[DebTabor]

This is the Reader's Digest version of a much longer story, but here is my question: I am an adult adoptee. My partner is a b-mom who was reunited with her daughter about 6 years ago. Daughter lived with us for some time, and is now on her own. My partner is very good at hiding it, usually, and being very kind, but has a terrible time spending time with her daughter because she can't get past the past she represents. I feel stuck - not properly supporting my partner in her pain but empathizing way too much with the daughter (I would hate to be rejected twice by my bmom - and while I know that's not the case, I know how this girl would take it).

This is the only thing we fight about, but it comes up every 6 months or so and is a huge wound for both of us. I just don't know what to do.

[mygrl4meee]

Are you two fighting because she is pushing her daughter away? My best advice without knowing too much information, is to just lend her a shoulder. Don't try and tell you know how it feels, but also don't tell her she don't have a right to feel the way she does.

[Jackiejdajda]

From Melody Beattie .. Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps.. page 21.

Step One gives us permission to relax, stop controlling, deal with our fear, and take care of ourselves.

I just read this this morning and it popped into my mind when I read your post..

What is going down between your partner and her birthdaughter is between them..

Have you searched?
Are you being triggered?



Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Hey Deb! :-)

My partner is very good at hiding it..... but has a terrible time spending time with her daughter because she can't get past the past she represents. I feel stuck

Perhaps have you thought about getting books on adoption and reunion speficially.....books that might help you to better understand what it is your partner (and you) are dealing with? This is such an emotional landscape and there is a great deal of baggage with it. Maybe learning about it could help you to rephrase the things you need to say to your partner so that everything doesn't lead to a blowup.

Also, maybe contacting a counselor who specializes in adoption-related matters might have good insight on how you can help your partner.

It's never easy being in the middle. I've often said that the only good time to be between two people is when one of them is passing a joint! LOL! Just kidding everybody!

This is the only thing we fight about, but it comes up every 6 months or so and is a huge wound for both of us.

There are many wise women in here who can give you pointers on communicating with people in a way that will not harm either one of you.

Keep posting and hoping things can work out for ya!

Janey