh of your flesh.

[JustPeachy]

You know, I am remembering when I tried reaching out to my mother after leaving the hospital. I told her how much the impending adoption was hurting me; how hard it was to do. She simply said, "You made your bed, now lie in it."

I have since learned that she was being torn up inside watching me go through everything and that the only response she could muster was to distance herself; get hard and mean.

I had a similar experience w/my mom. Not more than 2 weeks after I had my son, sick with grief, crying every night, and trying to turn to her for comfort, which she couldn't give to me, she blurted out "I thought you'd be over this by now!" Yeah. Right. 2 weeks post-partum, raging hormones, separated from my child, and I should just be over it. And this is coming from someone who HAD CHILDREN!! I've often wondered how those who knew what giving birth and raising kids was like could honestly think we could "move on and forget about it." I wonder if they could even CONTEMPLATE giving up their children! But I do know that she was reacting out of her own inability to comfort me. In her own frustration at not being able to do anything to ease my pain (and who could, really?), she said those words. I never gave a moment's thought, either, to the fact that she lost her first and only grandchild, as I was too immersed in my own pain. So even though she didn't show it, I'm sure she was grieving too.

In my case, it was my choice to relinquish, although that choice was based on my having not the best circumstances and very limited support. Had things been different, I may have made a different choice, but I had to work with the cards that were in front of me, not with what I wish had been. Given that it was my choice, and I KNOW I made the right decision, it still stings to hear anyone say "you did the right thing." I dunno. In some way it makes me feel inadequate. And sometimes, I feel (and maybe this is just me) that there is a hint of condescension in that kind of statement. I couldn't do it. Someone else could. And they did it better than I could have. Then again, they had the resources, were ready to be parents, etc.

I don't think your daughter meant this in a mean way, but I can still understand why it hurts. And I think it is good you got it off your chest rather than letting it fester. However, I would try to not dwell on this with your daughter or let it negatively affect your reunion. She is processing her own difficult emotions too, and it is most important right now for her to handle her own feelings, and not feel like she has to also be responsible for yours (I hope that doesn't sound too harsh). For her, feeling like you did the right thing (choice or not) helps her to put her adoption experience in perspective, in a way that makes sense to her. It is good that she knows how you feel about this, but it is obviously too painful for her to really absorb that you did not have a choice in the matter, and that this decision, made for you by others, really causes you so much pain. And to be honest, even when it is your choice, as in my case, that doesn't mean it is not without pain. That is the one thing about relinquishing a child that is so hard to explain to my friends/family. That you can be feeling so many mixed feelings at once. Joy and pain can go hand in hand. Like you, I'm happy my son had/has a good family, but sad that I couldn't raise him. I know I made the right decision, but it hurts to have other people say that to me. There are so many incongruent things that we birthmothers feel and coupled with the fact that most people have great difficulty understanding what we've been through, society doesn't accept us, etc., it's amazing we can put ourselves together after going through this!

Have you been working with a counselor at all to help sort through your feelings? Especially in reunion, I think it's very important. And as much as you are in pain over her comment, and the fact that her adoption caused you great sorrow, try to focus as much as you can on this moment forward. And yes, I know it's easier said than done!

[julie23]

my story is similar... in terms of having no support.... feeling like i had no choice but to place.... although, i now realize that i only "felt" like i didn't have a choice... looking back, i realize that, yes... i could have chosen to be homeless....without basic needs for a baby... for myself... and see where the cards may fall... but it sure didn't feel like a choice... i guess, the choice was i wanted better for her... than what i could offer without any help from my family...

but your post made wonder something... when a birthmother says "I didn't have a choice." when it comes to relinquishing... do our relinquished children believe us? or do they think it's a cop out...? i am not adopted... but i am raising a baby that was adopted... and i am a birthmother... and i have been here for years...

and i think if i were adopted... that i might not believe a birthmother who said she didn't have a choice...

i think i would discredit that statement in my mind... and i might even think, inside of my head... "no one held a gun to your head when you signed the papers."

and then... the next question... so, if i (the birthmother) would have chosen the homeless route... and it didn't go so well... and the state took you away from me... would that have been easier for you to accept?

i might ask the question on the adoptee board... and see what they think.... i am curious.

[RavenSong]

Well said, Julie. You've brought up some really interesting perspectives as far as the "no choice" thing goes. No matter how much pressure I was under, it was my decision to place my son in the end. And it was my signature on those relinquishment papers. I'd be interested to see some adoptee responses to what you've brought up.

[-maggie]

Heartlistner,

I completely understand and feel for your pain.

In my reunion, I have found that it helps to talk to dh about my conversations with our bdaughter and get his perspective on her words. Usually, I find that I am too sensitive (understandably). She doesn't mean to hurt me, but sometimes it does. I am finding that there are certain words or phrases that definately sting more than others. I am lucky to have dh to take all of my frustration. Sometimes it's hard for me to see things from her perspective.

Talking here or to someone in person may help....

I know that the phrase "amazingly unselfish choice" was something that my bdaughters aparents used. Perhaps your daughter is simply repeating what she has heard many times over the years.... just a thought. If this what she has heard and repeated during her entire lifetime, I can see how it can be easy to repeat it even though she has heard your story. Sometimes it can be hard to change your way of thinking! (I hope that makes sense!)

Our reunion is new and it has been a fine line in keeping the extent of my pain from her yet letting her know that it hasn't been a piece of cake! I don't know if it will get easier but I hope so!

I hope you feel better soon!

[RavenSong]

Heartlistener and Maggie, it does get easier with time. I reunited with my son almost 19 years ago. I remember being so oversensitive the first year or so. As the years go by and you develop a good, sound relationship with your grown children, you'll find that adoption doesn't enter the conversation very often.

It takes a while before you don't feel like you're walking on eggshells every time you open your mouth. But that day will come eventually. It just takes time.

[-maggie]

Oh THANKS Raven that is wonderful news! I hope to be there someday. I am just taking this reunion one day at a time with all its ups and downs!

[elena13]

Heartlistner.. I hear you.. I too have been hurt by my daughter's words. My daughter found me on Sept 19. She is 18 years old and just started college. She has not wanted to meet me f/f. We have been sending emails and text messages back and forth and lately I noticed she was a little cold and short with me, so I asked her what was wrong, she responded that she could not be close to me like if shes known me all her life, that she had no idea who I was for 18 years and that I couldn't expect much from her b/c I gave her away. My story is alot like yours I was 16, my boyfriend wanted no part in being a parent and my mother forced me to give her up for adoption. I have never been able to have children again, so she is my only child. She also said that if I wanted children so badly, then I should adopt and return the favor, when I told her I didn't want to adopt she told me she was offended. I explained that she shouldn't be offended (adoption is not for everyone) and since I am a birthmother and went through the whole adoption thing, I didnt and couldn't adopt. Since that e-mail two days ago, I havent heard back from her. I don't know what to do? or Should I do anything at all? Please help

[lvnlfe]

Hi Elena...

Hang in there...the beginning stages of reunion are hard, and remember she is only 18. There is a honeymoon stages, denial stage, fearful stage, etc, etc..

I have been in reunion for about 17 months now, and my daughter is a little older 24 now. We still have moments whereby we are starting to get closer, and then the pull backs again. Says hurtful things, boy do they hurt.

I feel the key is just to be patient and just let her know when she is ready that you will be there for her. With no expectations. Just be there for her even if it is just small talk for a while, and have her know you are not going anywhere, you will not leave her again.

Let her absorb things in her time frame. I am sure she not only has a life with starting college, but has to process things in her own way.

My prayers are with you....

[heartlistener]

Thanks for everyone's responses. After I spoke with my 25 y/o daughter and she apologized for "forgetting" my side of the adoption experience, I felt better. I understand it is difficult for her to hear and accept my pain and I usually don't go there with her - it is not her job to take care of me, plus I want to make the most of the present.

I think her comment hurt me for 2 reasons - one, it reminds me of all the years I put on a happy face and pretended that my relinquishment of her really didn't negatively affect me. I believe I don't overly dwell on the pain of my surrender of her, but I refuse to act like it was a piece of cake. If I did, I would be living a lie, and it is very important to me to be honest with myself and the world.


But you are right, Raven, in questioning my allegation that I had no choice. In the end, I did have a choice. I just didn't feel like I did at the time (I was 20). Believe me, it has taken me many years and lots of therapy to begin to learn to forgive myself.

I think the second reason her comment bothered me is that, according to her, her adoption was 100% positive, and I don't believe that was so. (When we saw the movie The Secret Life of Bees where Dakota Fanning's character loses her mom, my daughter cried and cried and CRIED. I kept feeding her kleenexes and finally reached over and held her hand thru the rest of the movie. Afterwards I said to her (and I've said this to her before in our 4 1/2 years reunion), "I am open to hearing whatever pain or anger you might have toward me or about growing up with a family who has no biological ties to you," and of course her response was, "I have no pain or anger about being adopted."

!!!!!

I didn't argue with her, I know I need to let her "be" where she is emotionally, but it takes a lot of energy to be a part of her world where everything is wonderful. Plus I believe we might actually grow closer if she were able to be open with me about whatever negative feelings she might actually have about being adopted.

But she is not there yet. That is OK, but I don't want her to expect me to be in the same place as her where everything about adoption is wonderful. It wasn't, not for me.

[Janeytwo]

Hey everybody!

Thought I'd ramble on here and respond. Oh goody, huh? Let's see...

JustPeachy

Given that it was my choice, and I KNOW I made the right decision, it still stings to hear anyone say "you did the right thing." I dunno. In some way it makes me feel inadequate. And sometimes, I feel (and maybe this is just me) that there is a hint of condescension in that kind of statement.

I know exactly what you mean, Peachy. And I hate to open a HUGE can of wormies here but when have you ever heard anyone say that to a woman who's chosen to terminate her pregnancy? Who says to that poor woman, "You did the right thing."

That probably doesn't sound like a legitimate argument but really, I don't think there's any difference because neither one of us needs to hear someone else say what they "think" in regards to such pain.

What we need to hear is, "That must've been really hard for you", or, "I am so sorry you had to go through that. Would you like to talk about it maybe?" Not, "you did the right thing".

Yeah no s**t I did the right thing! Thanks for letting me in on that secret, genius! I humbly bow to your superior self!


Of course, yes, I understand that people are trying to be kind versus the ones who've called me slut, backward and a couple of other names I won't mention here. But saying to someone, "You did the right thing" over an issue like adoption? Well, to me, that's like going to a funeral, standing at the casket and saying to a family member, "Oh, you're loved one looks sooooo good!"

Everyone here's had that one happen haven't they? Let me ask ya people....who the frig looks good when they're dead?!! I want people to come to my funeral and say, "She's looked better." LOL! But invariably someone will say, "She looks soooooo good!" Good grief!! Of course, I'm assuming here that anyone will actually attend my funeral!

Ahhh...I feel better now!

Love you guys!

[franwood]

I am 61 years old, adopted when I was 10 months old, and I must admit that I was mystified when I read that an adopted child telling her birth mother that she had made "an amazingly unselfish decision" was hurtful to her. I guess if I ever met my birth mother I might say the same thing to her, thinking I was giving her a great compliment and that that remark would be comforting and gratifying to her----that it showed my appreciation to her for letting me be placed in the loving family who adopted me. My saying this may not help, but I thought it might give you a perspective of what your birth daughter might have meant by the comment. It would be a shame if you were hurt by what she meant as an affirmation of your strength ---and unselfishness.