[mommy2fiveplus]

So this is the situation:

My mom is adopted (50y, closed adoption), she has always known it, but found her bmom like 10 years ago I think, kinda by accident because she had the names because of medical issues she has but then her bgrandma showed up as a patient on the floor where she worked at the hospital.

Anyway, she has had contact with them by phone and letters but never met them. She has given them pics of us (her kids and my kids) and she knows about her 1/2 sister. BUT they do not know about her.

The weird thing is we live in a small community and I have seen my mom's 1/2 sister at the Tractor Supply store. I know that she is my mom's sister because she looks just like my mom and since my mom has her address we have taken my kid's trick or treating there.

I know my mom is curious about them, she grew up the youngest and the only girl with 5 brothers, so I think she always wondered what it would be like to have a sister.

Anyway, it seems her bmom is just not ready for contact and hasn't told the sister about any of us.

I could care less, my mom's aparents are my grandparents and they are the most fabulous people on earth, I don't need another set of grandparents and at first I wasn't even comfortable with my mom sending pics of my kids to this lady but I got over it cause it is what she wanted.

I just wondered why, after 50 years she doesn't want to know any of us, or even let the sisters get to know each other. I mean this other girl is an only child, if bmom dies that girl will be all that is left (her dad died already). It just seems strange to me. I know my mom isn't all about meeting either, she is still knida hesitant, but I think she would if invited. I know hse is curious about her 1/2 sister.

Besides it is just weird to know that there is this lady, that you occasionally see in the store and when you look at her you know that she shares your genetics and yet she is looking at you like you are a complete stranger, not realizing that you are sorta her niece.

[belleinblue1978]

I wish I knew the answer to that because my bmom refuses contact as well. At first I went through a really hard, what is wrong with me period, now it is more of a what is wrong with her thing, because I know I'm fabulous, lol.

[Jackiejdajda]

mommy2fiveplus

I just wondered why, after 50 years she doesn't want to know any of us, or even let the sisters get to know each other. I mean this other girl is an only child, if bmom dies that girl will be all that is left (her dad died already). It just seems strange to me. I know my mom isn't all about meeting either, she is still knida hesitant, but I think she would if invited. I know hse is curious about her 1/2 sister.

Besides it is just weird to know that there is this lady, that you occasionally see in the store and when you look at her you know that she shares your genetics and yet she is looking at you like you are a complete stranger, not realizing that you are sorta her niece.

Secrets… hurt..
And I believe that when a woman gives her baby up and is sworn to secrecy she does not deal with any of it emotionally..
She just shuts it down and speaks no more..

Turning around and actually dealing with and/or speaking about those emotions can be close to impossible for some..
To be asked questions is devastating.. for some..
How could you do that? Is IMO the most feared..

Or what happened?

And one can be asked those questions anywhere.. at any time..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

belleinblue1978

I wish I knew the answer to that because my bmom refuses contact as well. At first I went through a really hard, what is wrong with me period, now it is more of a what is wrong with her thing, because I know I'm fabulous, lol.

If you read Beggars and Choosers.. written by Rickie Solinger you can see what happened..
(she compares how the different races were treated back then hence the first line in the paragraph below)

Page 69

The postwar experiences of white unwed mothers were quite different, though equally cruel. As Freudian theory seeped into the front lines of service delivery in social agencies, white single mothers were for the first time diagnosed as psychologically disturbed. Their nonmarital pregnancies treated as evidence that they were unfit to be mothers. Treatment for these girls and women involved banishing them from their families and communities and placing them in maternity homes or other remote locations..


I am assuming belleinblue you were born in 1978.. IMO this kind of thinking carried over into that year.. and this kind of shame that was heaped upon some of us.. stayed with us.. we did deviant behavior and its best to forget..

Page 75 on guilt..

All of these young women felt strangled by a rope pulled from both ends. Pulling from one end, as “Julie” explained, were the adult authorities who demanded docility. At the maternity home, “Everyone was ‘giving up’ her baby. ‘If you love your baby, you will give him up.’ None of the fifty girls at that St. Agnes rebelled. We all felt powerless. Were were so obedient.” The other end of the rope was yanked by “the guilt (these girls) felt for not fight harder to keep their children.“ ---or for not being able to figure out a way to manage alone in a hostile environment.


So take all that into a place where none of it was sorted just ‘forgotten’.. laid to rest.. not spoken about..

How else would some women react other than refuse any kind of thinking in that direction..

Jackie

[belleinblue1978]

She wasn't young, she wasn't unwed. She was married and kept five of my siblings. My father died while she was pregnant. She placed me.

I'm not saying it isn't painful for her, Jackie, I know the pain too. Probably part of the reason it does bother me. I put myself out there for my son, no matter how much it hurts because it isn't about me.

[JustPeachy]

I'm not saying it isn't painful for her, Jackie, I know the pain too. Probably part of the reason it does bother me. I put myself out there for my son, no matter how much it hurts because it isn't about me.

I think everyone has different coping abilities, and some are just not able to set aside their pain, even if it is in the interest of the other person.

I imagine, too, in your situation, the death of your bfather while pregnant compounded everything for your bmom. Not trying to make excuses for her at all, but she must have been devastated, and maybe felt she couldn't raise another child without her husband. Perhaps now it brings back many more feelings of guilt and loss, and triggers not only the relinquishment, but the death of your bdad. I wish she could see past it.

[belleinblue1978]

Well at the risk of sounding nasty, I don't care what her reasons are, I deserved at least a letter telling me she wasn't interested in reunion. Frankly, I have to see it as she is the one with the problem, not me. I get sick of the reasons and whatever. She could write me a letter.

[Jackiejdajda]

belleinblue1978

She wasn't young, she wasn't unwed. She was married and kept five of my siblings. My father died while she was pregnant. She placed me.

You make a decision in a stressful situation and that decision stands.. no turning back..

I think guilt.. maybe the guilt is stopping her..
Maybe she does not have any answers for you.. and can not deal with it..

You have an absolute right to your anger..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Hey there,

I don't need another set of grandparents and at first I wasn't even comfortable with my mom sending pics of my kids to this lady but I got over it cause it is what she wanted.

I'm so glad that you wrote this. I had been struggling with my eldest daughter's anger over my decision to search for my son/daughter. She was making threats regarding it; demands I could not meet. I had decided to go ahead in my search regardless though I will of course respect my eldest's wishes should my son/daughter want to meet me. I.e., I will not force them on her or vice-versa. Such a thing would be wrong. They are adults and should be treated with respect. I'd like to say that your statement is a very generous and kind, letting your mom own this and coming to terms with keeping back from it. In the end, this journey is hers and she is the one who needs to make it. Kudos to you for being not only a daughter to your mom but a friend to her too.

I just wondered why, after 50 years she doesn't want to know any of us, or even let the sisters get to know each other. I mean this other girl is an only child, if bmom dies that girl will be all that is left (her dad died already).

A couple of things:

None of us can really know what's going on in someone else's mind. Perhaps she desparately wants to know you but she can't allow herself the right to do so. She's living in too much shame or fear or regret. Jackie has a point in what she's saying. A woman from 4 decades back, shaped by that decade. Pregnant and unmarried in 1958? Maybe it's a good thing that we've almost forgotten what that would've been like. Then again, I wouldn't want women to have to endure the clock "turning back". Praying in a way we never forget so that that never happens.

Of course the operative term is "back then". The world has changed to some extent. But not everyone changes with it. Many people choose to remain emotionally ill, live in shame, hide from society no matter what the circumstance - even though there are therapists and support groups on every corner. As is often said in AA, some people are incapable of being honest with themselves. They simply cannot face who they were and it stops them from being who they are capable of becoming.

Maybe that's what's going on.

You had mentioned that your mom's sister would be alone if the bmom were to die. Have you asked your mom if she'd like to meet her sister should that happen? Perhaps that would be a time for her to do so. Just a thought. Believe me though, my parents have each been married 3 times. I understand the political landmines that exist in families. But, maybe if your mom were open to that, that would be something to consider for the future. You never know right?

Have a better one!

Janey

[mommy2fiveplus]

I am not sure if she will contact her 1/2 sister after her bmom dies or not, I know she is curios, but I think it would be awful hard to walk up to a person you have only seen from a distance and say "hey, I'm your 1/2 sis, your mom had me a few years before you but I guess she didn't tell you about that huh?"

My mom might not be so gung-ho to meet and greet because her parents are still alive but are starting to suffer the maladies of all 80+ year-olds and maybe she is trying to protect them, I don't know.

They (esp. my grandma) have been urging her to go forward for years,(I know grandma and she fits the curiousity killed the cat phrase to a tee) but who knows why my mom is not pursuing more aggressively, mostly I think because it is not what her bmom wants.

You are definetley right, it is not my journey and I am way to young (26y) to have a clue what went on in the 50's.

I think the only part that weirds me out is seeing her(1/2 sis) in public and KNOWING she doesn't know. It has only happened like 3 times, plus my mom's obsessive need to take my kids trick-or-treating there every year.

I was just curious what some bmom's had to say about the subject.

thanks for all the imput!

[Janeytwo]

Hey there,

I think it would be awful hard to walk up to a person you have only seen from a distance,"hey, I'm your 1/2 sis, your mom had me a few years before you but I guess she didn't tell you about that huh?"

Yeah that would definately not be the way to handle that and I'd never be one to suggest acting in such a callous manner.

Your mom sounds from your posts like an intelligent woman who would think her moves through before making them. And with your grandparents' health; them being in their eighties; I'm sure she'd take that into consideration.

Your mom seems like a strong woman.

Janey

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Well at the risk of sounding nasty, I don't care what her reasons are, I deserved at least a letter telling me she wasn't interested in reunion. Frankly, I have to see it as she is the one with the problem, not me. I get sick of the reasons and whatever. She could write me a letter.

Belle, you are right. This is her problem, not yours. The problem is that you are the one who has to deal with the lack of answers. None of us can get inside her head and tell you why she can't even acknowledge that you exist and that she doesn't want to have contact. Those of us who are birthmothers here mostly want to be in contact with our children and so we can't really know why your birth mother is as she is. All you can do is work at accepting your reality. (That doesn't mean that you have to like it, not that any of us see it as the best solution.) I truly wish you could have what I have, a situation in which everyone is interested in getting to know the other.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Belle, you are right. This is her problem, not yours. The problem is that you are the one who has to deal with the lack of answers. None of us can get inside her head and tell you why she can't even acknowledge that you exist and that she doesn't want to have contact. Those of us who are birthmothers here mostly want to be in contact with our children and so we can't really know why your birth mother is as she is. All you can do is work at accepting your reality. (That doesn't mean that you have to like it, not that any of us see it as the best solution.) I truly wish you could have what I have, a situation in which everyone is interested in getting to know the other.

Kathy, I so agree. But in the case of an adoptee its not just about losing the ability to know someone else that is important its about losing the ability to know ourselves bcause its the bparents that hold that info.

I have often said that for an adoptee its not so much about the relationships and navigating the ins and outs in that everloving information that we don't have for ourselves or for our children.

So for many that think its anger due JUST To rejection...its a burning anger that we are not given the basic respect of being able to know about ourselves. I personaly would not have had grreat rejection issues if my bmom denied contact, nor will I if bfather deniies contact...but man, I will be angry if I don;t get the info I want. That...IMO...is just plain selfish. A letter detailing medical, heitage, names ect at a minimam.

But you right, if it is not forthcoming, it is up to the person not getting it to attmpt to deal with it in some healthy way...its tough though.

[kakuehl]

Sometimes I think D now knows more about his heritage (at least my side) than either of my other two. The first things he wanted to know, of course, were things like heritage (some people thought he might be Irish in background - there's some Irish since Mom was a Fitzgerald, but his background is mostly GermanAmerican), the family medical history. So, I hear what you are saying. I wish I could explain why some birthmoms won't share at least that much; unfortunately, it's beyond my comprehension. I've never felt that way. But then, I think I've managed to come through all of this in a pretty healthy way.

[tjp70]

I am reading the replies, and I am an adoptee who is somewhat confused and irritated.
I do not understand lies, secrets, or in my opinion birthmothers not wanting to face reality. Lies and secrects are never healthy for anyone, physically, or emotionally.
My birthmother did not want contact, then 9 months later she did, now four months after the nine months, she changed her mind, she again does not want contact. I think she is in desperate need of some counseling and medication.
I am now in the process of looking for a local support group, and I already have a counselor.
The only conclusion I have come to is she will not get another oppurtunity to push and pull me again.