[Pen2005pal]

Hi all,

I feel like someone died. My story is at One Mothers Story of Open Adoption Coercion

The biological father was a "fly by night". We met at an apartment complex in Orlando but he didn't rent there. He had cleft lip. My son was born with cleft lip also.

Joe never knew I was pregnant. He persued me vigorously and I hung up on him several times because like the stupid 19 year old I was at the time, I was immature and didn't want to date him. His last words to me were, "Your making a big mistake"

Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was not able to find him at those apartments anywhere. For the next 19 years of my life, I have been searching for him.

Well, two days ago I hired a private investigator. We thought we found him. I then hired another private investigator to go out to the location we thought he resided at.

It was the wrong Joe. I could hear this other Joe in the back ground saying to the PI "If I have a son I want to know about it". This was heartbreaking because I knew the real Joe would have reacted in the same manner.

I cannot seem to forgive myself for this. Everytime I see my adopted son, it's like looking straight at his father. He wants to know him... and this is ALL my fault.

I have prayed and prayed for God to produce a miracle, but nothing happens. I may have his last name wrong.

So I've been in depression all night. Still am.

Susan

[mygrl4meee]

Hi Susan,

So sorry your upset, sometimes a good cry is what we need. Don't give up your search.

[Jackiejdajda]

In another thread I am being told to not be so hard on myself.. I want to say the same thing to you..

Who knows why the 'powers that be' sorted this the way it is sorted..
There may be a very good reason..

Keep working towards finding him..
Maybe take some time out and rest for a bit.. emotionally..

No blame.. you are doing the best you can.. you did the best you could..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Hey Susan! :-)

I hung up on him several times because like the stupid 19 year old I was at the time, I was immature and didn't want to date him.

No, not stupid, Susan. As you said you were just immature.

I look at a lot of 18/19 year old women and think too myself, "They're so very young."

I think it's easy to go back and beat ourselves up for who we thought we were. Believe you me, I've done it enough myself.

But you couldn't have forseen the pregnancy and all that would come after it. You were a young woman who who made a decision that you didn't particularly want this guy in your life at that time.

And who is to say that you were wrong. I mean, of course I understand your regrets at not being able to find him for the sake of your son but at least you've tried to find him, right? You're doing what you feel is the right thing now.....what more can you do than that?

Hugs to ya Susan! All any of us can do is try to do the best we can, make up for the wrongs we feel we may've committed.

And when I'm down on myself, I'll try to take my own excellent advice! LOL! Never as easy that one is it?

Wishing you better days,

Janey

is a lot better than the word "stupid"
Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was not able to find him at those apartments anywhere. For the next 19 years of my life, I have been searching for him.

Well, two days ago I hired a private investigator. We thought we found him. I then hired another private investigator to go out to the location we thought he resided at.

It was the wrong Joe. I could hear this other Joe in the back ground saying to the PI "If I have a son I want to know about it". This was heartbreaking because I knew the real Joe would have reacted in the same manner.

I cannot seem to forgive myself for this. Everytime I see my adopted son, it's like looking straight at his father. He wants to know him... and this is ALL my fault.

I have prayed and prayed for God to produce a miracle, but nothing happens. I may have his last name wrong.

So I've been in depression all night. Still am.

Susan[/quote]