[sjanae76]

I hope this doesn't come off as selfish in any way, but I was just wondering what other birthparents' experiences were in getting assistance with basic needs. I had met with an agency rep. who told me that, when I was further along in my pregnancy, they could help out with any living expenses and maternity clothing if I needed it. The couple we chose is, unfortunately, not with the same agency. Finding the couple who best matched our needs and desires for our baby was the top priority when we chose the a-parents. I wasn't really concerned with the financial aspects of the whole arrangement. I guess I just assumed I'd be taken care of.

I have since asked the agency if they could help us with our utilities since we had a shut-off notice but they said they couldn't help us because of state regulations. And just last week I asked for help with maternity clothes. I have one pair of pants and they are too small now. I'm only going to get bigger! I just don't understand why one agency said upfront that they could help if we needed it, and now this agency is saying the complete opposite.

I want to be clear that I do not want to profit from this at all. I only want to have my basic needs met. I kind of feel like I'm getting screwed here. The adoptive parents are getting the baby they want; the agency has probably gotten a lot of money from this couple; but I can't even have a pair of pants? Some days I just cry and cry. I know I'm hormonal and all, but if this is how all birthmothers are treated I just don't know how adoptions go through.

Oh, and as a side note, I checked the agency's rating and not too many people had anything good to say. . .

[quantum]

I don't really know, it was a long time ago!
The first agency I went to then though offered a lot of help. Not financial, but I know they talked about housing expectant mothers with prospective a-parents. NOT the parents that would have that baby, but as a way to have two sides of the triad to understand what each other were going through. I wonder if that would work.
Anyway, they definately talked about things like medical costs and so on.

The agency I ended up going with provided nothing.

I hope you can get some help.

[belleinblue1978]

I wouldn't have accepted anything, I didn't want to be beholden to anyone. Go to your state Social Services office and see what kind of help you can get from the state, you may be surprised. Really, your agency should be helping you with that.

Also, different agencies do different things. Some agencies make promises of lots of help to reel expectant parents in.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm going to be honest. If you're running into these problems now, think of what mishandlings are to come. And these? Are the minor issues. These aren't the make-or-break deal things. If they're lying, misrepresenting themselves or otherwise being shady with regard to what they did or did not say or did or did not promise, how are they going to be honest when it comes to the legal matter of relinquishment?

Have they been up front with you about the laws concerning open adoption in your state? Do they offer post-placement counseling (more than four times?)? Are you being represented by an attorney of your own or are you relying on them to be honest about your legal rights? If so, you need to rethink this agency.

Let me understand this quickly: You're going through an agency. The family you have chosen has not paid any money into this agency? Then, by all means, get out. Yesterday. Severing ties with an agency as an expectant parent considering adoption is and is not easy, all at the same time. If you start neglecting to answer their phone calls, they will just keep calling. You may have to serve them with a cease and desist letter to get them off your back.

All the same, I'd really use these moments to consider how you, your rights, your child and your child's rights are going to be considered and/or protected in the months to come. Finding the right family is one part of the puzzle. But finding respectful people to work with you is another piece.

Best of luck.

[BrandyHagz]

Call around to local Crisis Pregnancy Centers - most of them have a 'closet' with used maternity clothing and even baby clothing and gear.

Is there a medical reason why you can't meet your own basic needs, by working?

Please, do yourself a huge favor, STOP NOW with assumptions that things will be a certain way. Ask questions, get answers and if they are important enough to you (the questions/answers) GET THEM IN WRITING!

It is not unheard of for an agency to promise the moon and stars (to both sides) only to have things go bad in the end.

It is also not unheard of to have the law in your state interpreted differently depending on the agency you speak with and sometimes, as frustrating as it is, even the different employees within the agency.

My advice, don’t rely on people who are financially motivated by your pregnancy to make sure you’re fully informed about the laws in your state. Research them yourself, know them, learn them and cite them when needed.

Please, don’t misinterpret my post as ‘anti-adoption’ (a common problem, sadly) – I am very much ‘pro-adoption’ – but I am even more pro-allowing a woman to make a fully informed decision based on actual facts and not ones opinion of how things *should* be.

Learn the facts and the law. Please. It will save you a lot of potential heartache later on.

[sjanae76]

Well, we had a meeting yesterday and it seems that in my state (Ohio) only medical expenses and those specifically related to the adoption itself are allowed. I feel better about the agency now. I don't feel like they are trying to take advantage of me. I am, however, now disappointed in my state's government. (And the first agency for getting the idea in my head. Don't know how they get away with it.) Like I said, I realize that the government cannot allow a woman to profit in any way in giving her baby up for adoption. Who knows how many people would get pregnant on purpose if that were the case? I just think that the birthmother should be helped out with any basic needs that she might need assistance with. What if she were a single mother unable to work due to the pregnancy?

I'm glad no one took offense to what I asked. I'm new at this.

[jp4ga]

If you are having a difficult time food, clothing and utilities are reasonable. It would be so much easier if the laws were the same state by state. Have you looked into local organizations that may be able to help you out. I know that our town has a MUST Ministry, and they ask no questions, people can go in and get food, clothing and other items that are needed. I hope that things start to get better for you.

[sjanae76]

Well, I went to Birthright on Saturday and they actually had some stuff that fits me! I'm a little less stressed now that I have a choice of what to wear. . .of things that fit! These maternity undies are so sexy too! :P