[mygrl4meee]

My birth daughter will be 17 years old on 9/11. I am normally at a point in my life, where I think about her, and wonder how I made it through the tough years. That would be the first couple years. Well those were the hardest at least.
About a month or so, I came across her parents name in the phone book. It's hear say that she wants to meet me when she turns 18 years old. She lives less than a 1/2 mile from where my older son stays with his Dad. I drive past it weekly when we exchange vistition between the two boys.
I am really bummed out lately. My birth daughter is so close, yet so far away. I feel like my sons are growing too fast, summer is flying by. My elderly clients are 97 years old. I spend 72 hours a week at thier place. I do 3 live in shifts per week. I am always in fear that one of them is going to die. I look in on them when they are sleeping, to check to see if they are breathing.
I have no energy lately, and been having some problems with not having enough cash to do fun things with my boys. Of course I have limited time because of my hours at work.
I start college part time in two weeks, and I am really worried about it. I need to get back to normal, but don't quite know what to do about it.
Well thanks for listening.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Mygrl,

Sounds like you're under a lot of stress what with going back to school and then working still and then your boys growing up.

I know what you mean about summer flying by. This year has gone extremely fast hasn't it? Or is just me? LOL!

Just wanted to give you a hug so you know you're not alone.

Take care of you today!

Janey

[djvj]

i found myself renewing the intensity of my thoughts of my birth daughter around time she turned age 16 -- the first 5 years of her life were the hardest, the next 11 bearable (but never ok) and then 16 - 23 (when we reunited) seemed to get harder each year, perhaps it was in expectation of contact or simple disbelief that so much time had went by -- i never stopped missing her but there were definately years that were more intense from me.

also sounds like "loss" or potential loss issues are a strong theme in your life right now...i'm learning that none of this process is ever easy or simple, even the perfect, beautiful parts.

so i just keep reading and posting and gaining insight and strength from the incredible posts and people on this site -- it's really helping me cope with my own feelings about a recent reunion and my reactions to it...
best of luck, at least here you find you are never alone!

[mygrl4meee]

I wanted to share a little more of my story. Like I said, i never told my mom, I was pregnant until I went into labor, but didn't have the guts to tell her in was in labor. So I went to school. I suffered through labor pains till I was in 4th hour. I was at the beginning of the 9th grade year. I went to the nurse and my aunt came and got me for my mom.
When I told my mom I was pregnant, I lied and told her it was by force. So I carry a lot of guilt, maybe my mom wouldn't have pushed for adoption. If i hadn't lied. But my biggest fear is that my birth daughter grew up thinking it was true.
After she was born, the school arranged for me to be home schooled for the six weeks, which turned into more like 8 weeks, because my mom didn't get me to the doc for my 9th grade check up.
As soon as I got to back to school, I met with the crisis counsler Mr. Franiak, and of course the teacher that home schooled me payed attention to me too. Then they called me down to meet the truency officer, because I had a habit to skip school. He told they weren't playing my games. The school adviced that I didn't tell the other kids, that I had a baby.
But most of the other kids suspected it, and weren't afaid to ask me. I had tons of support and remember them all by names to this day. The crisis counsler was upset that my Mom didn't get me set up with therapy. So he had someone come to the school to meet with me. She would come back at different times, so I wouldn't miss too much of one class. It seems like I was always in the office for one reason or another. It wasn't because I was acting out. They just checked in with me, making sure I was okay.
At the end of the year, I wasn't able to go to the high school, because my mom moved again. I was going to have to go to another district high school or drop out. I was dead set agaisint going to this other school. I had my reasons.
So the truency officer helped me get into a alternative school. I finished there. I was so happy to just be normal. Or at least pretend to be normal. Not too many people knew my story, or they didn't let it on. There was this one counsler that wanted me to help this pregnant girl, who was thinking about adoption. I didn't have it in me. I still hated pregnant girls. I even hated seeing babies.
I guess part of my depression is that I learned my daughter went to the school I went into in 9th grade. But more so that because I let my 13 year old decide to stay with his Dad. We divorced and he didn't handle it well. My son is starting his 8th grade year at the same school. It scares me to go back there. It's my ex husband who is suppose to take care of his school issues, and I take care of our 8 year olds school stuff. But I am not that way. I still will want to be part of his education. Even though I had a lot of support, that school was where, I spent a year of living hell.
I remember coming to school, after I found out, that they moved out of town. I was at my locker, and a girlfriend of my cousin's comes up and yells at me. I started to do what I normally do. Stay out of trouble and let her yell at me until she went back to her locker. Then I took my anger out on her and got in her face, and the teacher Liz that home schooled me, had to seperate us.
I am a strong believer if someone helped you, for them to know it. A couple weeks ago, I wrote a letter to the truency officer, that chased me around in 8th grade. I am debating on writing the crisis counsler that helped me out in 9th grade. He would be almost 70 years at the point. I am afraid if I talk to these guys too much, my husband will think, I am a nut.Well I have went on long enough for now. Thanks everyone.

[Janeytwo]

Hey there!

i never told my mom, I was pregnant until I went into labor, but didn't have the guts to tell her in was in labor. So I went to school. I suffered through labor pains till I was in 4th hour. I was at the beginning of the 9th grade year.

You were so very young. IMO, you need to work on forgiving yourself. You know, I had been thinking back today on my pregnancy; how I hid it until it was more than obvious. I was living in the street then and after 2 days with nothing to eat but a bag of pumpkin seeds I finally got the nerve up to call my mother and tell her what was going on. But boy, it soooo hard!! I was so young and I think that young teens tell themselves all sorts of things; play mindgames with themselves; magical thinking. "Maybe somebody will rescue me from this and I won't have to face it!"

I lied and told her it was by force. So I carry a lot of guilt, maybe my mom wouldn't have pushed for adoption. If i hadn't lied.

Again, I think you need to forgive yourself. You were young and afraid. Also, hindsight isn't always 20/20. Maybe your mom would'nt have wanted you to keep the baby no matter what the circumstances behind her conception. You were young; that probably was her primary concern.

Perhaps if you get the chance you can explain this to your daughter (if she happens to find out the other story). Ask her to forgive you; that you were so so young and panicked. It's completely understandable, at least from my point of view.

Hugs to you today!

Janey

[JustPeachy]

Yes, to echo what Janey said, please forgive yourself. It must have been terrifying to go through that all alone, especially at that age, and then to be in labor and afraid to say anything, I just cannot imagine how you coped. I am sure your daughter could understand your circumstances, and that out of fear, you said the pregnancy was the result of rape, but it could be that she was never told this anyway, so it may not even be an issue for you to have to explain to her.

I am a strong believer if someone helped you, for them to know it. A couple weeks ago, I wrote a letter to the truency officer, that chased me around in 8th grade. I am debating on writing the crisis counsler that helped me out in 9th grade. He would be almost 70 years at the point. I am afraid if I talk to these guys too much, my husband will think, I am a nut.Well I have went on long enough for now. Thanks everyone.

I feel the same, and every time I've told someone and especially if I took the time to write them a letter, it has always been so appreciated. I say write the crisis counselor. I'm sure your letter will be treasured by him.

[Jackiejdajda]

mygrl4meee

There was this one counsler that wanted me to help this pregnant girl, who was thinking about adoption. I didn't have it in me. I still hated pregnant girls. I even hated seeing babies.

No blame in this.. my goodness.. you had not sorted your own relinquishment and they expected you to go through it again?

Helloo!

Thanks for sharing your story.. how very difficult it all must have been..

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Hi Mygirl,
I am a bit confused ... are you currently married? In your last post you raised the concern that your husband might think you are nuts if you talk to the people who helped you too much.

I don't think the depression is too surprising! There's a lot going on in your life right now...plus your daughter's birthday is approaching. It might be a good time to get some counseling to help sort through everything. There are a lot of triggers in your life right now, including your son attending the school that has such awful memories for you. (Of course, with your schedule, I'm not sure when you have time to see a counselor!) Colleges usually have counselors available for their students.

Feel free to come here anytime for support, advice, or just to vent. We're pretty good a propping each other up!

[mygrl4meee]

Yes I am married, We have only been married since oct 24th of last year. There is also the issue of my ex husband, who has told about my daughter without asking me first. My new husband thinks he does this to hurt me.
My husband hasn't said, I am nuts to contact these people that helped me out. But I think he does find it a little strange. I wrote the truency officer,and he wrote back, and seems open to wanting to hear how things go with school. My husband said, once is enough. My husband is 16 years older than me. So maybe the fact that, after I did the math. The truency officer is about his age, scares him.
Yesterday I wrote the crisis counsler a long letter, reminding him of who I was, and how helpful he was, and that while at times, I get down because of missing my daughter, that I am happy person. It felt good to just get those feelings out in writing. It's been something, I have been wanting to do for a long time. He turned 50 when I was a student at his school. So I am glad that i finally did it.
I am thinking about finding a way to get some therapy. It might do me good. Thanks everyone.

[djvj]

do you ever stop and look at children who are the age you were when you delivered?

my god, when i see an average 17 year old, i forgive myself sooooo much.

you were a child. you did what children do when they can't cope: went in to denial, told a few lies, and did the best you could to avoid trouble.

when you start to feel guilty about your actions in those days, please, please at least give yourself the compassion and love you would naturally give to any lost, confused child who is coping with more than they can handle...i'm really glad there were a few wise adults who reached out to you...now it is your turn to be the wise adult and go back and comfort that (15?) year old...

thanks for sharing

[mygrl4meee]

Originally Posted by djvj

do you ever stop and look at children who are the age you were when you delivered?

my god, when i see an average 17 year old, i forgive myself sooooo much.

you were a child. you did what children do when they can't cope: went in to denial, told a few lies, and did the best you could to avoid trouble.

when you start to feel guilty about your actions in those days, please, please at least give yourself the compassion and love you would naturally give to any lost, confused child who is coping with more than they can handle...i'm really glad there were a few wise adults who reached out to you...now it is your turn to be the wise adult and go back and comfort that (15?) year old...

thanks for sharing

Thank you for much, I am going to try and keep your words in my mind. Everyone is great. I am starting to feel a little better.
This past week, I have been going for walks, I have a 10 month old black lab. I have been evening doing little things, at work to keep active. Older people sleep so much. So if my mind is wondering too much, I have been doing girl push ups, and other exercises that are good for me.
Writing to a two of the people, who touched my heart as a teenager, made me feel really good.
Lastly I have a blog, at first I didn't mean it to be something, too many people would read. But my husband passed it on to a few people, so I decided why not just share it with everyone. But just today, I decided, I am not going to stay sweep my daughter under the rug anymore. I mentioned her in my blog!! As far as I know,a brother and sister, don't know about her. I was told not to tell them, way back then. So if they haven't been told, they will know something now, that is if they take the time to read it.
I probably will still have my ups and downs, but I feel as if, things will get better. Thanks all.

[Janeytwo]

Hey "mygrl" :-)

I am thinking about finding a way to get some therapy. It might do me good.

I'm so glad to see this! Therapy is something you deserve in order to take care of yourself.

I know I keep saying this over and over (must sound like a lunatic broken record - LOL!) But you were very, very young when you had your daughter. You need to do this for yourself. It would be so good for you to have an objective person to guide your through all the emotions running beneath the surface.

I hope you can find a way.

Keep writing too! :-)

Janey