[maxkinzie]

Hi,
I've learned so much over the past few years from the Birth/First/Expectant Moms I'd appreciate your thoughts on this, please.
This for now is hypothetical, for today.
What I'll say about her sitation is that she's not where she is because she's an addict, or because she's been in prison or anything like that. We've been in e-mail contact and it breaks my heart to see her keep trying and not "making it". No doubt she loves our DD as much as we do.
My question is this - if we're clear that this "gift" would be because we won a judgement (meaning: don't expect this again), could we send a "cash" gift. I guess I'm looking for reasons that would make this a bad idea. I'd hate to somehow inadvertently make her feel bad. I'm not talking thousands, maybe $500 or so.
Okay, DD has been sick and I've had way to much time to think about this...how besides sending cash(which I won't) would we go about doing this without leaving this woman with a big check/money order that she can't cash because she can't explain where it came from? (DD was a secret from her family)
thanks for your input!

[hollyhunter]

When My d was adopted I was having the worst time of it $wise. If I didn't go to work, my son and I didn't eat. Being in hospital put me out of commission about a week. Social service lady asked if I needed anything when I got out of hospital and I said, yeah some food. She bought us 2 bags of groceries. I was very grateful and never forgot it. I had lots of problems until I finally got on my feet but I always had a plan. I didn't get any help after that from anyone. I learned to be resourceful. I got through college with a small child even. I'd have died before I'd have ask d's parents for anything as poor as I was. If you help her make sure she has a plan. Make sure she doesn't began to expect it from you, If you find out she is a burden eventually then you have to cut her off. She is in the same shape all over again. She should never expect you to help her really, she should find other resources.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by maxkinzie

Hi,
I've learned so much over the past few years from the Birth/First/Expectant Moms I'd appreciate your thoughts on this, please.
This for now is hypothetical, for today.
What I'll say about her sitation is that she's not where she is because she's an addict, or because she's been in prison or anything like that. We've been in e-mail contact and it breaks my heart to see her keep trying and not "making it". No doubt she loves our DD as much as we do.
My question is this - if we're clear that this "gift" would be because we won a judgement (meaning: don't expect this again), could we send a "cash" gift. I guess I'm looking for reasons that would make this a bad idea. I'd hate to somehow inadvertently make her feel bad. I'm not talking thousands, maybe $500 or so.
Okay, DD has been sick and I've had way to much time to think about this...how besides sending cash(which I won't) would we go about doing this without leaving this woman with a big check/money order that she can't cash because she can't explain where it came from? (DD was a secret from her family)
thanks for your input!

Get a VISA gift card. She will swipe it like a credit card anywhere that takes a credit card. You can get it on the internet and have it mailed to her.

Having said that--her problems are not your problems. Yet, do you want dd to ask you someday why you didn't help her?

Dh and I are facing that question, and the answer will be because of the drugs and criminal behavior. You may not have that answer.

Take care not to begin a pattern of dependency. You may have to limit yourselves to supportive listening and advice.

[EZ2Luv]

Is there a way you could space out the amount? Lets say, a little at Chritmas or birthday? JMO, I have seen the best of relationships go down the tubes the minute money enters the picture. Like others have said, it could get sticky if she begins to expect this. Is there anything that you know for a fact that she needs? I am veryleery when it comes to given money and gft cards to people. Personally I wouldn't do it.

EZ

[maxkinzie]

Thanks for the replies!

It would be clearly stated that this was a one time event based on if "X" happens here.

For lack of a better way of putting it (and I know she didn't set out to "give anyone a gift!), but she gave us what we couldn't have, we are deeply grateful and honored to be parenting DD...and she is truly below the poverty line...AND we could be in a position to do this for her. and we want to if possible. Have considered the how's to doing it anonymously

I don't know, it's fun to think about the actually having the ability to perhaps brighten someone who we care about's day :-) in this way.

[Emberbit]

I can’t say whether you should but here are some thoughts:

Too much as a lump sum may just get spent on random things and not actually help her in a meaningful way. If she isn’t good at budgeting, she probably won’t be able to save it for unexpected expenses, you know?

Do you know her first/last name and address? Try calling her electric company and asking to put a credit on her account. Then she won’t have to pay her electric bill for a little while, maybe months which will ease things elsewhere. (My grandparents did this for me once when I was in college and you could probably do it for pretty much any bill…)

Visa gift cards are good except for the lump sum thing, so are grocery store gift cards (or Wal-Mart), if there are sheetz gas stations near there, a gift card there will help her fill up her car/grab a quick meal…and the money she would have spent there can then go to other things. If she has a Costco or a Sam’s Club, you could buy a year’s membership and then get her a gift card there.

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by maxkinzie

Hi,
I've learned so much over the past few years from the Birth/First/Expectant Moms I'd appreciate your thoughts on this, please.
This for now is hypothetical, for today.
What I'll say about her situation is that she's not where she is because she's an addict, or because she's been in prison or anything like that. We've been in e-mail contact and it breaks my heart to see her keep trying and not "making it". No doubt she loves our DD as much as we do.
My question is this - if we're clear that this "gift" would be because we won a judgement (meaning: don't expect this again), could we send a "cash" gift. I guess I'm looking for reasons that would make this a bad idea. I'd hate to somehow inadvertently make her feel bad. I'm not talking thousands, maybe $500 or so.
Okay, DD has been sick and I've had way to much time to think about this...how besides sending cash(which I won't) would we go about doing this without leaving this woman with a big check/money order that she can't cash because she can't explain where it came from? (DD was a secret from her family)
thanks for your input!

Hi Maxkinzie...you seem like a very kind and thoughtful person and that's so refreshing! I am a B-mom and my adoption was closed so I never had this issue come up but I want to share what I think I'd like to have happen if I were in her shoes, OK?
You stated she has no criminal or addiction related issues and your biggest concern is simply that the adoption is a secret from her family, right? That being the case I'd treat this gift as you would any other gift; JUST DO IT. IMO the VISA gift card instead of cash is a wonderful way to do it and no explanation should be necessary to anyone since she can spend it in any amount she is comfortable with.

I disagree with some of the other posters here who say you should put stipulations on this gift or pay a bill or buy her food instead. IMO a gift is just that; if you need to put certain "conditions" in place or decide how it will best be used then perhaps it shouldn't be given; would you ever consider paying a co-workers electric bill during the office Xmas party or bringing her in a bag of groceries? If someone, other than my parents, paid my electric bill or any bill without asking me I'd feel like a charity case, period. I'd wonder why they don't think I'll be capable of doing this if I haven't told them so? Even if she decides to blow it all on balloons, cookies and stuffed animals, that should be OK since she has no addiction issues, right? A gift should make the person receiving it happy, IMO. And MOST B-Moms are just like everyone else; some of us know how to handle money, don't have addiction issues, know that our financial situations are usually temporary, and would rather eat grass soup with paper pancakes than ask our kids a-parents for anything other than what they've already given us; the unconditional love for a child we love too. JMO...Thanks, Tracy

[cbrink7]

Originally Posted by Emberbit

I can’t say whether you should but here are some thoughts:

Too much as a lump sum may just get spent on random things and not actually help her in a meaningful way. If she isn’t good at budgeting, she probably won’t be able to save it for unexpected expenses, you know?

Do you know her first/last name and address? Try calling her electric company and asking to put a credit on her account. Then she won’t have to pay her electric bill for a little while, maybe months which will ease things elsewhere. (My grandparents did this for me once when I was in college and you could probably do it for pretty much any bill…)

Visa gift cards are good except for the lump sum thing, so are grocery store gift cards (or Wal-Mart), if there are sheetz gas stations near there, a gift card there will help her fill up her car/grab a quick meal…and the money she would have spent there can then go to other things. If she has a Costco or a Sam’s Club, you could buy a year’s membership and then get her a gift card there.

I agree on the gift card thing. One to Walmart for groceries and things, gas card, etc. Maybe also you could pay her rent (of course depending on how much it is) for the month. That way you could pay it directly to the landlord without any cash exchanging between you two.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by maxkinzie

I don't know, it's fun to think about the actually having the ability to perhaps brighten someone who we care about's day :-) in this way.

It's fun to think about? This statement made me very uncomfortable.

If you want to help her and there is a specific need you can take care of with a gift, fine. Just do it and be done with it.

If you are living some kind of "Lady Bountiful" fantasy about your child's birthmother I suggest you keep it a fantasy. This woman feels bad enough about relinquishing her child and doesn't need to be treated like a charity case.

[cbrink7]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

It's fun to think about? This statement made me very uncomfortable.

If you want to help her and there is a specific need you can take care of with a gift, fine. Just do it and be done with it.

If you are living some kind of "Lady Bountiful" fantasy about your child's birthmother I suggest you keep it a fantasy. This woman feels bad enough about relinquishing her child and doesn't need to be treated like a charity case.

Robin Kay-It sounds like to me that the OP just made that statement in general as in helping anyone she cares about in this way. I am sure that if it was her aunt or cousin she would be doing that same thing, and feeling good about making their life easier. She also mentioned that at this moment she and her DH are in the position to help an extended "family" member and it makes her feel good to know that she has the extra finances and is using them to help someone she cares about. The OP obviously has a big heart and a very big place in it for her DD's bmom.

Sorry to the OP if I am speaking for you, but this is just my thought when I reading Robins statement...

Take care...

[maxkinzie]

RobinKay, Didn't really mean any more than it would be nice to BE ABLE to help out someone we care about, I like thinking that (for a change) we'd be able to be the ones helping, or maybe calling it a gift would be more appropriate. I'm just sooo grateful to have DD in our lives and hate to see DD's other mom so down, she was the first one I thought when it looked like this whole scenario might happen. Thought maybe we as a family could go out on a limb and share a little good fortune instead of hoarding it all for US US US, kwim?

That said, I DO appreciate your sentiment, and agree. Being on the adopting parent side of the traige I've learned here that some of my best intentions/language/views might not be interpreted as I intended them. I know I can't possibly understand a whole lot of it, and that's why I bring it to the board. I have nothing but respect for DD's other Mom and I thank you ALL for helping me/others try not to cause additional pain!

Peace