[djvj]

Last week i was reunited with my beautiful daughter and her wonderful family for the first time in 23 years.

She is everything and more than i had every hoped -- valedictorian of her high school, graduated college at the top of her class in architectual interior design, gorgeous, kind, talented. Her parents are some of the most compassionate, wonderful, interesting people I have ever had the privilege to meet, and they have welcomed me into their family with open arms, literally saying I was now a member of their family and welcome for holidays, visits, and family vacations any time. We all had a wonderful 5 days in San Francisco (they live in WA, I'm in CA) together and spent our time laughing, crying a little, sightseeing, and generally having the time of our lives. It was true magic.

They left one week ago today, and have been so considerate ever since, sending affectionate emails, making multiple phone calls and sharing photos of the trip with me over the net. We're already planning for a second reunion at their home in September. Everyone is excited about the future, and I've spent the week feeling grateful and walking on air.

Then suddenly, today, I've been constantly bursting into tears, feeling lonely and depressed, and at 2am, unable to sleep, was curled up in a ball crying for that tiny infant I let go of 23 years ago. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??? I couldn't have made a more perfect choice for my daughter, and she couldn't have had better parents or a better life. Why am I suddenly so grief stricken and sad? This is a wonderful new beginning.

Am I going insane? Is this some kind of delayed response to a second parting? Has anyone else out there experienced this? I literally feel knocked out by pain and sadness. I know I am sooo lucky and I should be only grateful and happy for the future...I'm really really confused and I hope it doesn't last because I simply can't even speak to any of them feeling like this... I tend to withdraw when I feel down, but I absolutely don't want to in any way seem to back away from them -- they are such wonderful people and I have so much love and respect for them all.

If any of you have ever experienced this, do you have any advice on how to handle it? What do I do??

[SchmennaLeigh]

Congratulations on your reunion!! It sounds as if it went wonderfully!

While my adoption is open and I do not have such lengths of time between seeing my daughter, I can tell you that, in my experience, the emotional upheaval after a visit can be overwhelming. From the discussions I have had with birth parents of differing relationships with their child/child's family, this seems to be the norm. The "crash" after a visit, good or bad.

I encourage you to write about it here and to reach out to others through this time. Are you in therapy per chance? If so, now would be the time to schedule a visit and not just wait for your next one. Furthermore, if you aren't seeing a therapist/counselor, now might be a great time to seek one out. Talking through these emotions will make it less likely that you'll accidentally take them out on innocent people. (We've all done it, whether it's our spouse, a random stranger who accidentally cut us off on our way to work or our children.)

Hang in. You're not alone!

[Janeytwo]

Hey there!

I am so happy for you that things have worked out so well with your daughter and her family. For those of us uncertain of the future this is an uplifting, much needed post! So thank you for that first of all.

I've spent the week feeling grateful and walking on air. Then suddenly, today, I've been constantly bursting into tears, feeling lonely and depressed, and at 2am, unable to sleep, was curled up in a ball crying for that tiny infant I let go of 23 years ago. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM???

IMO, I don't think you have a problem kiddo, I think you're simply human and, like everyone else, have been through a cathartic experience with all of the ups/downs/inbetweens that such a thing brings with it.

Great happiness is often tinged with bittersweet regret, ya know? Like when we spend a perfect day at a park with our loved ones; the kind of day where the air is "just right", the sky is the bluest-blue; the food is fabulous and everyone is happy. Then at some point we look up at the sky and think, "Why can't this moment last forever? Why do we all have to move on? Why does life and it's commitments have to intrude on this peace?"

Conversely, how many of us have been at funerals where we're heartbroken with loss and then some of us will gather in a little circle outside and someone will mention a hilarious quirk or habit of the loved one who passed; or someone will say that they adored the person even though sometimes they were a pain in the ***. Then everybody will laugh and nod.

Sorrow in the midst of joy; joy in the midst of pain.

Life.

All good things to you and yours my friend,

Janey

[JustPeachy]

I am not yet in reunion, but just getting identifying info about my child sent me into a tailspin. I was totally blindsided by my emotional reactions. First it was shock, then elation, then anxiousness, then fear, then sadness, then more fear, etc. It took me awhile to process all that, and I'm very in touch with my feelings and have a very rational mind, so this totally threw me for a loop. I did work these issues out in therapy and once I let things settle a bit, I felt so much better and stronger, and even empowered by having gone through it. I can only imagine, though, what it will be like if I actually have a reunion! Probably much of what you describe.

I'm like you in that I withdraw when I'm upset, and I felt so overwhelmed that I actually considered shutting the door on everything/everyone. But again, once I worked through it, I was fine, so I came to realize it was just the anxiety talking and fear of the unknown (the "what-ifs"). I also don't normally rush relationships or make friends fast, so if I were thrown into a whirlwind reunion and expected to be "instant family" (nice as that is), I would be overwhelmed, for sure.

Take some time to process all of your emotions and let yourself feel them, even if they are painful. I highly recommend speaking to a therapist (a good one). And if there is an adoption support group in your area, attend. And if you need more time, there is nothing wrong with telling people you need this. I don't think anyone would be offended if you were honest and said you need some breathing room to process everything. It is a lot to absorb at once.

[quantum]

YES YES YES!!!

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I had my first FTF with my son almost a year and a half ago, found him not long before that. His stepmom is nearly ready for us to move in...that's how welcoming they've been. We have QUITE a distance problem as he lives in DE and I live in Sweden. You know what though, I crashed too. I've gone through quite down times, sort of regret over missing him growing up. Regret that I'll NEVER have the closeness with him that I would if I'd raised him and so on.
A huge amount of what I've had to process is ANGER especially towards my parents.
BUT he DOES have a great life. He's happy. He's doing well, his stepmom and dad seem great (won't talk about amom in this, she has some issues with me I guess, afraid I'll steal him?).

What has helped me? Posting here has helped a lot. I feel like I've reached a nice spot with my son in some ways. He sent me a fabulous Mother's Day card this year which helped. I still get pangs...if I'd felt like I could find a therapist who knew about adoption issues here, I would consider it. Although I also don't feel for rehashing things in therapy yet again.

HANG IN THERE! I think that's the best advice I can give. Know that you are not alone. Talk. Give yourself permission to feel how you feel.

Congrats on your great reunion!

[soprano]

I too had depression. I have come to realize that I was grieving all the moments in her life I missed and being a part of the person she became. I didn't have anyone to validate my feelings at the time, tho. Know you aren't crazy (any more than the rest of us here, at least)!

Soprano

[djvj]

oh, THANK YOU all for the posts and for sharing your experiences with me...in particular someone referenced the adoption socialization thread which i found really helpful...

knowing that i'm not completely off my rocker at least takes the edge of panic off this. and quantum, your comment about anger at your own parents DEFINATLELY rings a bell...

the twin dreams of reuniting with my daughter (who i have ached for each and every day for 23 years) and of also being offered a sort surrogate family in her parents (who are 21 and 26 years older than me, and everything my own parents are not) having just been fulfilled, i just couldn't understand why i felt so miserable. It clearly isn't my daughter or her family or anything they did.

and feeling the (now i know) natural urge to suddenly back off in my grief filled me with guilt on top of the depression-- for 23 years i've been the distant loving mother who would do anything for her bdaughter, but now feel like curling up in a ball and sobbing having just started a lovely relationship??

and yes, thank god, i do have a therapist, but honestly earlier felt ashamed to say anything to them because i couldn't understand where this was coming from. MORE THAN ANYTHING I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO SCREW THIS UP!!!!!!!

i feel blessed by the reunion and grateful for your responses because they put my emotional reaction in persepective...thank you all for taking the time to post with your supportive comments...

[djvj]

i feel better intellectually knowing my emotions are normal, but find myself consumed with worry on how to handle this...i had arranged to have a well connected friend help my daughter find a good internship/first job out of college - me and friend were going to meet for dinner this week which i am ABSOLUTELY not up for and unfortunately had already mentioned this to bdaughter, who is eager to start her post college life...

what do i say? i wrote on my facebook profile (our main source of day to day contact) that i was sick. i simply don't want to let her down in any way, but am not capable of leaving my house at the moment (except for therapy tomorrow) -- i'm really a mess, and i'd have to be in better shape to be social on any level right now.

i just don't want to disapoint her or let her down...i am so frustrated that i have waited and dreamed of the day i could be in her life and possibly even contribute something besides prayers and genetics for 23 years and now that the time is here I am finding myself just debilitated. I truly want to be a good bmom to her, and to do what is best for her health and happiness, but i just can't control my emotions right now. how do i hide this so i do not upset her?

[RavenSong]

Take some deep breaths...I'm serious. You have the rest of your life to build your relationship with your daughter. For right now, I think it's important for you to try to relax a bit, ponder on all that's happened in the past few weeks, write your thoughts and feelings down in a journal. And talk to us...there's always somebody hanging around on the forums here. I'm often available to shoot the breeze with in the middle of the night (California time).

You're going to be just fine. I imagine, if you're like the vast majority of bmoms who've gone thru reunion, there are a million feelings, thoughts, and memories going on inside you right now. It's just gonna take some time to sort them out.

I'm glad you have a therapist. That made all the difference to me when I reunited with my son. The other thing that was really helpful was I joined an adoption triad support group. If you send me a Private Message and tell me where you live, I can run a search for you and see if I can find any support groups near your local area.

[quantum]

Feel free to curl up in a ball on the bed and have a good cry! That's how I spent my birthday last year...

You will find peace with this, I know you will! Just give yourself some time.

[Jackiejdajda]

Djvj

I literally feel knocked out by pain and sadness it?

It happened to me when I first reunited..
And be yourself.. honor yourself.. honor your feelings..



Jackie

[Mockingbird]

djvj,

I didn't have the experience of meeting my son's family (wouldn't have been like your meeting though); but I did have that horrible grief.

I think part of it was what I had held in for the 37 years without him. After meeting him for the first time (6 months ago), I saw his face and his smile, heard him laugh, got to know him a bit and afterward grieved for the child I didn't get to raise; for all of the things I missed seeing and being a part of; for the time we missed being together; knowing that no matter how hard the two of us tried, we couldn't make time go backwards and do it differently. I grieved for "the lost years".

[Lynn]

djvj............Congratulation on your reunion. How wonderful for you. My son and I found each other when he was 33. I didn't meet him face to face until his 35th birthday. He is now 41. The same thing happen to me. I was in such a depression I couldn't dig myself out. I finally had to find a therapist. I didn't have any therapy 41 years ago. We were told just go home and forget about giving our child up for adoption. (Yeah, that happened !!!) Anyway, I know now that I was grieving. Just like Mockingbird said. Grieving all those years without him. I wasn't allowed to grieve at the time of his adoption. I had therapy for 2 years. I can't say I still understand everything and I probably never will, but I am able to cope better. My son is a wonderful man, but I don't see or hear from him often. I have never met his adoped parents and I know I never will. They don't even know he and I know each other. I don't think he will ever tell them. For the first couple years of our reunion he was on my mind 24 hours a day. I had a hard time functioning with day to day things. Now, well I do think of him daily, but I have managed to get on with my life. We all have our ups and downs. We just have to learn to live with them. My advice to you is just enjoy every minute you have with your daughter. It sounds like you have a great start with her and her adopted parents. It's nice she has so much support.
Hugs,
Lynn

[Janeytwo]

I truly want to be a good bmom to her, and to do what is best for her health and happiness, but i just can't control my emotions right now.

Hey! Just checking in to see how you're doing today. Are things a little better for you? I hope so. So much history, so many buried feelings rising to the surface...

Just letting you know I was thinking of ya!

Janey

[djvj]

well, something must be happening inside, because now, in between the sobbing for hours and passing our with my cat in my arms, i am aware of.....a rising...FURY

i've never once allowed myself to question basic things like:
1. did i have a choice, really
2. the fact that i always thought i had an "open" adoption when in fact i have learned this very week on this site that i only had a semi-open
3. why did i not receive any letters after age 10...even if the agency made "mistakes" in communication, why wasn't there more of a push from the other side?
4. why did i have to spend 2 hours comforting amom about fears of losing daughter WHEN I GAVE HER MY DAUGHTER OUT OF PURE LOVE AND SELFLESSNESS????? WHY WAS IT SO HARD TO SHARE HER WITH ME AS AN ADULT????? I GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO HER
5. why am i practically drowning in grief, and worrying about the effect MY grief will have on everyone else, who seem to be doing just fine?

my bdaughter wrote me a short sweet note today asking how i am doing with my business. i haven't eaten a full meal, slept a full night, or left the house since sunday (except once for therapy). how do i answer her?
what can i say?

i am TRYING to tolerate and feel my feelings, but things are not improving, rather getting worse. and i don't have a clue as to what to do.