[Singlemom619]

I adopted my son from foster care and after the first year that he was in my home as a foster child his mom and I began talking very openly. For awhile I did not allow contact with my son because he didn't want it and his therapist said it would be harmful. Bmom understood this and so she'd call me or email me to check up on him.

There was never an agreement for an open adoption, it was just something that I thought was best. I even told her when TPR was done that I would not allow him to talk to her until his therapist said it was okay.

After about a year my son said he wanted to talk to her so he called her. They would talk about once a month. Suddenly (maybe a year later) she began calling VERY frequently - as in every day or every other day. The week before his birthday she called every day AND on two of the days she called THREE times each day (and spoke to him each time.)

With school, activities, homework, bedtimes, dinner, etc it's just way too much.

I told her that I spoke to his counselor and we thought maybe one reason he was acting up lately was because of the stress of the phone calls and trying to get everything done (I had talked to counselor and he did say this.) I asked her to only call on weekends.

She did (Friday - Sunday) and normally only called once, sometimes two of the days.

After talking to my son (and his counselor) I think it's still too much. Even my son says it's too much but he won't tell her. He also seems to really struggle with who he is when he's talking to her - he says "mom" when referring to me and then quickly says something like "I mean XXX (my first name". He has NEVER called me by my first name. Other things like this happen where I think he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by calling me mom.

Bmom still struggles with holding down a job, money (sends Bday gifts and cards weeks late because she can't afford it even though she tells him all the time how she's sending them early), and drugs and when she checked back into rehab a year ago she told him because she wasn't going to be able to call for awhile. While I completely respect her honesty I think it's hard for him to know that she's still using etc. I just think it's taking a toll on him.

He's been with me since he was 5 (he's 10 now), and was with her on and off from 0-3. He many times over the years has made comments or asked questions in reference to how long he's been with me compared to with her so I do think it's an issue for him.

I do NOT want to cut off all contact - really why I came in here was I was hoping all of you might know of something like a book or something that I could give to her that would help HER to understand that contact is important but right now it's just too much. Letters would be better, once a month or every other month phone calls would be better... I don't want her just thinking it's me saying these things (Even though we still have a very good relationship.)

If you can offer any advice or insight I'd appreciate it...