[carolynppk]

Thank you, Jackie. I think all of us try so hard not to upset the other, that sometimes we don't come across the way we want to. I think Diane is/was scared of hurting my mom and her own children, I am/was scared of hurting both of my moms, my mom scared in wanting Diane to know and myself to know it is okay to have a relationship while I am sure it was very scary for her. I love Diane for the respect she showed my mother. I wonder if all the "complicated" eventually goes away? I am just glad to have her, in whatever form that may be.

Carolyn

[kathigary]

It's funny how we're all in a different place. I would love to have the relationship you are talking about. I have been in reunion w/my bd for four years. We have never met face to face. She's ready but doesn't want to hurt her mom. I don't want her to hurt her mother either.

I think the best thing you can do is to write a letter and let her know how you really feel. It's funny how we might think their felling one way and that is really not true. You say you wear your heart on your sleeve. I have a difficult time expressing myself because I'm afraid of being hurt. She may feel the same way as well. Please keep us updated and let us know how things are going.

Kathi

[carolynppk]

Well, our weekly e-mails have grown to 3 weeks almost, but in all fairness to her, I know she is extremely busy and her husband is out of town so she has work and horses and stuff to take care of. I don't want to say anything, I feel like if I do I come across as extremely needy and that is hard to deal with when you are on the other end of it. I am sure there is a lot to sort through on her part. I have to remember that adoption was not for her what it was for me. So I need to give her space and let her know though that I am here.

I do find it hard though, I want her approval so badly. I want her to think I am a good person and to be proud of me. I want her to know that I did well, I think that is one of the best compliments I can give her, letting her know I appreciate her sacrifice and that I did something with myself, something she can be proud of. I know, strange.

Everyone says that with reunion things wax and wane, you come together and pull apart, it is coming together on not the normal time line of things and while you have this biological connection, trying to fit together emotionally is not easy. People are not on the same page, we each come to it deaing with different issues. Since I was never spoken about once I was placed within her family, even though they have been open to reunion, the fact that she and her parents never discussed me again after I was born, I am sure there is a lot of emotions to process. So I am trying to not take this personally and give her time and let her know that I am here. I hope to go back to how our relationship was one day, where we could call, joke, I could vent, ask advice. She was more than a good friend, she was one of my moms, but on a different level than my mom, and different than what she has with her own daughters. I am sure this has been a double edged sword for her. You have the good and the bad.

Do any of you feel like your biological child is not yours, period? I understand that her feelings for the daughters she raised are different, she's had a lifetime with them and was mom to them. ANd while my mom was who was my mom, I feel a bond to her as my first mom, that I respect and love for all she did for me. Yes, my feelings are different for her than my mom that raised me, but I still have feelings for her as one of my mothers.

I am rambling now, but I just want to understand. Thanks all for your insight.

Carolyn

[kakuehl]

Carolyn, D is mine and he isn't mine, does that make sense? I feel an incredibly deep connection to him and I love him more than I can put into words. At the same time, I don't feel like his mother in the same way I feel like the mother of my other two. We've been in reunion about the same time as you and your mom. That's not very long together given the length of his life. (He's about 7 years younger than you are.) As time goes on, we build the common connections and memories. D and I do not contact each other that often. Sometimes that concerns me a little. But as you say, he's very busy (of course, I do nothing all day, lol.) He has 4 children, three of whom are toddlers! We do talk, mostly online. I stop in occasionally and get to spend some time with them. His mom is getting more comfortable with me, I think. (His dad has never felt threatened by me and both being pastors, we usually talk "shop.") The last time I spent time at D's his wife was away for a week and D's parents were there to help out. We had a nice afternoon.

I think what I'm trying to say is that families vary in closeness and as the reunion gets more comfortable its not unusual for the contact to become less frequent. I would still rather write than call too, by the way. I'm always afraid I'm interrupting. (Of course I feel that way when I call my other two, also.) Like you, it's hard to know what to say sometimes (also laughable considering my "gift of gab.")

My suggestion is to send her a note occasionally that says "thinking of you." I'm sure she treasures each contact!

[carolynppk]

Thanks Kathy, I do know what you mean. And that is why I don't expect her to feel like "Mom" to me the way she was with her kids. Those are her babies. I think a bond, a connection, though. Like you said, yours but not. That is how I feel with her. She is my mother in her own right. I love her to pieces. Even before I met her, I have always been filled with love for her because of my mom. But my mom is my "mom", who raised me, all the junk with it. I don't want to intrude, that is why I don't call her. I did call her today and left a voice message. Just saying "hey, I know you aren't home, but I am thinking of you." Ahhh, if only we had a magic wand and we all understood each other and didn't have fear. But I will just keep writing and letting her know I am here. Thanks for always sharing your perspective.

Carolyn

[Janeytwo]

Hey Carolyn,

First I wanted to say that from your postings you sound like a wonderful daughter; the kind a mom would be proud to "show off". :-)

I think Kathy has a good point; families ebb and flow. And she's right also; our children who've always been with us - as they grow and become parents themselves - they become less involved with us and more involved with their spouse and their children and their life in that regard. Wise words Kathy.

You asked if I think of my daughter and son as my own children. Yes. I do. I say that without any hesitation. They are my children. Not that I don't also understand that their parents are their parents and that they think of them as blood before me and surely always will. I know that too and respect it greatly.

But you see, I am a child of divorce. My parents have both been married 3 times each. I have many half-brothers/half-sisters/stepbrothers/stepsisters; some of whom did not come into my life until I was in my forties. I love them all though and make no distinctions.

I believe modern times has changed the perception and description of what a nuclear family is and for those of us who've experienced that first-hand there's an understanding that a person has to have a wide view of what "family" means.

Not saying anyone in here doesn't. I'm just speaking from my own experience.

I do know though that my children will probably be different than I am in their opinions; their likes and dislikes; their politics; religion; all the big stuff issues. I did joke to someone that I pray my kids weren't adopted by Pat Robertson! LOL! But if they were.....well....I shall just have to find some common ground there.

But even if they never want to see me; even if they hate me and turn their back; they will always be my children. If they needed me I woud go through hell and highwater to help them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is. I don't see them as being less than my daughters who are with me. But I also understand that I can't possibly have the same relationship with them because they will have their own history; their own family; their own understanding of who they are.

I hope I've made some sense.

Wishing you a great day!

Janey

[kakuehl]

Hmm... Janey brings up an interesting point... I do think of D as my child, just not myself as his "mom," does that make any sense? He'll always be my firstborn child. In some ways the relationship I have with him is similar to the relationship I have with my other two... without the baggage of being the one who changed his diapers, etc. (that doesn't mean there isn't baggage!) We are all adults and I (the wise elder, HA!) don't offer unsolicited advice to any of them. (Much as I'm tempted!) Although I must admit I do slip a bit with my raised kids!

[bmomto2_momto2]

I feel like society wants to me believe that my biological child is not mine. I do feel like he is mine though. I do feel that I share him though and that he is a true son to his adoptive parents also.

[carolynppk]

Thank you all. I am trying to figure out if she really feels like I am "hers" in any way. Maybe I feel more connected to her than she does to me. I wondered how others felt, even though I know she may feel differently.

When the adoption agency contacted her she kept telling them she was not my mother, that the mother who raised me was. And while I understand what she is saying, I do feel there is a connection. I don't think you can erase nine months of carrying and caring for someone.

Funny I had no desire to search for so many years, I never thought my adoption affected me. When I started this I just wanted to let her know I had no ill feelings, I had a wonderful life and that I loved her and thought she did the right thing. I thought it was important for her to know that, seeing as she was only 16 when she had me, I was sure she always wondered was I okay, did I understand, was I even told of her. It was a mission to let her know all was okay, with me, with us. I never imagined that I would have such an outpour of emotions towards her.

Again, thank you all for your words and support. You bunch of women are the greatest. I really appreciate your perspectives.

Carolyn

[rainmon]

Carol, you mentioned that your B-Mother had brought up boundries, she said we need to talk about boundries.....
so....it seems that it has not been addressed yet, at what she wants to say about that...and instead of guessing or speculating on what her thoughts about it are. why not just bring it up one day in an e-mail.
just say, that you remember she had said that she thought that you both should talk about boundries.
then let "her" say what it is that is on her mind about it. instead of trying to guess...where she is about it.
I mean is she concerned she may violate your boundries....or is she the one needing more space herself....where is her head at with it. the only way to know is ask. and she is the one who brought it up so.... I would find out. get it out in the open.
the wondering would drive me nuts....

[Janeytwo]

When the adoption agency contacted her she kept telling them she was not my mother, that the mother who raised me was.

I am learning that I have a fear of stepping on my children's toes; a fear that, should we ever meet, my children will think I'm intruding on their life with their mom and dad, wanting to replace them. Walking on eggshells. :-(

Perhaps that's her fear. Rainmom is right though. You have a right to ask if this is what's going on.

It's not fair to have to spend your time wondering.

Much peace your way today!

Janey

[carolynppk]

I'm not bringing it up!!! LOL!!! She was the one who said it, not me! If she feels the need to talk to me so bad about boundries, I let her approach the subject. (There wasn't that nice, the chicken's way out!!! LOL!!!!)

I don't approach it because, while I was joking up there, there is truth in that to a degree. I felt things were fine, I had no issue with her being grandmother to my kids and being a part of my life. I liked that we would joke and talk, more like friends than mother and daughter, while we had the connection, we didn't have the baggage, so to speak. I do ask because there is a huge part of me that is afraid she will say this has all been a mistake and that this is something she can't do. I am afraid to see her walk out of my life. I'd rather have her in my life, complicated, wondering, than not at all. And as I have said, I am afraid if I say something seems wrong between us, I also know she is extremely busy. I don't want her to feel I am being "needy" and "demanding" of her time, when in her mind things are okay. And her thinking to herself, "this is more draining than I can deal with, she needs my constant attention." So I will just Keep writing and keeping a happy face on when I do. But yes, we all walk on eggshells in this reunion, don't we? All afraid to be completely ourselves and sharing 100% of ourselves for fear of losing. Because whatever we are going through right now, it is nothing in comparison to losing them, again.

Carolyn

[Jackiejdajda]

carolynppk

Do any of you feel like your biological child is not yours, period?

Never.. he is my son..

And you should be proud of how you turned out.. You are one of the most level headed woman that has been affected by adoption that I know.. that I have read..

Jackie

[carolynppk]

Thank you, Jackie. I think that for the most part I am level headed about adoption. Sure there are things about that have affected me, but everything in our lives have some impact on us. I am sure there are some issues I would have had being raised by a 16yr old mother. Not saying bad, but she was a child herself and would not have back in that day provided for us the way she was able to for her daughters. I truly believe it is that the others in my adoption triad (speaking of my adoption triad) have had much more to deal with and work through, so if I can't try to see it from their perspective, well, where is the compassion? I contribute my outlook to wonderful genes!! LOL!!! And a wonderful mother, who was a social worker (and a Quaker-even though I was not raised in the religion). She was very much about the other person. They say when you are depressed sometimes the best thing you can do is do something for someone else. Same thing with grief. I feel that my bmom has been through more than I can ever imagine. And sometimes, I can completely pull myself out of the situation where I am not taking things personal (not very often though!!!LOL!!!) and even understand that this whole reunion thing has probably, next to giving me up, been the hardest thing she has ever done in her life. So while she is sorting all of this out, rather than bugging her with "are we okay?', "did I do something wrong?", "do you love me?" so on and so on I will come here and talk to you wonderful bmom's (not that she isn't wonderful, she is, you know what I mean) and disect all the intricate aspects of adoption and reunion.

Thanks for all your insight and compassion , ladies!

Carolyn

[bumblebeeskies]

Carolyn,
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I have been thinking about my relationship (or lack of ) w/ my first mom recently and have come to think that her feelings and needs always seem to come before mine. It has really made me angry lately. None of us should have to worry about a relationship ending due saying the wrong thing or not saying the right thing. It's rediculous how we have to walk on egg shells. I guess it's another example of us having to be the "good adoptee".