[carolynppk]

I want to be mindful and considerate of my bmom's feelings, and while I know what you all may feel, she may not, I always find it helpful to hear from others that have walked a similar path, especially since I have not been down that road.

I have been in reunion for a little over three years now with my bmom. She has meet my mom and they have shared a relationship with occasion cards, letters and small gifts at Christmas and birthdays.

My mother got sick in January and I noticed (at least in my perception) my birth mother pulled back. Things were starting to get a little better when my mother suddenly died in May. My bmom said we needed to talk about boundries (which we have not yet-she said when things settled down). I don't know if she felt like I was going to expect her to fill in my mom's shoes, or I had just spent about $50 on her for her birthday which she felt very uncomfortable about.

Things are okay, in that we are writing to one another about once a week. Things are very surface, nothing deep. I wear my emotions on my sleave, she holds things in (which after all she went through with me-she was 15 when she got pregnant, 16 when she had me back in 1965, I fully understand!!) I don't ask her about how it seems as if she has pulled away because I don't want to come across as "needy". I am afraid if I say, "You seem to have pulled back, is everything okay?" It will be a strain on her, with her feeling, "I am doing everything I can right now and you want more than I can give you", thus pushing her further away. Does that make sense?

I guess what I am rambling on about is trying to understand what she may be feeling or going through with the death of my mother. She never met my father, as he had passed away before I contacted her, so she knows both my parents are gone. She calls my children her grandchildren, but is very adimant (sp?) that my mother is my mom, she is who raised me,not her. Which I understand what she is saying. I, however, feel that I have two mom's each special in their own right. I want to be respectful of her and give her any space or support that she may be feeling in all of this. So I would love to hear if any of you have experienced this or how you may feel so I can be mindful of her feelings in all of this. I am sure that time and space are the answer, let her know I am not going anywhere and let her take this at her own pace, but it sure would help to have an understanding of what she may be feeling in all of this.

Thank you for sharing.

Carolyn

__________________

[Janeytwo]

Dear Carolyn,

Hi.

Things were starting to get a little better when my mother suddenly died in May. My bmom said we needed to talk about boundries (which we have not yet-she said when things settled down). I don't know if she felt like I was going to expect her to fill in my mom's shoes, or I had just spent about $50 on her for her birthday which she felt very uncomfortable about.

Do you think it might be possible that she's reacting out of fear? Perhaps she is afraid of your grief; that in grieving your mom - your bmom might think you're going to take that grief out on her. Not that you would but this may be her perception of what could happen. When we are frightened our mind takes us to all kinds of place. Trust me, I've been there a lot lately.

Also, it could be that as she witnesses you grieving your mom, it may bring up her issues of grief over you; issues that have been long buried. It may be that she's hiding that pain from herself even though she may have told you (and herself) that she's dealt with it.

I have found that I am guilty of this very much lately, since coming to terms with the surrender of my two children. I have been "all over the place" emotionally and it has caused me to overreact to innocent things.

If you bmom is a private person then the thought of losing control of her emotions may be driving her to distance herself. Also, there may be the underlying fear of making any mistakes with you at this difficult time that she feels may ruin what the two of you have.

I want to be respectful of her and give her any space or support that she may be feeling in all of this. So I would love to hear if any of you have experienced this or how you may feel so I can be mindful of her feelings in all of this.
[/quote]

How about perhaps writing her a letter and enclosing it in a nice card? Tell her how you feel and reassure her that you still want to pursue a relationship with her. Oftentimes, sending someone a letter through the mail gives them the safety of distance and they can read and reread the letter and get a chance to think on it a while.

That may be one thing you can do so that you get your message to her across without feeling like you're intruding.

I hope this helps in some small way.

Wishing you a wonderful day,

Janey

[carolynppk]

Thank you so much Janey! I appreciate your insight and words. You have given me much to think on and I can see a lot of what you say, and even if she isn't feeling those feelings, it has made me realize that there are many possibilities I never thought of. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Sincerely,

Carolyn

[Janeytwo]

Dear Carolyn,

Hi (again). :-)

You're very welcome.

This is so hard isn't it? This trying to sort out where we fit in someone else's life. Even in family and friendship situations, things ebb and flow.

I understand what you mean about "wearing your heart on your sleeve". It can be difficult being a person who generally lives by the principal of being who you are. Many people hide out of fear of rejection; sometimes fear of themselves.

You are doing the right thing just keeping the lines open.

Sincerely,

Janey

[sstuart]

I am a bmom and I think that that would be a difficult time for someone when a parent dies. I may pull back because I would not want my bdaughter thinking I was trying to take over the place of her mom. I would want to give her space and not hover. Maybe this is what your bmom is feeling. It would be a tough time not to overstep any boundaries.

I hope the two of you can work it out. Be honest with her. Trying to guess what someone else is feeling only makes for mistakes to be made.

[carolynppk]

Thank you both so much. It is such a fine line, where in a regular relationship I would have no problem asking, "Is everything okay?" I think it is hard to get to the place where you are not fearful of losing the other person. Afraid you may do or say the wrong thing. Because even though you are blood related, you haven't had that bond of the family you live with. The one of-so what, you are STUCK with me!!! LOL!! I appreciate you insight and I know this must be hard for her, as it is for me, just from a different perspective. I really appreciate you both writing me. Thank you!

Carolyn

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

Also, it could be that as she witnesses you grieving your mom, it may bring up her issues of grief over you; issues that have been long buried. It may be that she's hiding that pain from herself even though she may have told you (and herself) that she's dealt with it.

And she may not be able to ever sort this stuff.. 1965 and sixteen.. whew..
A time for shutting down.. all of it..

If you bmom is a private person then the thought of losing control of her emotions may be driving her to distance herself. Also, there may be the underlying fear of making any mistakes with you at this difficult time that she feels may ruin what the two of you have.

The last time I spoke on the phone with my bson was when I asked him about his parents and how they were..
We have never really discussed them.. I know I have tried but I wonder if he has tried and I have blocked it.. I do not actually know..

But ohhh but.. There is a cliff here for me.. an intimacy with my bson I can not bridge.. deal with..


Carolyn

I say give her time.. Its trauma coming up and she is shutting it down to me..
I am soooo good at shutting it down on terms of my bson.. Its automatic.. its places I do not want to go emotionally..
Janey is just heading into reunion and is all over the place and IMO needs to do reunion.. I did it.. I sought and found and dealt with it..
But now.. I need to be helped.. helped by letting me be on terms of him..

I do not know if this makes sense.. and I am not your birthmom.. and if my bson was making the effort I would work on my emotions towards him.. but he is not.. so that’s okay..
Let her pretend it all away but stay in contact keep doing surface.. (<my suggestion)

Jackie

[carolynppk]

Thank you, Jackie. I try really hard to take myself out of this and put what she may be experiencing first. In my opinion, she has much more to deal with. I had a wonderful home, was adopted as an infant, wonderful parents. My adoption was a positive experience for me. I do not see anything positive, even if it is the right thing to do for that situation, for the birthmother in placing a child. So I will be here. I will keep writing. I got a really nice note from her today. I get one about every week. I love and adore her, I don't want to overwhlem her though. (Although I am sure I probably do!! LOL!!! ) This has been hard, I lost my mother and I feel like I am losing my other mother who just came into my life. But all of you here have given me much to think about and look at, and I feel much better,it will all just take time. I can't expect a relationship in three years that normally comes over a lifetime. Thank you one and all.

Carolyn

[Jackiejdajda]

It’s a womans rights issue to me.. Rickie Solinger really showed me this in her book Beggars and Choosers.. and Wake Up Little Susie..
She is a history writer and when she wrote Wake Up Little Susie.. she was comparing how African American women were treated in comparison to anglo women.. in the sixties..
When I read that book everything clicked home.. I remembered a lot of what really went down..

I went to see her speak and asked from the audience about birth control pills.. I knew from research that they were available in the year I was pregnant.. I could not remember or understand why I did not take them..
I do know I was in fear of going to the doctor..

She told me that women that were not married were not allowed birth control pills..

Women that were pregnant out of wedlock or were in a difficult marriage (in need of financial help etc) were not treated well in those years and Solinger documents it in her books..

The secret keeping is so hard on a person.. And we were (some of us as always) forced to do it.. Shamed from the word go..
CUB.. the women of CUB in the mid seventies started to fight back started opening doors.. Worked towards helping women like your birthmother.. Made it their mandate to open things up and help the ones that were emotionally brutalized by being forced to relinquish and then forced to keep it a secret..
It will not happen again.. thanks to the internet and groups such as CUB.. and the opening up of records..

Jackie

[Janeytwo]

Hey! Thanks for this post.

It’s a womans rights issue to me.. women were in a difficult marriage (in need of financial help etc) were not treated well in those years

I agree. You know I am looking back and it is difficult to believe those times. My mother had an allowance. My father would line us all up (including my mother) and tell us that this was our allowance for the week. She'd have to stand there with the rest of us and wait for her $5.00 dole out! Dad would look down at her and say, "Don't spend it all in one place!" pat her on the head with spite...that kind of thing. That must have been so humiliating!

When she finally divorced him, the one credit card she had in her own name cancelled her. She was now after all a single woman and incapable of making financial decisions on her own behalf.

That kind of thing was the norm back then. A friend of mine...her dad had his designated chair...no one was allowed to sit in it but him. When his car would pull into the driveway their mom would shoo them from the chair saying, "Get out of the chair quick before your father sees you!! You know no one but him is allowed in that chair!" He'd come sit in the chair and be waited on hand and foot. Good grief!

Those things were circa 60's but in 75, a girl I knew was murdered by her husband. She'd tried everything to get away from him but there was no Rainbow House back then, no haven. The police would come to the door and tell her to get her marraige together. She'd be beat hafl to s**t. Now she's in the ground and he's doing life without parole at Marquette. Two lives gone. Shaking my head....

With all of that, it's no wonder things were as they were with sex and adoption and back alley abortions.

What a mess it was huh?

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

This from Beggars and Choosers.. Rickie Solinger.

Page 113

Feminist Relations

When early CUB members joined the organization, they identified with the women’s liberation movement to varying degrees. For many, becoming affiliated with a women’s group concerned with rights and justice quickly convinced them that their issues were, as Pat Taylor put it, ‘yet another woman’s issue.” In the late 1970’s, Pat and others came to frame their experience in terms of gender discrimination: “we, as females, were told that we did not have the resources, ingenuity, creativity or strength to be parents to our children.” In general, the members who took on the responsibility for writing CUB documents for internal and external consumption, such as Carole Anderson, were already ardent feminists when they joined CUB, so the infused the organizations publications with a strong feminist perspective.

Carole Anderson wrote emphatically for the group in 1981 when she claimed. “Our pain is a feminist issue.” In the late 1970’s and early 1980s, when Anderson, Lee Campbell, Mary Ann Cohen, and Sandy Musser defined the birthmother’s experience, they connect it to all the major claims of the contemporary women’s movement. From their point of view, the coerced adoptions they’d experiences were meted out as “punishments of inappropriately sexually active women.” As girls rendered defenseless by society’s gender imperatives, they felt strongly that they had been manipulated and lied to.

Solinger goes on to write about abortion and the issues around it in those years before Roe vs Wade..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Why Won't My Natural Mother Meet Me?

This is Carole Anderson.. writing what is sooo important to all of us..

Jackie

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by carolynppk

I want to be mindful and considerate of my bmom's feelings, and while I know what you all may feel, she may not, I always find it helpful to hear from others that have walked a similar path, especially since I have not been down that road.

I have been in reunion for a little over three years now with my bmom. She has meet my mom and they have shared a relationship with occasion cards, letters and small gifts at Christmas and birthdays.

My mother got sick in January and I noticed (at least in my perception) my birth mother pulled back. Things were starting to get a little better when my mother suddenly died in May. My bmom said we needed to talk about boundries (which we have not yet-she said when things settled down). I don't know if she felt like I was going to expect her to fill in my mom's shoes, or I had just spent about $50 on her for her birthday which she felt very uncomfortable about.

Things are okay, in that we are writing to one another about once a week. Things are very surface, nothing deep. I wear my emotions on my sleave, she holds things in (which after all she went through with me-she was 15 when she got pregnant, 16 when she had me back in 1965, I fully understand!!) I don't ask her about how it seems as if she has pulled away because I don't want to come across as "needy". I am afraid if I say, "You seem to have pulled back, is everything okay?" It will be a strain on her, with her feeling, "I am doing everything I can right now and you want more than I can give you", thus pushing her further away. Does that make sense?

I guess what I am rambling on about is trying to understand what she may be feeling or going through with the death of my mother. She never met my father, as he had passed away before I contacted her, so she knows both my parents are gone. She calls my children her grandchildren, but is very adimant (sp?) that my mother is my mom, she is who raised me,not her. Which I understand what she is saying. I, however, feel that I have two mom's each special in their own right. I want to be respectful of her and give her any space or support that she may be feeling in all of this. So I would love to hear if any of you have experienced this or how you may feel so I can be mindful of her feelings in all of this. I am sure that time and space are the answer, let her know I am not going anywhere and let her take this at her own pace, but it sure would help to have an understanding of what she may be feeling in all of this.

Thank you for sharing.

Carolyn

__________________

Sounds like she is pulling herself, a part of her may always wish to be your mom. A part of her is afraid that she may feel that now she is the only mom. That bothers her. She doesn't want you to think she is taking your mom's place even by accident.

You had a mom who loved you, you have a birth mom who loves you.

I know a bmom who came to the reunion about a year before the amom died of cancer. The amom told her, in front of the daughter that she was so happy the bmom had found them. That now she knew their daughter would be okay, she still would have a mom around.

The daughter did pull back for a while to grieve even though she had the blessing of her amom. Even the adad was happy that his daughter had her bmom in her life.

not sure any of this makes sense. Was it okay with your mom? Did she tell the bmom? Have you told the bmom it is okay and you are happy to still have one of your mom's ?

I am off to bed I am too tired to think this out any more tonight.

Hugs