[Janeytwo]

Hi everyone,

Today after much vacillating, I am finally putting the stamp on the envelope containing my registry form with the State of Michigan, sealing the envelope and putting it in my mailbox.

Such a simple thing....such a simple form. Names, DOB's, address. That's it.

My husband who could write a book on how to deal with women, has stood silently by these past few days while my form sat on the desk, completely filled out, just waiting for me to stroll into the office and get up the courage to mail it. He's come into the office and put a hand on my shoulder. He's told me how proud he is of me. I hope he knows what a gift such friendship is.

And as someone else said in here, I am thinking back on all the times I've signed on the bottom line.

Tax forms, driver's license, even my original signature on the adoption form.....all just the business of business in the eyes of the State.

Back then I don't think I understood the ramifications of my signature; the power of it. That day I only remember searching the faces of attorney's and court officers looking for compassion. I only remember that clock, it's hands moving closer and closer to my despair.

As it sit here now, licking this envelope, my current name at the bottom of the form; I feel a strange mixture of emotions. Hope, fear, exposure. I ask myself, "When the mailman sees who this is addressed to - what branch of government, what will he think of me? Will he say too himself, 'Oh. One of those women lives here?"

The old shame, the old silence.

In truth, I doubt he'll notice. It's just another piece of mail to him; part of his job. The stuff by which he keeps food on his table.

But for this 48 year old woman I am today that envelope holds a story of my life within it's manilla-hued paper.

The story of a 16 year old girl who once signed a piece of paper that would forever change who she was.

.....Going to the mailbox now and wondering how many women and men in this forum have gone to their mailboxes too with the same sense of sorrow, hope and trepidation.

The mailbox. Huh. Who would've thought a little metal container attached to the front porch of a house could come to symbolize so much?

Just thinking out loud. Thanks for listening.



Regards and respect to all within these e-walls. And a soft prayer for myself today.

Dear God - wherever the mail goes today, please go with it. Send it with your blessing. I need you now.

Janey

[sstuart]

YAY!! Did it actually make it to the mailbox??? You have come so far. Stacy

[thanksgivingmom]

Stacy, I thought of you when I read this! (Without seeing that you had responded already!)

Sometimes, you just need to "sneeze" and drop it in the box, right?

Best of luck to you Janey!!!!!

[sstuart]

Yeah that usually works better with email--not snail mail--but enough people sneezed that I have a F2F on Saturday!!! Have you sent that email yet?

[Janeytwo]

Hey guys!

Thanks for the support. Much needed! :-)

Janey

[keds]

Janey - Yahoo! Congrats and good luck.

[Janeytwo]

Thanks Keds!

Don't let the smiley's fool you. Even though I'm happy, I am depressed and scared doo-doo-less too.

Glad you guys are all here. Don't know what I'd do without you!

Janey

[kdecrow]

I sent a certified letter to my deceased son's widow. She received it today @ 3:32 p.m.

I know she must be in shock right now. Janey, I'll be thinking of you and hoping we both get a positive result for our efforts.

Wow. Wouldn't it be amazing if one day I am allowed the privilege of knowing my granddaughter????

Here's hoping.

Kim

[keds]

Janey - sorry, been there! Actually, spend most of my time shaking in my boots. I'm glad you're all here as well.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Kim,

I don't even know what to say to you about your granddaughter.

But I pray with everything I have in me, that you will get a chance to know her and in that to know some part of your son.

Truly, you are an incredible woman.

With great respect,

Janey

[kakuehl]

Hi Janey,
That's done. Now try to take some deep breathes and relax. (And now we wait... and wait.. and wait.) I'm wondering if I could have searched in the way you are. I have no clue what my next step would have been if D hadnt registered here... would I have let it go for more years without searching further? I think I had the courage to seek his location and make contact because I knew he had looked...

Stacy- keep breathing!!! You are in my prayers.

TGM - did you email? Funny how insecure we can be even when we are repeatedly told by the other person "contact anytime."

[thanksgivingmom]

Nope Kathy - I clearly have until Saturday to send the much welcomed email.

I mean seriously - she's said, "Write anytime!" and will email ME out of the blue - but I get my knickers all in a twist at the very thought of sending one to her!

Although that probably has a great deal to do with the fact that I'll be introducing the "next visit" discussion which always get's me all squirrely inside

For now I'll let the good luck train hit the rest of the ladies

[kakuehl]

TGM - shock yourself, beat your deadline! LOL (I do understand, you know!)

I got another congregational profile in the mail today...

[thanksgivingmom]

I'll probably sent it by Friday cause I'm not sure why my computer access will be Saturday, but other than that I'm not pushing it haha

[Janeytwo]

Hey Kathy,

I'm wondering if I could have searched in the way you are. I have no clue what my next step would have been

Don't really know what mine is either except research and hiring people who know what they're doing. I guess I just keep looking. Every night I search through the various registries. I am going down to the courthouse next week to get non-identifying info. I also have a court rep that I'm hiring to help me. I am saving $50.00 from bills & groceries each week to get the fee. Should have that in roughly 4 weeks.

But I pace myself. I can't see much else for it but to pace myself. I am also practicing the different scenarious in my head (if they want to meet/if they don't).

And also a list of questions they might have about me if they should be interested in contact.

I was sent an inventory that I am required to turn in regarding myself. I'm also working on that.

Then too I just learned that one of the avenues that "way around things" I told you us Ganders do...one of those avenues has just been closed by the State of Michigan. It's a shame because I could've used it legitimately. That's all right. There will be answer.

I think I had the courage to seek his location and make contact because I knew he had looked...

Yeah I can understand that. I had convinced myself they weren't at all interested in me. And it could be that they're not. I just want to know that they were not abused Kathy. I just want to know that more than anything. There may be some who see that as a prejudicial fear but then, they haven't lived what I've lived. So I will forgive myself for this....phobia perhaps.

I don't really know what spurs me on. I mean of course knowing my children are okay and accepting that they are adults now; that they've lived their lives without me. ANd perhaps...small glimmer that they will like me if they meet me.

But I have been frozen in time and hen I am old (at least I hope I'll live to be old) I don't want to go out of this world wondering. No. Not that.

Have a wonderful day!

Janey