[carolynppk]

Don't get me wrong. I am just trying to figure out where her emotions are since my mom has died and why she may feel the way she does. She has seemed to really back away. And me not asking her about has nothing to do with her, that's me. In all honesty, I should say, "Are things okay?" but for me, that is too scary. It would be like that with anyone. I do not do confrontation well (Unless it is a stranger or some sort of customer service type of thing). So I don't feel her feelings are coming before mine. I don't feel that I have to be the "good adoptee". And honestly, I do feel that if anyone in my triad needs more consideration to their feelings, it is her. I cannot possibly begin to understand what she went through. I had a wonderful life. And even though the adoption worked for her and she would do the same thing again, that doesn't mean it was easy.

I think the reason most of us walk on eggshells in because this is not your normal relationship. The actual bond is so deep and yet the time that goes with that normal relationship is not there. Trying to put all that time into something in a matter of a few months or even a couple of years is impossible. All of this while in the same time trying to, for the bmoms, (especially those of the closed era) deal with all the emotions that came with placing us. I know for back then they were told we were not theirs, they were told to never think of us again, back in that era, you did not talk about things, even divorce, especially adoption, so think of keeping that bottled up, supressed, thinking you would never have to look at it again and then suddenly, unexpectedly having it throw in your lap. A lot to process. (I was who looked for her.) So, no, I don't fit into what many adoptees feel. And not that someone feelings come before another, but on this subject, I do believe for myself and my situation, hers do.

Carolyn

[kakuehl]

Bumblebeeskies,
I wish it were that simple! While that may the case in your situation, it's not in mine. I bend over backward to make sure it's what D wants. (Of course if he doesn't tell me, I can't do anything right.) As a birthmother, I was told I have no place in D's life. So there are times when I "walk on eggshells" for fear of saying the wrong thing. There are times when "D" walks on eggshells because he's not quite sure how to deal with a particular situation. (And I think I'm relatively self-aware and functioning pretty well!)

Many birth/first moms just socked the grief and pain away and tried hard not to deal with it.. to "get on with their lives" as they were told. When reunion happens they now have to deal with all the emotions they havedn't dealt with. Some of them haven't developed emotionally beyond the 15,16, 17 yr.old they were when they gave birth. That makes for a pretty explosive reunion.

I personally don't want D to be the "good adoptee". I need to know where I fit into his life, recognising that that changes as time goes on. If he decides he doesn't want me in his life, I will back away. That doesn't mean I won't continue to love him and his family.. (I hope I'm making sense -- I have a cold and I'm on drugs!)

[Janeytwo]

From Janey,

Hey Carolyn! :-)

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this since yesterday and I wanted to share something with you which I hope you will not take the wrong way. It is a strange thing because we come from two different ends of this "triad" as everyone calls it (I just prefer to call it people trying to make peace with themselves). Anyway....


Your bmom sounds a good deal like my mother; guarded and closed (not judging your bmom - just throwing out how it's looking from my end.) My mom survived the Nazis, she also survived a ruthless and completely dominant 1st husband, an child-abusing 2nd husband and extreme poverty. She witnessed war in all its horror and I know that all of this has shaped who she is today.

The thing is some people, because of the past or their emotional make-up or what-have-you; well....they simply cannot change. In some deep part of their hearts they may want to; may want to with everything they have. But they must keep the world at arms length because they've seen too many bad things and now safety is all that matters.

Sigh....I feel that you, like me, are walking a difficult road here and I appreciate how shaky the ground is. I guess I'm saying all of this because it's not just adoptees who live a sort of half-life with a-parents or firstparents. (And BTW I'm glad your amom was so wonderful to you!! Clearly you are a reflection of the kindness and wisdom you credit her with.)

Blathering on here.....With my mother I have learned that I can discuss cakes, decorating, the latest movie, how wonderful my Sister Susie is and how my sister-in-laws are doing at work. That's it.

I used to try to get her to talk about the big issues but I think she lives in fear of it taking us down the dark road to the past; a frightening place for her. So I have learned to talk light and take what I can get. Once in a great great while, I see her for an hour or so and we have tea and about once a month she spends a few minutes on the phone with me to talk about what dessert I'm bringing to the next family shindig.

It's not much. In truth, it's an eggshell existence but still there are things I have learned from her. I truly believe that my survival has been directly due to her toughness.

Thanks for listening.

Janey

[carolynppk]

Dear Janey,

I am so sure of that. She told me when we first "met" that she is not one to show emotions, she is a great friend and will keep your biggest secrets, but she does not talk about her feelings. I am sure that all she went through with being pregnant with me, greatly shaped why she holds emotions inside. I understand that. That is why I think I come here and ask other bmoms, because I don't want to pry, so to speak. I don't want to force something she isn't ready to share or look at yet. I know this has been hard for her. I appreciate how much of herself she has shared. I think maybe she shared glimpses of herself when we first got together because we were in that honeymoon phase. My mom once told me that she thought my bmom was doing reunion for me. It really hurt deeply, making me feel like she wanted nothing to do with me, she just pitied me, but I think in looking back, I took it wrong and was wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I think what my mom was trying to say is this was very hard for my bmom, revisiting all of the pain in the past, she had to love me very much because she wouldn't do that for herself. Looking back I think that it is more of the first. This is hard for the first mom, a lot of baggage and things here in the present also. If she did not care, she would never subject herself to all of this. See, talking all of this through, the last few weeks, I am beginning to see this in a different light, without going to her seeming needy. You gals are the best!! Isn't it amazing when you start talking things though. I feel like I just had a "moment" of clarity there. Like I said, trying to get a realtionship that normally progresses over a lifetime to suddenly fit into a couple of years does not come easy. That is why the eggshells, the misunderstandings. Again, that is why I think we need to be as understanding as possible to the person on the other end. This is hard work. They say growing old is not for sissies. Boy, they haven't done adoption reunion yet! Now THAT is not for sissies!!!

Love you guys!!

Carolyn

[carolynppk]

I wanted to thank all the kind and wonderful birthmothers here that have shared their perspective and stories with me. You are all such big hearted women. I know that looking back and sharing is at times painful and I appreciate you going outside of yourself to help me put things in perspective.

And while my bmom may feel the same or very different from anyone here, what this has done is openned my eyes and heart to see a side that I might not have thought of before. The last thing on earth I would ever want to do is cause my bmom more pain and hurt than she has already endured. I am not sure where my reunion journey will go, but you have all given me deep insight to the emotions that come with placing a child.

So thank you one and all. I think I am going to take a break from the boards here for a little while. I appreciate all you kindness, openness and support. You truly are a wonderful bunch of women.

With greatest respect and gratitude,
Carolyn

[Janeytwo]

Dear Carolyn,

Take care of yourself out there okay?

May the road always rise to meet you dear friend.

Janey

[kakuehl]

Carolyn, just remember, we'll still be here when you're ready to come back.

[Jackiejdajda]

kakuehl

Carolyn, just remember, we'll still be here when you're ready to come back.

Yes..

And Kathy I am so glad you are here.. Thank you for being our moderator..


Jackie