[Mockingbird]

______________________________________________

Hey, everybody. I was at church on Sunday and picked up the monthly magazine which contained an article about the "fostering and adopting ministry".

This article encouraged church members to be supportive of adoptive parents by mentoring, helping with housekeeping, grandparenting, helping to prepare the house for the new child, babysitting, making meals, giving respite care, and attending or giving a shower for the adoptive parents--basically surrounding the couple with love and help.

As I read this article I felt so much anger--at the people who are so willing to do these things for adoptive parents. Where are these people when a young woman is pregnant and not married? If they gave this much support to an unmarried girl, then maybe she wouldn't have to give up her baby for adoption. I'm not saying to rejoice that she was pregnant without the benefit of marriage and a supportive spouse; but what's done is done, and a baby is a blessing, so why condemn her? With love, support and help from those who surround her at home and in the community, she may be able to keep a job and her baby!

All that is spoken of is the pain of the couples who can't have children and how wonderful it is when they adopt. Well, what about the pain of those of us who got pregnant and society and the church turned its back on us? Where was the happiness and support system for us? It sounds as though God just dropped a baby from heaven to make up for their infertility--not that that a young woman has had to make the decision to sacrifice her child by giving her child to someone else, because she has no social support and no way to financially support her child, thereby giving her child a chance to have a better life than what she could provide for it; and this young woman and possibly her child will grieve for years or a lifetime over this decision.

Anyway, the rage over the unfairness overtook me and I had to retreat to the ladies' room and bawled my eyes out, just hurting for what I went through 39 years ago and what many others have gone through before that and since then. I am still furious.


___________________________________________

[Janeytwo]

Dear Mockingbird, Hi. :-)

I am so sorry that you were upset by this ad from the church and for the pain it caused you. ((((( Mockingbird )))). I am hoping you are feeling somewhat better today.

As to the post itself...this church ad....I had to give it some thought for a minute....here's my reaction....

If I were an adoptee parent - I would be furious and insulted by this ad because, as a parent, I would feel I was being singled out and judged.

Nowhere in this ad do I see mention of support for widowed mothers or single mothers or separated mom and dads. No....the church is simply calling for support for adoptee parents.

To me, this implies that this church believes that unlike other types of parents who seem to be able to handle being a parent just fine, adoptee parents are some kind of morons who have no clue and need the community's help in order to care for their children. Right now, I can picture an adoptee couple turning to each other and saying, "What? They think we're not capable of doing right by our kids?"

This ad is IMO - insensitive to all parents and condescending, prejudicial and presumptive towards adoptee parents.


That's how I see it.

Hugs to ya today,

Janey

[EZ2Luv]

I am so srry that you were hurt by the article. I know my church DOES help young single parents and I think many churches have changed in recent years. Not saying what happened years back was right at all, but that was the way society dictated how people acted.

If you would allow me to explain why that article possibly was written. Not too long ago there was a thread here from an AP thet was hurt because her woman's group did not treat her the same way after her adoption than other member who gave birth to their own children. Many tines church womens groups will arragne showers for pregnant members and arrange for other members to cook and deliver meal for the first couple of weeks after the baby is born and brought home from the hospital. Some groups will even arrange playdates and baby sitting fpr older children so the new baby and mom can have some alone time and mom can recooperate from the birth while adjusting to life with a new addition.

Well many APs were hurt and felt left out on the premise that just because they did not give birth they should should still be treated with teh same "perks" and considerations as the other moms and families. This is probably why your church felt the need to write this article so that other members would see that adoptive families should be treated the same way. Again, I am so sorry that you were hurt by this. Is there a way that you can possibly bring thsi up at a meeting or to you pastor? Maybe you could be the person that enlightens the congregation of the importance of supporting an unmmaried pregnant girl so that she can keep her baby.
I know that my church holds all kinds of diaper drives and has a ministry to help keep mothers and babies together if this is what the mothers want.

Most churrches today realize that many single women choose to parent. In fact there are single mebers of my church that have adopted.

Please don't think I am trying to minimize your pain or hurt, I am just only wanting to shed some light as to why that article was probably written. Maybe you can submit and article too. Your voice needs to be heard and I think you will be pleasantly surprized as how well recieved your feeling will be.

EZ

[carolynppk]

Mockingbird,

I, too, am sorry that this hurt you. I think that many don't know our journey, and while I am not a birth mother (I am an adult adoptee) I was a widow at the young age of 33 with three small children. Things that no one else ever considered hurtful, pained me deeply. I know they did not mean to, they hadn't walked in my shoes.

I wanted to second what EZ2luv stated, in our own church, many people have wondered why they were giving a baby shower or doing something for adoptive parents. I thhink that many, not really thinking the whole thing through, thought, well, it isn't like she has been pregnant for nine months and just given birth. They don't think of them needing meals or help or whatever. I think what the church was trying to say is that ALL parents, biological or adoptive need help and support. Many times it seems obvious with the biological, but not with the adoptive.

Undrestanding and compassion begin at home, so what I do with my kids is at Christmas we start getting baby stuff together to give to the unwed mothers home here, to help give them a leg up and let them know that even people they don't know support them and their choice to parent.

Again, I am so sorry that this hurt you so deeply. It is horrible to feel that way.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[CaddoRose]

Maybe that article was a door opening for you to change something that has affected you and others for a lifetime. Perhaps the answer is to start the ministry you see a need for. If you feel the church you attend wouldn't be supportive of this kind of ministry, then please find one that will be.

[Janeytwo]

Hey everyone,

This sounds a bit off topic but I promise it's not....

This morning I woke up thinking about one of my best friend's who suffered from paranoid schizophrenia. Before his illness destroyed his life, he was a highschool senior with honors standing, a quarterback on the football team and had won a 4-year ride to play ball at U of M.

Anyway...schizophrenia "switched on" just before he graduated and shredded his life. After a long and terrifying decline into madness, he ended up shooting himself in the head in the street in front of some little kids.

When his mother tried to make arrangements for his funeral, she was told by the Catholic Church she attended that since her son had committed suicide that he was a sin in the eyes of God and that they would not allow her to have his funeral on Holy ground. They also told her he was burning in hell.

All of that was on my mind this morning when I came in here and saw Mockinbird's thread. Needless to say I was NOT in a generous frame of mind re. churches as even I can see from my post.

I wanted to say I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I was in a bad space.

Sending a bouquet of roses to anyone's feelings that I hurt.

Sometimes, my heart is wandering..... :-(

Hugs to you all,

Janey

[carolynppk]

You did not offend me at least at all. I fully understand your anger with your friend's son's situation. When my husband died I had plenty of people who thought he wasn't "saved". Whatever! I fully understand where you are coming from. I also know what it is like to look at something in a way very few people do and being very sensitive to it. I just wanted her to know a point of view the church may have been coming from. I think as one poster said, maybe here is an opening for a new ministry, or something she can bring to light so others don't go uncared for. Love you Janey. I don't think there is a spiteful or mean bone in your body. I did not take your posting wrong.
Carolyn

[kindredspirit]

I believe someone already stated something like this, but maybe this a sign to enlighten the chruch of how supporting birhtmother is just as important. Just writing a letter to the pastor about it and see if he/she will do a sermon on it. Support ALL of God's children (which we all are!!!) I do not think they meant any harm and if you enlighten them to the other side, they might add it.

As a birthmother and an adoptivemother I agree with you 100%! I know when I had my adoptive son baptised I requested a special sermon on adoption. The pastor was more than pleased to do it. Some people questioned my request but I was not ashamed and maybe it opened peoples eyes.

The next time I adopt maybe I will not only request the adoption sermon but also ask them to talk about the birthmothers too.

[lovemy2boys]

Mockingbird,

I understand where you are coming from...It does seem quite one sided - doesn't it?

I sometimes think that even in these "enlightened" times, people don't quite know how to react to adoption...thus, they tend to focus on the positive aspects because they just don't "see" the pain...and many times people don't equate pain with adoption, because most firstmoms aren't really encouraged to talk about it, or if they do, they are expected to "move past it". Same goes for adoptees. It's sad, really.

Are you involved enough in your parish that you can start an outreach program for single moms? I bet there are amazing things you can do! Maybe do a diaper drive like someone mentioned, or a gently used baby/maternity clothing drive. Or even be willing to talk/mentor some of these women! And I bet you'd get a great volunteer turn out!

And Janey - that is really sad about your friend's son. I am really surprised to hear the reaction from the church. We just buried a friend because of suicide and the church had no problem performing a mass for him. Saying that he'd "burn in hell" is so archaic - I haven't heard that used since before Vatican II! I'd be interested to hear what church they belong to! (PM me if you know!) Times need to change, and parishes such as these need to be accountable.

[RavenSong]

Janey, your story of what happened to your friend who committed suicide broke my heart. I had the same exact thing happen to two friends of mine in the early 1980's. Both were refused a high Mass because they took their own lives, even though both friends were mentally ill when this occurred.

I believe the Church has drastically changed its stance on suicide since then. Before I moved up here to the Sierras, I was very involved with my parish in San Diego. I remember talking to our priest one day about this issue. Monseigneur said at that time (mid-1990's) that the Church no longer denied high funeral Masses or burial in Holy Ground for Catholics who commit suicide because the Church now realizes that suicide is most often caused by mental illness, including severe depression. Mental illness is NOT a character defect or a weakness of any type. It is NOT the fault of the person who has it. It is an illness, just like any other physical illness. As medical science evolves, we are beginning to understand some of the biochemical and neurological reasons for the major mental illnesses.

[Janeytwo]

Thanks guys for all the hugs and support! Sorry it took so long to get back to you all, there's been some stuff going on the last couple days which threw me off track.

The guy who committed suicide was actually one of my friends (sorry...I typed that wrong). He was like a brother to me and it was a sad, sad thing when he ended his life. I remember his mom and I going to his apt. and finding that he'd left gifts for everyone.

Little plastic dinosaurs wrapped in toilet paper and taped tight (he had very little money and could only afford these cheap toys to leave). He'd written a sentiment on the wrapping of each one......... My God, the sorrow still catches in my throat to this day some twenty years further on.

I lost touch with the family for quite a few years but learned a few years back that my friend's younger sister had been found standing at the end of her block talking to a transformer which she told police was sending messages from space. They took her away; a woman with 3 kids, mind gone.

I have watched this disease destroy members of my own family. :-( I hate schizophrenia!!

Janey

[RavenSong]

I am so very, very sorry about the loss of your dear friend. As you so eloquently told me a couple months ago and I quote, "I've learned in my short stay on this earth, time does not matter in the loss of loved ones. The pain may be only an echo at times. Yet at others, some small reminder will trigger the pain and then it rages."

Schizophrenia is a terrible disease, one of the most horrible diseases in existence, IMO. Medical science is making some headway into research dealing with the brain chemistry behind it, and it really does seem that schizophrenia should be classifed as a neurological disease instead of a mental illness. It is one the most tragic diseases I've ever witnessed.

Most of its victims are young adults, many of them gifted academically, many of them artistically inclined. I remember when I was a pre-med student at the University of New Mexico, there was an absolutely brilliant chemistry student who had his first psychotic break in his senior year, I believe. He had already been accepted into graduate school for the following year in the Department of Chemistry ~ this guy was a true genius. And then one day, seemingly out of the blue, Carlos started hearing voices, hallucinating, right there in the chemistry lab. To make a long story short, he got worse and worse...he eventually ended up homeless, living on the streets. After a few years of wandering the streets, the "Rag Man" (as he was known in the university area and student ghetto) was killed by a couple teenage boys looking for cheap thrills. Carlos was sleeping in an alley a block or two away from UNM...I think he was either inside a cardboard box or a sleeping bag, I don't remember. But these two boys decided it would be fun to set Carlos on fire. And that's exactly what they did, with lighter fluid and matches...

A couple weeks later, or maybe a couple months later, his sister wrote a long letter to the local newspaper's editorial columnist. And it was such a poignant portrayal of what schizophrenia does, what it means to the sufferers as well as their families. I think her letter/article opened a lot of people's eyes to the disease. I know it did mine...

I'm sorry this disease, this tragic illness, has touched your life, especially within your own family. If you ever need to vent about it, don't hesitate to PM me. I'm here for you, my friend.

[Jackiejdajda]

We lost a friend to schizophrenia..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Jackie,

That sucks about your friend. :-( I don't think sometimes that people understand how terrible that disease is; how it shreds people's lives and dreams and hopes!

:-(

I pray one day they'll find a cure!

Janey

[RavenSong]

Jackie, I am so sorry that you, too, have lost a friend to schizophrenia. What a horrible illness it is. I hope your friend is at peace now....