[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm not sure, myself. I think I fall somewhere in the middle.

I know, for a fact, that I can be dragged through the fire and make it out on the other side. With burns? Yes. With scars? Yes. Alive? Yes. So, stronger, yes, I can agree with.

Better is, however, a little harder to pin-point. Better how? I am less trusting. But I was made better by the existence of my daughter in the fact that I want to make her proud of me. Again, flipping it, I am living with lifelong grief and loss. But, again, flipping it, I feel blessed to have such an amazing girl in my life at all. I'm thinking that the "better" is a toss up. To put it simply: I AM better for having known her. But it has not bettered every aspect of my life.

More tolerant? Hmm. As I said, I'm less trusting. And am now frequently on the receiving end of a lot of criticism and judgment. I do think, because of those judgments, I may be compassionate towards others who are more prone to such judgments. (Other young mothers, other birth parents, adoptees' plights, adoptive parents who get grief for caring about birth parent and adoptee rights, and, of course, those outside of the adoption world that are treated just as poorly.) But I also have harsh feelings towards those that don't care about ethical adoptions or reform or adoptee rights. But, at the same time, I wouldn't even know about those issues without my connection to adoption and I think I'd feel that way whether I had placed or adopted or been adopted. So, I'm not quite sure where I fall on the more-or-less-tolerant scale.


(This thread brought to you by an interesting, opposite-side-of-triad post. No attacks for adoptive parents meant. Just copying the idea. Hurrah!)

[stinky_kitty]

Stronger and more tolerant yes...but better no way.

[belleinblue1978]

Stronger.... oh yeah, I placed a child and was rejected by my firstmom in a matter of months and I'm still here, although there were moments that I thought I might not be.

Better.... Different and more healthy, but better? Naw. I strive to be someone my son can be proud of and to make good and healthy choices because I want him in my life.

More tolerant? I was pretty tolerant before, having grown up adopted, I thought about stuff that was triad related LONG before I placed my son.

There are things though that placing has done to me that aren't so great. I'll spend the rest of my life grieving and feeling like people struggle to understand me, and that isn't such a great feeling.

[RavenSong]

Stronger? YES
Better? NO
More Tolerant: NO (I was pretty tolerant before I became pregnant.)

[Mommy24]

"What doesn't kill you will make you stronger" So, that said, ya I feel stronger!

Better? In some ways I do feel like adoption made me better. It made me appreciate alot of things in my life that I think I once would have taken for granted. I have often said I think I am a better mother now having placed than I might have been had I not gone through this journey. True? Maybe not, but who really knows?

Tolerant? I have become soooo tolerant. Again, the things that have transpired since placing have made me learn to be more tolerant. Never felt like I could be anything other than tolerant

[keds]

Stronger, yes the face in the jar by the door but not the true me.

Better, NO

Tolerant, yes and no - I allow others to be themselves and accept other people for who they are but I don't tolerate fools.

The good thing all of this has taught me - everyone deserves a shoulder to cry on - regardless.

[trixila]

Thanks to all who responded to this post. I was the original poster on the adoptive parent side and it has been eye opening to see the other side of the triad. I have not visited the birthparent forum before tonight. My husband placed his daughter in an open adoption (it kinda closed after 10 yrs) when he was 19, and I have been a witness to the sense of loss he has felt ever since. It has been offset somewhat by a successful reunion (she is 25 now and doing great) but truly nothing will erase the emptiness that was brought on by the placement so long ago. Even being able to raise two great children with me cannot fully make the hole in his heart vanish. We choose open adoption for our family because of his experience and it has turned out to be the best for us. I have met several birthmothers and birthfathers over the past decade and have consistently been amazed at their ability to place their children. It's been hard not to grab them and tell them "think twice, three times, before you make your decision." My husband and his college girlfriend made the only decision they felt they could at the time, but after seeing the emotional fallout that has continued over the decades, it is clear that there are no easy answers. Until I married him, I had no idea of the pain that birthparents can face for the rest of their lives. I realize that some birthparents are able to integrate their decision to place and move on emotionally. But every person is different. So in answer to your post, no, placing did NOT make him stronger, better, or more tolerant. Thanks again for helping me to see the other side.

[JustPeachy]

The thing that I noticed almost immediately after going through a pregnancy and placing a child for adoption was that it matured me. I know that sounds goofy, but I was very immature prior to experiencing that, and I felt very strongly that I went from being a child to being a grown woman. I think it was the first real adult decision I had to make, so that would explain why I felt that way.

I think it did make me stronger in many ways, having to face other people's judgements, having to go to work and still hold my head high depsite being gossiped about, and having to make a decision on my own and follow through with it. It is not an easy decision, by any means, and I don't see how one could make that decision without some kind of incredible strength.

As far as being a better person, no, I've never felt I was better for making the decision to place a child as opposed to exercising any of my other options. Some people did try to put me on a pedestal for it, but I never felt I was better or more noble or something because I made this great "sacrifice."

Tolerant??? I've NEVER been a very tolerant person, and the older I get, the more pronounced this has become! I don't suffer fools gladly. Never have. I wish I could be more tolerant, honestly, but it's just not my strong suit and adoption certainly didn't bring this trait out in me.

[BrandyHagz]

My answer mirrors many of the previous posters. I am stronger, as a result. I don't feel I am better and based on the way I am often treated, I don't feel others think I'm better (in fact, I'd venture to say, many think I'm worse?) - as for tolerant, I think I am a bit more tolerant of people who have non-mainstream life experiences, after all, it is my ‘non-mainstream life experience’ in which I hope people will be understanding and non-judgmental (I know, pie in the sky.)

As keds said, I try to be more tolerant and understanding towards others who are being themselves – but I find I am really intolerant of ignorance/stupidity (as a choice, not as a condition) and people who are gigantic fools (again, as a choice, not as a condition).

[kakuehl]

I find it difficult to answer these questions!

Stronger? I think that adoption revealed my strength rather than caused it. (My mom said at the time that when I make up my mind to do something I do it.)

Better? Nah, I'm the same person. The whole situation did teach me never to say never (Irony intended.) I had always told myself I would never have sex outside of marriage... I blew that one! I learned (as if I didn't already know!) that I'm not perfect.

Tolerant? My goal is loving others unconditionally regardless of their actions and beliefs.

[KarynB]

As an adoptive parent I enjoy coming over to the birth mothers boards so I can try and gain better understanding of all sides of the triad. But I am confused and a bit stung (as I replied to the original post by Trixila) - was this intended to make fun of us?

[taramayrn]

I have to say that I am stronger, more tolerant or as I'd like to think of it, less judgemental, but I would agree with the other posters that I don't believe I am a better person because of it.

[taramayrn]

Karyn - I hope I can speak for the op by saying that this thread was no way intended to make fun of adoptive parents. I believe that op was interested in how birthparents would answer the same questions posed on another forum. But if I'm wrong Jenna please correct me.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by KarynB

As an adoptive parent I enjoy coming over to the birth mothers boards so I can try and gain better understanding of all sides of the triad. But I am confused and a bit stung (as I replied to the original post by Trixila) - was this intended to make fun of us?

Karyn,

Does it seem like any of us are making fun of you? I thought it was a good question on the AP board and I think it is a good question here. The OP even points out that it isn't intended to make fun.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by KarynB

As an adoptive parent I enjoy coming over to the birth mothers boards so I can try and gain better understanding of all sides of the triad. But I am confused and a bit stung (as I replied to the original post by Trixila) - was this intended to make fun of us?

Read what Jenna said, she meant it:

(This thread brought to you by an interesting, opposite-side-of-triad post. No attacks for adoptive parents meant. Just copying the idea. Hurrah!)

We are all trying to answer as honestly as we can. We certainly aren't poking fun with our responses.