[Jackiejdajda]

Eric_N_Hopes_Mom

Sometimes I feel that I need to talk about my situation, other times I feel that I will be judged by those who do not understand my situation. So I don't like to talk about it...

I gave my son up for adoption in the mid sixties and in the late sixties.. I got stoned..
And I stayed stoned in the seventies..
And I had two kids.. in those years.. and I could have lost my babies like you lost yours.

Once (I have shared this at meetings and with my sponsor) I left my daughter in the house in order to go and get my son who was down the street.. a block or so away..
She was around seven at the time..
I had turned a pan off on the stove.. as I was late picking up my son.. but.. I turned the pan up not off..

When I got home my daughter was on the porch and smoke was still coming out of the house..
No fire just smoke.. the pan next to her..
My neighbors helped and did not call the fire alarm.. or the police..

I would have lost my kids because there were drugs in the house.. weed..

You were so unlucky and I am so sorry.. I absolutely understand what you are saying that you were not a hard drug user.. and were taking real good care of your kids..

I told my bson when we finally met up that I was doing drugs in those years.. and he did not comment.. our worlds are very much apart..

Please stay with us.. we learn together..

Jackie

[vegaschristina]

Originally Posted by quantum

I think it is extremely brave of you to post your story. Try to remember if you get negative reactions, it's based on the other person's experiances and so on. They don't know you.

Since I'm the one who left the negative post, I'll clarify my position. You're right, I don't know Eric N Hopes Mom, and what I post is based on my experiences.

It absolutely makes my blood boil when CPS is accused of stealing children. Because that is simply not true in any case I've read. Usually that is what birth parents claim when they have failed to work their case plan to be reunited with their children. It's claimed that so the parent who did not work their case plan can be the victim and not take responsibility for their own actions.

One of the major things that I am working on teaching my 4 1/2 year old is that there are consequences to our actions...some good...some bad. Study and you get good grades. Eat your veggies and you get dessert. Work hard and get a raise.

I am not in any way saying that I'm a perfect parent. I'm not. I make mistakes. However, I've never put my children in danger by my mistakes.

THIS IS ABOUT MY CHILDREN'S CASE ONLY:
When people say that CPS has stolen their children, it implies that I've been a party to stealing my children from their first family and that is not the case. No one was skulking in the bushes waiting for their birth mom to make a mistake. No one broke into the house they were staying in and stole the children away. The children were removed because their safety was at stake. The mom was given a case plan to work to get her children back. If she had worked her plan, the consequence would have been to get her children back. Because she made a choice to not work her plan, did not get them back, but she made a choice. The children weren't stolen from her and given to me. She made a choice to not do what was required of her. She chose not to get a job. She chose not to get a safe home for the children. She chose not to stay away from drugs. These were choices she made, not CPS. She came very close several times to reunification, but just as we were starting to reunify, she'd make yet another choice that would keep her away from her kids. Eventually, CPS decided that enough was enough and the children should be legally freed so they weren't waiting forever for a mom to step up who refused to.

[vegaschristina]

Oh, and in Nevada, even now, TPR is determined by a judge not a jury.

[paigeturner]

Originally Posted by vegaschristina

I am not in any way saying that I'm a perfect parent. I'm not. I make mistakes. However, I've never put my children in danger by my mistakes.

I have two "raised" daughters 23 and 20 and I have put my children in danger a time or two by my mistakes. Scares the hell out of me looking back.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to continue to beat up on someone who is obviously in pain, but we get it Vegas...Believe me, we get it. Some of us have paid the ultimate price for our mistakes, the loss of our children.

I hope you continue to have wonderful success in your parenting...but it only takes a second, a heartbeat, a moment of not being diligent, of being distracted, of making an error in judgement...

[Jackiejdajda]

paigeturner

...but it only takes a second, a heartbeat, a moment of not being diligent, of being distracted, of making an error in judgement...

Once my daughter got her hand caught in a window and we had to go the the emergency.. it was totally an accident.. the window was old and we were visiting my sister in law..
We had to go to an emergency that was not in our city.. and I worried that someone would think child abuse..
I do not know why I thought that..
Well I did appear a hippie and the town was very straight..

I can remember speaking with my sister about this incident and how frightened I was of this child abuse accusation....
She said to me.. that now that she has raised two little ones she would never call child abuse on anyone unless it was really apparent..
She knows how hard it is..

I felt better after she said that..

Jackie..

[crick]

Veggie....I get it, I do. My kids were adopted from foster care so I do agree with you on responsibility and chances etc.

However, I just feel on this thread of support for someone to share their feelings, it's not likely anything we say about her case is going to be news to her. The OP did say in her post that she knows she did wrong, she knows her children suffered due to her actions. Guess I just feel that no matter what happens for a lot of parents that lose their legal right to raise their children, their pain is no less than those who voluntarily relinquished. I have my personal feelings about my children's firstparents but I feel I can still have empathy for this woman who is clearly in pain. Doesn't mean by having empathy that I'm agreeing with the claim of CPS "steals" children, but then again, let's face it...there have been cases where procedures were not properly followed etc. Nothing is perfect as we all know and mistakes are made.

Sometimes people just need to know their pain is okay to feel, kwim?

[JustPeachy]

I think, too, when dealing with addiction, it is rather inaccurate to think about it simply in terms of "choice." The nature of addiction is such that there is a powerful biological/physical need to use. I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone, but the fact remains, it's not so easy to come clean and stay clean. For those who never dealt with addiction, it is easy to come to the conclusion that the addicted person had a simple choice and if she worked her program, she'd have been able to get her kids back. It is obviously not that simple or cut and dried, and it just seems insensitive to think those struggling with the disease of addiction, and on top of that, having the loss of children to cope with, deserves it or brought it on themselves because they "chose" to use.

[finallyamom0310]

AMom here and I just felt the need to post. I am so sorry for your pain. Having waited so long for my DD to arrive I can't imagine having to give her up. I thank her BMom each and every day that she was able to make a decision I would never have been able to make.

Anyway, back to the subject, I was really bothered by the fact that your childrens Amother is not wanting contact with you. Does she know that you are clean? Maybe you can find a way to let her know that you would like to talk to her and see if maybe establishing a relationship with her will make it easier for her to relax and not feel threatened by your being in your children's lives. JMO.

Regardless of the answer, please know that this site is a great place for support and I hope you find the support you need.

[Eric_N_Hopes_Mom]

You're so right Quantum...& Thank You.

I am trying hard to let the negatives slide. They don't know ME that's sure. I will continue to seek the support here, but I am also here to give support when I can. I am a very compassionate lady...I have much understanding, my desire is to try to support other women/men as well.

God bless all of you who have reached out in efforts to support me

[Janeytwo]

Hey JustPeachy,

Thanks for posting about non-choice in addiction. You're so right. It's a disease not a social defect.

Re. what Paigeturner said - Last week I was in the restroom. It got real quiet in my house and I thought "where's my grandson??". I couldn't find him though I looked high and low. It was terrifying!!! I immediately called the police and told them that he hadn't been out of my sight for more than a minute but that I was afraid he'd somehow gotten the screendoor open and left the house. I was beside myself with fear!!

The police came and it turned out the little bugger was playing hide and seek with me!! His parents had taught him to play that game the night before and he thought he'd have fun with grandma!

My God! That child took 10 years off my life!!!

All it took was one moment of turning my head........

Janey

[Eric_N_Hopes_Mom]

AMom, I am so happy for you that received your daughter. I wouldn't ask a-parents to return me my children, I wouldn't try to take them away from the a-parents...I know that my children are being given a God blessed life in a family who can give them the things I never had. I also know the a-parents have a lot of love for my children, & know they have done something quite outstanding taking in 2 small children to raise when they already have 2 of their own. It wasn't like they didn't already have children of their own, so I just know in my heart that they truly love my children. I would not attempt to break their bond...I know my children & I know they most likely love their a-parents by now. All I want is to be a part of my childrens lives...I want them to know that I still love them, always have, always will & I miss them terribly. There is no way that I can find to contact the a-parents because the adoption is closed & the worker that was there who knows my children doesn't work there anymore. So I just have to wait. I wish there were a way that I could contact the a-parents because they initally told the adoption worker they were considering opening a post office box so that we could communicate (the a-parents & I) but they never did it. I do not know any way to contact them..

I wish you peace, love & joy for you & your family.

Originally Posted by finallyamom0310

AMom here and I just felt the need to post. I am so sorry for your pain. Having waited so long for my DD to arrive I can't imagine having to give her up. I thank her BMom each and every day that she was able to make a decision I would never have been able to make.

Anyway, back to the subject, I was really bothered by the fact that your childrens Amother is not wanting contact with you. Does she know that you are clean? Maybe you can find a way to let her know that you would like to talk to her and see if maybe establishing a relationship with her will make it easier for her to relax and not feel threatened by your being in your children's lives. JMO.

Regardless of the answer, please know that this site is a great place for support and I hope you find the support you need.

[Eric_N_Hopes_Mom]

I've read a few posts where parents are so afraid of making a mistake & the possibility of being accused of child abuse or worse... It is true. Your children can be taken from you at any moment for any mistake you make regarding them...it is a reality. It's sad but its true. I worked my case plan to the very end & as I said I passed everything with flying colors, I was due to get my children back in 3 weeks...this is the nightmare of my life. It shouldn't be so. It shouldn't be this scary for parents...but it is.

God bless & I pray that all of you who have relinquished & miss your children as I do, be comforted in knowing you're not alone & God is with us.

[RavenSong]

Dear Eric_N_Hopes_Mom,

I am so glad that you have joined us here on the forums. You have some very important things to say, and I applaud you for having the courage to talk to us. As Crick said in her post on this thread, the pain that moms feel who lose their children thru CPS is no less than the pain moms feel who voluntarily relinquish at birth.

It is easy to judge a woman who loses her child to the system. What some people fail to realize is that the system sometimes fails at what it does. I've read more threads than I care to count about "lousy" social workers and "stupid" caseworkers. If people would stop and think for a moment, if these social workers are failing foster parents, is it not possible that some of them are also failing biological parents? There is a lot of money involved in CPS, federal funding that is based on numbers of children placed. It is not always a "cut and dried" situation.

I was a CASA volunteer for over 10 years, and I did see my share of cases that should never have been placed in the system to begin with. That's one of the reasons I no longer work with the court system. I have seen a few cases of mothers losing their children solely due to financial reasons ~ no substance abuse, mental illness, or criminal activity involved...these women were just plain poor, had no education and no family support. It does happen. I have seen CPS policy and procedure not followed and totally ignored. I have seen one family torn apart because their 10-year-old son "played doctor" with his 6-year-old sister...the parents lost their rights to all three children.

While I believe the foster-care system is absolutely necessary and a god-send for many abused children, I have seen its powers abused. Believe it or not, it does happen, people. It's something we all wish wouldn't happen, just like we all wish that everybody who is on death row is actually guilty of their crimes. But many of us have read in recent years how DNA evidence is proving that there are a significant number of prisoners who have been falsely convicted. The system is not perfect and makes some major mistakes at times.

Eric_N_Hopes_Mom, the very best thing you can do right now for your kids is to stay clean and sober. I know that there must be days when you're tempted to say "what the heck" and light up that joint or snort that line. When those thoughts come into your head, think of your babies. You're right ~ they will most likely come looking for you in 10 years or so. And you're going to want to be healthy for them. In order to help them, you need to keep helping yourself. Go to your meetings, work your program, and keep coming back. Also, keep talking to us here on the forums. We care....

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by Eric_N_Hopes_Mom

You're so right Quantum...& Thank You.

I am trying hard to let the negatives slide. They don't know ME that's sure. I will continue to seek the support here, but I am also here to give support when I can. I am a very compassionate lady...I have much understanding, my desire is to try to support other women/men as well.

God bless all of you who have reached out in efforts to support me

As a foster mom, your post made me cry. How I have wished that my foster son, R's, mom would have even been willing to admit she had a problem with addiction or been willing to go to rehab. And trust me, the fact that you did those things and can (hopefully) tell your children one day what you were willing to do for them will make a difference.

You love your children.....that I know just from reading your posts. You could easily be bitter and yet you seem so understanding, compassionate, and willing to accept your responsibility in your children's life events. And what bothers me most is that your honesty with your caseworker is what "broke the camel's back" with DCFS.
Hindsight is such a pain in the *** for any mother, not just those who have their children removed by the state. I am sure that if you could go back and not have contact with the drug-using male in your life at that time you would.

I am so sorry for your loss and for the unfortunate fate of having aparents who either don't want any contact with you or aren't ready for it. There are so many aparents on this board that would love some contact with their adoptive children's biological parents but can't because of the bioparents unavailability or unwillingness. It seems so unfair...... As is much of life.

So don't give up. What the adoptive parents have decided today could always change. That's what my prayer is for you.

Have you considered writing a yearly letter to your children and asking that it be placed in their adoptive file so that IF they search or IF the adoptive parents change their mind they would know that you are still clean and still in hopes of contact? Even with their previous adoption worker gone, the file HAS to be somewhere. You may have to continue calling until you get someone willing to help you in finding a way to make it happen. But write them and save them even if there is no file right now. My prayer will be that this option becomes available for you.

There are some wonderful bmoms on this forum that will give you great advice. Some have written that writing in journals or having an online blog has been therapeutic. It is something that allows you that connection on a daily basis so you never feel like you aren't doing something to reach out to your kids.

You will be judged....it is a sad fact of life. I will be the first to admit that at first glance, I have negative thoughts towards moms who have had to have their children removed. I am working on that. It is a little harder since I have seen mothers who won't work anything on a caseplan or come to a single visit in over 4 months. I have never struggled with addiction and will probably never understand it, but will remember your story and try to be more open to compassion and understanding the next time.

So see......you have not only received by telling your story....you have given. All you can really do now is stay the kind of person you know your children will be proud of when they find you. It is all any mother can do.

Kim