[Liliana31]

I was manipulated into giving my daughter for adoption when I was in my teens. I am now in the process of reuniting with her, decades later, through a mediator, (I´m in Scandinavia and it is usually done this way) because her adoptive mother has always been strongly against us meeting and bonding.

The adoption was the most awful thing I have ever done in my life and I have regretted it every day of my life. The effect it had on me will stay with me until I die. I think the reason to give up your child must be extreme, like imminent death, terminal illness or severe poverty. This is just my opinion, formed by my experience.

After two failed marriages I built up an academic career and finally felt I was worth something. All my life I have been feeling I´m an egg donor, not worthy to keep my own children. I started seeing a psychologist to help me cope and soon felt confident enough to contact my daughter. I also fostered my four year old cousin, who lost her parents in an accident. It´s been going really well.

Now I am about to meet my daughter and my joy is boundless. The only drawback is that when I have told my friends and some members of my family that I have a daughter I had to give up, soon to be reunited with, they don´t look at me the same way. I can feel they judge me and some even said: "How could you give up your own daughter?" I cannot blame them, because I feel the same. It was the worst thing I could have done and I cannot even justify it myself. I feel like I´m a marked woman in some way.

I need some advice on how to cope. Please help.

[JustPeachy]

I don't know if I can help, because I was not manipulated into making an adoption plan for my child, and I hold no shame in it, however, I have been judged and other people have tried to make me feel bad. On the other hand, there have been people who've been supportive, so it's not been all negative reactions, but it still is hard. Most people do not understand adoption and make all kinds of ignorant comments about it. They don't know the circumstances, and if they did, they wouldn't be so quick to judge.

I'm sorry you were manipulated into relinquishing your child and it was not a decision made willingly. When people ask "how could you have done that" do they respond with empathy when you say you were manipulated to against your will? I would think, or at least I'd hope, they'd be a bit more understanding if they realized you had no choice in the matter. In my case, I could have decided to keep my child, but adoption was the best choice, and I've not regretted my decision, though I have regretted my circumstances.

As far as coping, is continued counseling an option for you? I think contacting your daughter will be healing, too.

But when you say

It was the worst thing I could have done and I cannot even justify it myself. I feel like I´m a marked woman in some way.

, can you understand that if you were manipulated, you really could not have done otherwise?

[JustJennNM]

Originally Posted by Liliana31

I think the reason to give up your child must be extreme, like imminent death, terminal illness or severe poverty. This is just my opinion, formed by my experience.

I was struck by this comment...it seems very harsh. I realize in your circumstance things were different, and were/are hurt by what happened but that does not mean that those that choose adoption for their children are horrible people because they do not meet your standards of imminent death, illness or severe poverty.

But I do hope your reunion goes well for you. Best of luck!

[kakuehl]

My dear Lilliana,
It sounds to me like you still have not forgiven yourself for what happened to you. I have no clue what the circumstances were that opened you to be manipulated into placing your daughter. I gather you daughter was a secret even from your family? Secrets have a tendency to take on a life of their own. Your friends and family may wonder what else they don't know about you.

You cannot change the past, you can only acknowledge it and move on. Focus on meeting your daughter and building a relationship with her. Remember that none of us is perfect and no one has the right to be judgmental of others unless they are!

[Southernroots]

My feelings about losing my son to adoption were much like yours. I felt deep shame and judged myself harshly, so I expected others to do so as well. Forgiving myself was my toughest challenges. It helps to understand what powerful forces women considering adoption are up against.

Since my reunion I have generally been treated with compassion and understanding when I tell people about my son. However, there are many stereotypes about mothers who relinquish, and some people believe that we are uncaring and heartless. The challenge for us is to educate people who judge us harshly. In addition, until we forgive ourselves, it may be difficult to expect others to do so.

I feel much like you do, and many other moms do as well.

[djvj]

i just want to say that you are not alone. a lot of birthmothers grow up and realize that they were under a lot of pressure from agencies/family/society at the time of relinquishment and wish they had had a chance to go back and change things.

i, too, am in reunion. when people ask me if i regret my choice, i say no, because my daughter had a wonderful family and a beautiful life. but i do regret my decision because i was unaware that i had other choices, because i was not prepared for the emotional consequences, and because it left me with a hole in my heart that nothing has ever been quite able to fill. and yes, because on top of all that, i constantly hear negative comments about birthmothers and know that we are judged harshly.

we can't change the past, but i for one am really focusing on undoing the damage that was done 23 years ago when i was told i didn't deserve a chance to love and keep my own child. i do my best to educate others about the realities of adoption, so that other women have a better chance of making a decision that is an informed decision. i focus on being grateful for the chance to have my daughter back in my life. and i let myself grieve for the little lost baby i let go of so many years ago.

in my opinion, people who judge birthmothers harshly simply have no experience or education about the adoption process and what it entails for a birthmother. i don't tell everyone i meet that i have a bdaughter, but i have always shared with my close friends and boyfriends. if they didn't respond well, i crossed them off my list.

my one comfort is that i know i did the best i could do for her. i made the ultimate sacrifice for my daughter, and she has benefited from that. if i had received the exact same information i received then, but instead of adoption it was "you must kill yourself", i would be dead now for 23 years. i know i am proud of myself for doing what i thought was best for her, no matter what anyone says. but yes, it still hurts when other people treat you like you are shameful, and you have a right to your feelings.

i just wanted you to know i'm glad you are talking about it. i know there are a lot of women out there that feel the same as you. i wish you luck in learning to appreciate yourself and know that you did the best you could.

[djvj]

i just want to say that you are not alone. a lot of birthmothers grow up and realize that they were under a lot of pressure from agencies/family/society at the time of relinquishment and wish they had had a chance to go back and change things.

i, too, am in reunion. when people ask me if i regret my choice, i say no, because my daughter had a wonderful family and a beautiful life. but i do regret my decision because i was unaware that i had other choices, because i was not prepared for the emotional consequences, and because it left me with a hole in my heart that nothing has ever been quite able to fill. and yes, because on top of all that, i constantly hear negative comments about birthmothers and know that we are judged harshly.

we can't change the past, but i for one am really focusing on undoing the damage that was done 23 years ago when i was told i didn't deserve a chance to love and keep my own child. i do my best to educate others about the realities of adoption, so that other women have a better chance of making a decision that is an informed decision. i focus on being grateful for the chance to have my daughter back in my life. and i let myself grieve for the little lost baby i let go of so many years ago.

in my opinion, people who judge birthmothers harshly simply have no experience or education about the adoption process and what it entails for a birthmother. i don't tell everyone i meet that i have a bdaughter, but i have always shared with my close friends and boyfriends. if they didn't respond well, i crossed them off my list.

my one comfort is that i know i did the best i could do for her. i made the ultimate sacrifice for my daughter, and she has benefited from that. if i had received the exact same information i received then, but instead of adoption it was "you must kill yourself", i would be dead now for 23 years. i know i am proud of myself for doing what i thought was best for her, no matter what anyone says. but yes, it still hurts when other people treat you like you are shameful, and you have a right to your feelings.

i just wanted you to know i'm glad you are talking about it. i know there are a lot of women out there that feel the same as you. i wish you luck in learning to appreciate yourself and know that you did the best you could.

[quantum]

Liliana, I am an American birthmother who now lives in Sweden. I think because adoption is not even an option here in this day and age, it's difficult to get support. I know I really think about who I'm talking to, what kind of person they are, what sort of relationship I have with them, before I share and I've still had some unexpected and sometimes unsupportive responses. Responses are just that though, they are about the people that make them they are not about you.

I'm sorry this has been so hard for you. I agree with previous posters in that you need to forgive yourself.
Hang in there.

[Liliana31]

Thank you all for your kind words. It´s very helpful.

I think I feel like this because when I started to foster my adoptive daughter, my little cousin, I knew the joy of caring for a young child. I then knew even more what a terrible mistake this adoption had been.

I would like to explain why I feel the way I feel, even though it may sound harsh. I really don´t want to hurt anyone´s feeling, so please forgive me. This is such a sensitive matter.

I feel that the separation of the birthmother and her child is unnatural and therefore carries even more pain and confusion. Someone else is caring for your flesh and blood while you lost your baby. How do you grieve? The baby is not dead, but is living with someone else, so there is no closure. I think that this is why people judge me and other birthmothers. The people who manipulated my family into taking my daughter away from me said: "What a beautiful choice and sacrifice..." but I was is in fact scorned because what I did was not natural.

I was raped. My family was wealthy and could have cared for my daughter, but the shame was more they could bear. The adopiton agency manipulated us into giving the child, because they maintained I would never be able to love her. What a load of nonsense! I should have told them all to go to hell and just keep my baby.

What am I to say to my adoptive daughter? She doesn´t know yet. I have started to prepare her and explain that sometimes kids live with other parents then their biological ones and she finds it strange. How can I tell her about the rape?

I feel birthmothers are treated like third class citizens and since I hold a high position at the University, I´m not about to be treated like dirt. I just don´t know how to avoid it. My heart bleeds for other birthmothers and I want to start a support group in my country, but like Quantum from Sweden said, this rarely happens here, so birthmothers here are few.

I´m still working this through and I see my psychologist every week. My mom is also in therapy, because renouncing her oldest grand daughter has devastated her. She was told by the agency and the adoptive parents they would write and share photos - all lies. We never saw or heard from her until I went to the Social Services and got the mediator.

I know forgiveness is vital. I forgave the rapist long time ago. I don´t think I can forgive myself. How do I even begin?

My comment about imminent death and poverty is based on my charity work in Asian countries where I have seen that it is impossible for many mothers to care for their babies. It is also based on my adoptive daughter´s views. Her real mother is the most important figure in her life, although she is dead. So it should be. I am not about to diminish that, the way my role was diminished.

I am so grateful for your warm and thoughtful replies. My thoughts are with the other birthmothers who replied.

I´m still a bit lost, but I feel better because I found this website and there are more answers.

Thanks again,

Liliana

[Janeytwo]

Hey Liliana! My name's Janey and I'm a birthmother. I'm so glad you posted here. There are so many wonderful and wise women who can help you.

I found that your thread touched me deeply and I wanted to respond.

The adoption was the most awful thing I have ever done in my life and I have regretted it every day of my life. The effect it had on me will stay with me until I die.

Yes I understand this and as I've often said in threads here, the loss of my children was a loss of myself. A piece of me ripped from my heart and set adrift. You know, even in being a parent to my two daughters that are with me, there is my life before their birth and my life afterwards. To my way of thinking our children are the defining "moments" if you will of our lives. They can't be extricated from our souls. And adoption? Well, it's a lifelong grief but one perhaps we can manage to make peace with.

I think the reason to give up your child must be extreme, like imminent death, terminal illness or severe poverty.

I hurt for you in this statement, one of such pain and one I comprehend completely. Smiling here.....until I came into this site I thought that I was the only woman who'd surrendered two children. I thought that the only other people who'd done this were people who were facing death. I thought of those women as valiant. I thought of myself as scum.

But surrendering my kids was a kind of death; a living one. And I imposed upon myself a sentence of life in solitary, never speaking, never reaching out. In part that was due to the cruelty of the homo sapien species, I.E., I've seen what we're capable of. But mostly? Mostly it was because I believed that I deserved no better; that I was a failure in the eyes of society, in the eyes of my family, in the eyes of God.

What I couldn't see, and what has been so painfully obvious this past month especially, is the circumstances around my surrendering of my children. The past that I buried down there with me. Guess maybe I'm saying that it is not just the decision you need to grieve but perhaps the details that led you to surrender in the first place. It was easier to be harsh on myself than to admit what had come before.

The only drawback is that when I have told my friends and some members of my family that I have a daughter I had to give up, soon to be reunited with, they don´t look at me the same way. I can feel they judge me and some even said: "How could you give up your own daughter?" I cannot blame them, because I feel the same.

Nodding here. There's something I wanted to say but I'll post to you privately about that.

I feel like I´m a marked woman in some way.

I had said to someone that it feels to me as if we are Hester Prynne and that we should, like her, wear a big "A" on t-shirts - only not a red one....some other color. Perhaps copper; yes a copper-colored A.

It was the worst thing I could have done and I cannot even justify it myself.

Hmmm....this is a toughie. I think maybe I'll fall back on the recovery line here. That word "justify".... for me, I always connotes with turning outward....outward towards those I feel I've harmed. Explanation of and apology for actions. First though, I must be able to apologize to myself. That must come first. Otherwise I am lost in my grief, rage and anger and really, any apology; any justification I make, is not quite an entire one. I hope that sounds right; that I'm making sense.

Harsh and bitter judgement of myself...well I'm guilty. I'll raise my hand on that one. I've done it; done it to death and it's done no one any good; most especially myself.

But it is all right where you're at; let the feelings come. It's a starting off point and we all must start somewhere. Coming here and saying, "this is how I feel about myself"? Well, that is a leap of faith not easy to make.

Keep writing; don't let go.

Much peace your way today!

Janey

[JustPeachy]

I know forgiveness is vital. I forgave the rapist long time ago. I don´t think I can forgive myself. How do I even begin?

You know, you were in your teens at the time, and very young to have to be dealing with the trauma of rape and a pregnancy resulting from that rape. In addition, there was obvioulsy a terrible social stigma involved. None of these things were your fault. It's hard enough as a grown woman to handle being manipulated and pressured in any circumstance, but being so young and likely still under your parent's care, what else could you have done?

What would you think of a friend who did the same? Would you feel compassion for her, or contempt? You are a total stranger to me, and yet I don't see you as unnatural, shameful, or a horrible person.

Why can you forgive your rapist, but not yourself, when you didn't have or know of any other options at that time?

[Liliana31]

Originally Posted by Southernroots

My feelings about losing my son to adoption were much like yours. I felt deep shame and judged myself harshly, so I expected others to do so as well. Forgiving myself was my toughest challenges. It helps to understand what powerful forces women considering adoption are up against.

Since my reunion I have generally been treated with compassion and understanding when I tell people about my son. However, there are many stereotypes about mothers who relinquish, and some people believe that we are uncaring and heartless. The challenge for us is to educate people who judge us harshly. In addition, until we forgive ourselves, it may be difficult to expect others to do so.

I feel much like you do, and many other moms do as well.

Southernroots,

What you say really makes sense. The challenge is to make people understand how hard this was for us, but I also feel social workers and adoption agency workers should also tell birthmothers to be that they will be judge. Because that is the case, no matter the circumstances. Of course they don´t say so, because the stakes are too high for the adoptive parents. But we will be judged all our lives.

How can I forgive myself?

Liliana

[cetalley]

Hi, I like so many of you have not been able to forgive myself, for the shame and guilt, are possibly what I deserve for my relinquishing twins....I do know you are one of the most caring loving people I have come across in a few days. You have taken a child(cousin) and given that child a HOME! Along with all the love and support you have to offer, which sounds like tons!. Please do not carry a burden of other peoples thoughts and opinions, for if they truly love you, they will not judge you. I have yet to tell anyone, other than firstdad, son, and current husband of my twins' existence. No family is aware.. that I know of. What will I do when this happens...I will cross that bridge when that day comes. GOD BLESS you and your reunion , with hope ,faith and love , you WILL endure ....{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[Janeytwo]

Hey Kathy!

Secrets have a tendency to take on a life of their own.

I know I'm taking this a little out of context maybe but the secret pain within my heart? It took on it's own life. Heck, it became like a twin-self; a ghost standing next to me. The closing up into the void of silent grief while staring out at the faces of other people and thinking too myself, "I've got a secret and I won't share it because I've seen what can happen when I do." And not just over my children, but over other things too.

:-( You're right about secrets, Kathy.



You cannot change the past, you can only acknowledge it and move on. Focus on meeting your daughter and building a relationship with her. Remember that none of us is perfect and no one has the right to be judgmental of others unless they are![/quote]

[Liliana31]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

You know, you were in your teens at the time, and very young to have to be dealing with the trauma of rape and a pregnancy resulting from that rape. In addition, there was obvioulsy a terrible social stigma involved. None of these things were your fault. It's hard enough as a grown woman to handle being manipulated and pressured in any circumstance, but being so young and likely still under your parent's care, what else could you have done?

What would you think of a friend who did the same? Would you feel compassion for her, or contempt? You are a total stranger to me, and yet I don't see you as unnatural, shameful, or a horrible person.

Why can you forgive your rapist, but not yourself, when you didn't have or know of any other options at that time?

JustPeachy,

It was easy to forgive the rapist. I was drunk and on drugs and got myself into the situation. I´ve been a member of AA for 22 years, and one of the things I learned there was to take responsability for my life and for my actions. Also, the rapist gave me a precious gift. He gave me my daughter. He can rest in peace for all I know... also he is now working as a bodyguard in the States and very hard to get in touch with him, but I will do it so if my daughter wishes to see him. I also forgave him for her sake. He is her father, even if he raped me.

I do know a person who did the same thing. It´s the same shame, the same inability to cope and have children. I feel terribly sorry for her. She won´t get closer to me because she know I´m a birthmother too. The shame is simply too great.

If I had a friend who had done this, I would feel sorry for her with all my heart, but I would ask myself: Why? What in the world happened and made her do it?

I don´t know how to work this through, but I feel for the first time in a long, long time, there is some hope.

Thanks,

Liliana