[eleighb]

I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with a little boy, whom i (and the father) have decided to place and are in the process of setting everything up. For any who (for some reason) recognize me from a couple of years ago when I was pregnant with my second little girl (she's 2 1/2), I decided to parent, but both the father and I agree that adoption is right for this baby (and we're actually taking the steps this time, nothing was done before).

Now on to the issue (sorry for the "intro", but i'm, well, re-new to the board?)
I told my family when we had firmly decided to place, and started meeting with the agency. They knew adoption was a possibility for us when we found out i was pregnant in january. My dad agreed with our decision, as did my sister, both think it is the best option not just for us, but for the baby as well. My mother was upset, understandibly, and was sad for me that I got to a place that I had to make this type of decision, but has overall been pretty supportive of my decision. I also have an aunt who has been like a second mother to me, has helped out immensely with my two girls, and has also said she respects, but does not like, my decision.

Now, all of this is expected, as I'm not thrilled I'm not going to be raising my son, but I know in my heart that it is the best choice for him, the father and I, and our family. I have, however, recently begun to receive communication from some family members that they are outright not happy about my decision, it is wrong. They believe that I am making the biggest mistake of my life, and they don't want to live with it. (there are also cracks about the agency I am using, even tho my whole experience in dealing with them has been nothing but lovely.)

I know that they are not happy about this situation, like I said, it doesn't make me HAPPY, per se, but i am genuinely at peace with it; I am confident. I guess I am just worried that I am going to get guilted and pressured into doing something that i know in my heart isn't right. I'm not making this decision to make them happy, it isn't their decision, I want what's best for my child, and I want what's best for my family (my girls, their dad and myself).

I suppose my issue is how to respond to the naysayers, as they are becoming quite loud. I have had family offer to help temporarily or permanently, altho I have already explained my personal reasons against such options, I even had mother-in-law suggest we give him to his uncle (who is 20 and in IRAQ until FEBRUARY!!!!!!)
How do I get them to understand (at the very least accept) my decision without coming across as "it's my life, my decision, shut up"?

I'm so sorry this is long, but it is late, and alas, I am a chatterbox.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Welcome back.

I have not placed a child, but wanted you to know that I will be saying a prayer for your family as I know this cannot be easy for you.

Your family loves you and I think are really worried about regrets you may have later. There seem to be so many birthmoms in the forum who wish they had parented and who felt pressure and coercion to place that it felt odd to read a post where the birthmom is so confident in her decision and is being pressured to parent.

You are right though.....this is your and your husband's decision and no one else can make it for you two. Only you know what you and your family need out of this and I think it is wonderful that you are happy with the agency you've chosen and feel that they meet those needs.

Does your husband have any doubts that his family or yours could be picking up on? Because you both certainly need to be in agreement on placing just as with parenting.

And just as placing is a private decision, so is parenting and you and your husband should be able to make either without judgements (especially from your family and support system).

Perhaps you could get everyone together on the same page by writing a letter explaining your decision to place, why it will be outside the family, and what you need from them once you have relinquished. I think if things don't get worked out now, they may become unbearable after the birth. Have you thought about an open adoption and how contact with you as well as extended relatives may really benefit your son? There are lots of great gals on here that can give advice on that as well.

Like I said, I'll be praying for you. At 34 weeks, you don't have long (this coming from a woman who gave birth at 34 weeks with both pregnancies). HeeHee

Kim

[Tazer]

Hi and welcome back. I am a B-mom having placed my daughter 23 years ago at birth, so I kinda,sorta,know what both you and possibly your family members might be dealing with and I want to share my thoughts with you.
First of all, adoption is about whats best for the child;period. You seem to have come to terms with this being the best option and thats great. The problem is the best option isn't always the only option and in your family it isn't even the most popular one! Thats OK too, its still your decision to make and you have to just remind them that you are doing the best thing for your son.
I'm not good at putting this into words but I faced the same drama from my family when I placed. My daughter was concieved from rape and I knew I could not raise her. I made my plan at 16 and told my Mom on the day after my first appt with the agency. She was livid to say the least and did everything, offered everything, and warned me of everything that would happen if I proceeded. I did. I did it for her. I let my family vent but I held my ground. I did the very best I could for my baby.
Fast forward to last week: I'm married and I just gave birth to a son on July 26th. I also have twin 16yo girls. I am getting tons of advice from well meaning friends and relatives and yesterday at Walmart even a complete stranger! Despite the fact that we have an excellent pediatrician caring for the baby everyone is telling me what to do. Feed him, don't feed him, spoil him don't spoil him...ugh
My point is everyone has an opinion but not everyone has the sense to keep it to themslves. Take what you need and shelve the rest. Tracy

[eleighb]

Thank you so much for the advice, I know it's not a typical situation.

The father (we are together but not yet married, long story) is sure that we are making the right decision, his is more from a financial aspect, which, actually, for me, isn't the issue in why I think we're doing what's right. I currently have two little girls (k1 will turn four in a couple of weeks, k2 is 2 1/2). I decided to parent them based largely on the fact that I didn't want to disappoint my family by placing, and kind of felt like I was guilted into doing what THEY wanted. Granted, I love my girls to death, I am so glad they are here in my life, but to this day I still doubt whether I made the right decision. I still wonder if they would've been better off with another more stable family. I just think that now, since it's been a couple of years, it would make it harder on everyone to do something now, and it just doesn't seem (to me) fair to the girls especially if I were to change anything. So, I stick with it.

I am struggling both mentally and emotionally with raising two kids, and don't feel capable in either department to raise another. (On top of the fact that I have been struggling with depression and hormone issues for years, it certainly doesn't help.) I know I wouldn't be able to be the type of mother he needs.

I guess what makes me upset in this whole situation is that there was the whole "we support you" in the beginning, and now, that I have six weeks (max) left, NOW I'm getting the truth. It's kind of annoying because on top of getting ready for this, and my personal stressors, I also have a very short time to work thru this with anyone. I just would've liked to know from the beginning, when we had time to talk about it, you know?

I've received all sorts of "resources" from family members pointing out the horror stories of adoption and how hard everything will be. This also annoys me in that my family knows I research like a bookworm on EVERYTHING (i spent hours online just yesterday looking at reviews and prices of burt's bees stuff for pete's sake), and that I also like to have a plan for just about anything. Most of what they sent me were stories from people who didn't have the reality of their decision presented to them beforehand, and while I'm sorry for those that feel "if only i'd known", I am aware of the things I may go thru. I even received a book from the agency that is specifically about the hardships, the feelings I may have, and the brutal truth about what it's like to place a child. And I told my family about it from the beginning.

I just don't feel like they are actually paying attention to what I am saying, and that is getting quite annoying.

I've already told them I am choosing an open adoption, and that I want to have as much set up by the time I give birth as I can (I believe that the first few months are the most important in terms of bonding, and I don't want to confuse him with anything temporary, not just for the baby, but for everyone.) I was told to wait until after the birth, take him home, and see how I feel. I know what it feels like to take a baby home, (having been there twice already), and it just seems cruel to me to start him off in one place just to toss him in another situation. There's just no sense in making things harder than they have to be, and that would do it, you know?

Sigh, I'm not asking them to understand my decision, because they can't without being IN my situation, but I would at least like them to accept and respect it. I'm glad that I finally know what they REALLY think about it, but I hate the fact they waited so long, and it seems like they are trying to "scare" me into parenting, oddly enough. I need emotional and mental support, not financial, and they just don't seem to get that.

And now I am forcing myself to stop, because I am starting to feel witch-y, and don't need to keep the day going by doing nothing but venting.

So anyway, that's my life story (at least the last couple of months). Sorry so long.

[SchmennaLeigh]

In the end, they should come around no matter your eventual decision. My mother, who was 100% for adoption in the beginning, changed her own mind right before I gave birth and it created some communication problems that were misunderstood by both parties. We have since forgiven each other for the grief we caused one another.

I encourage you to be honest with them about how much joking and nagging you can handle while pregnant and stressed. Set boundaries. Let them know that you can listen to what they are saying if it is said in a respectful manner.

[cbrink7]

Only you know what is right for you and your family in any situation. It sounds like you and your partner have not made any rash choice and have done everything to make a plan that you are at peace with. I find that EVERYONE has their own opinion about how or what you should do in life (esp. when you did not ask for their opinion ).

Hopefully you two can lean on each other for that support that your family is not offering. I would also suggest you taking care of your side of the family and him taking care of his (by explaining that you do not want their advice)-that way it will be easier on you and you do not have to deal with it

Take care