[agathaj]

I think for me, having a bdaughter that's not keen on contact, I have a different opinion on reunion than what I use to have. I use to think that i could be part of her life ie go to her wedding, treat her children like my grandchildren etc But the reality is far, far different. If I went to her wedding I would be a freak show, I bet half the crowd would think I shouldn't be there and by not being there the other half would think I didn't care. Many adoptees don't let their bmothers treat their children like grandchildren. I would have to explain who this girl was in my life - it opens me up to all those stupid adoption questions and people looking at me differently. Now I think - wht would my role be in her life??? At best I think it would probably only be an email relationship perhaps. She'd never spend xmas with me and she'd never spend her bday with me or other holidays. I think the dynamics are way way to hard for both sides. Sure secrets can be toxic etc but explaining and explaining and explaining andknowing that people will never understand gets weary. My life is great - why risk it? I think that she has done me a good deed. It's woken me up to reality - perhaps these other bmothers have thought it through too and like their lives the way they are - is that a bad thing? I don't think so.

[djvj]

may i suggest you purchase and read a book i am currently reading, called The Girls Who Went Away?IMO, this book explains so so so much about the birthmother experience, at least as it still basically seemed in 1985 when i relinquished.

i am in reunion now with my bdaughter. i want you to know that it is an extremely pain filled process, as well as joy filled process, for birthmothers who relinquished in an era when shame, guilt, and social pressure left us feeling we were unworthy of our children and really doing what was in their best interests. some people burried this pain so deeply they simply can't go there. it makes me sad for them as well as the children who seek them out, but i realize after reading this book that i am not in any position to judge how they have coped with the "emotionally impossible". i suggest you read this not only to understand her actions, but also to remove any doubt you have about them being in any way a reaction to YOU, which it sounds like they are not...
best of luck to you...

[Jo Ellen]

Jackie... you are so right about secrets hurting. I also know some bmoms have a lot of pain and suffering and many times it is their fear of not wanting to face the pain again that keeps them from having contact with the children they relinquished to adoption. I also know it takes some longer than others as everyone's situation is different. We just have to understand that some may never put themselves in the position of ever having to face it all again while others will jump at the chance the minute they can.

[Jackiejdajda]

Jo Ellen

Jackie... you are so right about secrets hurting.

I hate that they hurt the one seeking information or a relationship..

I also know some bmoms have a lot of pain and suffering and many times it is their fear of not wanting to face the pain again that keeps them from having contact with the children they relinquished to adoption.

I still have it.. with all my practical knowledge I still have a hard time picking up that phone and calling him..
Its his birthday soon.. and I keep thinking of calling him and I keep thinking I will let it be.. and not go there..

I also know it takes some longer than others as everyone's situation is different. We just have to understand that some may never put themselves in the position of ever having to face it all again while others will jump at the chance the minute they can.

A person makes a decision.. others tell her what the correct decision is and others don't.. and then its done..
I keep thinking of belleinblue1978 and how her mother gave her up when she was in terrible loss and belleinblue I know she needs to face her dragon.. and face what happened.. But I honestly wonder what I would do..
I may run and hide if in a similar situation..

And I know it’s the cowards way out.. but…. Always the but..

And you have a right to your anger.. anger is the appropriate emotion here.. IMO

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by agathaj

I think for me, having a bdaughter that's not keen on contact, I have a different opinion on reunion than what I use to have. I use to think that i could be part of her life ie go to her wedding, treat her children like my grandchildren etc But the reality is far, far different. If I went to her wedding I would be a freak show, I bet half the crowd would think I shouldn't be there and by not being there the other half would think I didn't care. Many adoptees don't let their bmothers treat their children like grandchildren. I would have to explain who this girl was in my life - it opens me up to all those stupid adoption questions and people looking at me differently. Now I think - wht would my role be in her life??? At best I think it would probably only be an email relationship perhaps. She'd never spend xmas with me and she'd never spend her bday with me or other holidays. I think the dynamics are way way to hard for both sides. Sure secrets can be toxic etc but explaining and explaining and explaining andknowing that people will never understand gets weary. My life is great - why risk it? I think that she has done me a good deed. It's woken me up to reality - perhaps these other bmothers have thought it through too and like their lives the way they are - is that a bad thing? I don't think so.

Unfortunately, I missed D's wedding. I found him in September after he had married in July. On the other hand, I think his marriage was one of the reasons our reunion has been such a healthy one. He is very grounded in his life which has enabled him to welcome me as a part of it. We mostly communicate by IM (I still worry about interrupting his life with phone calls, although we do occasionally talk by phone). I know that he stays in contact with my other children. (He sometimes knows what's happening in their lives before I do.) I have spent Christmas Day with them (I got to meet his sisters; he met my dad.) We are invited for birthday parties, etc. Is the relationship perfect? By no means. It continues to be a work in progress. Our relationship is not mother/son, but it is in D's words "healthy". Both of us have moments of insecurity, but we mostly trust the other. He knows I love him and his family.

Why am I telling you all this? I guess I want you to know that a good relationship between adoptee and birth parent is possible. D's relationship with his (a) parents is pretty good right now. I'm not a secret from them. I see them at David's. His mom had some reservations at the beginning, but our relationship has gotten more comfortable.

This is not a "perfect" reunion, but it is a good one. It is a relationship based on who we are. No two reunions are going to be the same because the people involved are different. All of us have grief issues surrounding adoption. Some of us never leave the denial stage of grief; Others are stuck in anger. I think that reunions have most chance of success when both sides have "worked through" their own grief issues. Not easy.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I keep thinking of belleinblue1978 and how her mother gave her up when she was in terrible loss and belleinblue I know she needs to face her dragon.. and face what happened.. But I honestly wonder what I would do..
I may run and hide if in a similar situation..

And I know it’s the cowards way out.. but…. Always the but..

And you have a right to your anger.. anger is the appropriate emotion here.. IMO

Jackie

Jackie,

You're right, her circumstances were hard. It wasn't as if I placed my son with a heart full of joy. I get that, I had alot of loss in my life when I placed my son that wasn't adoption related as well.

I'm not trying to negate her feelings at all. However, I get sick of hearing I don't understand what it is like to place a child, when I post about my lack of reunion with her. I know exactly how it is. I know about guilt, I know about fear, I know about hiding things. I did all of those things.

For anyone that thinks that the stigma of being a firstmother is gone, it isn't. I get talked about in the grocery store. I'm "that blonde girl that works at X with all of those problems because she gave her baby away." The stigma isn't gone, OA doesn't fix the pain, it just changes it.

The sad thing is, I have a brother that was WILD to reunite with me. Now he won't even pick up the phone and call. Seriously, all these people have done is cause me pain. I could give a rip about how it is for them. I'm a good person and they are the ones that are missing out.