[fairydust159]

I placed my first baby for adoption in April 2007. I am now pregnant with my second child (first parented) and as the time draws closer to meeting my little girl I am getting more and more nervous about how this will change my feelings on the adoption.

Up until now I've been completely happy and confident in my decision to place my baby for adoption... but I have heard so many stories of how differently women feel after parenting a child I'm afraid. I don't want to suddenly have regret for a decision I was so happy with! Is this really such a "guaranteed" thing? Is it possible to enjoy my role as a mother and enjoy my new baby without it being tainted with new found, and unwanted emotions?

[agathaj]

It changed everything for me but I don't think that it's something that is written in stone. Many women are still at peace with their decision. I hope you are one of them. BTW my now bteen has got great parents and her life is very full. I could be totally wrong, but from what I can see of her life from her Myspace it looks pretty good and she has lovely friends, good education etc. So while I regret my decision to place, her life appears to be great. I am grateful for this. I am not sure if that helps?

[fairydust159]

Thanks! I think it does help that my little boy also has a great family. I think a part of my anxiety is I just want to be a good mom, and because I've placed a child for adoption I think a part of me worries that will somehow affect my mothering. It's also weird because almost no one knows I'm a birthmother so I have to pretend like this is my first pregnancy... and I've gotten so used to that lie I almost forget about my little boy only to be shocked back into reality. I think I may even feel a bit guilty because I had such a good experience placing my baby for adoption when there are so many birthmothers out there who didn't. I dunno... i'm rambling now. Thanks for the good thoughts.

[quantum]

Hi! It's impossible to know how you'll feel and react. I would guess that it probably is harder for those who didn't relinquish willingly?
I had my first child nearly 18 years after I relinquished my son. Maybe it made me wonder more about him. It's easier now raising my girls and having him in my life as well. I had been at peace with my decision as well! I still him although being in reunion made me mourn the loss I'd never really had the chance to mourn before.

One thing I've read, is that it isn't unusual for a mom who's relinquished to be an even better mom!

My advice to you, don't worry so much about what you may or may not feel, ok? Just enjoy your pregnancy (yes it is weird to pretend it's your first! I hated people telling me how I should be feeling and so on when I already knew!), enjoy your beautiful baby when she comes! You'll be fine! You'll be FABULOUS! And if some weird emotions creep up on you, come here to talk about them. With the wide range of people here, nearly every emotion has been experienced!

Did you have any post partum depression with your little boy?

BTW, I think EVERYONE worries about being a good parent! It's part of being a good parent.

Congratulations!!!!

[JustPeachy]

I don't want to suddenly have regret for a decision I was so happy with! Is this really such a "guaranteed" thing? Is it possible to enjoy my role as a mother and enjoy my new baby without it being tainted with new found, and unwanted emotions?

I do not have any other children besides the one I relinquished, but I understand your concerns, because I fear if I reunite with my son, I will have sudden regrets for not raising him. I am trying to not latch on to this being a "given" and realize that every situation is indeed different. Sometimes, I think, too, we read stuff and allow other people's feelings to be projected onto us. I say "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

I believe it is most certainly possible to enjoy your role as a mom and enjoy your new baby without having new found/unwanted emotions. I have a close friend, also a bmom, who had two children she is now raising. She has never felt that the experience of raising her sons has been tainted in any way by her adoption experience with her first. I also know several bmoms from my triad support group who have other children they are raising. This issue has never come up in group that raising their kids has triggered feelings of regret over their placements. They still miss their relinquished children (these women placed in closed or semi-open), still think about them as any mom would, still have times when they do feel sad (this is normal), but are well adjusted and happy moms.

Good luck to you with your new baby! I'm sure you'll be a terrific mom!!!

[kindredspirit]

I often thought about it too. I gave my son up years ago and when I tried having kids it turned out that my husband and I couldn't (doctors don't know why.)

At first I was hard on myself about giving up the only child that I will ever have. But when we turned to adoption, I really searched my soul about everything.

The day I came to peace with it, I got the call from my adopted son's mother.

Over the years, my feelings about adoption changed but now I still stand behind the reasons I gave my son up. But it still hurts. And through adoption, I got the most beautiful child in the world!!! (Yes I am bias.)