[Lisa0378]

How did you know adoption was the right way to go?

I am extremely conflicted. One minute I am *positive* that adoption is the right thing to do, and the next minute I'm uncontrollably crying thinking about having to give my baby away.

I think this is harder for me because I have two beautiful children already, whom I love more than anything in the world. Financially, I am fine. My reasons for giving up the baby have to do with the father and my situation.

Here's my story:

My husband and I have been going through a divorce. During our separation I slept with another man who didn't tell me he was married. I ended up pregnant by him. His wife apparently wants to work things out with him, and she thinks I'm a bad person, a "home wrecker", when I had no clue he was married in the first place....

I cannot imagine bringing a child into this drama. What happens when the child goes to spend a weekend with his father? Will his wife still be calling me a whore? How can I subject an innocent child to this?

This is why I think adoption is the way to go for me...I love this child already. I feel extreme pain that brings me to my knees when I think about adoption. But at the same time, I think I can love my child enough to sacrifice my own happiness to ensure theirs.

I have to wait until the child is born to finalize my divorce from my husband, and although he's hurt, he has been very supportive to me through this whole thing. Now I regret asking him for a divorce...

PLEASE help me. I can barely function anymore. I am so depressed and alone and scared. Bless you all.

[dadtothree]

"Now I regret asking him for a divorce"... i would say if you truly love him.........tell him. What harm can that do? IMO

[Lisa0378]

Originally Posted by dadtothree

"Now I regret asking him for a divorce"... i would say if you truly love him.........tell him. What harm can that do? IMO

I've asked him to come home, begged and cried for him to come back, told him how much I love him....and nothing. He loves me too, and helps me, but he cannot bring himself to open up to me after this mistake that I've made. He is too hurt to give me a second chance. It pains me so much.

[kakuehl]

Have the two of you gone to counseling? Trust is a very difficult thing to rebuild. (Sometimes forgiveness is the problem.) If he won't go with you, go alone. You need to sort this out. Would there be visitation with the birthfather if you kept this child?

It sounds to me like adoption would be very difficult for you. By the way, would the father even sign to relinquish parental rights.

I could share my reasons for choosing adoption, but my situation was very different from yours and I don't think they'd be helpful. I will say that I loved my son (firstborn) and chose adoption because I believed it was the best thing for him.

[JustPeachy]

My situation was so different, too. I was a teenager, first pregnancy, marriage was not an option, nor was bringing a baby home. I wasn't ready to be out on my own, wanted my child to have a two parent home, there were so many other reasons that adoption was right for me. Of course, it still was a very difficult thing to do, but so would have parenting been for me at that time.

I would think more about all your options. Perhaps your child would not have to spend weekends with his/her father. I'm not sure how visitation gets worked out, but if it was a toxic enviroment, perhaps you could take it to court and only allow limited visitation or none at all. Have you asked your attorney about this?

Kids are pretty resilient. And they catch on quick to b.s. If your ex's wife were to say bad things about you to your child's face, that would be pretty low, but most kids can figure out the truth.

If you really don't want to place this child, then don't, especially if you can work around the issue of your ex's wife. That seems to be the main reason for considering adoption, and I think it's something that can be overcome.

Right now, you are emotionally overwhelmed. You are pregnant, divorcing, wishing you weren't getting a divorce, have been duped about the marital status of your ex, and feeling alone and scared. That is a lot to deal with at once. So take as much time as you need to make your decision and realize you can also will need time after you give birth to re-examine your decision.

[Lisa0378]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Have the two of you gone to counseling? Trust is a very difficult thing to rebuild. (Sometimes forgiveness is the problem.) If he won't go with you, go alone. You need to sort this out. Would there be visitation with the birthfather if you kept this child?

It sounds to me like adoption would be very difficult for you. By the way, would the father even sign to relinquish parental rights.

Thanks for taking the time to answer!

My H and I went to counseling on and off for four years. He's not that open to reconciling, much less counseling yet again, so I suppose I should go alone, you're right. I know for a fact he wont' work the marriage out if I keep this child.

In Texas, if the birthfather pays child support, then yes, there would be visitation...which I think would be terrible. That is what is scaring me into adoption to begin with. The prospect of co-parenting with this man and his wife utterly scares me. I've talked to him about adoption, and he has mixed feelings about it. He himself was adopted...I'm pretty sure he would support the adoption if that's what I decided, but I can't be positive.

What do you think? Why do you think adoption might not work for me? DOn't be afraid to be honest. Thanks so much again.

[BlackSheep]

I am both an adoptee and a birthmother. Nobody can help you make this decision as it is you and your child that will "pay" the consequences of it for the rest of your lives.

As you know, you already love the child you are carrying and leaving that child will weigh on you. I know, I did it almost 26 years ago. Even other children that you raise will not ease that pain. You will think about that child every day in one form or another and their birthday and the day you relinquish will always be days that you can never forget.

The child may "pay" with the abandonment and trust issues that seem to go hand in hand with adoption. Not all adoptees feel the suffering, but some do.

The items you list as being your main concerns are all adult issues that are of adult making and an innocent baby is in the middle. As adults, they need to be worked out by the adults involved in this.

If your husband still loves you and is just hurt by this, then I suggest marriage counseling to determine if there is a relationship left to salvage. You obviously were divorcing for a reason other than this.

As far as you are concerned, a therapist/counselor is the best choice to help you through this traumatic time so you can think through your decision and make the best choice you possibly can for both you and your unborn child. A therapist/counselor can also help you to address the depression that you are suffering from.

Your other children need to be a part of that decision since as you begin to show your pregnancy more and more, they will also be effected by your choice. I'm not meaning that you invite their opinions necessarily, but their emotional well-being needs to be taken into account. Since you didn't note their ages, they may still understand more than you think if they are young. If they are older, then, I'm sure you know...

I don't mean to sound harsh in my response to this, but I am trying to lay out what I feel you need to look at from an outsiders point of view. I have lived 2 sides of adoption so can at least give you the perspective of the sides that I know from my life. Remember that you need to be able to make this decision with a clear head and considering what is best for you and ALL your children. Posting here indicates to me that you are hurting and in need of some perspective from people who have lived through this. It's not an easy decision to make or live with for all parties involved.

May the Lord bless you in all your pain and bring you and your family the best answer. Peace.

[kakuehl]

I honestly don't know how adoption would work for you. The fact that you are already parenting two children may make it more difficult for you. Are you thinking that your husband might me willing to give the marriage another try if you choose adoption?

I can tell you this. Adoption doesn't go away. You will live with this decision every day for the rest of your life. I'm not saying don't choose adoption. I'm just saying it's not easy... but you never forget and it never goes away. (Even when you "get on with your life" and remain convinced you made the right decision.)

You are the only one who can decide what's right for you. That's one reason I suggested counseling. You need to be as sure as you can.

[Lisa0378]

BlackSheep, what a beautiful and thoughtful reply. You have brought issues to me that I had not considered yet. I'm praying so much right now for guidance and the ability to make the right choice. Your reply doesn't hurt me at all, it is extremely helpful. Thank you so very much...please pray for us.

My children are ages 4 and 8...so not quite old enough to understand, but old enough to know there is *something* going on.

[Lisa0378]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Are you thinking that your husband might me willing to give the marriage another try if you choose adoption?

Yes, I am thinking this. I almost feel like I'm having to choose between my baby and having another chance at my marriage.

I don't know why I've waited this long to go to counseling! I've been taking the children to counseling throughout this divorce...I need to take myself!

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by Lisa0378

Yes, I am thinking this. I almost feel like I'm having to choose between my baby and having another chance at my marriage.

If that's the case, what would happen if you placed the child and the marriage failed anyway?

I don't know why I've waited this long to go to counseling! I've been taking the children to counseling throughout this divorce...I need to take myself!

Call tomorrow! One thing a counselor can do is make sure you are considering all the issues. As BlackSheep pointed out there are many facets to this.

You are in my prayers as well.

[Lisa0378]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

If that's the case, what would happen if you placed the child and the marriage failed anyway?

Call tomorrow! One thing a counselor can do is make sure you are considering all the issues. As BlackSheep pointed out there are many facets to this.

You are in my prayers as well.

That exact thought has crossed my mind, too! ONE other thing and then I'm going to try to get some sleep There is something else that makes this more difficult for me. My two children....Only one is my husband's child. I had my first baby from a relationship in my early 20s that didn't work out, and went on to become a single parent. I met my husband when my daughter was only 6 months old, so even though she's not biologically his, he's accepted her as his own. THe bio dad is had not contacted us ever. Our son is ours.

He has given me a really hard time about the fact that I would have children by 3 different fathers, and you have to admit it doesn't look good. The shame in that is something else I consider when thinking of adoption....

Thank you for the prayers. I cannot express to you how much you've helped me this evening!

[kakuehl]

Has it occurred to you how unfair it is? Men may have had sex with 40 women but they are never judged in the same way. Are you the only woman your husband has ever slept with? (No, two wrongs don't make a right, but it's at the very least hypocritical for a man who has had several partners to shame a woman who has done the same - but has the evidence to prove it in the form of children.) Ah well... I don't support promiscuity, but I also don't support condemnation of people who recognize their own failures.

I pray you will have a peaceful night.

[Lisa0378]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Has it occurred to you how unfair it is? Men may have had sex with 40 women but they are never judged in the same way. Are you the only woman your husband has ever slept with? (No, two wrongs don't make a right, but it's at the very least hypocritical for a man who has had several partners to shame a woman who has done the same - but has the evidence to prove it in the form of children.) Ah well... I don't support promiscuity, but I also don't support condemnation of people who recognize their own failures.

I pray you will have a peaceful night.

OH my gosh I have never thought of it that way! Very interesting point....the funny thing is that I am not promiscuous at all - I've hardly had any partners, and my children came from serious relationships. This unborn baby and the recent mistake with the father is the exception.

THanks for giving me yet something else to chew on. I think you're an angel. ((hugs)) good night!

[musemoon]

My daughter is adopted, she is the child of a homeless, drug addicted woman who has slept with hundreds of men and smoked crack the day she was born....she is my world, my light and my everything. I simply adore her. I am IN NO WAY comparing her birth mother to you, in fact I hope that you release the visions of stereo-types that seem to be filling your head...who cares how many men you have had children with...if men could get pregnant...oh hey...just think about it eh??? Don't let yourself be judged! I am just saying...you can love a child, no matter the circumstance. Children are healing, they bring healing to the world they are born into. I'm not assuming that they will heal the relationships that are involved only love, forgiveness and understanding can do that, but a child is innocent, always.

So...I would ask you to think of your child as unattached to the situations, but just as your child, your dear sweet child, make the best decision for your child. As an adoptive mom, I would say that the best decision in your case is to stay with your child, if either your soon to be ex-husband or the child's father want to be a part of the child's life...great. If they want to say horrendous things to you...who cares...continue to walk on your path, with your children by your side. It is YOUR choice, and YOUR child...you can chose any road you want to. I am single and have made a family though adoption, I have a partner and he is my children's father, but we will never be married...I love it. It's weird and wacky, but works for us. Every family is different, just breathe...and think. My kiddo (who is two) often reminds me to "stop, breathe and think"...good advice.

If you chose adoption...I would request, as an adoptive parent, that you be sure of your choice...and what a hard choice that is...make it for yourself and your family and no other...but if you make it...know that you hold another family's hopes and dreams in your hand, that you will be making a choice that might break your heart, but if you parent, after choosing adoption, (which you have the RIGHT to do...always) you may also be breaking their hearts in the process (but I reiterate you always have the choice to parent YOUR child)...so make sure, that you have really thought out and WANT to do adoption...otherwise...parent your baby, you deserve to!