[Emberbit]

I’m not actually sure where to put this…

7 months ago, I placed for adoption at birth. It’s an open adoption and things are going well. I had things “easy” as far as placing because while I lacked the support and emotional resources to parent, I have a safe home and didn’t’ have to hide the pregnancy or my feelings. I explored the possibility of parenting carefully before making my decision and I know all of the available resources for pregnant women and new mothers in my area.

My house is a duplex that had a wall knocked out between them to make it one house but it’s still essentially 2 houses with 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 kitchens, 2 living rooms, 2 sets of stairs to the second floor. (I inherited the house but can barely afford the taxes.) Anyway, it doesn’t matter.

I have extra space and would hardly notice an extra person. After a conversation with someone who told me that “with only a little support and help she could have parented but was living in agency housing because she didn’t have anywhere else to go after being kicked out of her dorm and didn’t feel that she had a choice once she accepted that help, I was thinking that I could offer a little support to a young pregnant someone who doesn’t know what they want to do. I’ve had roommates before so it wouldn’t be something to new and I’d want someone who would agree to the same “rules” that my previous roommates agreed to and wouldn’t be bothered by my pets.

I don’t want to do foster care, I’m too young to be mom to the age of person I’m thinking about, late teen to about my age. I don’t want to be a permanent place to live but for a few months or so while they make a firm decision either way without pressure or judgment and can save some money to move on with baby or make a more concrete decision to place.

Maybe I could put an ad on local college campuses or at the only local crisis pregnancy center that’s not an adoption agency or planned parenthood. I was thinking about craigslist but they have a strict policy of no discrimination and “pregnant person age 18-25 considering placing for adoption and needing support” seems a little odd and creepy. I can handle the extra utilities and such but would expect them to handle their other expense like food and be adult enough to not need constant supervision as I’m a busy girl. If they were willing to help with some stuff like letting the dogs out or tossing in a load of my laundry that would be awesome but isn’t really necessary.

If someone had offered you a quiet place to stay, rent-free during your pregnancy so you could have time to get things together and really explore all of the options, would you have accepted? Would it have changed your decision or helped you to be more at peace with your decision?

Or is this just a generally bad idea on my part?

[donnaparadise]

This question is in the Birthparent Support section so I want to be as supportive as possible in my response to you.

I'm really happy for you that your open adoption is working out well, and I notice from your signature that you are till lactating and are still providing substanance for your child.

You say you can barely afford the taxes on the home you inherited and that you would like to have a little 'help' from any prospective roommate, so I am assuming that financially you are not independently wealthy as few of us are.

Given all of this and the fact that you are so close to the date of your own relinquishment, I would suggest that while your motives and intentions are really admirable, it is far too early to be providing this kind of assistance to someone else who is going through their own emotional issues around adoption, relinquishment, keeping the child, parenting or not to parent, etc.

You sound pretty level headed and have worked through your decisions, however not all of us are at the stage you are talking about and you may find you have a lot more on you plate than you ever imagined.

I'm sure you could provide a safe environment for a young pregnant girl and many would welcome the opportunity and be appreciative, however if I were you, I would hold off for at least a year or two before putting yourself in this type of potential emotional quagmire that might distract you from some of the emotional issues that might come up for yourself in the next little while..

I'm not saying you are doomed to have emotional issues, just that it is very possible. Usually, if there are any, they come up a little later on and not right away. Having another young woman in you house and for whom you might feel a bit of responsibility might be more difficult for you than you can imagine as she will surely look to you for emotional, physical and perhaps financial support while waiting for the delivery, as well as afterwards.

I'm not saying I wouldn't do it if I were you, however I would wait at least a year or two until you yourself are financiallly secure, have few more years experience under your belt and have had some time being in an open adoption and all that entails.

Just my .02 worth as a much older birthmom.

[JustPeachy]

I can see a lot of potential problems with the situation, personally. I guess if I knew someone upfront who was already a friend or acquaintance, it would be easier to do this (although still not without potential problems), but if you are soliciting for someone that you don't know, how can you be sure that the free rent situation won't go on indefinitely or they won't take advantage of you in other ways?

Someone could come to you and say "oh, I just need a few months to decide" and then end up needing more time, and more time, and more time. Then you are in a position where you have to put out a woman with a little baby or essentially keep supporting someone indefinitely. What if she has no where else to go? I just wouldn't want to be responsible for her, and once you open that door, it would be hard to get her to leave if it was not her intention to do so.

I think your heart is in the right place, but I'm wondering why you feel you need to do this right now. I agree that it could be very emotional for you, with having a recent placement yourself. If you would like some companionship or extra help, why not just get a regular roomate?

I don't think having this sort of offer would have helped me, but would rather have just dragged out the inevitable (in my case). My mind was pretty much made up from the start. But for those who cannot decide, having the free rent and place to stay may not present a realistic situation, either. They will still need to get situated, get on their feet, find their own place, be able to afford their own rent, etc. That can take a long time, especially in this economy.

with only a little support and help she could have parented but was living in agency housing because she didn’t have anywhere else to go after being kicked out of her dorm and didn’t feel that she had a choice once she accepted that help

Maybe/maybe not. How does this person define "a little support and help"? It's hard to say if having a few months of living rent free would make a difference, but I would leave that up to professional places that offer these services to women in need, rather than setting up my own little "social service agency" in my own home. Just MHO.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Emberbit,

I agree with JustPeachy in that I'm wondering why you feel the need to do this.

No judgement of you meant because your heart is in the right place IMO, but are you perhaps thinking of making this generous offer because you are grieving in some way? I can tell you that it took me all of 31 years to finally grasp the pain that I was suffering from in the surrender of my son and daughter. Of course, that may not be the case with you but sometimes the mind hides pain from the heart in order to spare it; in order for us to function.

That said, as to your question. I can tell you in all honesty that I was young and in the street and having a place to stay for a while wouldn't have helped me. Financially perhaps I would've been safe for a time but only for a time.

Emotionally? I still would've been too young to make rational decisions for my children.

Also - oh man, I hope this doesn't sound skanky - but not everyone out there on the street has the best motives or intentions. You can't know people until you've known them awhile. A good friend would be a different story of course. But a total stranger?

Peachy's right. Let the Pros handle those folks.

But you know, you sound like a good person who would like to be of help to others. Perhaps you could contact your local City government office or local Salvation Army and ask if there is any type of volunteer work available. Usually there are lists of organizations looking for others to help.

That might be something to look into.

Wishing you a wonderful day today! :-)

[JustPeachy]

Janey made a good suggestion. You could volunteer to help others in need at a local social service agency or through a church or school, and make a difference that way, rather than opening up your home.